TaraMonster
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Take it from a big weed fan- your husband’s behavior is unacceptable. I think the most jarring thing is how calculated and deceptive he was about it. Everyone else is right that this is classic addict behavior. I also agree with Kate that you probably need individual therapy to figure out what dynamic you’re reenacting. I’m sorry, LW; this is a tough thing to have to tackle when you thought you’d be starting a family/new life chapter.
I really, truly fail to see how it is “nutso” that Jessibel5 did not want to attend a religious event she doesn’t believe in, particularly when she’d be expected to vow to raise her child as a Christian. As an agnostic/atheist who was raised Catholic, I would NOT be okay with standing in front of a church and making an oath that I do not believe in. It would be “nutso” for me to lie in public like that.
Like everyone else, I agree there is a communication issue and a respect issue at play here. Jessibel, you also mentioned that your husband has planned events on dates when you’ve asked him not to in the past. I think this is significant as well, particularly that you didn’t put your foot down right then. He’s steamrolling you, but you are also letting him do it a bit. Definitely counseling is in order to get to the bottom of this.
@Kate That is extremely creepy! And also gross! A. Douches are bad for you and B. An entire closet of douches is REALLY bad for you.
My HS ex’s mother collected Snow globes and the house was packed to the gills with them. She would redecorate about 6x a year for holidays and seasons and swap them all out. The house was wall-to-wall mauve carpet and the walls were covered in mounted cabinets that contained all sorts of collectibles (swords, tiny metal figurines, porcelain animals, etc). And her bed? Covered in stuffed animals. I always wondered how his dad could deal with getting in and out of that Toys R’Us heap on a daily basis. There was a serious Professor Umbridge vibe in that house. Super creepy.
I gotta cosign on the baby boomer hoarder thing. My dad has so much crap in his house AND he has a storage unit. A couple weeks ago he was actually grumbling that his storage unit is full, and when I was like well get rid of some stuff then, he tried to blame it on me and my brothers by telling us that we need to come get our childhood things. I had no idea what he was talking about bc when he moved 10 years ago we went through all of our things and trashed what we didn’t want and boxed up the rest for donations that were supposed to go to the Good Will. Well instead of dropping off the donate boxes that we loaded up, he decided he should keep it all “in case you changed your mind when you got older.” Yes, dad, now that I’m 31, I think I’ll take those 40* stuffed animals and put them on the bed in my tiny NYC apartment. Oy!
*I exaggerate, but I did have an embarrassing number of stuffies haha
And for god’s sake, stop giving her art!!
I gotta say, your art giving actually seems passive aggressive. You are purposely giving her gifts she doesn’t want and then acting like SHE is the problem when she politely declines. It certainly sounds like you are trying to elicit an inappropriate response from your DIL just so you can go “See! She’s so ungrateful/dishonest.”
I’m genuinely curious as to what more you want from her. What would “honest” look like to you? Do you want her to call you or sit you down and say “I don’t like this art. Stop giving it to me.” Because trying to force her to say something like that is EXTREMELY manipulative and hostile. Back off.
Oh honey, no. The updates only make it clearer that this relationship is over. You’ve already sacrificed so much to accommodate the disability he doesn’t even believe he has. Frankly, for someone with such huge issues to deny that he has them says a lot about his character: he’s a selfish coward who can’t deal with his own shit. I know you’re probably hoping that there’s a way to change that. Maybe if he could just admit it? Get some help? No. That is not your responsibility, nor would it change the fact that he holds you in such low regard that he’d ask you to give up YOUR EDUCATION and your youth so that he never has to make the smallest compromise. I don’t care WHAT disability he has, that is just flat out douchebag behavior. Is this the life you want? Always giving and never getting anything back for it? The person you need to be giving to is yourself. Leave. Go back to school and reclaim respect for yourself. Do this and you will one day be amazed that you once settled for this kind of treatment.
@Ele4phant. Thiiiiiisssss!
“That said, I think the moment white people feel a smidgen of discomfort at “being the minority” for the first time or are being forced to confront their prevlidge, they get all panicky and think they are being threatened or experiencing reverse racism. Which they’re not, they for the first time are being made aware of social dynamics that they otherwise have the privilege of ignoring or pretending don’t exist.”
The first time I was the minority as a white person, I was 17 and had just started college. Was I uncomfortable at times? OF COURSE. But then, I thought about the fact that the new friends (now old friends!) I was making had to deal with that discomfort basically EVERYWHERE. Sometimes I get pretty frustrated with the attitudes of my white friends and family who can’t seem to wrap their heads around the concept of privilege. They see it as invalidating their hard work and feel defensive over what they have achieved, and who they are as people. The fact is that they have very rarely had to navigate places where they are in the minority and experience that feeling of otherness, which IS, in fact, white privilege, but I digress… It’s becoming more culturally understood, but man, I wish people could just acknowledge their privilege and stop taking it so dang personally.
Everybody’s A Little Bit Racist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RovF1zsDoeM
And everyone should see Avenue Q!
But yeah, you’re a little bit racist MimOsa. Solution: Admit that to yourself (Idgaf what conclusion you come to on this forum), and then enjoy the ride as the irrational fear that black people want to commit a hate crime against your boyfriend leaves your brain.
Problem solved.
@PaintedLady- I didn’t read the whole thread, but if it makes you feel any better, I agree with you. I think a lot of work has been done by people who think equality means they’re losing some “rights” to make feminism sound like a dirt word. I, personally, refuse to mitigate that with a “but I’m not one of those feminists.” I have no idea what that means when someone says it all loaded with negativity like that- that’s THEM making up definitions in their head and drawing conclusions about a movement that they likely know very little about except that there’s an association of extremeness with it. Frankly, with the whole wide internet out there and the nuttiness that went down this year with GOP policies, I’m not here to educate. And I’m definitely not here to apologize.
Love,
TaraMonster the (gasp!) Feminist
I think the last name issue is personal, so I’ll just state my personal beliefs.
I really dislike the patriarchal naming system. When I think about it, I just go further down the rabbit hole of ‘women are property’ and it bugs the shit out of me. I don’t think there’s a really good solution or fix to this either.
People thinking about it, and removing the presumption that the woman will take her husband’s last name is progress, IMO. And I would never tell another woman to make my choices. But I tend to be of that mindset across the board- you want to be a Jets fan and have to root for Sanchez and look at Rex Ryan’s rudy rage-face every Sunday? Well that’s your sad choice! I kid I kid (kinda).
Anyway. I think it’s a personal decision, and I personally can’t see myself being compatible with someone who doesn’t see it that way. When my ex and I had this conversation he said, “I always assumed you’d keep your name. That’s who you are. And I can’t imagine being with a woman who didn’t want to keep her name.” This is a man who was raised by a feminist, and was completely unfazed by being teased after he told his friends he was a feminist on the playground in 3rd grade. Oh jeez. I’d like to stop loving him already. DAMMIT.
The only name change I ever intend on making is a pen name. Because I write sci-fi, and also plain old regular fiction, and my name sounds like a made-up romance writer’s name. I’m serious. I do love my last name, but everyone always assumes my last name is some country-ass add-on to my first name (think: Carrie Mae or Jenny Lynn) and it makes me bonkers. There are people in my office who STILL forget my last name is not part of my first name and you don’t need to address me with my full name 24/7. And since these people email me nearly every day and all our emails are [email protected] I.Just.Don’t.Get.It. /end rant
