“Where Are All the Strong, Confident Men?”
Even the best driver in the world isn’t going to know exactly how to get around in a town he’s never been before. Do yourself and the men you’re with a favor and give a few directions to help them find your sweet spots. If he still hasn’t found his way around after a few drive-throughs, then you can think about finding someone who’s a more confident driver, but casting judgment on someone who’s never been to your particular town is unwelcoming to say the least.
I know that all sounds minor, but Helen’s been really tough on his family and this whole year has been about how the wedding is only about her. I just feel like I don’t know her anymore. However, we have many mutual friends, all of whom feel the same way. The difference is that I do not want to attend the wedding, but my other friends are going. When we were all together a few weeks ago, I floated the idea that I would not be attending. Our mutual friends looked at me like I had two heads. The thing for me is that I am a bridesmaid in two other weddings this summer and my budget is tight. Attending Helen’s wedding at this point would cost over $600 because of the location, travel costs, and hotel stay.
I don’t really want to rock the boat. Would it be appropriate to send a note along with the rsvp and say that I cannot attend but I wish them the best? I have already purchased her bridal shower and wedding gift, so I would obviously send those in my stead. I’ve also committed to attending her bachelorette because it is in our city. Weddings are so touchy with people, and I also don’t want to make things awkward in our group of friends. Any guidance you have would be most appreciated! — Wedding guest
I would simply attach a short note on the RSVP card saying, “Due to prior commitments this summer, I’m disappointed I won’t be able to attend your wedding. However, I look forward to celebrating with you at your bachelorette party soon!” No need to give any more details than that. And if the bride has a problem with you not attending, well, it sounds like she’s not the kind of person you’ll miss from your life anyway.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Helen sounds like a real witch.
Agreed.
LW1 does sound a little intimidating (to say the least).
I usually find that couples complement each other, one taking charge more than the other, etc. Maybe that´s why you´re attracting more “submissive” guys?
LW1: Yeah, the “drivers” you have recently been with are lying. You are VERY intimidating.
LW3: Your friend sounds like a wonderful person. Why wouldn’t you want to attend her wedding?
OK, I’m joking, she sounds like a massive bitch. Why are you friends with her? Definitely RSVP ‘NO’ to a person’s wedding who yells at their dying mother-in-law. That’s a sign of a scumbag.
I hope there is more to the story with “Helen”… I just am trying hard to believe there aren’t people that evil. Because it makes me really sad.
Unless you are in the Bridal party, you are not required to go to a wedding!!! Invitations are just that, and if you don’t want to go, don’t go! Trust me, she probably won’t even notice that you’re not there- why spend all that money on a girl you clearly don’t really like that much?
I read letter #2 wrong at first and thought it was her Mom who was sick and I felt a little sorry for her. Then I realized it was the poor woman she was being awful to who was sick. Personally I wouldn’t care if I lost someone like that as a friend.
LW #1. You do sound intimidating. “Strong” men also like to be the ones to “drive” and I’m sure you’re attracting the opposite because of both of these. I’m not sure by your letter if you’ve actually been intimate with the men you’ve dated or are just assuming because they’re “submissive” in general that they’ll be like that in bed. If you haven’t, you may be surprised.
LW #2. Please stop with the texting and give the guy a call! It may be too late. You’ve made him feel unappreciated a couple of times but at least you’ll know for sure.
LW1, you sound like an awesome, take-charge person, so I think the guys you’re attracting might be defaulting to their submissive state in order to balance you out? Like JK said above, couples tend to complement each other.
LW2 Ew, Helen sounds…really difficult. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go.
LW #1 – perhaps a “newer model” with more “horsepower” would provide the “drive” you’re after in the sack. And I’m only partly kidding. There’s something different about a young man who’s got more testosterone than he knows what to do with, his drive sure has more intensity. As a woman who can “take care of herself” it might be time to reframe the situation and consider breaking some taboos to get your needs met in life.
LW #2 – enjoy your summer, enjoy the other two weddings, enjoy the bacherlorette party. Next time, though, it might be less embarrassing for everyone involved if you make an independent decision rather than putting your mutual friends in the tough spot of knowing all the nitty-gritty details of why you’ll be declining. “Helen” may not be making the choices you’d like her to make, and that’s putting your values under a magnifying glass. A person’s character is often best seen under stress and if you don’t like the way her values clash with your it’s a signal that more distance is appropriate…no more, no less (unless it’s your duty as a moral human being to step in and protect Helen’s MIL, but I think that would be highly inappropriate).
LW3# I also agree that if you don’t want to go, then don’t go, but I think if you don’t, all of your friends will definitely be talking about it when somebody asks since they all know the real reason why so just be prepared for that.
LW 2 here…some of that information is indeed second-hand. However, a substantial portion of it I heard myself during my interactions with her over the last year, even though they were limited. Initially, I tried to tactfully point out that maybe she should try to see it from his family’s perspective, and I think that’s why I haven’t heard from her much since then. Just wanted to clarify. Thanks for all the great advice Wendy and readers. I think I knew what I wanted to do, and I just needed a neutral third-party to say it was an acceptable decision.
LW 1 – I agree with the above comments that you may be putting out too intense of a vibe for the type of man you think you want to attract. That said – you need to give time to people to understand you / your needs. I too wish a beautiful woman (man in your case) would fall from the sky at my front door, know everything about me (good and bad and more importantly how to navigate it) but that just isn’t reality. I for one start out kind of submissive…but as I get to know the person I’m with (and for example if they like an aggressive partner in the sack) then I get more comfortable being that way with them…I just need to get comfortable with that person.
LW 2 – what wendy said…
p.s. I think I hate the whole concept of weddings.
Why is everyone mentioning sex with LW1’s letter? I’m pretty sure that one was about driving.
LW1, maybe get your next boyfriend a GPS. Or just try driving yourself for awhile.
Um, she was using driving as a metaphor for sex….
LW 1) Wow…after reading your letter I have no idea why you’re alone at 54. None at all. One thing, I’ve learned though is that aging, rundown towns are often very tricky to navigate without a map.
LW 2) Helen sounds like a bitch, sure. But how do you even know all of this? Did you bug her house or what? Seriously, you seem to know so many specific details that it all begins to sound, well, very made up… Or do you and your gang just sit around endlessly gossiping and bitching about your friends? At any rate, thanks for kindly providing me reason #1,567,921 that I am grateful not be a female…
All snark aside, LW#1 doesn’t seem to be interested in understanding the world as it is, but rather is frustrated that at what it isn’t. You can argue that strong men who want to drive SHOULD respect a woman who is as independent and take charge as she is. You can argue that a 54 year old woman who is probably still quite pretty and in shape SHOULD attract a good strong confident man. You can argue that women and men SHOULD be able to have a totally equal relationship. You can argue that war shouldn’t happen while you’re at it, and probably make a pretty good case.
The world is the way it is, and the tragedy of most is they have a weird idea that they should be responsible for changing it and should change it. There are two problem with this thinking – first of all they can’t change the world, and second of all even if they could they probably shouldn’t.
If LW#1 wants a strong confident man, she should try to attract one. What do strong, confident men want? They want women who recognize that in them and don’t get in the way, but are instead willing to follow where they lead. Another term for this kind of woman is “submissive.” Yes, I know it’s kind of a shock, but the fact is that strong, confident men really love being with submissive women. They do not love having to fight for the lead all the time with agressive women. They feel they know where they are going and only want support, not direction or back seat driving.
If LW#1 wants to get the kind of man she’s pining for, she should work on her.
There is a difference between dominance and confidence. She doesn’t want a dominant man – she wants a confident one.
I would even argue that the more dominant you are – the less true confidence you actual have in your abilities – whatever your gender.
@LW1
Competition vs cooperation. A “strong competent manly man” will be fine with a woman who has those same traits, provided that she does not feel the need to compete with him to prove it. Frankly life is too short to arm wrestle for control with your life partner at every turn. You may indeed be all that you claim, although most people who have those traits tend not to advertise it so pointedly, but you clearly don’t have the empathy to understand how to share control in the relationship. Sometimes you drive, other times he drives, the key is developing the empathy to understand when. It’s not something you can negotiate. It’s about taking the time to understand what each other needs and wants in the moment.