“He Wanted a Baby and I Didn’t. Should I Tell Him I’ve Changed My Mind?”
I’m now 41 years old and I’m regretting my decision. I’ve changed my mind and now I’d like to have a baby. I see that Eric is still online shopping for the compatible connection. About a month ago, I clicked an icon to “like” his profile, but he clicked an icon to say he didn’t like mine. If he had clicked on the icon which I was expecting, we could have chatted. In hindsight, I should have sent him an email direct via the dating site, but I wanted to gauge his interest first.
How do I tell him I’m interested (in him and in having a baby)? I don’t have his phone number, but I have his private email address. All I want to do is find out if he’d like to continue where we left off 16 months ago. And to tell him I’d like to have a baby. Should I send an email on the dating site? Send him a private email? What do I say?
I don’t want to have regrets, so what have I got to lose, right?
Any advice would be helpful. — Ready for a Baby Now
Here’s the thing: You didn’t make a decision to regret. You told Eric on your second date that you were undecided about having children. That wasn’t a decision — that was a statement, a true statement. HE made the decision – the decision to not see you again. At fifty years old, he decided that the desire for a baby superseded any interest he might have in you and decided not to risk investing time in someone who wasn’t sure whether she wanted a kid or not. At best, he hedged his bets, hoping he’d find someone else young enough and interested enough in having a baby with him, with whom he also felt a romantic connection. At worst, he wasn’t all that into you in the first place and the bet he hedged by giving up a potential future with you for a potential future with someone else wasn’t a very risky one. The bottom line here is that his interest in having a baby superseded his interest in you, period.
For argument’s sake, let’s say your scenario was the best of the two options and he WAS very interested in you and rejected you only because of your indecision about wanting a baby. You might still have a chance with him if this is the case because now you’ve decided that you DO want a baby. But…do you want to have a baby with a man like Eric? Think about it. To be fifty — and, now, at least 51 — and reject a woman more than ten years your junior because she’s not sure she wants a baby is an audacious move only a specific kind of man could get away with. It suggests either a cockiness that one has so much to offer that even a much younger woman who is still in her child-bearing years would be interested in procreating with him, OR a desperation so strong to have a baby that it matters more than having a romantic connection. Either way, I can’t imagine a man like him is going to be a great partner for you — especially after already rejecting you now twice — let alone a supportive co-parent.
If you are hellbent on reaching out to him though, I suggest sending him a private email and saying something like this: “Hi Eric, I saw recently that you’re still on [name of your dating app/site]; I am, too. I remember our dates together and thought we had a great connection. I know at the time our future goals didn’t quite mesh. You were interested in having a child and I wasn’t yet sure what I wanted. In the past 16 months, my feelings have changed, and I am wondering if you’d be interested in seeing whether we might be better matched now as a result.” This way, you are still framing your pitch for a potential relationship as a connection between the two of you vs. “WE BOTH WANT A BABY, SO LET’S GO HAVE A BABY!” You hint at maybe wanting a baby now without making it the thesis of your argument, which is how I think you should approach any potential romantic relationship, whether it’s with Eric or with someone else.
In addition to pursuing a relationship with someone based on mutual attraction and interest and not just a mutual desire for BABIES!, I urge you to really think about how important being a mom is to you. Is it a bigger priority than making a romantic connection? Can you be happy in a long-term relationship that doesn’t result in a child together? Would you consider single parenthood if you don’t find a partner with whom to have a baby? What if you aren’t able to have a biological child? Would you consider other methods to become a mom? These are all really important questions to be clear about as you pursue dating/ searching for a partner. If making a love connection is a bigger priority than becoming a mother, I hope you won’t pull an Eric and reject someone who isn’t interested in parenthood. And I REALLY hope you don’t convince yourself you do want a baby when what you really want is a boyfriend. You can certainly have both — even in your 40s — but being really clear about what is most important to you will help you make decisions you won’t likely regret.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
“It suggests either a cockiness that one has so much to offer that even a much younger woman who is still in her child-bearing years would be interested in procreating with him”
I mean, the LW wants to procreate with him. Maybe not so cocky?
“Either way, I can’t imagine a man like him is going to be a great partner for you — especially after already rejecting you now twice — let alone a supportive co-parent.”
What is the possible basis for saying that that he wouldn’t be a good co parent.
Eric…. is that you?
I wouldn’t reach out to this guy, LW. You went on two nice enough dates almost a year and a half ago, but mutually(?) decided it wasn’t the right fit. If I had to guess, you’re not having much luck with online dating and it’s starting to feel like a slog, and now you’re convinced he’s the one who got away. But he’s not because he’s not interested in you! If he were, he would’ve been excited when you “liked” his profile and reached out. Instead, he “disliked” your profile. You may have nothing to lose, but he’s not interested.
I say stop putting this much emotional energy into a man you went on two dates with — you barely knew him! Keep putting yourself out there, meet new people, date with an open mind, and don’t let the slog get you down. Also take the time to consider if you really want a baby or if you were just feeling down about dating and feeling a little bit desperate to make something that felt like it had potential stick.
I wouldn’t bother with this guy, either, LW. He’s already made it clear he isn’t interested. Twice, actually. (And, no, I don’t think you now deciding that you do want a baby is going to change that. To have a successful relationship, you have to have the, well, relationship part before you get to the baby part, and that’s where your connection just wasn’t enough.)
Interesting, I didn’t read it as cocky, although he may be, who knows. He’s 51 and knows he wants a child, meets the LW, finds out on the second date that at age 40 she doesn’t know if she wants a child, and he should keep dating her? How does that make sense? Yes it means he’s more interested in finding someone who wants to have a child than in her but he barely knows her, it’s only the second date. He should keep dating her and possibly fall in love and then be stuck with a much harder decision? I think at his age that’s unwise. And he may not have liked her profile back because he didn’t know she had changed her mind. I don’t think it’s shallow or cocky not to proceed with a relationship when you find out VERY early on that your future plans are very different in a very important way.
Usually I’m 100 with Wendy but on this one I totally agree with you!!
Exactly! I was surprised by Wendy’s take.
However at 40, for her to be uncertain about wanting kids… I think that’s a pretty clear sign she doesn’t want them. She’s had 20+ years at that point to consider it, has certainly had friends with (and without) children… and is at the end of her realistic child-bearing years. He was smart to stop seeing her.
He made it clear he’s not interested. You liked his profile and he disliked yours. If he was interested, he’d have liked yours and maybe asked if anything had changed. He didn’t.
It’s time to move on.
Move on, LW. He made it more than clear that he is not interested. There are other men out there.
Move on – if you really do want to become a parent, there are plenty of guys out there and you can date with that in mind going forward. You have no way to know if a guy you went out with twice, almost a year an a half ago, is actually the Dad Material you’d be looking for – and he’s not interested.
I’m super curious as to what exactly changed for you between age 40 and 41 that you decided you’d like to be a mom after all. Certainly it’s fine to be ambivalent, but given the state of society today, it seems like something that most women might start seriously pondering in their 20s or so. I’m just kind of curious as to how you go through your 20s…then early 30s…late 30s…40…and then at 41 are like, yes I definitely want to be a mom! What was the hesitation before? Financial stress? Family stuff? What changed in the past year? Do you REALLY want to raise a child, or are you panicking that the door will soon close to the possibility of a biological offspring? Do you want to be a parent badly enough to go the donor-sperm route? Just some nosy questions I have. ; )
To be fair, the LW wrote “He really wanted to be a father, so we decided not to see each other again.” There was no indication that this was a unilateral decision.
Let’s not forget they went out TWICE and that’s led to this hand wringing about having babies together. At what point does the desperation to have a kid, any kid, overrule the common sense to not go around attempting to make humans with someone you barely know? LW you might be 41 but at the same time your kid is owed the best chance at life if they do materialise, maybe start thinking hard about not jumping on the first dude to show interest just because you’re broody.
You guys went on two dates. You really don’t know if things would have progressed further or would have stalled for some other reason. You also don’t know quite how much he liked you. It’s perfectly possible it could have petered out for any one of a million reasons if you’d have carried on. Part of this may be that for you, he’s the one that got away. You told him you aren’t sure you want kids, and both moved on.
Sure, you could email him, if you want to try, just to get it off your chest. But you might find his response may not be how you’d hoped. How would you feel if he’s cooled on you, or realised he wants something else, now? You’re both on dating sites, and there are plenty more people out there.
Having kids is clearly important to him – you weren’t sure, and you’re at a time where having kids is likely to be a bit harder, and women are more likely to experience problems. Maybe he thinks you’re still unsure, and that he doesn’t want to wait for you to figure it out, knowing it may never happen? He probably wanted to plan his life in a reasonable time frame, and wanted to avoid falling for someone who might likely not want what he wanted. If I was dating a 40 year old woman who wasn’t sure, I might be worried the opportunity might pass whilst they were making up their mind -given that so far that person hadn’t wanted to have kids.
I say this as a woman with fertility problems in the family and no idea if I can have kids even though I want them – so I know it’s a frought topic. if you want them, then focus on looking for the right guy. Time you waste on people who are showing you they aren’t really interested is time that you may not have. Absolutely don’t rush the decision to have kids with any one, but don’t dawdle with people who are showing you they aren’t interested.
FWIW I’m also not keen on much older guys shopping around for much younger women because they’ve belatedly decided to become family men after turning it down when their previous partners were of reproducing age. I certainly didn’t appreciate the glut of divorced men old enough to be my dad who hit me up when I was online dating (having clearly specified my preferred age range was several years either way). Some of whom clearly made it clear that the main draw was that I was much younger. I’m not saying some people don’t want an older partner, but not looking at what people say they want is part of the problem.
I just… you two didn’t have a connection. It was two dates. Sure he’s tall, attractive, successful, but at the end of the day it was 2 dates and you decided not to see each other again. There wasn’t a connection there. And you’re talking about having a baby with him.
When I was 36 I went on 3 dates with a guy in his early 40s. He had sold a company and probably made a bunch of money and decided now was the time to settle down and have kids. Fair. We went on the 3 dates and had a nice time, and he was cute, and I think he thought I was cute too. I think I got a little caught up in like, I’m seeing a guy who is successful, has money, owns a house in a fancy neighborhood, etc. I actually wanted to go out with him again and I texted him. He texted me back that he liked me or whatever but he knew I was a hard maybe on kids and he def wanted them. Fair, fine. But here’s where what Wendy is saying comes in. We did not have a real connection. We went on 3 dates and had a nice time and there was mutual attraction. That’s it. He wasn’t that into me. It wasn’t like omg I feel like we could be soulmates and she’s hot as hell but doesn’t want kids so I have to deprive myself of this wonderful connection and move on. He just was not that into it.
When I met my husband a year later, we DID have a very palpable chemistry and connection on the second date. Very different than the guys I had gone on 2-3 dates with because they were cute and successful and I wanted to keep seeing them. This was something real.
Anyway, I think it’s a little wack on your part to think you can now reconnect with this guy on the basis of you both want a baby. There’s nothing really there. I mean, reach out if you must, but I don’t see this going anywhere.
I understand the whish to have a baby but it is so theorical here! You don’t know him. The only thing you know for sure about your interaction was that he rejected you. It is for me a bit crazy to fantasise having a baby with a guy you met twice, and who isn’t so nice with you. If you really think so much of an old date, perhaps you go through a personal crisis. Look for support, and look forward, not backward. There will be an other guy than this one.
You went out on TWO dates. How do you know that after two dates you may not have had yet another or several non-compromising issue(s) come up? Suppose his house is a mess and he farts all of the time (or you fart all of the time and he hates that)? Suppose he hates oral sex and you love it? Suppose he’s a Holocaust Denier (or you are and that turns him off)? What I’m trying to say is that, sure, he came off as a great guy but you don’t really know someone after two dates. Stop having the negative fantasy that he was the one who got away, and move on to someone who will like your profile back when you like theirs.
I agree with Wendy about these middle aged men who think their options are limitless; looking for younger women but having nothing to offer them. But I also think the LW is so desperate. I mean 2 dates all that time ago. no wonder some men behave like they do. All so very sad.
There was a scientific study that shows that the older the man is when he fathers a baby, the higher the chance is for birth defects – and that higher chance continues through their grandchildren. Perhaps older fathers shouldn’t be a thing, after all.
Lack of a reply is, in it of itself, a reply. If he was interested in talking to you today he’d have clicked on that icon to reopen conversation. I wish I’d have learned that a lot earlier in life.
I think everyone is projecting a lot of negative motivation on his just…being clear. He’s 50 years old! He knows want he and is dating openly and honestly looking for it.
If a 40 something woman really wanted to get married and have kids, and a date told her he wasn’t interested in those same goals, everyone on here would be telling her to move on, not “Oh gosh but you had two dates and you liked him? Keep dating even though you don’t want the same things. You have weeks or months to burn!”
Now, is he just looking for an incubator? Is LW just willing to change her life trajectory because the pickings are slim? Who knows?! I don’t see the harm in reaching out and sending an email like Wendy outlined.
I think that an important factor is left out.
You reached out to somebody after almost a year and a half, about having a child and you only went on two dates with them.
I think that is a red flag by the person who wrote-in. They don’t seem grounded with reality. I can’t imagine after two dates over a year ago. I would reach out to somebody and say let’s start back up again. I’d like to have a baby.
You don’t even know how this person likes their eggs.
I think that an important factor is left out.
You reached out to somebody after almost a year and a half, about having a child and you only went on two dates with them.
I think that is a red flag by the person who wrote-in. They don’t seem grounded with reality. I can’t imagine after two dates over a year ago. I would reach out to somebody and say let’s start back up again. I’d like to have a baby. This man could be a red flag, at 50 wanting children, bringing it up on a first date. Like dude let’s get through the date and see how that goes.
You don’t even know how this person likes their eggs. In this took place over a year ago. To reach out to him about this is giving off a huge red flag to him, I’m sure. I think that she is the red flag.