Your Turn: “I Love Him But I’m Not IN Love With Him”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
We have had some good times together — we went to Disney World twice this year and had a great time. I’ve met his parents and his friends, which my previous boyfriend did not let me do (I felt like he was ashamed of me). The guy I am with now is good to me for the most part, but there are things he says to me when we fight that really hurt my feelings. I love him, but I don’t think I’m in love with him. This is the longest relationship either of us has had, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this fighting. Can anyone help me? — Love But Not IN Love
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Sadly, it’s time for you to break up. A relationship where one person is not attracted to the other cannot sustain itself for a long period of time. On top of that you two have not been getting along lately, and you admit that you are no longer in love with him. I’m glad that the relationship you are in has a healthy foundation (i.e. introducing you to his friends and family, going on fun vacations together), but it takes more than that. And you deserve more than just that baseline of a healthy relationship. There is someone out there who you will be insanely attracted to, who will treat you well, who you will have good times with, who will introduce you to their friends and family, who will never be ashamed of you even at your most awful or embarrassing moment, and who you will want to stick by them even in the worst of times. Allow yourself to find this person by breaking up with your current boyfriend. He’s probably just as unhappy as you are right now. There is nothing wrong with letting go of a relationship that has run its course.
Loved this response kc!
Oh Dear. I really think you need to do you both a favor and MOA. If after two years you’re not feeling it, you are not ever going to feel it. It’s not fair to you or to him to keep this going. It sounds like you have a terrific friendship with this guy, but this clearly isn’t how you want to live the rest of your life. I know it’s going to be painful, but you need to sit down and have the difficult talk.
I’ve been in your shoes. I had a boyfriend who made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. The guy I dated after him treated me very well, but I didn’t love him. I stayed far longer than I should’ve because I was afraid I’d never find someone who treated me that well again. My self-esteem was horribly low. I needed to be alone for awhile to take care of myself. I eventually met someone wonderful and am happy now. It just took some time. But the first step is believing you deserve it.
LW. Just because a guy is better than your last BF still doesn´t mean he´s the right guy for you.
And like Kerrycontrary said above, there is more to being in a relationship than vacations and meeting friends and family.
For both of your sakes, let go of your BF, and go out and meet new people. I promise you´ll eet the right guy for you, and then you´ll wonder how you ever contemplated staying in a loveless relationship.
There should be like a PSA on “Better than your ex does not equal good”. It’s definitely not the first time it’s come up.
I could not agree more. I am struggling with a friend who is staying in an awful relationship just because his current gf is “better” than the previous. I can’t make him see that just because she’s not as gawdawful as his last, she’s somehow better. Ugh. So frustrating.
This pretty much sums it up!
Staying in a relationship that has run its course also means you have no opportunities to be out there and potentially meet someone who *would* be a better fit for you.
Please MOA. Seriously. I know some people will say chemistry isn’t important in a relationship, but it is. Unless you’re the kind of person who doesn’t care about that sort of thing and you’re with someone who also doesn’t care. But I think that’s rare. And you both obviously care. So I would break up with him if I were you and find someone that can be your friend, has the same values, and who you want to have sex with. Or whatever combination you are looking for.
Trust me when I say I know, because I do. I’ve broken up with a couple really great people because the chemistry was off.
You´ve made a very important point. Also, I´d like to add that chemistry /passion doesn´t have to fade over time.
Definitely agree with JK. Chemistry doesn’t have to fade with time. 25 years and still feeling it.
Seriously- I took my grandma to see ‘hope springs,’ and she got all TMI with me that SHE had never had a lack of sex, and she’s been married 70 years! If you’re not feeling hot for the new guy right away, why string along the relationship?
Couldn’t agree more. I’m still hot and heavy with my lover (of 3 weeks). Each kiss seems to lead to passionate love-making within minutes. If anything we’ve become hotter and heavier with (3 weeks of) time. Also we’ve become just plain heavier. Love is fattening. They should make a song about THAT.
Hah! Christening elevators all over the place, eh?
Oh I know your pain! I must have gained 15 pounds with the last guy I dated (which only lasted 3 months!). We spent way too much time eating. I must say, I do miss the “new love” feeling….and the food – awesome eating!
You need to MOA. Life is too short to spend it with someone you’re just not that into. The whole point of dating is so you can find someone you want to be with for the long term (If you’re looking for a long term relationship, that is). If you’re tied up with this guy who you’re not in love with, you’re missing all kinds of chances to actually meet someone you REALLY want to be with.
It might be tough, but you need to break up with him.
I agree with everyone saying sadly this relationship has run its course. See what you can learn from it by reflecting on what went well, and what went badly, in your relationship. It sounds like being with someone who’s out was a positive step, but that maybe you weren’t as attracted to him. So next time, look for someone who’s out whom you’re also attracted to. Your next partner may have both those qualities but also have some fatal flaw, like a drinking problem. So then it becomes, I need someone who’s out, who I’m attracted to, no addictions. And so on. That’s dating.
It sounds like your relationship has run its course and it is time to move on. There is nothing wrong in realizing that this relationship doesn’t work for you. He can be a great guy but not the right guy for you and that’s okay.
Eee, I’m sorry, LW– but this relationship probably isn’t the right one for you. It doesn’t sound like you’re just in a sexual slump (which would be workable). You admit to not being into the dude at all: “He asks me to go to bed with him and I really don’t want to. I feel bad for rejecting him, but my heart’s just not in it.” I’m not sure if this is a product of the frequent fighting, or if there’s just no chemistry– but either way, just because this is a STABLE relationship, doesn’t mean it’s a good one.
The only positive things you can say are that 1.) he’s not ashamed of you & 2.) you’ve met his parents and friends. Noooo! These are givens in a healthy relationship, not aspects that should make you hold on forever and ever. You seem to have lowered your expectations due to whatever shitty boyfriend you had before– it’s a place most of us have probably been in. But you need to forget your fears that you’ll never find a long-term relationship again if you break up with this guy. Being single is better than being with somebody who hurts your feelings during fights, who you’re not attracted to, & who you aren’t even “IN” love with.
LW, it’s time to MOA. You and your boyfriend deserve the opportunity to find a better relationship in the future. Give yourselves that chance and end this relationship. I wish you the best of luck in finding a partner that makes you so happy that you want to spend the rest of your life with them.
Relationships cannot be sustained on trips to Disney World alone. This relationship has run its course. Set each other free to find people better fitted.
i nominate “relationships cannot be sustained on trip to disney world alone” for a DW-ism.
Something doesn’t have to be drastically wrong with a relationship for the relationship not to be the right for the people in it. Your boyfriend might be a great person – he is just not a great boyfriend for you. There is nothing wrong in admitting that – if you guys aren’t compatible in some of the ways you need to be to have a full and happy relationship then that’s okay. It happens all the time. It sounds like you have a nice friendship – maybe you can be friends again one day but it doesn’t sound like you should be in a relationship together. An investment of two years seems like a long time – but you won’t feel that way 5 years from now. And that time wasn’t wasted – you realized what you need to have a happy relationship and that is a lesson you can apply going forward.
“I am a gay male and am dating someone whom I am not sexually attracted to.”
I could have stopped reading there because there is no other reason to continue. What you are doing is cruel and unnecessary and you know it. Stop playing with the damn tape on the side and rip the bandaid off for fuck’s sake! Maybe if you give him some space he can eventually be friends with you, because that’s clearly all you want from him.
Agreed with everyone that it is time to break up. It doesn’t seem worth to hang on, does it?
I do wonder, however, if after all is said and done… somewhere down the road… could the two of you be friends? I know it takes two special kinds of people to be friends after breaking up and have it truly be healthy. But, you do seem to care very much about this guy. You say you have great times together. The part that is missing is the chemistry. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if in 6 months to a year from now, after you’ve both had some time to heal and date others if you could rekindle a frienship? Something to think about, considering the bond that exists between you two. But, for now… take some space and time.
Best of luck!
completely what TheGirl said. break up with him, it’s not fair. let me tell you, it SUCKS to be on that side of the relationship. your confidence goes down, and yea, i remember getting pretty jerk like as a result.
MOA.
I have a tangential question regarding libido. The LW mentions he has been tempted to fool around with other men. Does that mean he has the desire for sex (and all the physical and emotional goodies that come along with it) but not with his current partner?
If the answer is yes, then I agree there’s something fundamental missing from this picture because sex is an important part of a healthy life and it needs to be a free-and-easy part of appropriate relationship(s). I feel badly if there’s a cycle of hurt coming out of the cycle of “he offers/I say no/I feel badly/we fight/I feel worse.” And it’s easy to see how that cycle can go apocalyptic if it’s not reigned in and someone says something they’re really going to regret.
If the answer is no, then I suggest that the LW find a counselor to work with and examine whether this is short-lived, medical, long-term or psychological so that he can know himself better and better communicate his needs to any sexual partner.
If the answer is “I want him, but not at the times he wants me” then maybe there’s some investigation warranted to find out if they’re just not in synch and if better communication might solve things. If it’s just a matter of “I’m going to say no to you because I feel like you smacked me down the last time I asked” that can be overcome with a big ol’ slice of Humble Pie and a can of whipped cream.
My biggest hope for the LW is that he will understand why it’s not working if/before he decides to MOA so that the problem does not follow him into his next relationship and become a barrier, but instead so that he can go on as a more confident, more alluring, healthier man.
Break up with him. I’m not sure why there’s any confusion here. People get in relationships and they break up sometimes. Particularly when they aren’t attracted to the person anymore or feel that they are not in love with them. It’s just how it works. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or whether you’ve had fun before. I imagine your boyfriend is feeling pretty bad about himself because of the continual rejection, so don’t drag your feet on this — it’s mean.
I had a dear sweet BF while in my mid- 20’s. Everything was there, but for sexual chemistry. It started out OK, but we just never really meshed on that level. He was kind, nice looking, generous, funny, we took great trips together. We would have great conversations. He would have made a good husband and father, but I really wanted the whole package. We broke up / or sort of faded out… after 2 years… but 25 years later we are still friends and married to others who, at least on my end, there is better sexual chemistry AND all of the other things are in place. I personally had to wait another 8 years before I met my husband. Sometimes it is just like that. Perhaps if it was a different era I would have been content to marry such a nice man… before women cared about their sex lives…. and he would have made a good partner, but in my 20’s sex was way too important to let it go…
I had a very similar experience. Although I haven’t met the person I want to spend my life with yet. And my ex and I remained friends for a while, but we now live in different cities and our friendship faded. I want it all. The friend. The lover. The mutual respect. And I think that’s ok. There’s a lot of material out there on settling. I think it’s b.s.
I also had a similiar experience. Met a guy who I meshed with on so many levels. He really would have been a perfect husband for me, but there was just no chemistry on my end. I tried to force it and that didn’t work at all. He definitely felt there was chemistry, so it was very difficult to end it, since I did enjoy his company, and his feelings were hurt, but I knew it wouldn’t make me happy to be with him. Not to mention I’m sure he would have eventually picked up on my ambivalence, which I bet the LW’s boyfriend already has.
I think everyone has covered everything as far as breaking up, so I’ll give you another POV. If it’s helpful, good. If not, break up and move on.
I think the general consensus is that between 18-24 months, the hormonal good feelings (liminence, I think it’s called) will fade. That doesn’t mean “no spark”–but the initial crazy love feelings are pretty much dissipated by this point. So you don’t have that anymore. Is that the problem? If you are repulsed by him, that’s one thing. If you’ve never found him attractive, that’s also a problem. But if you did want to jump his bones, and now you don’t, you should probably think about what changed.
Does the fighting lead to your unattraction, or does the unattraction lead to the fighting? Or is it a vicious circle? If I were fighting with someone on the regular, and he was being nasty and hurting my feelings, there’s no way I’d want to sleep with him. But if he were feeling rejected, he’d probably start fights and be irritable with me! So is there a way to break the cycle, if that’s what the problem is?
I guess the question becomes: Do you love this guy and do you want to be with him? If you just think “eh, he’s better than my ex and he’s better than being alone,” then MOA! There are other dudes. But if you think there’s something there worth saving here, then try to save it. Communicate with your boyfriend. Suggest counseling to help you fight in healthier ways. Take some initiative in your sex life to make it hotter for you. You don’t have to break up simply because you’re fighting or you’re in a sexual slump. But you do have to take steps to change things.
MOA, bro. If you feel guilty for dumping someone you are dating because of a lack of sexual attraction – get over it. There are a lot of valid reasons and that is one of them. It doesn’t make you superficial. Everybody is attracted to something different.
It can be hard to break up with someone even if you know you want to. It’s normal to feel this way, especially if this is your first relationship that has lasted this long. Even if your bf will be hurt if you break up, you’re not doing something wrong, rather you are actually doing him and yourself a big favour. So forgive yourself for having to hurt him.
I also feel it’s normal for young people (I’m assuming you’re pretty young, sorry if I’m wrong) to try out relationships even though they have some pretty obvious dealbreakers right from the start, like lack of sexual attraction. I did this once, too. For many this is a part of learning about what they want and need in relationships. So you probably had your reasons for entering this relationship, you’re learning something from it, and now you’re ready to move on. There’s nothing wrong with that.
MOA. The two of you should have been friends, not lovers. Probably too late to be just platonic friends.
Read the first sentence you wrote. That should tell you all you need.
“I am a gay male and am dating someone whom I am not sexually attracted to.”
When I first read this I was like, “you mean a woman?”
Then I read the rest and was thinking, eh might as well be a woman. Get along, have fun, go on trips, but just don’t want to have sex. Sounds like me and any one of my close buddies. The only thing that separates a close friendship and a romantic one is sex. Your relationship with this dude will never be a romantic one.
LOL Mainer!
LW, I feel like giving you a hug. I echo what everyone else has said about ending the relationship. With that being said, you have admittedly said that you are not in love with him so why lead him on? Have you sat down and talked to him and told him how you feel? If not, I suggest you do that and sooner rather than later.
The same goes with arguing. Have you talked to him about WHY you argue? It appears that you do have a solid foundation and a solid foundation involves friendship in any relationship. If you were friends before your relationship, maybe you can go back to that, but it is difficult to do that. Sometimes, it just isn’t meant to be anything more than a friendship.
To sum up, talk to him and tell him how you feel; make sure you two are on the same page. Don’t lead him on and end the relationship as amicably as you can. Also, there is nothing wrong with being single and you shouldn’t “settle” or be with someone that you are not completely happy with just because he is better than the last one. Enjoy being single.
Good luck!
“I have been completely faithful and have not cheated on him, though temptation was there (but I’m not that kind of person).”
This kinda bugs me. I was the partner of someone who wouldn’t sleep with me and eventually didn’t even want to touch me for a very long terrible relationship. It destroyed my self-esteem and my ability to see myself as attractive. Was I the idiot who stayed? Yes. But somehow having that same partner tell me “at least I didn’t cheat” wouldn’t have made it any better. “Hey I didn’t cheat, I just would rather to abstain from sex altogether rather than be repulsed by touching you.” See? Not better. Saying you don’t cheat just makes you feel better while you continue to do a pretty crummy thing to a man who deserves better from you.
I was in your boyfriend’s place, so I wish I could tell him to break up with you, as I know that did wonders for my self-esteem. But I can’t, so I’m telling you. If you care about him at all, break up with him in the kindest way possible and blame yourself. Because it is about you. He’s attracted to you, so he’s contributing. You are not. This is your problem, so treat it that way.
Once you’re out of this relationship, really think about what you should be contributing to a partner before you get into another relationship. Until you realize that its not ok to hurt someone like that for months at a time, I’m not sure you’re ready. I know you are trying to protect his and yours feelings from a break up, and I know I am probably putting too much of my own feelings in this comment and I’m sorry for that, but please understand you are doing much more harm than good to this man in the long run.
And everybody has fun at Disneyworld. Everybody.
And everybody has fun at Disneyworld. Everybody.
I feel this should make it in Wendy’s newsletter. Because it’s true. And if you don’t, you probably suck at life.
WSS. Perfection.
Eh, you sound like a whiny little bitch. You are being a whiny little bitch. Look, you can’t constantly sexually reject somebody and then expect them NOT to fight with you. You can’t constantly sexually reject somebody and then still expect them to say nice things.
Honestly, I’d almost have more respect for you if you WERE cheating. Why? Hey, at least then you’d get off your oh-so-obnoxious moral high horse. “I’m not that kind of person…” Really? Okay, what kind of person are you? Do you honestly think somebody who shamelessly leads somebody else on for two years is somehow REALLY any better? Seriously? Because the fact remains — either way, cheating, love but not in love, this guy has WASTED two years of his life on you. Two years. That’s like ten in the straight world.
Gee, I’d sure love to know WHO paid for those fabulous trips to Disney World. I have my own sneaking suspicions it’s him — right? I mean, hey, why else would you be sticking around? It’s all so terribly painful for you… Oh, the tragedy. Okay, here’s a little NEWSFLASH. If you are sticking with somebody because they are quote un quote good for you — i.e. translation, a real big help with ALL the bills… Well, then when they make a routine move on you sexually, your heart so doesn’t have to be in it. Just your cock.
Maybe I’m projecting here, but you sound so much like so many of my friends’ asshole boy toy boyfriends. The kind that shamelessly go through life using people for both their emotions and coin — all they while wallowing in the tragedy of their life in that they themselves are NOT in love. It so hard always being the prettiest one, isn’t it? B.O.O. H.O.O. Whatever. It’s boring.
But hey, at least everybody here at Dear Wendy will now get to see me call somebody else (in other words, NOT a woman) on being a total user bitch.
Yay! Not hating on a woman! I approve.
Preach, BGM!
“Two years. That’s like ten in the straight world.”
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
You learn something new every day…
I like the new picture!
Really? It was supposed to just be for yesterday as it’s 9/11 related. But I can’t get it to change for some reason today…
It seems appropriate that you’ve got your hand to your head. Like you’re grabbing your hair in frustration over all the LWs 😉
What? How odd. That IS the new picture I was desperately trying to upload all morning… But my computer insists on showing the old one from yesterday — the 9/11 Madonna ticket stub. Curious. I am now baffled as I look at the ticket stub photo presently by my post…
i see the ticket stub too….so you’re not going crazy 😉 unless we both are…
Strange. See this is why I don’t bother to change my picture, haha.
I see the hand on head pic (which I love, btw).
“Oh, the tragedy. Okay, here’s a little NEWSFLASH. If you are sticking with somebody because they are quote un quote good for you — i.e. translation, a real big help with ALL the bills…”
This really struck a chord with me. So many women say their boyfriend is “good for me.” Many people say this because their boyfriend treats them well. Surely, that’s a componenet. But “good for me” also means he’s not living on the edge financially. Would he still be good for you if he had $0 to his name?
I´m not sure if this guy is the guy you described up there, but I HATE that guy. That guy also happens to be one of my best friends. I have no idea what to do to make him see that his behaviour is cruel and not ok (although his ex of 5 years did finally break up with him, or actually, made him admit that he didn´t want to be in the realtionship anymore)
Now, a string of older and successful men are coming along, and he basically throws them out as soon as someone more interesting/rich/higher social status comes along.
I´m pretty sure that most of these older men don´t see him as more as a pretty young thing to show off, but at least one did have feelings for him. I refuse to meet any of them by now, because I don´t want to like them and then see them get hurt.
Any ideas how to change his behaviour? He is my friend, and I love him, and he´s seen me through the worst time of my life, so I KNOW that he isn´t really that shallow, snobby, bitchy person he is with his men. I just don´t know how to react to it.
Let me guess. Your friend is VERY hot right?
Truth be told, the only way his behavior will change (oh and believe me, it WILL change) is that he will very suddenly find himself no longer quite so young and no longer quite so pretty. His shelf-life for being such a stuck up bitch/trophy boy is only about 30, tops. Hell, 28 is probably much more realistic at the rate things are going with agism in the gay world. Moreover, the ONLY reason Daddy Gaybucks ever puts up with being so shamelessly used is that they wanna bang the hot twenty two year old. Your friend is probably too vapid to get this and he thinks he’s a real catch and blah blah blah. The only reason ANYBODY wants him if he is the cunt you describe him to be is that hot body of his. Once that’s gone… Poof! Cinderfella is left alone at the ball in rapidly fading Dolce & Gabbana looking forward to new exciting new career of cleaning toilets.
As for the older, wealthy men. Eh, 90 percent of them KNOW exactly what the fuck the are getting. If they sincerely wanted somebody with depth and soul and somebody that actually REALLY cared about them, they’d fucking go after people their own age. End of story.
I know it goes without saying, but ******SIGH******** I know some women like this too. And it makes me crazy. One in particular with the implants, spontaneous trips to Miami with dudes she just met, NBA players, the whole 9 yards. She is about to turn 30 and, oh boy, are the walls about to come crumbling down. I have tried and tried to get through to her but it doesn’t click. I don’t meet the men in her life either, if I can help it, because she tends to attract the ones that want to be the knight/savior to her damsel in distress routine. And it never goes well.
Just tell her that if one of these guys wants to take her to Aruba, and takes out a life insurance policy on her (in case she dies in a snorkeling “accident) to say NO!!!! And it’s true, something happens after 30….
True, he´s a pretty boy.
Most men he dates are about 10 years older, max. He´s 24 now, so you mean I´m looking at four more years of this? Dear god. Fortunately, he does have a good job and is advancing in his field, so scrubbing toilets he won´t.
I just don´t understand why he does it. It´s as if he can´t be the person I know he could be, and is with me at least, because then he wouldn´t fit into the stereotype. I´m getting a bit tired of always having to ground him when he tells me about the fabulous trips guys take him on, but I feel like I´m the only one who really does it, because everybody else just encourages that behaviour because, OMG SO FUN!!! He loves SHOPPING and CHAMPAGNE and we´re having such a good TIME!
Idk
UGH.
Life is too short to settle for a great friendship without passion.You can have both…. and it’s incredible!
You lost your mojo, baby?!
Seriously, end this thing. Ask yourself how much more time you want to waste, then at that time, face reality and carry on, my wayward son…
A relationship requires both common ground and to me personally, chemistry is always a must! Never settle for less, if you’re not into having sex with him, seriously, what’s the point? The one and only time I was in a sexless relationship, I lost my mojo (3 months in, sex dried up, 6 months in, I realized I had lost my mojo, 11 months in I was out!) I finally just came out and said, “Let’s just face reality, we’re not in love. We’re just not compatible, so lets stop wasting each other’s time. No hard feelings, just no romantic ones …”
The next time I had sex with the rebound, “I found my mojo!” NEVER give up your mojo! Hell, for that matter, never give up your independence or your mojo!