SasLinna
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@veritek: I would discount the getting hard issue altogether. Seriously, it does not mean anything at all! Actually I think it’s fairly common for guys to have more trouble with this when things are still very new and exciting. I’ve experienced this several times (a guy having trouble getting and staying hard the first few times we had sex, but then the issue went away completely and never returned). Also, I think he reacted really well to your mini breakdown, and he gave you reassurance where you stand with him, so that’s all good.
What’s more of a concern is definitely the long-distance aspect. I agree it’s time to find a way to see each other more often or to stop dating. If you just can’t work out a way to visit each other more often, then that’s sad, but you’ll need to move on. Think about what you’re willing to do and ask him what kind of changes he could make to his schedule to allow for more frequent visits. Honestly, I think it should be once a week or at least every 10 days for this relationship to have a chance.
@ktfran: Congrats for bringing up that you were disappointed! Being able to work through (even small) issues is huge. Sounds like he reacted in a pretty good way, too.
I think that sounds like a good plan! I’m personally of the opinion that it’s OK to be fairly methodical about dating. Getting attached and then having to break up is a real bitch, so it makes a lot of a sense to weed out all the guys who are not clearly looking for a relationship pretty much immediately. I would start to bring up this question on the first or second date. “Do you see yourself starting a serious relationship soon”, or something of that sort. I see it as the brain protecting the heart, so that the latter only gets invested when it’s worth it.
Sorry if I’m unclear. My point is: Only date someone who says he’s looking for a relationship, if you are looking for a relationship. It doesn’t mean that you get into a relationship immediately, just that your dating is interpreted as being on that track, and that if things go well, a relationship will start at some point.
I basically think that if a guy is really interested in you, he’ll say that he’s generally looking for a relationship (even if it’s too early to talk about it more specifically) – just to keep your interest. An interested guy typically doesn’t say “I might just be looking for something casual at the moment”.
I don’t think you needed to ask “where do you see this going with us” at all, just that he might mistakenly have taken it that way, because in his answer he’s talking about how he feels about your interactions specifically, not about his general interest in a relationship vs just casual dating.
Did you ask him whether he’s generally looking for a serious relationship or did you ask him specifically if he sees the thing you have going on moving towards that? It kind of sounds like you meant the former but he understood the latter.
If he’s not sure he wants a relationship in general that’s a pretty big problem. I don’t think it’s worth dating someone with that mindset if you’re sure you want a relationship. If he generally wants a relationship but isn’t there yet after a few dates, that sounds completely fine.
The early dating phase with someone who really seems to have potential can be tough psychologically, especially if you have a high interest in starting relationship. With the distance everything is occurring in slo-mo which makes it even trickier. I really believe the only way out is to try to maintain one’s independence as much as possible and basically operate from a “if something more comes out of it, that’s great, but if not, it’s OK too” perspective. Basically, do expect that something will go wrong (or just not work out), because that’s the most likely outcome with dating (not the most optimistic perspective, I know! I really see a lot of value in lowered expectations).
(For the record, you seem to have a good thing going with him, it’s not that I see any sign to the contrary.)@ktfran: Communicating when you’re long distance can be pretty tricky. For example, my boyfriend’s tendency when talking on the phone is to give me a brief report of his day and then run out of things to say. It seems difficult for him to get into a more in-depth conversation when we’re not face to face. So we mostly just use the phone talks to tell each other about our days and catch up (and to hear each other’s voices), and we leave the longer conversations for when we’re together, which is luckily fairly often.
Yeah, I can see how more frequent visits would be difficult.
I personally wouldn’t worry about texting frequency. (I’m not a huge texter though, so easy for me to say.) I would say it’s more important that you manage to connect in some way, whatever the medium you use to do so. Could be skyping, could be talking on the phone. Or if texting is a really good way of connecting, then that, but I’d still think that the quality of texting is more important than the frequency.@veritek33: I can’t really comment on what would be normal in the early stages of dating. My boyfriend and I are long distance and we usually talk 10-20 minutes on the phone per day, with some longer skype sessions once to twice a week. Practically no texting at all. We see each other in person every 2-3 weeks.
For the “getting to know each other” stage, maybe more frequent visits would be better than texting more? If it’s at all possible that is.He sounds really cool @veritek!
The good thing is that it can almost be kind of fun to work on these communication patterns in the context of a healthy relationship. I feel like I’ve become so much more aware of my behavior and have improved a lot in the last 3 years. This is not to deny that I sometimes still fall back into my old patterns (I still sometimes do unexplained mood shifts, for example), but my awareness level is a lot higher.
It sounds like you’re already very aware, @ktfran, and like you have a good thing going with this guy. Remember that if you are right for each other then even a few missteps (not that this is even was a misstep, it’s such a minor communication failure on both sides) along the way won’t prevent you from walking further on this path. You don’t have to be perfect. I’ve screwed up rather badly along the way and it’s still working out well now. If you can be a little bolder with him, then great – it might help him to become a little bolder as well. If not, well it’s likely not going to be a huge problem either, from the way this sounds.
