redessa
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His “miserable” life? Who says he’s miserable, you or him? Sounds like he had a super heavy academic load in high school. Did he have time for any kind of social life or extra curricular activities or just to decompress? He may be burned out on school.
I have college age kids. I get you wanting him to finish his degree and go on to some fabulous career, but I do not understand why it is embarrassing to the point of you crying daily over him taking a break from school.
It sounds like you made your child your whole world to an unhealthy degree. My mom did similar stuff – wouldn’t buy herself new clothes, but sent me to private school and made sure I had the designer wardrobe to go with it. Even as a kid, it drove me nuts. I get giving your kids every opportunity that you can, but not at the expense of your own needs.
In doing this, you have created a dynamic where your adult son’s choices about how to live his life feel like a personal affront to you. You chose to make the sacrifices you did for him, this does not obligate him to live his life in the way you want him to. Anyone who works with kids (teachers, doctors, mentors…) knows good and well that the child may choose a different path as they grow up. I guarantee his doctors are not taking it personally that he’s decided meds aren’t for him.
As for ways to turn him around… the bad news is there’s really nothing you can do. The good news is there’s really nothing for you to do! Back off, give him time to figure things out, and find a way to make peace with the fact that he is in charge of his own life now. It may never look like what you envisioned for him, and that’s okay!
When your friends ask about him, smile and tell them proudly that he’s taking a break from school right now, has his own place, and is working at Chili’s – they should make sure to say ‘hi’ to him next time they’re in!
Maybe he’ll decide at some point to do something more ambitious, maybe not. You’ve given him everything he needs to be successful. It’s all up to him now. It’s absolutely time for you to go ahead and live your own life as you fit as well. But if you want to continue to be part of his life, you have to let go of the anger and respect his decisions. It really isn’t a bad idea for you see a therapist to help you work through this period of transition from being supermom to being Sue.
Things you’ve (Mel) said that are not normal:
1) People we love will screw us over MULTIPLE times in our lives.
I’ve been married more than 20 yrs. Of course there have been times when we’ve dissappointed each other or hurt each other’s feelings, but never once has one of us screwed the other one over. We simply don’t purposely do things that we know will hurt each other. Your bf can’t possibly say he didn’t know you’d be hurt by him cheating.
2) I’ve always been a person who goes back and forth… I never know what I want…
Sure, plenty of people are indecisive, but the back & forth thing does not work in a relationship. If you can’t make up your mind about whether you want to be with someone, move on and let them find someone who IS sure about them.
3) I broke up with him bc I believe that if it’s meant to be, it will happen.
Huh? That doesn’t even make sense. Definitely not normal.
4) This is how relationships work.
No, it’s not. Pretty much everything you’ve described is the definition of a drama-filled, dysfunctional relationship. If that’s what you want, go for it, but if you want a relationship that actually works, this isn’t it.
My mom went through a phase of what she called “treasure hunting.” This consisted of going to yard sales and collecting other people’s old crap. She was sure these were beautiful antiques. I just kept picturing having to go through all this junk when my parents die and not knowing what might actually be important. For example, she was collecting white lacy handkerchiefs. I know she has one that belonged to her great grandmother. I would want to keep that in the family. I have no idea which of these dozens of hankies was the one I would consider special. Which means it will end up getting tossed with the rest. If she still has it that is.
More recently she’s been in a phase of purging things with the idea of downsizing in the next few years. Then my parent’s house flooded last year and they lost a lot of stuff. They were finally just about finished getting the house put back together when it flooded again earlier this year. (They don’t live in what is considered a flood zone, so it was shocking the first time, almost unbelievable to happen twice in 8 mo.) This flood wasn’t as bad, but they still lost most of what they’d managed to salvage from the last one. So they’re pretty much minimalists now whether they like it or not.
My house, on the other hand is totally cluttered. I mostly blame the kids. They have so much stuff. And I think schools must get some kind of kickback from the paper companies for sending home as many notes, forms, worksheets… (and any other kind of handout they can think of) as they possibly can. We’re completely overwhelmed with it during the school year. I am by no means a spectacular housekeeper, but I anticipate the house being much, much neater when the kids have all moved out.
“I just don’t know why she isn’t honest with me about this.”
What!?! In what way has she been dishonest with you? Sending back the paintings and sculptures wasn’t clear enough for you? Declining to collect the painting she picked from your bathroom (seriously? the bathroom?) doesn’t get the message across? Dishonest would have been happily taking everything then throwing it away behind your back.
She’s been very clear – either directly or through your son. She has acted completely appropriately, taking great care to spare your feelings. Your son has also done a wonderful job of standing up for her, and has done the exact right thing in being the one to deal with his parents (just as she should be the one to handle issues with her family). He’s told you point blank, “No more paintings!” and even told you specifically what else to get her. Which you proceeded to ignore and offered…. MORE PAINTINGS!!! Then you have the nerve to complain she’s “rejecting” your gifts as if you’re the one who’s feelings have been ignored.
Maybe you’re waiting for her to tell you directly to your face that she doesn’t want any more paintings or sculptures. Why? So you can have even more ammunition with which to complain about her? She knows full well how much that would hurt your (and your husband’s) feelings. Fortunately, it sounds like she and your son are a united team (on this at least) and he’s willing to take hit by being the one to tell you bluntly to knock it off. You should go ahead and accept that he speaks for the both of them – assuming you actually care what either of them want and aren’t simply determined to off-load your husband’s artwork on them.
PS: If a gift is a gift, then once it’s been given, it’s theirs to do what they want with it. It’s an incredible kindness that they’ve been willing to display some items and return the pieces they don’t want rather than tossing them all out. (Which I’d be tempted to do with ALL of it, even pieces I once liked, simply to purge myself of the stress and pressure this artwork has come to represent.)
As counterintuitive as it may seem, your stomach will stay a little more settled if not empty. A full meal will set you off, but try to eat small bites of crackers (or whatever you can handle) and little sips of water quite frequently. If you really aren’t able to keep anything down, you can call the Dr’s office and let them know. They may be able to squeeze you in sooner if you’re at risk for dehydration.
You can also try taking a combo of B6 and doxylamine, aka, Unisom (yes, the sleeping pill). A lot of Drs recommend this as a first step before prescribing anti-nausea pills. It doesn’t work for everyone, of course, but might be worth a try.
The thing is, he knows this. He knew it when he asked you to stay there and he most certainly knew it when his bags were put in a different room from hers. He was just hoping you wouldn’t have the guts to call him on it. So you’re going to have to tell him straight out – “Look, man, I know you don’t follow [the religion] anymore, but I do. And you know it. It’s not okay for you and your girlfriend to share a bed in my house.”
How do you not know that? I recently when I drove my 16 yr old to a couple of job interviews. She has a license, but it had snowed and she isn’t very comfortable driving in the snow yet, so she asked me to take her. For the first one, she seemed a little surprised that I wasn’t going in with her, but even for a teenager, I knew it wouldn’t look good for her to have mommy tagging along. So I waited in the car. And it was cold out there! Lol
“I know I will have to smile and be nice.” What the…!?! Why? No you don’t!
You have every right to express your feelings, including telling him point blank that you are upset with him for how he reacted yesterday. It was an insensitive and, frankly, dickish thing to say and he owes you an apology. If you say this to him and he still ignores you, then you know without a doubt he is not someone you can count on for emotional support. Or even someone with whom you can relax and be yourself enough to show your feelings in front of him. But I suspect you already know this and are just choosing to ignore it – thinking either that he’ll change or that your feelings don’t really matter and so you can continue to stuff them down. That’s not the kind of relationship I’d want to be in, but if that’s what you want then you should probably figure out how you’re going to try to keep smiling and being “nice.”
I agree with Ron that you should have told your wife about your fixation on this before marrying her. I disagree that you should tell her now. Not while she’s pregnant and not when she’s caring for a newborn and is sleep deprived, going through major hormonal changes, and basically has had her whole world changed. Adding this information would just be piling on and, like Portia said, cruel.
I also agree everyone saying that you need a different therapist or at least to speak up and ask what the heck he means when you don’t understand what your current therapist is saying. If I had to guess, it sounds like maybe he was dismissing your issue as not being unusual or a big deal. Given that you didn’t tell your wife about your concerns over her sexual history (or your lack of one), and that you didn’t ask your therapist to clarify what he meant, and your statement about feeling like a boy, I have to wonder if you downplayed how much this is weighing on you when you told your therapist about it? Do you generally feel like a child who is not taken seriously? Do you find that you have trouble speaking up for yourself in all areas of life, or is it specific to this issue?
As for what to do about this obsession, do you want to let it go? If so, it may take quite some time in therapy to unpack the root of problem (sounds like insecurity to me, but I could be totally off base), and maybe even meds. It’s my understanding that obsessive/compulsive thoughts and behaviors are often a manifestation of anxiety, but again, that may not be what’s going on here. That being said, you have to be able to function in day to day life while working on it. So what are you doing to redirect your thoughts when this comes to mind? It’s not always easy, but you do have the power to stop dwelling on it. You have to make a conscious choice to say ‘no, I’m not going to think about this right now.’ Then you choose to focus on something else – maybe every time thoughts about your wife’s past come to mind, you counter it with 5 things you love about her. Challenge yourself not to repeat items on your list. Or you can redirect your thoughts by singing a song, doing math problems in your head, envisioning the kind of father you want to be… anything positive.
The less you room you give for these negative thoughts to occupy your mind, the less power they have over you. Hopefully over time, you’ll find they rarely even cross your mind anymore. But you have to want to move past this. If you’re getting something out of the internal angst – if there’s a part of you that enjoys that feeling, then there’s nothing anyone can do to help you.
I think we can all agree that chances are he could go and everything would be fine with his wife and baby (assuming she’s had no complications up to that point). It’s really not about playing the odds though. It’s about being in this together.
I posed your initial post to my husband and asked him if he would go to the wedding. He thought for maybe 3 seconds before saying no.
Yes, odds are that she won’t give birth or have anything major happen during the 2 days you’d be gone for your brother’s wedding. BUT it’s important to her that you be reasonably close just in case. Because even if the likelihood is small, if she does develop any sort of complication, it could go very bad very fast. Pregnancy is a vulnerable time and your wife wants your support.
You’ve said you won’t go if she’s not on board with it. That’s good. It’s completely understandable for you to feel disappointed about missing the wedding. The problem comes when you let that disappointment turn into resentment against your wife (like saying she’s unreasonable). If you stay home and those days pass uneventfully, are you going to pout and complain and say “I told you so”? If you can’t say sincerely, “I’m sad about missing the wedding, but we’re a team and I’m here for you,” then, you need to reevaluate your priorities.
