veritek33
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Am I doomed here? Am I supposed to be reading between the lines here?
@DearWendy he did move back in and live with the parents for about a year to save up for a house, but then ended up moving in with me instead. He’d lived outside the home for college, and apartments with roommates for several years afterward.
She’s never left home.
Here’s the thing. Neither of us see changing our plans as “letting her win,” – quite the opposite. If we do a super small courthouse ceremony without her present she won’t have the opportunity to ruin anything for me. I’m keeping my dress and flowers and my grandparents anniversary date (because my grandma is super excited and I’m not taking that away from her – no way.)
She’s made the first month of our engagement, what’s supposed to be a very happy time, pretty stressful and miserable to be honest. And I’m tired of compromising and bending over backward to make her happy, and so is my fiancee. As MOV said this morning, he’s been in the shadows since she was born in 1988 and now it’s his turn for the attention and she’s just going to have to get over it (and I told him he HAS to say this to her).
For me “ruining her wedding and making it so she doesn’t even care or want to plan it” she has a dress, registry and a website. So I’d hate to see how much she’d have done if she was actually excited and I hadn’t ruined it for her. She’s a grown woman who lives at home with her parents, dresses like a teenager and wants to get married at Disney. We have nothing in common and my attempt to make friends with her was fruitless so I’m done trying. I’m not going to let her make me as miserable as she is.
We had another long talk last night and he actually lit up when I was talking about doing the courthouse and going to Greece. He loves the idea. And so we’d keep my dress and his suit, and our flowers and photographer, and just change locales and guest list. And to keep my money from the winery deposit we’ll go have lunch or dinner there with super close friends. I told him it’s up to him if he want’s to invite his sister. He said he needs to think long and hard about it.
Then we started looking up Mediterranean cruises and plane tickets.
I talked MofV into courthouse with just parents/grandparents and then hopping a plane to Greece. (I’ll share deets with BGM shortly because I need him to officiate our vow renewal in Santorini/mykonos) and then we just don’t talk about it until we share the recap video/photos on our first anniversary and let her know that we did, in fact, get married before her and kept it a secret for a year. Boom.
I think my phrase from now on whenever she’s brought up by him or his family is “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
I’ll fly anyone who wants to the flash mob Grecian wedding.
And I made an emergency therapy appointment for tomorrow for me, because my anxiety is going off the charts and I’ve put it off long enough. (Also my dog has been having seizures lately and between the terror in law and my baby being 12 and facing his canine mortality, I need a mental health day.)
@Vathena I actually had zero plans to talk about wedding yesterday and I was dreading anyone bringing it up because I wanted to avoid talking about it in front of her because I knew deep down this would happen – but my future FIL started asking all sorts of questions. I tried to turn it around and ask her about her dress, details etc. And then she got mad that I already have a dress too. There’s no winning in this situation.
@Wendy – the IUD is coming out in March regardless of when we get married so that’s a distinct possibility. And since she referred to all children as “crotch goblins” and how terrible they are, she won’t be allowed around mine alone anyway.
His parents actually walked us out to the car as we were leaving and apologized to me and said I’m always welcome and how happy I make their son and that “a certain amount of drama just follows his sister around and that everything will blow over.” They are bullied by her too.
They want us to proceed with our original plans, but after the way she spoke to me and looked at me last night, nothing is going to blow over unless she gets exactly what she wants.
Oh BGM I will get a third job if it means buying you a plane ticket to do just that. You’ve made my morning. <3 (And my dream would be getting married in Greece just the two of us)
And yes, Lianne, we discussed pre-marital counseling yesterday before all of this happened anyway (because you’re right it’s a good thing and we need to do it). We both want to do it. He has such a complicated relationship with his family and he was so upset last night at what happened but when it came time to stand up for us, he just froze. And so I felt like I had to be the one to defend both of us, which makes me look like the bad guy all over again.
Fiancé was stunned, as was I. He is not good at standing up to her so I had to defend myself. (We had a long conversation on the ride home about how that was not okay either and he has to stand up for himself and for me if we are going to be a family.)
I was trying not to cry in front of his family and she just stared me down and refused to back down so that is all I need to know about her as a person. Even if we got married and had a tiny wedding this fall, she would not be okay with it. So it’s a lose/lose situation.
Yes I put down the deposit on the venue and the florist so if we cancel I’d be out about $1,ooo, which in the grand scheme of things is a drop in the bucket if we can just get married and not deal with her by running away. And it would take wild horses to get me to go to her wedding after this.
So I got ambushed last night at dinner with my fiancées family and his sister is now reversing position and rescinded her blessing on us getting married before her and now claims she only said it was okay because she had to. She said I’m overshadowing her entire engagement (because we got engaged 6 months after her) and we are overshadowing her wedding and I’m ruining everything and basically I’m a horrible person. So anything short of us getting married at a courthouse long after her is not going to make her happy.
So if anyone has any destination wedding ideas that only involve the bride and groom and a big ass bottle of wine and zero family involvement, I’m open to suggestions.
