TaraMonster
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PLEASE fly BGM to your SIL’s wedding. Pretty pretty please!!
@RoseLouise, I just want to reiterate that this was not your fault. He made a choice to do what he did, and that is completely on him. A lot of us have been where you are, and we know what all the second-guessing feels like. You are doing the best thing you can do by seeing a counselor– I didn’t do that for many years, and I wish I’d done it way sooner. I’m sending you all the internet hugs.
I cosign that, Ange.
ETA: I see your reply, ktfran. Thanks.
I agree with Keyblade and this thread is awful.
Oh honey. This was not your fault AT ALL. He chose to assault you. It’s that simple. This line from your update really hurts my heart: “I’m not saying that I’m blameless in this situation; I still feel like it’s my fault.”
You ARE blameless, and anyone on this thread who reinforced a feeling of blame in you by focusing on the drinking aspect of this was wrong to do so, even if their intentions were good.
And to that point- I think [some] of your intentions were good, but as a sexual assault survivor the tone of these comments made me sick to my stomach as I followed along all day, not able to reply because I was too upset. This just isn’t how you talk to someone who has just been assaulted and is seeking support and understanding. In the aftermath of something like this, all you do is question your choices and what you should and should not have done to avoid what happened. Do better, guys. I really didn’t expect this here.
Yeah, definitely a Nice Guy (TM). I’ve also had this happen to me. The guy didn’t stop believing I had secret feelings for him until he fell in love with someone else, despite me repeatedly and clearly telling him I didn’t feel the same way. It was exhausting and it made the friendship difficult. If I could do one thing differently, I would just have stopped being his friend entirely after the second time I had to reject him. So that’s what I’d advise you to do now: cut him out of your life. He’s not really being a friend, anyway. He’s just sniffing around and hoping that if he’s present all the time, you’ll eventually change your mind.
Also, as others have said, it’s definitely not normal that he didn’t tell you about the trip during the planning stages. Something that big takes time and effort and would come up naturally in conversation. I planned a 3 month solo trip to Europe a year into my relationship with my boyfriend (he wasn’t able to join me). I informed him of my plans all throughout the process because it was fun to talk about and I am not a shady person who has something to hide.
Honey, no. He’s going on this trip to experience being single again. Plain and simple. Break up with him. He’s going to cheat on you.
FWIW, my ex used to do and say shit like this and when I look back on it, I don’t know why I put up with being treated like that. Actually, it’s because I was young and dumb. But YOU are in your 30s! Aim higher!
I mean, 29 is not REALLY old lol. Please save this for posterity and reread it when YOU turn 29 so you can roll your eyes at yourself.
That said, I agree with everyone that the maturity gap between 19 and 29 is significant. The fact that he lied about his age raises my eyebrows as well. At best (and going off some conjecture based on your other letter), you live in a more conservative area where people marry and have children earlier in life, and he’s just not ready for that, so dating a younger woman would make sense- and a younger woman might not even entertain him if he were upfront about his age. That’s the most generous reading of this situation. At worst, he’s a man-child who can’t date women his own age (I have a friend-of-a-friend like this; he’s in his 50s now and he’s puzzled about why he’s single… oy).
But either way, Kelly/Daisy, I don’t think this is any of your business. Your friend is entitled to make her own choices, and provided he’s not abusing her in any way, you should stay out of it.
Hahaha, @Vathena. Thank you. I needed that laugh.
Life tip: if it isn’t something you will think about on your deathbed, it ain’t important.
Something similar happened in my family when I bought my dad a kit for Christmas two years back. My uncle fathered a child with a family friend. She was married at the time and passed my cousin off as her husband’s child. It’s certainly created some issues for my cousin, my uncle, and both families, but recently she’s been coming to our family gatherings and it seems like she’s healing. I don’t pretend to know the extent of how it’s affected my cousin, but I do know there are now support groups for people in your position. This one is the biggest one, I think:
https://www.npefellowship.orgSending you internet hugs and wishing you happiness going into the holidays. <3
“It kind of sounds like these people are drawing a line in the sand that they will never go out without their kids, and frankly, that sucks.”
@AW, I think you hit the nail on the head with this. And FTR, I agree with @ele4phant too! It’s all of these things coming together, but personally I think the friends probably don’t value the LW’s friendship as much as she values theirs. You don’t just TELL someone you’re bringing your kids to their house against their wishes. That’s so presumptuous and flat out rude.
For bkgd: I’m in my early 30s and half my friends are childfree and half have little ones. I’ve never come up against this issue because my friends are not dicks.
