Your Turn: “If He Loved Me, He’d Move for Me”
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I’m taking a day off today to enjoy some down time with Drew, so I present this “Your Turn,” without commentary from me:
Adding another two years apart to the two years we have already been long-distance is not ideal for me. Also, moving out to a cold state across the country was not exactly in my plan either. I love him and I really thought that, after he graduated next May, he would move here with me. I don’t want to move, away from my friends and family, to his hometown which is freezing! I love my sunny, warm state. And he doesn’t want to move to my state now — he is telling me that it is unrealistic, that he has no money, and that, if I loved him, I’d move to where he is. He says he doesn’t want to move to where I am because it’s away from his family and friends.
My boyfriend seems more worried about making money and focusing on a career than on me and our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I know that his career and goals will be good for our future in the long run. But this all seems worthless to me if he has no time to invest in our relationship. And it seems hopeless and inevitable if neither of us wants to move…
If you have any advice, I could really use it… I’m desperate. — I Hate Cold Weather
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Here’s the thing: you can love each other until the cows come home, but if your logistics don’t work, they don’t work. If he doesn’t want to move, and you don’t want to move, and you don’t want a perma-long-distance relationship (I have a coworker who sees her “sweetheart” four times a year and loves it. They’re in their forties.) then your relationship is already over, you know? End it, moa, and try to find a relationship that involves less struggle and sacrifice, especially so early on. Or you know, be happily single. Both great options. Fighting what both of you want to stay together? Not a great option.
Yeah, I’m with Christy on this one. My gut reaction was ‘move on’, he’s got different priorities than you do for himself right now and… ?
It really sucks that he went back on his plan to move to you but maybe when it got down to it, he wasn’t really keen on the idea and hid that from himself and you.
But for your sanity, just end it now and hopefully you’ll end up as great friends that support each other from afar.
That’s pretty much what I was going to write. Love isn’t going to pay the bills! He’s smart to think about jobs/money. And you’re both smart to consider whether you’d be happy in your new location re: weather and distance from loved ones. Those are important things to consider. If they are deal-breakers for both of you, then this (unfortunately) can go no further.
And Christy, your coworker’s relationship sounds perfect to me! 😀
hey christy, you know that sports team you love? you know, your favorite one? THEY SUCK!
BOOM! (someone argue with me)
Dems fightin’ words there…
Why won’t anyone fight me? I feel so ignored.
You guys, Wendy just called to tell me to tell you that you all have to talk to me.
Ugh, Addie, I know. The Ravens didn’t even make the playoffs this year. I still love them, though.
LW, it is like the song, “sometimes love just ain’t enough.” But I would tell you what I would do. I would tell your boyfriend that you love him but would like to see other people. That doesn’t mean that you cut off all contact, you just start seeing what else is out there. One of two things will happen. You will either find other people or you will realize that you are meant to be together. I have told this story on here before but my brother met his wife in college. They were in love but there were some messy ex relationships and some growing up that needed to happen. They broke up, got jobs, both completed grad school then reconnected. They are now married. Sometimes breakups aren’t forever.
Wow so this sure is familiar to me. When my fiance graduated college we had been long-distance for 1yr. He had gotten a job with a company in my area. But they surprisingly located him on a project 3-4 hours away from me for the next 2 yrs. We had a total freak out of whether to stay together or not because it quickly turned our relationship from 1yr of long-distance to at least 3yrs of long-distance. My mom asked me “is he it?” and he was IT. He and I committed to doing everything possible to get ourselves together geographically after those 3 yrs and it worked out.
One of you is going to have to move, plain and simple. I think Wendy has some other articles on deciding who should move. But for us, it was who has higher earning potential? So either my fiance moved to my city, or I moved to another place and we got married (cause I wasn’t moving without a long-term commitment). One of you is just going to have to move and you two need to figure out who that is. Who will be devastated by leaving their family/friends? Who has an easier time establishing a new social circle? Is one of your careers more mobile than the other? There’s a lot of practical questions to go over.
I think the difference between you and the lw is that your bf’s job required him to move, her bf just changed his mind and said she isn’t worth moving for.
Yeh but my boyfriend could’ve also said “well I’m moving for this job and don’t want to continue the effort of a LDR”. I was just saying I understand how scary it can be to go from 1yr of an LDR (which feels manageable) to possibly 3yrs of LDR because of grad school or work (I was also in grad school during my LDR). Like you start out a relationship with a short end-date for your long-distance and it suddenly turns longer and you start to panic and wonder if you can wait that long to be together.
I still don’t know if it’s that her bf decided she isn’t “worth” moving for, he just changed his mind on moving. And not having money or not being able to find a job in an area or not liking warm weather are all legitimate reasons.
The whole “if you loved me, you would move for me” comment is immature and manipulative. Of course you can love someone and not move for them. LW, it seems like you’re putting a whole lot of pressure on yourself and this relationship. The undertone is, we want to get married and we have to figure out right now how this is all going to work!
My guess is that you and your boyfriend are probably pretty young (early to mid twenties, I’m guessing?) The point is, you don’t have to rush towards a permanent commitment right now.
Wendy writes about this a lot, but love is about so many things, timing being one of the big ones. That whole “lightning in a bottle” concept. It’s rare and so many things have to fall into place in order for it to work.
My opinion is that you’ve been in a long distance relationship long enough. If you feel strongly that is a “forever” type of relationship, one of you has to move. It doesn’t matter who moves, and it doesn’t mean that one person loves the other more.
If one of you is simply not willing to move, then you should move on from this relationship.
WTS. You said it better than I did. Lots of people love each other but just can’t move at the moment because of practicalities (like, oh, say, a JOB). And yeh, basically one of you has to move. But my feeling is both of them are trying to put their foot down about this and think that if they move they are “giving in” or “losing”. Which means you probably aren’t ready to make such an adult decision.
Sometimes love isn’t enough.
“if you loved me then you’d do….” is one of my least favorite sentences ever. It’s not cool to use your love to guilt you into doing things.
3 years long distance isn’t that bad. I did it, we’re now married. BUT if neither of you want to move, it’s NOT GOING TO WORK.
WGGS…. NOT!
everyone knows, all you need is love!
Yeah, ya just gotta follow your heart! (eyeroll)
Oh, and don’t discount the importance of the weather wherever you move. Seriously, if you move somewhere you’ll hate the weather, you’ll hate it. (And he could hate warm and sunny. Maybe he likes winter and snow. And seasons.)
Just wanted to add that.
The lack of seasons are one of the many reasons I refused to move to Florida with my folks when I graduated from college. A girl needs her snow!
I know what you are saying, but isn’t that just committing too early that you aren’t going to make the best of a situation?
This whole weather thing is so interesting. I’ve said it on here before, and GGuy and I have talked about it too, but location (thus weather) and so low on our priority list. I moved to hot as hades Florida for him, and while I don’t love it all the time, I do love being around him all the time. There is a real possibility we could move to TN, or Chicago, or even California for his job in the future, and we’re both totally cool with that. Being together ranks higher than our physical surroundings.
So I guess LW, rank your preferences. If location and weather rank higher than your BF, then you’ve got your answer. (And, I just want to add, it is totally legit to rank them higher.)
Yes, WGS. I’ll also be moving to FL (3.5 MONTHS!!!) for him and I NEVER thought I would move to FL. Never wanted to. I’m a girl who is OBSESSED with snow. When it “flurries” in Memphis I get excited. I’m all about seasons, and having a winter and snow, but being with him? More important to me. You have to decide what’s important AND respect what he decides is important to him (friends, family, and having seasons from what it sounds like). Despite what the movies say, love doesn’t conquer all.
Yeah, when I was reading the letter, I was kinda like, “…his state is freezing, really? That’s your reason? Boo hoo hoo hoo” (sorry, I’m a little cranky this morning) but then I realized there are certain states I wouldn’t move to because they’re too HOT (like Florida). And this is after cleaning 10 pounds of snow off of my car, to only be at work for an hour & a half. I’d rather this than somewhere where it’s blazing the entire year. So, weather is legit.
I think about moving just about every season (this winter, the worst Chicago winter I have ever lived through I am thinking Vegas). But then I know I would miss the concept of seasons and it would somehow suck anywhere I went. I might as well stick with the suck I know.
It sucks not having seasons. We only have super f-ing hot and dry, super f-ing hot and raining, or warm-ish- which are all pretty much variations on summer. I’d kill for a good crisp fall day, or a warm sunny spring day.
I get the not wanting to live somewhere because of the weather (as much as my husband loves me, I’m pretty sure I drive him up the wall when I’m hot because I’m unfixably grumpy).
But I think she’s using the weather as an excuse to have more reasons to not move to where he is. It seems like she doesn’t think the family and friends thing is enough, but I think it is. If you have a really close relationship with your family and can’t get by without the exact friends you have now, I think it’s reasonable to want to stay.
That being said, I don’t think it’s fair of her to have expected her boyfriend to leave family/friends/job and move to her (seems like she may not have considered that a big deal for him) when it’s not something she’s willing to do herself. She seems to think it’s a bigger deal for her and underestimates his feelings. If the relationship isn’t the highest priority (and it doesn’t seem to be), I can’t see this relationship working. Even if she convinced him to move, he’d likely end up resenting her for all he lost and she’d resent him because suddenly she’s all he has there for a long time until he makes good friends and finds a job.
Right? So at this exact moment. I am working from home and my husband is shoveling snow…you want to know why? It is FREAKING SNOWING AGAN!!!! Seriously, this winter has been awful and we have MONTHS to GO!!!!! If everyone wanted the perfect climate. We would all live in California and Italy. We built our life because of our careers and our love. To say “I won’t move for the love of my life because I will be to cold seems silly.”
Not if it’s one of your preferences. It’s fine if you don’t care about it or if it doesn’t make your list. But, I hate snow. Hate it. I married someone who we discussed where we would move, etc. And we were on the same page. If he had told me that his 5 year plan included moving to Maine. I would have been like, sorry I don’t think we’re compatible.
Conversely there might be things that are important to you that I’m just like, eh, whatever, take it or leave it. There’s no right way to feel about where you want to live, etc.
Yes, this is basically what I was trying to say. It’s great if weather/location is important to you but it’s also great if it isn’t. So, LW needs to figure out which is more important to her.
Right, but what if life happens? What if there is an amazing job in a northern climate? Let’s say this LW is in Alabama and this guy wants to be in Publishing which requires a Northern city. Well, her climate is squashing his dreams. Is a little snow worth that? It just seems so feeble to me compared to the person you want to become and the way you define yourself as a person. This LW is going to grad school to better herself and wants to live close to family, but doesn’t promote those same traits in the man she loves. And her excuse when bringing all this up is that she doesn’t want to be a little cold in the winter?
Well if she isn’t willing to move for him and him her,than the relationship isn’t worth it. And for me personally, I would never apply for a job somewhere I didn’t want to live. And if my husband suddenly started talking about wanting to move to a Northern City we would definitely have discussions. Because, man I’m not moving just anywhere. To me the job wouldn’t be amazing if it was somewhere I would hate living. If she doesn’t want to move there, she doesn’t want to. She’s not wrong for it, it’s what she wants. And neither is her bf.
i feel like you are looking at this from a “married and willing to work through anything to keep the marriage” mentality, though… this LW is just dating this guy. they are in a very objectively “easy” relationship, being young, in school, no baggage, no legal components, ect… its perfect fine for this LW in this situation to say that snow is enough for her to MOA. she’s only been dating this guy for a year!
i completely agree
Right?? They are in the “figure out if we work” phase. And it’s pretty clear that on this point, they don’t! It’s a really important thing to figure out (location preferences) before boarding the forever train.
They’re smack-dab in the Foreseeable Future Cab.
Yesssssssss.
I agree with the above commentators on several points: you guys are clearly both young and immature and have some growing up to do before you are ready to make a real commitment, and more importantly if neither of you are willing to move to join the other, even after you are done with grad school, then it’s just never going to work and you should move on sooner than later.
Something else I couldn’t help but notice was your focus on the cold weather. I live in a cold weather state and yes, the winters do suck (especially this one!), but the summers are great and if you really were a little more mature you would realize this is not as big of a deal as you are making it out to be. Being with the person you love should override something superficial like weather.
Eh, I think this depends on the person. I hate cold weather. The “winter” in the south gets to me. I love being outside. I love gardening more or less year round. I love having coffee and/or cocktails on a nice, sunny balcony or patio, even in January. I love being 2.5 to 3 hours from a beach where it is actual beach weather at least 8 months out of the year. These are things that make my life enjoyable and that make me happy. If I moved somewhere “cold,” I know I’d be miserable every time I left my house during the winter, and that’s about a quarter to to a third of my life. I don’t think it’s immature of me to say that it would take a lot for me to give up a huge part of my life and things that I enjoy for one person and move to a cold state where I don’t have those things, even though I’m sure I’d find other things I enjoyed. Of course, my husband is the same way, so I don’t have the LW’s problem. But, really, the LW’s bigger problem isn’t the weather, it’s that neither she nor her boyfriend want to move, period, because they each feel like they’re giving up more than they’re getting. That is a pretty big relationship problem.
Which state are you in? Your description pretty much convinced me to move there.
I agree with this. I’m an avid, addicted, need-it-for-my-mental-health trail runner who gets really bad freaking shin splints if I even try a slow, short run on snow or ice. Bad like knock me out for a week bad. My last really serious injury was due to running in the cold (a 20-degree day where I went to grad school was considered incredibly balmy, and an easy 6-miler turned into an Achilles tendon nightmare that haunted me for years.) I also have cold-aggravated asthma, rosacea, and atopic dermatitis. Yes, so immature to want to live in a state where my health is good and I can pursue my preferred lifestyle. 😛
I can’t really talk, I moved for my love. But it was only 20 miles. We talked about it for a long time before hand, initially I didn’t want to move either, but after much discussion realized I wanted to get outta town (and being with him every night is so much better than not).
I hope this doesn’t come out the wrong way, but was there a real big sit down talk about moving to the next town over? I could see if it was a crappy town with a lot of drugs, and bad schools, but besides that I feel like moving 20 miles away is perfect. Far enough away to keep your family from dropping by unexpectedly, and close enough that going to see them is a quick ride down the road.
Moving 20 miles barely counts as a move, IMO. I can RUN 20 miles. If you move within running distance, it’s probably not a big deal.
You can run 20 miles? Go Bethany!
Ok, well that’s not technically true. I probably could have run 15 miles this time last year, but I have tendinitis now… So…? But I could easily BIKE 20 miles!
Just want to say that 20 miles can TOTALLY be long-distance. I’d never date someone who lives in Burke, VA, or in Fort Washington, MD. Those are on the other end of the world from where I live! Kerry lives 20 miles from her boyfriend (sorry I just had the radius generator up) and that’s far! It would totally be a “ok we need to make a serious decision” level discussion. 20 miles, especially to opposite ends of metropolitan areas, is huge!
Yeh, it’s far enough that we only see each other on Wednesday nights and spend the entire weekend together when possible (like no going back and forth between our houses on the weekend). I would say 20 miles doesn’t feel far when you live in a suburban/rural area, but it does in a city. But I also would not call it long-distance since I used to only see him twice a month and it was a 3.5hr drive each way. On the other hand, moving 20 miles in a metro area can be a BFD when it concerns your commute. So I would not live 20 miles away from the center of DC, in any circumstance (now watch me eat my words in a few months….). Like we would have to have a serious reason for me to move 20 miles away from my job. I live 8 miles from my job and it takes me an hour to get to work!!
That’s crazy that it takes that long! I live in the city, and 20 miles seems like nothing. Is there not any public transportation where you live? I though DC was huge on public transportaiont. I mean I litterly walk 10 mintues to the train and it lets me off in my building.
I take the bus to the metro and the metro to work. And my building is a 2 min walk from the metro. Yeh, it takes me an hour. It probably takes me 45 mins-an hour to drive, but parking in my building is $13/day so I couldn’t afford to do that all the time. It probably takes me 30-35 mins to drive to my boyfriend’s house depending on the traffic (could take over an hour if there’s an accident). I just can’t really explain the traffic here.
I guess it actually isn’t that bad, but just hearing and hour seems long, but I live 4 miles away from work and it does take me a 30-40 minutes to get there everyday so I guess it makes sense. It used to take me an hour and a half to get to work before, and that didn’t seem to bad to me, because it was just sitting on a train. At that time I also used to live about 40 miles away from my wife(girlfriend at the time) and never considered any of that long distance.
Obviously this is all a matter of opinion, but I don’t see how 20 miles can be considered long distance. I mean at most it would take what 2 hours? Sure it presents hurdles during the week, but yeah…it’s not THAT far.
eh I lived near Burke and dated someone in DC and also someone in Rosslyn. It sort of sucked, but if you avoid traveling during the most traffic-y times its doable. It is also sort of hard to avoid in this area. One of my best friends lives in Ashburn and dates a guy who lives in Ballston etc. I mean it sucks but I don’t think it’s on par with moving to another state/country/over an hour away.
Right, I guess I was mostly referring to how moving 20 miles could be a HUGE deal around here. I was living in Capitol Hill and my gf lived near Silver Spring, and it would take an hour in the evening to go those 7.5 miles. One of the biggest reasons I moved to my neighborhood was so we could be closer. And we didn’t even live that far from each other! Now I hardly ever go back to Capitol Hill, even though I work nearby.
Yeah I see that. It is a total pain in the ass, and would be an incentive for me to move closer into the city to be with someone I really cared about you know, or be incredibly annoyed if they moved further out ha.
A lot of people will probably tell you to move on already, and LW, you’ll probably get all upset because you were totally not considering to break up with him before writing here. So I’ll tell you the “if you don’t want to MOA” options:
Being in a long-term relationship is about being in a team with your partner. If a couple acts as a team, then both persons will be willing to sacrifice individual preferences for the team. Most of the time, if you ask to people that were in a long-distance relationship “OMG so you had to move ?” the answer won’t be “Oh yes and it was so terrible and it makes me unhappy everyday because I had to sacrifice so much”. Most people that move for love and do so successfully (by not breaking up with their partner over it) understand that the list of pros was longer than the list of cons. Sure they lost some friends, but they made new ones. Sure the weather is bad but employment is better. And most of all, they are finally living with their SO and they couldn’t be more happier. Sometimes, when you do the right sacrifices, you are rewarded. But you can and you should only “sacrifice” if it’s for the team that you and your partner forms.
Do you feel like you and your boyfriend are in a team together or are you still just two individuals that love each other ? When your boyfriend tells you you should move, do you feel like he’s acting “for the team” or “for himself” ? When you want to stay in your warm state instead of moving to his cold state, are you acting for the team or for yourself ?
It’s alright if you think you’re acting for yourself ! You surely don’t want to be “in the team” if on his side, your boyfriend is totally not “in the team”. Don’t move if you aren’t sure 100% that this is for the benefit of both of you, and not just for him to be happy and you to be sad. But same as well, don’t ask him to move if you’re still both “two individuals in love” vs “one team”, because then it would be pretty unfair for him.
WMS. love this.
also, miel, i read all your answers with a french accent. and you have a beautiful voice (in my head). haha
You’re funny. I might disappoint you by saying I don’t have a classic french accent in English. Most people are like “you have an accent but… I can’t pinpoint from where”. One of my student asked me if I was from Czech Republic because of my accent. Err…. no ?
thats ok, it doesnt have to be a classic french accent to be pretty. my boss also doesnt have a classic mexican accent and his accent is awesome, so im gonna assume yours is too!
When I read your comments, you sound like Celine Dion!
Perfect, Miel! The team mentality is exactly what’s important here.
LW, couldn’t your boyfriend say the exact same thing to you . . . “If you love me enough, then you’ll move here when you’re done with school.”
As others have said, that’s a super crappy sentence. Don’t use it. Ever. If neither one of you are willing to compromise, and I don’t think that either of you really are, then this relationship has run it’s course. It sounds like you both love your home town’s and your families and your friends and that maybe, in the long run, those things are too important to give up.
Remember, when it comes to choosing a partner, timing really is everything. I’ve had a few serious relationships and all of them ended well. They ended well because as much as we might have loved or cared for one another, timing due to various circumstances, sucked. Don’t force something because one or both of you will end up unhappy.
But that’s EXACTLY what the boyfriend said.
“he is telling me that it is unrealistic, that he has no money, and that, if I loved him, I’d move to where he is.”
The LW never actually says it, it’s just the headline.
Yeah, thanks for pointing this out. So many people are assuming she actually SAID this, but ~he’s~ the one who said it to her.
What really stood out to me is you don’t want to move away from friends and family. Neither does he. That alone tells me that this isn’t going to work.
Also, yeah it sucks that he changed his mind. But you know what? That’s okay. If I had a nickel for everytime I changed my mind about major life decisions in college, I would be a very wealthy woman right now.
So MOA. Find a new relationship. Or career. Or the best frozen yogurt in town. Whatever floats your boat. And more than likely – you’ll find someone who matches up with your priorities.
I agree with WEES. When you talked about moving was it actual plans or just hypothetical? Because I mean of course it’s easy after just a year when you’re feeling super in love and happy to say of course in two years I’ll move, without having an actual logistical conversation about it.
Neither of you at this point wants to give up your friends/family for the other. And there’s nothing wrong with that, except maybe that you’re not right for each other. So, have one more conversation. Talk about what you both want and what you both see your futures as. If you can’t come up with a future where it’s worth it for one or both of you to leave your towns to be with the other one. Then there isn’t anything you can do. You can’t make someone do anything for you, and if you have to make them, all you’re going to do is build resentment.
And using the line if you love me enough you’d move for me is manipulative coming from him and if you said it to him, as well. Don’t go down that path, you’ll both end up unhappy with the results.
So neither of you want to move a way from your friends and family, and his trump card is money, and your trump card is the sun. Tough call, but I say that this is not going to work, and you will both be miserable if one of you ever moves to the other, because you clearly don’t want too, and will be treating it like being forced too, which will lead to no good. So have one last conversation about it, and if neither of you can be happy moving then call it off, have sex one more time, and go back to your respected corners of your country.
I would say compromise & move somewhere in between? but I realize you can’t do that until you finish your masters, & it sounds like he has work shit where he lives. So yes, that adds 2 years of long distance, which you don’t want. Honestly, you sound ready to call it quits (“this all seems worthless…hopeless…” etc.) & I would advise that’s what you do. This is a clear we-want-different-things circumstance.
Fabelle, tell me a true sexy story that has something to do with these words: helmet, cookie sheet, and ice.
Go!
You guys are in a naturally transitional part of your life. You’re both trying to figure out career paths and what you want to do with your lives. Why rush the decision? Do you know that you will be staying in the area after your master’s program, or will you need to be moving for work? What kind of career prospects does he have where you are? Will he be willing to move again in 2 years if you need to for work?
The lack of money on his part is a big deal. Have you guys talked about living arrangements? It’s not really ideal to go from a long distance relationship to living together. If he’s just out of school, maybe he wants to get his own place or a place with roommates before settling down with a partner. And he needs to have a stable job to do that. And it’s also very helpful to have your family nearby when you’re starting to become self-supporting, if only for an occasional home cooked, healthy meal.
Yes, long distance relationships suck. I did it myself for 3 years. But, we also didn’t rush things and finally found a point in our lives that we were able to move back into the same state. We talked constantly, and made sure we were both on the same page before I moved. Even though the state I’m living in wouldn’t be my first choice if I was making it alone (it’s a very red state and I don’t have any family here), I am happy with Othello *and* my career/life opportunities.
Yes to all of this. I felt like the LW didn’t really understand that a long-distance move right after college to a brand-new place where you don’t have a job actually is a big deal. It might not be him putting his career before the relationship – it might be him putting the relationship first! Is she ready to be his sole support in a new part of the country where he doesn’t know any one and doesn’t have a job? How is he going to afford rent and food? Does she want him to go into debt for her? Are there even good job prospects for her bf in her town?
Why does it have to be one or the other? Just throwing that out there. Are you too far apart to move to any kind of “halfway” point where he can still easily visit his friends and family but is still maybe a little warmer than where he lives now? I know I can get to a significantly warmer place in a 5 hour drive.
P.S., as others have already pointed out, “If you loved me, you’d…” is such a dick move to pull.
LW, everything is fun and games until shit hits the fan- and here you are, this is your shit hitting the fan. its cute and romantic and dreamy to be like “WERE GOING TO MOVE FOR LOOVVVEEE OMGGG HE LURVES ME SOOO” but now you are seeing thats not reality. reality is the actual moving, the real life giving up of whatever life you or he has and has built up until this point because the relationship is “worth” doing so. reality is never as fun as the romantic parts of life- it just isnt, no matter if we are talking about the romantics of having kids, or moving for love, or getting married, or any of it.
so here you are, in this thing we call reality. and you dont want to move and he doesnt want to move, and clearly neither one of you are ready for a long term serious commitment right now anyway- so there is your answer. i mean there are no other options.
Eh, maybe I’m just in a mood, but if I were you, I’d just but my losses now and end this.
It seems like more trouble than it’s worth.
MOA. Love isn’t enough to make this work.
So, in college, I was SOOOO IN LOVE with my boyfriend. He told me stories of how he was going to propose. We talked kids. We talked about our life together. He sent me love letters. It was adorable. We went to different colleges, 10 hours apart. Of course we were going to move to the same city after we graduated. I graduated a semester before him, found a job in Florida and moved. When he was ready to start his life after college, he didn’t want Florida, so he moved to California. To “follow Widespread Panic.” YES, REALLY.
We broke up. Amicably. But like most others, we were together for a few years. We loved one another. But when it came down to it, love didn’t counteract reality of what we both truly wanted. Apparently, it wasn’t each other. This was 11 years ago and we still wish each other a happy birthday.
I tell this to the LW because sometimes, a relationship is what it is for the time being, then it no longer is. Especially when figuring out logistics after schooling.
To follow Widespread Panic… Hahaha sorry but that’s pretty funny. Of all people to follow.
Oh god, I know. That’s why I say it, because, I mean, what the fuck. There’s a good reason we aren’t together anymore.
So, he doesn’t love you enough to leave his family and friends, and you don’t love him enough to embrace cold weather. I think you’ve got your answer.
So, this totally reminds me of this young girl I worked with and befriended last year. Her and her BF had been together for a few years, where thinking long-term/marriage BUT they wanted to live on opposite ends of the globe. Him in Seattle, her in Paris. Neither was willing to budge, and they weren’t willing to do long distance. They went back and forth about this for like 6 months, and eventually broke up over it (and she moved, not to Paris but that’s another story). She’s now engaged to another guy and SUPER happy. So, breaking up over location happens, and people end up happy after.
After college is when some pretty major life decisions are made. I can’t tell you how many couples I saw break up within the last year of college. Real life comes knocking, and that’s when they decided “we have different life goals, this isn’t going to work”.
I loved my college boyfriend deeply. He loved me deeply. We really wanted it to work. We had talked about getting married for a couple years. In the end, we had different life goals (side note, I read through some of my forum posts about him last night — all I can say is that the advice that maybe we weren’t compatible was spot on even though I didn’t see it clearly at the time). I moved for him, but I wasn’t happy and neither was he and my big relationship “plan” literally blew up in my face (in other words, we broke up).
You have different life goals right now. Neither of you will be *truly* happy if you move to the other person’s town. You’ll be miserable, and it will blow up in your face, I can pretty much guarantee it. You’re at an impasse where neither of you is willing to move for the other and that is your answer. This won’t work. I know you love him and I know you want to be with him forever, but neither of you will be truly happy with that sacrifice.
I have lived in cold climates and warm climates. I get really annoyed with “hothouse flowers” who won’t deal with a little snow or rain… and it seems that people who will only live in warm climates are a bit… I dunno…. lazy? Now if you have SAD that is a different story but it seems like the LW just has a preference for warm weather. I say, try on the cold weather for a while. It might be good for you!
Or they just really hate the snow! I mean I don’t live in the warm weather because I’m lazy. I live here because I’ve lived in many different climates and I hated being cold. I hated the snow and how cold and dark it always was. I love living at the beach where it’s warm. You’re allowed to have preferences in life. I mean I’m sure you have preferences I wouldn’t understand. That’s part of being human!
Sure it is fine to have preferences, but it seems the LW is putting the preferences over the relationship as her BF is putting his job and friends over the relationship. I personally think job and friends are more important to build a future upon… but sure LW is allowed her preferences. But if she won’t compromise I don’t see a future here.
exactly if neither is willing to compromise they won’t. but, it’s ok to decide a relationship isn’t right for you!
Really? People who only live in warm climates are lazy? Wow. Just. Wow. Maybe people who make sweeping generalizations about the lifestyles and work ethic of entire regions of people are silly, close-minded and should seriously think before they speak. Or type, as the case may be. It might be good for you!
Not ALL people who live in warm climates, obviously, but certainly if living in a cold climate is a dealbreaker, it makes me wonder. And comparing Californians to New Yorkers, for instance, I would say there is a difference, maybe not in work ethic, but there IS a difference. Ask anyone who has lived both places.
Yeah, you know what it says if the LW isn’t willing to move to the cold to be with her BF? It says she needs another BF because it’s not worth it to her. It doesn’t mean that she’s lazy, FFS!! It means she has different priorities. Seriously, WTF?
Just because you rank climate low on your list of life priorities, it doesn’t mean anything about those who rank it high on their priorities. Usually Sue, you’re pretty level headed, but you’re all sorts of off on this one.
(And, FTR, climate is really low on my priorities list. But I’m not going to look down my nose at those who disagree with me. Good grief.)
Some people just really have a different connection to where they live than others do. I have always lived near the mountains and moved away and lived on the coast, on a beautiful beach with an amazing climate, and missed the mountains like an ache. Sometimes people just want to be where they want to be, it has nothing to do with laziness or whatever. To me, location is as big or bigger predictor of my happiness level than anything else. I can make new friends wherever I go, I can find a boyfriend wherever I go, but I can’t be happy living just anywhere.
Seems to me that a lot of people might prefer a warmer climate so they can be less lazy. In the winter I sit around and do nothing for months at a time. In the summer we’re almost never inside. We’re running, biking, surfing, walking working on house projects, gardening- basically anything BUT lazy!
Yes! I’m looking forward to living somewhere warmer so I can actually DO things!
your mom does things.
boom!
There is a whole ‘nother set of things to deal with living in hot weather climates, so I don’t think it’s fair to say people who prefer to live there are lazy. It’s just a preference, like saying you prefer country or city, or a house with stairs or no stairs. None of them “mean” anything.
And wtf is a “hothouse flower”?? Also, most hot weather places have serious rainy seasons. I know here in FL it rains for basically 3 months straight daily. It’s super fun.
EDIT: I googled “hothouse flower”, it’s not a nice name to call someone. Ugh, this is so obnoxious to me.
What a jerky, judgmental thing to write! I guess I’m a whiny hothouse flower because I HATE living in cold weather (even though I have for most of my life). I would move in a heartbeat if it weren’t for family obligations.
you know, Susie J., every comment that does NOT shed some more light on your awesome and wild past is a commented wasted! sue jones, sue jones, sue jones <– that's me chanting for you to spill it
I lived for a year in the middle of the desert nowhere in New Mexico for a year with my college boyfriend for a job, right after college. We had no car, we were isolated. I hated it. He loved it. I then moved to a city in the northwest with my college boyfriend. I loved it. He hated it. We broke up. He lives in Alaska now. I hate Alaska but I can deal with Colorado. But most of it was just differences in what we wanted to do with our lives and the fact that he thought sitting around smoking pot all day was a great use of time… (and I’m the one who lives in Colorado, HaHa!)
Did you have a house in the dessert? How did you get there? Were there any stores that you could go to for groceries and stuff? How did you buy condoms and twizzlers and all the other stuff I’d definitely need if I were out there long term? Did you have phone? The internet? Did your parents know where you were? Did they worry about you?
More more
One of my first jobs out of college. We lived in an adobe house with a woodstove and we did bird research. I would practically get electrocuted every time I took a shower, so we had electricity but it was all wired wrong. The nearest decent grocery store was 100 miles away in Albuquerque. We had to hitchhike there because we had no car. We were promised a car we could use but it died. We had a phone but no internet because internet did not exist yet (Boom!) My parents knew where I was and I am sure they worried. Eventually (5 months in) my BF’s grandmother gave him $1200 so he could get a car. He got an old VW bus with lots of problems… I made curtains with flowers on them for the bus. We were hippies, kind of… I made homemade bread with 3 rises (before I knew I was gluten intolerant) I was bored out of my skull. And lonely. It kind of really sucked. Definitely taught me that I did not want to live way out in the country like I had thought. God just writing about this makes me feel depressed! Moving to a big city in the northwest (with a job waiting for me!) felt like LIBERATION!!!!!
And see… I thought I would LOVE it! I was so excited! Sometimes you just don’t really know…
And Wendy wasn’t even BORN yet, probably, or she would have told me not to move there because a girl from the suburbs of a big northeastern city, just would not THRIVE there! Or she would have at least told me to think through what it would really be like to be on our own without the rest of our college buddies…and our favorite place to get pitchers, and good restaurants that weren’t 100 miles away… But it sounded like the bestest hippie scientific researcher romantic dream at the time….
i love Susie J. so hard.
my rule of thumb is i could never live somewhere that didn’t have trick or treat’rs. I mean, how depressing would it be if Halloween rolled around and there were no kids trick or treating in sight? soda pressing.
did any of the people that gave you rides to the grocer store turn out to be crazies?
wait, you probably didn’t even have a tv out there. BRUTAL.
but were did you get your pot? Did you grow it yourself?
Nope, there weren’t any trick or treaters. We had an old black and white (!) TV in the spare bedroom and we would watch old (OLD!) Dr. Who reruns. Yep, met lots of crazies… and I do not remember where BF got his pot, just that we seemed to have a steady stream of visitors (friends from college) because they thought we were livin’ the DREAM!!! I think he must have gotten it from them. OR from our employer… who was an old grizzled hippie in his 40’s…
I grew up from age 9 and up in a place with no trick or treaters.
Where I live now there are no trick or treaters.
I just neighborhood-crashed and went trick or treating elsewhere.
Oh, jeez. How pretentious. You know why the majority of northerners live in the North and southerners live in the South? Because that’s where they were born. That’s it. FFS.
Don’t be a douche, dude. No one cares how superior you feel.
If neither one is willing to compromise on location then what is there to talk about? Move along.
Besides, I find it curious that your relationship only started after you moved away and not when you were right at hand..
So, he’s putting career before you, and you’re putting weather before him? I’m mostly kidding, but I think in these situations people fail to realize that they are in the same boat. Look, if you won’t move and he won’t move, then there’s nothing you can do about that. The end. It’s not about how much you love someone. It means that possibly your futures don’t align, and that’s OK. It happens.
I’m always surprised when people think loving someone means giving everything up for them. Sometimes you love yourself more than you love them, and that’s okay. He might still love you a lot, but not be willing to change his life for you. You’ll both be happier in your respective towns, so move on.
“Sometimes you love yourself more than you love them, and that’s okay.”
Beautifully put.
Thanks I got it from Sex and the City the movie, haha.
your mom is from Sex and the City the movie
Boom!
Don’t move for him if you don’t want to, and certainly don’t pressure him to do something that you’re not willing to do yourself. The thing about relationships though, and especially long distance, is that they require flexibility. To succeed for the long term, it requires a connection strong enough to easily trump whatever sacrifices you would have to make for it. Unfortunately for many couples, the sacrifices required for long term success are very steep, and in other cases, the relationship isn’t strong enough. It’s hard to come out of long distance into a successful, same-location, long term relationship. Either the formula isn’t working for you two, or you’re being too close-minded.
Think seriously about if you would be willing to try out the new location, or if you’re certain it’s off the table. Your move is the only thing you can control here.
theattack, how is the baby in your belly? I saw the comments over the weekend – congrats!
(sowwy, twying hawd to spice it up!)
^ also that’s like a Bostonian with a lisp right there
Hahaha My baby is the most badass baby because it has the super power of being invisible. We joined our gametes in love under our shiny silver invisibility cloak.
I haven’t read what anyone else said so forgive me if I’m repeating.
LW, I know this situation. My ex and I met our senior year in college, had an amazing time together, graduated, and ended up apart. (Granted, we were only 2.5 hours apart, not an entire country, but it still works.) He wouldn’t settle where I am, and I couldn’t go to him. I love my job and my location, my apartment, being close to my family and friends. He was insistent that there’s no jobs for him here, and he was indecisive about whether he wanted to work or go to grad school, indecisive about too many things. Eventually he landed himself in a grad program yet again 2.5 hours from me. I started to think “wow he’ll go pretty much anywhere before he’ll come here, with me”. We were together for almost 4 years.
The toughest thing about my decision to break up was thinking about how great it would be if he’d just. come. here. The only thing “wrong” with our relationship was the distance. So it’s tough to leave an otherwise great and potentially life-long thing. But I had to be honest with myself and realistic. He wouldn’t settle anywhere, let alone in my city, so there wasn’t even the option for me to move to him. I spent three years waiting and hoping that he’d find a job here and everything would be perfect. I kept hoping *eventually* he’d realize he wanted to be with me and be WITH me, and he’d find a way to move here. Well that didn’t happen.
And it won’t happen for you either. If you guys are at a standoff and neither of you wants to move, you need to just get out now. Before you invest any more time or effort. If you’re not planning on changing your mind, you have to know that he’s not either. He may have previously said he’d move to you, but now doesn’t want to and you can’t make him. All you can do is move on. Break it off, spend time with friends and family, and try to meet someone who actually wants to be with you (like physically, in your presence). I’m sure your relationship is wonderful, I’m sure you love and care for each other immensely, have great communication, and are otherwise a perfect match. That’s how it felt with me and my ex, and it’s incredibly difficult to walk away from something like that. But you can’t stay apart forever. Eventually you’ll need more. And since it seems like neither of you cares enough to make the sacrifice, it’s time you recognize that and move on.
The first year I dated my beau, we both knew that I would be moving away to transfer colleges. He was insistent that he wouldn’t move, and I was insistent that I was going, so we both figured it’d be over after the first year. Turns out we didn’t end it there, though, and went into a long distance relationship for a year, with the intent being that he would save money and move to my new city. He saved as much as he could, which wasn’t much, and moved, and it’s been two years since.
And where are we now? In love, yes, happy together, yes, but not at all financially stable. Due to the move, he’s been unable to finish school, as well as a myriad of other issues I won’t go into. Employment here is hard to come by, especially if you haven’t had a recent work history in the area. We both like living in the city, but it’s expensive. And all of this puts a huge strain on the relationship. We fight over money more than anything else. While he maintains that he loves me, and that he wants to be with me, my beau has admitted that he wishes he hadn’t moved, or at least not as soon as he did.
So your guy is really not being unreasonable when he says ‘It’s not realistic.’ He might love you, but it’s important to have foresight and realize when something just isn’t going to work.
Why don’t you both pick somewhere you want to live (eventually) and make a plan to move there together?I feel like that is a great compromise and something to look forward to long-term.
If you aren’t willing to do that and neither is he, sadly I think that there is not really much room for this relationship to grow. Your boyfriend not wanting to move doesn’t mean he does not “love you enough”. As others have said love is the bare minimum you need for a relationship to be successful, and quite frankly its the easy part.
WEES.
On to other business: you guys, Wendy is out of the office today – we can do and say anything mwahahahahaha. I’ll start: cock, shit, balls! It’s so liberating! Ok now someone spill something scandalous or something that will start an awesome riot (or debate if you will)!!
LOUD NOISESSSSS
naked loud noisessss! (Just wanted to make it more scandalous)
Oh I got a good fight started: Katie, your mom sucks.
Sorry that was me downvoting you. I just wanted to make sure they actually worked and I wasn’t just dreaming them.
yea, well one thumb down right back to ya! grrr.
oh here’s a good one: hey, iwanna, your mom sucks.
(i’m so original today.)
ok, my mom was hilariously awkwardly texting jake last night about the superbowl. every joke she tried bombed. jake didnt even get some of them… lol
ok well now i like your mom.
hmm, how about this one:
AP: katie, does your face hurt?
Kate: no, why?
AP: because it’s killing me. bwahahaha.
(not as fun when i have to set myself up.)
come on people, help me stir some shit!
do you want to hear her jokes? first, she opened with “seahawks are on the menu tonight!” then there was silence for like, a while… and then she texts “did dinner burn??” and jake literally was like “did she mean to send this to me”? and then i explained it and then **crickets**
Oh are we being random? I want to be random.
Okay this is a weird thought, and there’s no point to it, but imma share it anyway. I don’t know if this is a weird thing to say when you’re in a (really happy) relationship, but I seriously feel like I’m okay no matter what. I really feel like even if Colin and I break up I will be fine and I will be so thankful and glad we got to spend so many awesome months together. Like I am in this relationship because it is so fun, but if it quits being fun I know I can walk away. And I will still be fine and happy. But my god is it fun right now.
Second thought, don’t be jealous, but I talked my immediately family into taking a 2 week vacation to Ireland and Scotland this summer. Bonus for me, I tricked my Dad into paying for me because I caught him after happy hour. Booya.
I’m sorry, did y’all miss the fact that I will be going to IRELAND and SCOTLAND?
That’s probably a healthy perspective. So I approve. (I say “probably” because I am not allowed to even pretend I know how to have a healthy relationship. I still think about my mean ex and that was ONE YEAR AGO and it lasted 5 seconds.)
Can I come to Ireland and Scotland for you? Tell your dad I will be your translator. (Shut up, I know, duh)
I thumb’d you down so your head wouldn’t get too big and float away.
Haha thank you for humbling me, I can be a real asshole sometimes. You can definitely come to Ireland with me. It’ll be great. I’m going to drink all of the beer and walk everywhere and be irish and it’s going to be GREAT. Although I will have to roofie myself to get on that flight, and I’ve started writing my will in preparation of the trip, but you know, small details.
Since neither of you will “give in” and move to the other person’s home town, what about the third option? Both of you can move to somewhere completely different. Pick a place that is a compromise on your climate ideals, a place that has job opportunities for both of your careers, and a place that provides opportunities to make new friends. And then save up and move to this random place since you two can’t seem to compromise otherwise. That way, neither of you will be by your friends and families or be in your climate of choice. But you will have proved your love for each other!
Wait, this isn’t the best idea??
I was being facetious, but it does basically come down to two choices at the end of the road: Either you two come to an agreement and someone moves eventually, or you end up calling it quits eventually. Either one of you not wanting to move doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, but there’s definitely other factors that go in to the choice to move. If you two can’t come to an agreement right now, perhaps table the discussion for a couple of months and re-visit it. Sometimes a bit of time can make a difference in our perspectives and feelings.
I’m sorry if my sentences seem so negative…
Fun fact, did you know “facetious” is the only word in the alphabet with all the vowels in alphabetical order?
Not uh! Abstemious does, too! I would pretend I’m just that intelligent, but really I just Google’d it.
Can I down-vote you now?
Gasp! Is that a real word? I’m so ashamed. Life was easier pre-Google to get away with statements like that.
actually this is good advice and advice i always like to give- why not move to any random place?? do itt!! it will be such an adventure!!
but i suspect the bottom line here is that the relationship just isnt as strong as either of them liked to fantasize that it was and no matter what physical location these two wont make the long haul. sad but… oh well.
DUDE! The downthumbs are back!?! This is what I’ve been praying and dreaming about for YEARS. (Or however long ago it was that they went away). Wendy, you’re an angel.
a day late and a dollar short, idiot. the thumb downs are so three days ago.
(the “idiot” was intended to start a riot. so go riot!)
Ohhhh I just found out you can change your thumb! I thumbs downed you, and then like 30 minutes later came back and thumbs uped you and the down is gone now!
Also, am I the only one excited about the pie chart?
Pie charts (and other charts) make me so happy.
My nephew and his wife have been together since college. But they made a point to choose graduate programs in the same cities, and transferred to other schools mid-degree to be in the same city… She is from the northeast, he is from the southeast. They were in various cities in the northeast getting doctorates, postdocs, etc. and some cities they liked more than others obviously, but they were together!.. She chose a profession that is easily transferrable to any city. Now they are back in the southeast in his hometown near his parents so they can have babies with family around. They both got good jobs. This can be done, but obviously both need to be able to compromise and do the give and take, and if neither can, MOA already.
My husband sometimes talks about moving in a few years and I keep saying no way but the truth is, I would follow him anywhere and make it work. I’d rather live in Siberia with him than in Hawaii without him.
Guys, remember that time Wendy went on vacation and we went NUTS in the comment section? Yea me neither…
I kind of read this differently than some of the other commenters. Obviously there is an impasse here, but the LW mentions the climate difference at least 3 times in a negative manner. Not everyone wants to live in a cold climate, and maybe your boyfriend doesn’t like that cold that much, but you are focusing just on yourself, how its going to inconvenience you, how much you don’t like the cold, and you barely mention that one of you would have to move away from their family and friends.
Honestly, this letter comes off as really one sided to me. You say that its hopeless if he doesn’t “invest” in the relationship by moving out to your state, but how is that any different than you not wanting to move to his? He is thinking realistically, from the way I’m reading this, about his financial situation, and I can’t imagine you, the LW, is swimming in money while attending grad school. Yes, grad school does make you have more of a permanent reason to stay where you are, but really only temporarily.
Why the rush? Focus on school for a bit and let things simmer down. Maybe there’s an alternative in moving to a more centrally located town that suits both of you.
WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING ME – I AM TRYING TO STIR THE POT FOR CRYING OUTLOUD
The only people that should get married are people that can afford to have a 5 course dinner at their reception.
There. That should do it.
eh, i’m not in the mood anymore. i lost the edge. back to work i go.
you people and your “oh oh oh let’s stay on topic” ways. hmph.
That’s okay – one of the courses can be Ramen, right?
Is it a copper pot? 😉
There, I am not in the mood to debate or go off topic anymore. Is everyone happy? I’m going back to work. So you can just continue giving good advice and being all cordial all day. And to show you how serious I am, I am taking a DW hiatus and I am not coming back to comment ever – well for the next One HOUR starting…. now. How you’ll live for the next one hour is beyond me!
No, starting NOW.
you didnt even laugh at my mom’s jokes…. its like i dont even know you anymore.
I laughed so hard I fell out of my chair but I still had the mouse in my hand, causing it to yank out of the computer so I couldn’t reply. Phew, saved!
Your breath smells like a bowl of Ogre farts
Your mom WHAT?! Gross, can’t believe you’d talk about your mom like that.
How dare you, my mom has lost her breath in a sneezing accident in 94.
Ah yes, the 1994 sneezing accident! How could I forget the time your mom was blowing mr mid when she suddenly became allergic to his Canadian bacon
we were all very sad to hear the news.
(i dunno – i blame wendy for being gone on a day i am bored. she needs to supervise us better)
Pretty sure you just called my mom a pedophile!
Oops you’re right. In 1994, mr mid was probably … 4. Damn.
bahaha, how did I miss this earlier, and I was 5
You say your boyfriend cares more about jobs and money than he does about your relationship, but it also seems like you care more about being in your hometown close to friends and family than you do about the relationship. And that’s okay. Those are both fine priorities to have. But you both need to own up to your priorities being what they are, and evaluate whether your relationship is going to work in light of those priorities. I suspect that it will not. But in the long run, ending this relationship now will allow you to find someone whose priorities match up with yours, and him to find someone whose priorities match up with his.
YOU GUYS, Wendy just called from vacation to say I am in charge and everyone has to do what I say. Here’s what I say – everyone has to respond with the following:
1. Your funniest sex story.
2. What you hate the most about your significant other.
3. How many glasses of wine (or whatever) you drink a day (because I’m really really worried I’m an alcoholic).
4. A story about that time you stole something.
5. How many of your kids you are going to name after me.
GGuy is f-ing loud in the morning and it drives me bonkers. He jumps out of bed and starts singing loudly. Some days I want to punch him.
1. The only funny sex story I can think of is when GGuy threw me off of the bed by accident (he thought there was more space than there was).
3. We’re trying to not drink on week days, so maybe 1 or 2 (only for the last month though). Sat/Sunday it’s more like 5.
4. I stole earrings from Macy’s in college because I thought I was cool. It was so dumb. I accidentally walked out of the Gap over Christmas with an unpaid for shirt. I ran back to the store as soon as I realized and paid. Cashier thought I was bonkers.
5. Zero. We have too many other names on the table already!
Ouch re: #5! 🙂
I just replied to all of these, but accidentally hit the BACK button and they all got deleted. Sorry 🙁
Yo, good news, I have a solution: re-type your answers, bitch. (Sorry, i’m deep into Breaking Bad and I’m in love with how Jesse calls everyone “bitch” and “yo.”)
1. I had stuff end up in my eye and then I fell off the bed.
2. His messiness level.
3. Less than one, but it’s because my stomach hates me.
4. One time I went shopping at Target and I realized when I got to the car that I never paid for my ice cream! It was just sitting under all of my bags unpaid for! Oops. But, it was so packed the thought of going back in made me want to cry. So I never paid for it! I still think about that mint chocolate chip ice cream!
5. I can name a future pet after you?
So, did all the things in #1 happen together, like did the stuff that ended up in your eye knock you off the bed? If so that’s some powerful stuff.
it was more like chain reaction, stuff in eye, react to stuff in eye, eye hurts, try to find something to wipe eye off with, end up falling off of bed.
Ok, I’ll try this again:
1. One time while my roommate was doing it on the couch she dialed her phone card for our other roommate while still doing it (Remember phone cards?!?!)
2. He’s almost *too* laid back.
3. Wine- 2-3. Beers 1-2. I’m trying not to drink during the week right now though, cause I was getting chunky.
4. Accidentally stole nails from Home Depot once. They were under lumber and we missed them when checking out.
5. Probably all of this kids will be named Addie. or Pray. Maybe Mantis as a take on Pray? Praying Mantis?
Whoops, sowwy I called you a bitch (though lovingly) above – just saw this. Your answer to #5 is the best answer ever.
I don’t like how Navy Guy is so blunt. For example, on Saturday when he was here we were cuddling and talking and all of a sudden he’s just like “ok, time to go now”. Just kind of killed the moment.
1. The time I was on top and accidentally punched P right in the face. He was very red but didn’t have a black eye, thank god!
2. Hate is a strong word, and it’s not him – just one of his habits. I hate when he clearly spaces out when I’m talking and then whenever I stop he suddenly starts passionately discussing something completely different, making it evident he was thinking about that the whole time instead. I also hate that he falls asleep on the floor every night while I’m reading to him, and when I stop reading he gets pissed that I stopped and wants me to reread everything to him.
3. I don’t drink every day, but that sounds nice. Only about once or twice a week.
4. I’ve never told anyone because I’m so ashamed, but when was 13 I stole a pair of purple-lensed sunglasses and a leopard printed makeup bag from Walmart. I later used that makeup bag to store weed. Haha
5. I’m naming all of my kids after demons, so you might have a shot, AP. Harharhar just kidding.
Re #2, why do you read to him? Or, what are you reading to him? Story time? That kind of sounds fun. I wish someone read to me at night.
Re #5, touchee, my friend, touchee.
We occasionally read books or series together. We used to do it with two separate books and just keep pace with each other, but this go around we’re reading the Harry Potter series and just taking turns reading chapters out loud. It’s an awesome way to multi-task and brings my dream of reading while doing chores to life. It’s my favorite thing ever right now.
Ps I don’t think you’re a demon, AND I’m only naming one of my children after a demon anyway.
that is cute.
but won’t reading Harry Potter out loud take 12 years?
Not really. We started right before Christmas, and we’re almost finished with Book 5.
Also a big middle finger to everyone posting that article on Facebook right now with a spoiler in the title. Seriously, nothing is sacred.
what facebook article?
and come on, its like, years old now. the last movie is even years old! that is free game now.
No, spoilers are never okay!
yeah how have you not seen spoilers for that before now? that is impressive!
I actually had, but my husband hadn’t. Some asshole told me basically the entire ending to the series about three months after the last book. It felt like he crushed my entire childhood. I still think it’s jerkish now though. It’s not like you’re somehow supposed to read a book within just a few months or something, ya know?
Three months…spoiler alerts necessary…years later? Not reasonable.
1. I couldn’t think of any at first, but now I’m thinking of a bunch of moments that weren’t so much FUNNY, but random? I probably told them all already 😉
2. HMM probably his sense of time? He is the kind of person for whom 5 minutes & 5 hours is essentially the same thing. Also, I kind of hate his sleeping habits, even though they’re not TOO bad when he’s with me… but he still is weird about getting ready for bed, then going to bed? Example, since I know that’s not very clear: He’ll be sleepy, & I’ll say, “let’s go to bed” but he will be like, “but I’m not READY TO GET READY for bed; let’s just nap on the futon.” How does that make sense, AP? HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE. I DON’T WANT TO “TAKE A NAP” AT 10 O’CLOCK, I JUST WANT TO GO TO BED. SLEEP HYGIENE. (Ugh, & his alarm habits in the morning, I’ve discussed on here before. But the snooze button, sooo many times)
Also (I know this is more than one thing, but it’s just general annoyances & I tend not to bitch about Fabello on here, so I’ll just let it all out)… he doesn’t introduce people into the conversation, when he’s talking? (Is that the right way of phrasing it?) He’ll just be like… “so, FirstName LastName…” & I have to ask WHO that is (if it’s a coworker, or whatever). Or, last week, he texts me like, “We might have a wake to go to.” I text back— “whose?” & he gives me the first & last name of somebody I’ve NEVER heard of. So I go, “yeah, I have NO CLUE WHO THAT IS” & he’s like, “oh, my dad’s friend.” Could you not have just said “my dad’s friend, FirstName?” in the original text? ahhhh. These things are endearing mostly, but sometimes I’m driven mad by them.
3. I guess I drink… 2-3 glasses of wine at a time, when I drink? Which honestly right now is like 4-5 times a week, although I try to keep it in balance (& want to cut back on the during-the-week drinking)
4. haha I was a shoplifter as a teen (can this be a deleted thread?) I stopped when I got caught, annnnnd that’s all I’ll say about that…
5. Your name is super pretty, & since (like I said on the thread the other day) I don’t have any desired girl names in my mind… 😉
1. I never bang and tell, but it involves a church and a tree house.
2. He has youngest child syndrome (which I do too, but I can only handle one per relationship, so it has to be me) and an overbearing italian mom.
3. I pretty much have 1-3 beers every night after work. I’m trying to cut back starting (oddly enough) today because I’m kind of sad and stressed and depressed lately, and I know alcohol doesn’t help that.
4. I woke up one morning after binge drinking in college and there was a glaad (glade?) plug in in my purse. My friend confirmed that I stole it from the house party we were at the night before.
5. Sorry friend.
For some reason your Glade plugin story reminded me of a non-retail item I tried to steal— I was in high school cutting class by going to my friend’s band practice, & there was a flute in the band room that appeared to belong to no one, so I took it in order to better look like I was supposed to be in band (WHAT THE FUCK) Like 20 minutes later, the teacher makes an announcement that somebody lost their flute, so I had to be like, “Oh… I found this one…? over here? Def not in my hands, definitely just laying about randomly.” Ahhh so terrible
BAHAHAHAAA! I love that. I originally saw “band practice” and thought you meant like guitars and drums and stuff because you were skipping class. Then I realized it was concert band! Yay!! As a band teacher I totally approve of skipping class for band things. 😉 Because you know, I’m a grown up band nerd who will never outgrow being a band nerd…which is the best part of my job in my opinion. (PS if you want I could totally teach you how to play flute!)
1. Your funniest sex story. – is farting while going down on a girl funny? Because I thought it was.
2. What you hate the most about your significant other.- I don’t hate anything!
3. How many glasses of wine (or whatever) you drink a day (because I’m really really worried I’m an alcoholic). none during the week, but a couple a night on weekends.
4. A story about that time you stole something. Stole dirty magazines from a gas station.
5. How many of your kids you are going to name after me. 11
1. It would have been a lot funnier if SHE had farted while you were face down in her crotch. Hahahaha – god she would have been MORTIFIED.
2. Liar. I know you hate that one thing that you know that I know that you hate. Spill it already.
3. NOTHING during the week? But, like. Hmm. But so how does that work?
4. Last week?
5. Perfect answer.
2. no way jose.
3. I’m too fat right now to drink during the week so I save all of my calories for food :o(
4. Yesterday. Need them to MB, the wife has a broken V.
re #1 – only if she does it.
1. I can’t really think of a good one. Once we bonked my head on the wall when we were going at it, and then couldn’t stop giggling for the rest of the time, but that doesn’t really sound funny to a third party.
2. Sharing a bathroom.
3. I probably have 2-3 beers on one or two weeknights, and more than that at least one weekend. It varies a lot though.
4. Is it stealing to lie to Whole Foods about what kind of rice you bought from the bulk section?
5. No kids, but if you’re really, really nice maybe a pet someday.
1. The time when during it she said the line (from 40 Year Old Virgin) “Awww, yeah, you’re nailin’ me! Cool!” which made me laugh too hard to finish, or possibly the time when our friends were supposedly hiking but came back too soon and caught us in my buddy’s VW Microbus (“We were just…. uhhh… having a nap?”)
2. That douchebag she’s married to.
3. None, but don’t ask me how many pots I’ve smoken.
4. Note: accidents aren’t stealing, people. Not like when my friend and I used to steal tapes we couldn’t afford. That was wrong.
5. If I ever have a kid, I’m going to give her/him to you, Addie, and YOU can name her after yourself.
1. The dog of the girl I was hooking up with after the bar burst into the room and started growling at me. Then when I tried to put it in her, it wouldn’t fit, then she pulled out the biggest bottle of lube I’ve ever seen and said “this isn’t the first time.”
2. I don’t have a significant other, but when I do, she probably has too many shoes.
3. I maybe have one beer every other day during the week and a few on one weekend night.
4. Is downloading movies and music still considered stealing?
5. Lets see, there’s going to be AP Beta, AP 1.0, AP 2.0, AP 3.0, and probably and AP 2000.
1. We generally end up cracking up during every sex session. The funniest – I had never queefed before, and I had an uncontrollable spurt of queefing, and it was ridiculous and terrible.
2. Hate? Her predilection for staying up far too late.
3. None. I drink maybe once a month, and it’ll be about one or two at a time.
4. One time I was in Ocean City, MD, I stole a TON of stuff from the stores – necklaces, other shitty jewelry. Nothing large, but at least 10 things. Also when I went to Disney World as a kid I stole beads from the Pirates of the Caribbean store, but my mom caught me, so I had to give them back, but I didn’t give them all back.
5. Gf has first claim to girls name, and we’ve already picked out a boy’s name.
You are immature.There are only a few occasions that the phrase “If he loved me he would……” is acceptable…And wanting him to make all the effort and sacrifices in your relationship while you sit on your ass and do nothing about it,is not acceptable.If you don’t want to move to his town and he does not want to move in your town,and neither of you can compromise on moving somewhere else entirely,then break it off.
Oh at first I thought this was in reply to me. I thought “ouch, but true.” Haha.
Nooo I have no reason to call you immature.You do a great job with keeping the comments alive,the whole idea about the five questions is amazing.I will not post my response about it,but it made me remember truly hilarious moments of my life.
It just sometimes get in my nerves to see so many women and men use the phrase “if he/she loved me then he/she would do/do not…..” (fill in the blank with whatever they feel entitled to have.It is one thing for someone to say,for example, “If she/he loved me ,she/he would not beat me up” ,or “If she/he loved me,she/ he would not cheat at first opportunity” etc, and it is entirely different to say “if he/she loved me,he/she would bring me the stars and the moon and cater to my every demand”.
Even people close to me used this phrase a lot regarding my latest boyfriend of 1.5 year.”If he loves you he will give up everything for you,drop out of school and get a job to support you” (I don’t want him to) , “If he loves you why has he not proposed yet?” (because he knows that I am against marriage for the time beeing), “If he loves you why does he not buy you more expensive gifts?” (because I asked him not to,knowing that I might misplace or break anything), “If he loves you he will be really jealous whenever someone as much as glances your way” (he knows to trust me and not get jealous at nothing)…It is sickening really,all those demands and expectations we have just to make someone prove that they love us.
1. Isn’t sex always a little funny when you really think about it?
2. My husband is a space cadet and loses things easily. Like my ski poles that he borrowed!
3. I don’t drink any alcohol (I know, BORING!). 1 cup of green tea in the AM.
4. Never stole anything. ( I know, BORING!)
5. No more kids for me. So zero.
Alright, you guys were good at following Wendy’s order that you do what I say. Now, for the next item of business, Wendy asked me to order you to post naked pictures of yourself here. Feel free to use photobucket.com – it’s very easy. Gotta do it, Wendy said.
If you saw all of me at once, it would burn you to a cinder.
1. When my dog started licking his toes like a week ago while we were getting down. I thought it was hilarious, but alas he did not.
2. He is weirdly uncompromising about certain things and it bugs me (like he for some reason MUST watch his TV shows in prime time, to the exclusion of doing other things) it’s like he is a 77 year old woman trapped into a 30 year old’s body when it comes to his “shows”.
3. If I drink on the weeknights it will be 3 glass or so, although I try to not buy booze during the week and limit it to weekends. Doesn’t always happen that way though.
4. I sometimes steal things when I am drunk and wake up and am all like WTF? Once while overseas I stole these 3 huge lemons like the size of my face, from a restaurant and woke up with them in my bed the next day and just had no idea how they got there.
5. I already have too many names picked out to add another.
If neither of you is willing to move, call it off. Nothing can be done and the relationship will always be long distance. Simple and easy.