“How Should I Approach Women I Want to Date?”
My results are similar apps. I can see that people are viewing my profile or read messages but they never respond.
What is the proper approach to talk to women? — Not Matching
My gut feeling is that you’re probably treating women like potential job candidates you’re interviewing. Your line of questioning is likely coming across as very goal-oriented, which is understandable since your goal is to find a match or someone to date. But when you think about getting a match or getting a date as the ultimate goal, you suck any potential fun out of the equation and you ignore the better goal of seeing if there’s a spark.
Finding a spark is one of those things that’s hard to quantify and even harder to manifest. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to manifest. The spark is either there or it isn’t. No amount of “correct answers” or even right questions is going to create the spark. The spark is created by chemistry – by something that is almost entirely out of your control. Your job, essentially, is to get out of the spark’s way – quick blocking it with your pursuit of a goal and let it do its thing. The key is, you really don’t need to say much at these speed dating events or even online. What you need to do is to present a great image – so you want to dress well, groom yourself well, have a flattering haircut, have good breath, smell nice. Post photos on your dating profiles that feature you in good lighting, with a warm smile, dressed in flattering clothes, and occasionally in locations that give some indication what your interests might be.
Listen more than you talk. Respond to interesting points made in profiles or in-person conversations. Ask questions with easy answers, like: Do you have any upcoming travel plans? Have you seen any good movies lately? Do you have any pets? These are simple conversation-starters that get you – and the other person – out of the way of a potential spark. The answers to the questions are almost irrelevant – except for their potential to lead to a conversation; the real point of them is to establish a neutral tone from which you can gauge attraction and chemistry. These things are actually more important than whether you share common interests. Interests can be established and can and do change over time; chemistry is either there or it isn’t.
Finally, the “proper approach to talk to women” is pretty much the same as talking to anyone. Women are people, after all. We aren’t a great mystery you need to solve. And if you’re meeting women in specific spaces created for match-making, whether it’s online or in person, there’s a good chance the women are feeling a lot of the same things you are: a little (or a lot of) anxiety, some excitement, maybe frustration. Focusing on putting others at ease can have a wonderful effect of putting yourself at ease, too (and, again, makes space for that spark to shine). When all else fails, “you have a great smile,” is a simple way to ease a little tension.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Not matching: If you wish to find a future lady who will birth strong warriors to defend your lands and estates, you must set three tasks for the potential candidates. One task must require thought and clever problem solving, another physical strength, the third fighting prowess. Above all your future lady must be capable of giving birth, so ask for a fertility test as well.
As the candidates leave the room in a hurry to get away from you, you can judge their running speed and use it for points in the physical prowess category.
LW: your questions are boring and too ordinary. Just start a conversation and see how it flows and where it leads you. Or ask a few questions that are out of the ordinary, a bit as a funny challenge that your date would be a bit thrilled to answer. Don’t ask so early what the other person expects in a relationship: way too soon.
For your profile: ask a few female friends their opinion. Let them (and some guy friends) make your portrait (in words) and pick up some ideas. Work on your pictures too.
There are coaches online who will help you to introduce yourself more efficiently.
At the end of the day, if you come across too much like: I am looking for a date, any date, then it is not attractive. Women want to feel chosen, that you have options and that you like them especially, that they rise your interest. Ask yourself wether you like them, not wether they validate you.
If you’re not matching at all, then you need to date or try to date within your physical league. I’m betting your going after women out of reach and thinking they should just give you a chance, but thats not how attraction works. If you’re overweight, or obese, look for 200lbs up, plus size women with a belly that’s like yours. Stop going for thin, petite models. If your shorts bald, look a little nerdy, go for short, nerdy women who aren’t heavy on makeup or who don’t look like gym rats.
Sometimes speed dating events just feel like a bunch of same same questions peppered at you over and over again. It feels like a tick box exercise.
I’ve recently been to a speed dating event and steered clear of the ordinary questions like what do you do, do you have kids etc.
I start by asking what was the most exciting or interesting thing that happened for the other person in the last year. This normally gives the person an opportunity to share something positive. It’s a great way to start a conversation and see if there’s a little common interest. It can be a springboard to a good conversation.
One guy replied that he’d moved his office into his home. That was very dull.
Also, there’s a lot of cues from how a person is dressed, and their mannerisms.
Remember to take some deep breaths before the conversation starts, smile and listen to what the other person is saying so that you can reply with a thoughtful comment or question that relates to their point.
LW: “I am trying to make conversation, and nobody wants to talk to me.”
Wendy: “What you’re saying is wrong, Just make conversation, it doesn’t matter what you’re saying. You can’t make chemistry happen!
Also don’t be unattractive.”
You’re not wrong about the second part, Wendy. Chemistry happens much more often when you are attractive.
I hope you give some consideration to the reality that the first part of your response is invalidated by the rest.
The best advice I ever got about having success dating women was not to make any effort to start dating them, and instead invested 100% of that effort in my own life. Women then came after me. I was already married at that point.
If that seems like it reinforces other bad things…well, yeah, it does.