“We Had a Great Date Seven Months Ago. Is He Waiting for Me?”
In the early months of my separation, I went on a dating app. I limited my correspondence to four or five men and had a few dates with them. I really hit it off with one of the men. He is funny, cute, very sweet, stable, physically-fit, has good financial sense, and sounds like a good father to his kids. We have a lot in common, and he said I was easy to talk to. On our first date, after talking on the phone a few times, we sat grinning at each other across the table for so long that the waitress asked us if we were ready to order about five times before we could actually read the menu.
We had a nice dinner, and stayed in the restaurant eating and drinking till they closed up. Then we walked down to a club and had a few more drinks; I stood close because I couldn’t hear him over the music and we kissed — it was magic. He dropped me off at home and we kissed like teenagers.
Then, silence for three days, and then a phone call. He said “I really like you. I REALLY like you. But I’ve been through a divorce and I know that you still have the hard times ahead to get through. I think you need another 12 months just to settle your divorce. I like you A LOT. But I think you are going to need the head-space, so I don’t think we should see each other until you’ve got it sorted out. I mean, we could still be friends but we can’t start a relationship until you are through this.”
I thanked him for his honesty and told him I’d reach out when my divorce was over. It’s now been seven months and the divorce is dragging on. I haven’t been on the dating app since my date with this man, and he has deleted his profile. I am getting a little obsessed that he may not wait for me. I guess I need reassurance – from you or your readers – that after a date like that with a person like me, this guy might be still waiting? Or even wishing and hoping that I would be calling them soon? – — Stuck in a Limbo Divorce
I know you are desperate to know whether this dream man you went out with once has waited for you all these months, but none of us can answer that for you. And even if we could, it wouldn’t answer the real question you have, which is whether you will find happiness in love again. The answer to that is probably yes, though it may not be with your dream date. Honestly, it’s probably safe to say that it WON’T be with dream date.
However wonderful your night out may have been, he was right: getting through a divorce takes an enormous amount of energy and it changes you in ways you can’t really predict. The woman you were on that date may not be the same woman you are now, and it may not be the same woman you’ll be once your divorce is finally behind you and you’ve gotten your own place and have moved on with your life.
You still have a lot to get through and you may find that what felt magical months ago on the heels of your separation while dipping your toes back into the dating world after years of being married, won’t feel so magical on the other side of divorce. I would caution you to be realistic and apply some of what you’ve hopefully learned about love and relationships to the way you pursue potential mates: everyone has flaws; no relationship is perfect; life isn’t a romantic comedy. A man isn’t going to meet a woman an app, go on one great date, and then spend the next 12 months swearing off all others while waiting for her divorce to be finalized and her mental state to stabilize.
Your dream date probably hasn’t waited for you. But that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t welcome hearing from you, and it doesn’t mean he isn’t available to date or wouldn’t become available eventually. Maybe he’s dating someone else and maybe he isn’t. And maybe he thinks about your fondly and hopes when you are in a more stable place you will reach out to him.
Are you in that place now? Or, are you just afraid you’re going to lose your chance with him? Either way, he did say you two could be friends and I don’t think it would hurt if you sent a short email telling him you were thinking of him, hoping he was well, and letting him know how you’re doing. Be honest with him — tell him that your divorce is still ongoing and you aren’t quite back on your feet but you’ve had many months to process the ending of your marriage and are excited about the next chapter.
Whether that piques his interest or if he’s even available to date you is impossible to say. But at the very least it will remind him of your presence and the great evening you shared together. And if he isn’t ready to date you now, because he’s unavailable or because he thinks you aren’t ready yet, then maybe this little reminder of your chemistry will be just the thing to stoke the flame for something in the future. But if it doesn’t, don’t give up.
This was just your first foray back into the dating world. You may have had a wonderful date, but that doesn’t mean this is the only man out there for you. There are more where he came from and there’s no reason you can’t have plenty of fun looking for them.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Good response as always, Wendy. I’m gagging and rolling my eyes too hard at “tantalizing and delicious” to say anything helpful.
WCMS. Tantalizing and delicious just makes me think of a breakfast burrito smothered in cheese, which is what I need after my Sunday Funday. Why does it always seem like Monday? Logic tells me it’s only Monday 1/7 of the week but I swear I think Mondays come more frequently for me, and they linger all f*cking day long, you know?
Also, if a guy said that to me, I’d be pretty certain – or 110% certain, actually – that he’s not interested. I mean, do men (or women) who are interested in someone actually put the breaks on because they think the timing is not good? Seems far too rational. I’d think a smidgeon of romantic interest would trump that rational thought process, you know?
I don’t know, they are older, and he’s been thru a divorce, so he thinks he knows what she’s about to go through. Because of that, I could see him being interested but saying this.
The use of fortnightly overcame my nausea at tantalizing and delicious.
I personally think it would be pretty weird if he waited all this time for you, but that doesn’t mean he’s not still single. I would wait until your divorce is finalized to do anything, since that’s what he asked you to do.
What he said doesn’t mean that he’s waiting for you. It sounds more like “If you’re still single in a year, and I’m still single in a year, maybe we can give this a try.”
this.
No, I don’t think he’s waiting for you. Healthy dating adults generally don’t wait for someone for an indefinite amount of time after only one date. Not to mention that if he hasn’t heard from you in months, then I’m sure he’s not holding his breath that you’re going to even remember him in all that time.
I think you should be prepared to meet other people when you’re ready to date, but if you do want to possibly have a shot with him later, then I agree with Wendy that maybe you should just drop him an email. Because I think it would be kind of weird to show up after like a year of no talking and be like, “OK, let’s date now.”
I have to say, though, that while I know it’s probably exciting for you to start a new life, you need to calm down a little and not turn this guy (or any guy) into the holy grail.
It sounds like you’re idealizing this guy or, I don’t know, maybe pinning all your hope of finding love again on this one ‘magical’ date you had. Which is fine, I guess – I mean, it’s totally fine to dream, especially if it can help you get through the dark times.
But if you’d actually get in touch with this man again, I’d be careful not to do it with that ‘I think you might be the one’ kind of vibe, you know? That would just be weird after one date and seven months. I’d follow the advice and, at the most, casually get in touch with him again. C’mon, this is the real world – he hasn’t spent the last seven months alone on the couch thinking about you. But he might definitely still be interested! So go in for sure – just go in with your eyes open.
WWS. We definitely can’t tell you what this particular guy may be thinking— it’s possible that he still thinks of you, & is “waiting”, but you’ll never know unless you reach out. There’s no harm in reaching out ~now~ with a message worded the way Wendy suggested, OR you could wait 5 more months as per your last conversation with the dude.
Either way, try to be at peace (& let go of the “obsession”) by knowing that, yes, you dealt with this well. And yes, putting the brakes on whatever you had going with Magical Date Guy while you get your divorce sorted was (& still is) a good idea. And like Wendy said, maybe you two will meet up again one day…but if not, just think of him as practice & a peek into what may be in store for you later.
P.s. enjoy your karate instructor sex, that sounds like a pretty good arrangement
I’ve never been through a divorce, but I imagine it messes with your head a lot. This man has been through a divorce, so he knows what it can do to you. Maybe he inadvertently hurt someone during his divorce process and he is trying to avoid being on the receiving end of a similar hurt. Or maybe he has already been hurt by another woman going through a divorce and doesn’t want to go through it again. I think he does like you a lot, but he knows from his own experience that you need time to sort things out. I’m guessing, of course, but this is how I read it. He may be dating someone, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean you can’t contact him when your divorce is final. Until then, enjoy your karate instructor. 🙂
If this were a chick flick, he would have asked to meet you at the top of the Empire State building in a year. Being real life, maybe he thought it was weird how you two sat across from the table grinning at each other. You thought it was a romantic connection, he thought you had nothing to say to each other. To me, it sounds like you got a very kind brush off.
Finalize your divorce first before attempting to start any relationships.
Life is strange, who knows, maybe he’s single maybe he’s not….can I just bring up one thing? He seems a little arrogant to have met you once and presume to know what’s best for you. So there might be more to the story there. Why don’t you contact him and see what he is up to? I don’t think he’s specifically waiting for you, to answer your question directly, but he might not be involved right now.
But honestly, you know what you need in terms of dating and moving on. Whether or not your divorce in final when you start dating is up to YOU, so don’t let some guy dictate to you when you are or aren’t ready to get involved. Just sayin’
‘As a heterosexual male, I find it is my duty, on occasions when I am incredibly attracted to the mad chemistry between me and some newly separated, clearly hot to go woman, to take a moral step back, and defer any further gratification for a year or so, because even though I’m SOOO interested, I just have that much respect for women in general, especially those I just met, who are banging their karate instructor anyway, so why would they need more sex from me at this sensitive time.’
I hear men say stuff like this all the time. He is probably cowering in his apartment now, waiting for your call.
LW, he was a pretty nice guy. He took you out. You had a nice time. He kissed you. Then he let you down easy. He saw you weren’t ready for anything real yet. He never thought for one second you’d still be jonesing about him a year later. Sorry, but you are too old and have seen too much of life to be thinking like this. If you’re ready, try again with someone else. If he wanted to see you, he’d’ve called you by now.
Okay I’ll be the odd one out. I think you should reach out so you see he’s not been waiting, isn’t interested, and you can stop thinking about him. I’m not saying that meanly just I know when I get all lost in my head over someone, the best thing is actually to go reach out and then (usually) get shot down and/or meet them again and see “wait. Most of this was in my head and I just like, attached his face.”
Like most everyone else, I really think you should wait until your divorce is finalized. That’s what he requested. A lot about relationships is being in the right place at the right time. When you went on this date you weren’t ready and it appears he wasn’t either. He might still be single, you can’t count on him waiting for you.
I think he was trying to let you down easy. He likely didn’t want to deal with all the drama that comes with being in the middle of a divorce- and that is okay. It wouldn’t hurt to reach out to him and ask him what is going on in his life but if he doesn’t respond in an open way to dating you then you need to let him go.
Also, I hope you guys tipped that waitress really well.
I hate to say it but this letter just reeks of desperation. If she reaches out to him I’d keep it super light and breezy… a bit more “you popped into my head” as opposed to “I’ve been obsessing over your for the past few months.” Just my two cents.
It wasn’t his place to tell you that you need time to deal with your divorce. That should have been your first clue that this guy is just not that into you. It’s fine if he simply didn’t want to get invested with someone going through a divorce, but it wasn’t his place to tell you that YOU weren’t ready. Everyone is different, every situation is different. The truth is that he didn’t want to deal with it. End of story.
Seriously. I met my now-fiance shortly after going through a difficult time with my ex. Although it was not divorce (thankfully!), my ex had physically harmed me and had been harassing me over text message and email. My boyfriend made it clear that he would understand if I needed some time and space before getting serious with him, but he approached it from the angle of “what can I do to help your situation?” rather than “fix your situation and then get back to me.” He liked me enough that he’d rather risk getting involved with me and having it fail than risk losing that potential all together.
If this guy is still interested, he will reach out to you. He let you down, so he should be the one to reach out. I say that you should just move on. I mean, send a message if you want, but I wouldn’t even want to get involved with this guy if I were you. When you really like someone, you don’t just let them go without any contact for 7 months.
ok so i was on an airplane all day, so im late to this, but i just wanted to congratulate you on NSA sex with a karate guy. that sounds hot.
Hilarious parenthetical. Just hilarious.