“My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want My Daughter in Our Relationship”
Due to this incident, we had a huge argument. He said it had nothing to do with my daughter, but he still wouldn’t tell me why he was giving me attitude all of a sudden. He did tell me that it’s best if I don’t bring my daughter into the relationship for now. I don’t understand why he can’t try to get along with her and get to know her. I tried to explain to him that if he wants to be with me, he has to accept my daughter because she is part of me. He said he understands and assured me that his attitude had nothing to do with her.
So my question is: Should I try to bring her into the relationship again? I need them to be comfortable around each other because they are the most important people in my life at the moment. It is very important to me. I don’t want to break up with him because I love him, but I won’t keep my daughter at a distance because he can’t be man enough to be around her for too long. — Looking For Man Enough
I get a lot of letters from single moms who move in with their new boyfriends after only a few months, but it’s much more appropriate that you’ve waited eight months before trying to incorporate your boyfriend into your life with your daughter, so I commend you on not rushing that. And you’re right to say that he has to accept her (and vice versa) in order for you to move forward. What gives me pause about your scenario is that you’re already discussing marriage with this man. A healthy, harmonious relationship between your boyfriend and your daughter should be a prerequisite for discussing such a serious step and your boyfriend hasn’t spent more than a couple awkward hours in your daughter’s presence, during which he “copped an attitude,” and then asked you not to bring her around again.
So, you’ve now seen a red flag: Your boyfriend shows no interest in getting to know your daughter and says he’s uncomfortable with her being part of your relationship. Well, when does he envision her being part of his life, IF he envisions that at all? After eight months of dating, a person who’s involved with a single parent may not be part of the kid’s life yet, but he should definitely know, or at least have some idea, about whether he wants to be eventually. If he’s talking about marriage with this single parent he’s dating, he should be showing some interest, at the very least, in getting know his girlfriend’s child. That he’s actually showing discomfort is a major red flag – it should be a deal-breaker, honestly. You and your daughter are a packaged-deal. And while a potential partner doesn’t have to immediately say whether he accepts the whole package, after eight months he really needs to be able to say he has interest in exploring whether the whole package fits his life and vice versa. He doesn’t have that interest at all. Please spare your young daughter the trauma of man in her life who doesn’t want her in his and move on.
You need to make the deal too enticing to pass up. Rather than hypotheticals (“We could afford our own place!”), you need to find actual homes you could afford without taking in a roommate. You need to find potential jobs your husband could apply for that would pay enough to cover your bills. And you need to describe, in as much detail, what you imagine your life would be like in this town, in ways that seem better than your life currently is. Would living in the same town as your family provide some childcare that you maybe don’t have now, and would that child care allow you to work part-time, or perhaps enjoy some date nights that you aren’t able to afford currently? Would you be willing to take care of our child on your own for a weekend every so often so your husband could still go visit his friends, and maybe even have guy getaways with them? Basically: you need to show your husband how much better not only your and your son’s life would be, but his life as well. Give him details, paint the picture of your future, and make it a deal he can’t refuse.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1 – You need to speak clearly with your BF regarding his intentions towards your daughter. Does he plan to help co-parent your child after you marry? Does he expect to treat her the same as his bio children? Basically if he wants to be with you but resents your daughter’s presence in your lives then you need to walk away.
LW2 – Agree 100% with Wendy. Also is your husband’s friend aware of the ramifications of sharing a space with a two year old? If he is a single guy with no children, he is likely in for a shock regarding noise, mess, and overall disruption that only a small person can cause.
LW1: I think if he’s expressed not wanting to get to know your daughter, you should not force him to. But I think you deserve elaboration as to why he is uncomfortable. Maybe he isn’t as serious about the relationship and doesn’t want to create an attachment? However, I don’t really assume that the visit was a surprise. That would be kind of bizarre.
You need to ask why he doesn’t want your daughter as part of your relationship while at the same time wanting to marry you. Those two things are at complete odds. There is a difference between delaying a meeting and avoiding one. Delaying your partner meet your child is sound judgement. Avoiding spending time with a partner’s child is a problem. If he truly loved you – all of you – you as a mother you – then he should want a relationship with your child, not seek to avoid her. For her sake, ask him to clarify exactly what your future relationship will look like because your first duty is to your child and not to subject her to anyone’s resentment or indifference or attitude about her existence. At the first sign of any behaviour damaging to your kid, leave. You can love someone and not be right for them and they not be right for you.
I think LW1 may be overestimating their relationship status a bit (hopeful optimism or delusion is debatable). Some people consider mentions of “if we were married, we would do this or that,” references to fantasy life or conversations about wanting kids and a house in the future as discussions about marriage rather than having concrete conversations about wanting to spend the rest of my life with you and child (and how that would happen), I see us ready for marriage soon, etc. It read to me like this is more casual (with fantasy elements) and her bringing a “clingy” type of child that won’t separate from Mom or nap/play on her own may interfere with sexy time for the adults. He may be stalling for time, when she is older/more self sufficient. He likely was counting on having more fun with LW1 before involving her child or playing daddy. Also, no mention of child’s father or the conversations they should be having about parenting the child or the role he would be comfortable playing indicates this may be too soon for him/his timeline. He may not have decided whether he wants to spend his life with you and doesn’t want to get attached to the child yet? He may fear that telling you this will make you question his intentions. Can you set a timeline with him (really both of you) that he would be comfortable with? On the other hand, he may be playing about a future and have no real intentions of a future. He may have been disturbed that you took away sexy time to replace with family time he has no honest intention of fulfilling. You need to dive deep with him and level-set about expectations.
LW1- you’ve been dating for 8 months, are talking about marriage and kids and he can’t deal with a surprise visit from your little girl?
He may like talking about future kids, but it’s a big red flag that he has trouble accepting your daughter. And of course you shouldn’t feel like you have to keep her at a distance. You may love this guy, but your first allegiance is to your child.
LW 1: How long will you let your boyfriend push your daughter away? Will you keep making excuses or allow him to make excuses. She is part of your package and he has to be on board with that. And should be on board with it before you make wedding plans.
It sounds like he was expecting LW to come to his place, but not with daughter. I think LW is just someone he’s interested in for sex and has no long-term intentions. He likely has nothing against the daughter, other than her appearance meaning that LW thought relationship was far more serious than he wanted it to be and that the daughter’s presence meant he wasn’t going to get to bang LW on this particular visit.
THIS!!!!
My mom dated a guy, a nice Jewish doctor, who adored her, but tolerated me. She broke up with him and married a guy who also adored her but also understood that mom and I were a package deal. He treated me like a daughter from the first time we met as did his parents and other relatives. I was never “other” I was family.
Your daughter deserves the same.
What does Jewish have to do with it?
Exactly my thoughts!!
Looking for man enough: You have not found man enough. Dump him and move on. He’s talking out of both sides of his mouth: you can’t want your girlfriend’s daughter to stay out of your relationship while also saying you have no issues with her. Move on.
His reaction to your daughter makes me question his maturity level. I see it as a huge red flag, Whether he was expecting to see the child or not, he should have been mature enough to understand that she is only 2. I have a 2 year old, that is how they act around people they aren’t used to. He needs to GTFU.
And the “I don’t want to break up with him because I love him” thing is sweet, but love isn’t everything and in my opinion you may a bit dazzled by the prospect of marriage. So many woman are in such a hurry to get a man to marry them that they ignore obvious warning signs. This is one of them. A big one.
Stop trying to force your child on a man who didn’t create her. I’m sure her biological father is a POS. It stop stop stop trying to get men to love yourubdaughter kust cause they’re having sex with you. Get it? They want to have sex Not play daddy.. what is it with women like this? How bout u stop focusing of penis n go raise your child? Teach her things, not how to hunt for a daddy. Maybe if u had been more secure in your relationship lime get married or actually know the man who impregnated you wouldn’t be a desperate baby mama with a two year old looking for a man to play a role that he has zero obligation to take on… ever think about that? What’s love got to do with it.
Wow! This comment is so outside of the tone I usually see here. I can see the misogyny you have internalized in every sentence.
Dear Looking For Man Enough,
Yes, you have to try to insert your daughter into the relationship again. Because if you are talking about a future together, your daughter is embedded in it. You should put your daughter first, regardless of whether you love him or not. If your boyfriend really loves you, he will make an effort to get along with your daughter since she is only a 2 year old … Try to do more family programs, such as going to the park or going to the mall , Look for alternative ways to bring your daughter into your relationship without “scaring” your boyfriend, and make him understand that your daughter is part of the package. I think you’re very clear about who to choose if you have to choose between your daughter and your relationship, and I totally agree with you. There is nothing more important in life than your daughter !!!
Good Luck and Be Happy !!
Ass: Sara Stéfany
She should not have to force it. If he isn’t enthusiastically on board, he is not the right fit. Her daughter deserves better. At most, given his discomfort and attitude around a two year old, he might develop a tolerance. Kids deserve to be fully loved and cherished, not tolerated.
Dear Looking For Man Enough,
Yes, you have to try to insert your daughter into the relationship again. Because if you are talking about a future together, your daughter is embedded in it. You should put your daughter first, regardless of whether you love him or not. If your boyfriend really loves you, he will make an effort to get along with your daughter since she is only a 2 year old … Try to do more family programs, such as going to the park or going to the mall , Look for alternative ways to bring your daughter into your relationship without “scaring” your boyfriend, and make him understand that your daughter is part of the package. I think you’re very clear about who to choose if you have to choose between your daughter and your relationship, and I totally agree with you. There is nothing more important in life than your daughter !!!
Good Luck and Be Happy !!
Cheer Sara Stéfany
LW1 – It’s good that you waited 8 months to introduce him to your daughter. I would ask him point blank what his issue was when they met and not let it slide. I don’t want to judge without more details, but unless you get a very good reason I’d be out. You both deserve better than someone who tolerates you.
LW2 – Same. Talk to him. Find out what’s at the root of his hesitation – for me, moving in with a friend sounds awful when I could have my own place. Wendy’s answer is off putting to me…why should she find jobs, homes, etc for a grown adult man? I can see homes to a degree- hey, here’s a great place we could afford on our own- but I’d rather understand what he’s thinking than do all of the work for him in order to get my way.
LW1: he’s not your guy. Give your daughter the respect she deserves by not dating someone who doesn’t want to be around her 8 months in.
LW2 disagreements on living places aren’t to be taken lightly. They can cause divorces. Take this seriously and make a very good argument.