Quickies: “People Keep Bugging Us To Have Kids”
The next time your mother-in-law or some other nosy family member bugs you about having kids, say to them, “Oh, but we spend so much of our time having hot, passionate sex I don’t know how we could possibly squeeze a baby into our schedule right now!” That ought to shut them up.
The best time to broach the topic of exclusivity/making the relationship official is when you’re ready to be exclusive. Obviously, any time before that is too soon, and any time after, you risk losing the lady to someone else. Saying something now — if you’re ready — could make for a special Valentine’s Day later, so I say go for it.
There are a couple of options that I can think of: go by his house; or call his dad or best friend and see if they’ve seen or heard from him. But there are a few issues there. Due to financial reasons, he had to move back in with his family, and it’s pretty chaotic there, and his guard dogs make it to where I can’t even go up to his house, so neither of us like my going there by myself. And, I don’t like the idea at all of going through someone else to get to him, especially when I don’t know either of them well enough to use them as middlemen.
I’m just worried that either something happened to him (I’ve even been watching the news to make sure his name doesn’t come up), or that he could get in touch with me if he wanted, but he’s choosing not to, and this is just his way of breaking up with me, even though I never thought he’d be that type of guy. So what do you think? Should I wait it out again and see what he has to say, find a way to get to him, or just MOA since two weeks is long enough to wait? And if I do wait it out, how long is long enough do you think? — Unsure Girlfriend
MOA, MOA! Everything about this situation sounds so sketchy (like, when you say he moved back in with his family, do you mean his wife and kids, because that would certainly explain things.). Move on and find a guy who has a phone and a home you aren’t afraid to approach.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected].
@Unsure – there is NO WAY this guy doesn’t have access to phone at all. This is not the 1800s. Doesn’t his family at least have a HOUSE phone?? Plus, you don’t know his father or his best friend at all and you’re 10 months into a relationship? If you’re 10 months in and have no way of getting a hold of him in an emergency other than Facebook AND you haven’t really met his family or friends, it is definitely a MOA situation.
My thoughts exactly! “Unexpected vacation”, my ass. Who the hell DOES that? Oh, a sketchy sleazeball, that’s who. You know, I’ve quoted Chris Rock on situations like this before, and I’ll say it again: “If you’ve been dating a man for four months, and you haven’t met any of his friends, YOU ARE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND.” In this case, it’s been 10 MONTHS, and I can’t believe you’re buying into this load of crap. Stop wasting your time, because I’ll bet you dollars to donuts this guy’s married or in a serious relationship–with someone who’s NOT you. While you’re at it, call the fire department, because this guy’s pants are ablaze.
Sounds like she is his booty “call”
LW1 sounds like she wants some real help and advice, not a punchline. I hope you won’t descend to that too often; too many advice columnists do, using genuine questions from readers to show off their humor. Now that you’ve gotten in your line, how about running this again with advice? It’s a pretty common problem.
I am in the same situation of LW1. Here is what I have learned to tell me “Thank you for your concern, but I feel that that is a personal question. In the future you might want to be careful to ask something like that because you can never know if a couple is having fertility problems.” Most people are asking it out of general interest but it is still highly inappropriate.
LW1: You’re 23. You have plenty of time to have a baby. Ignore the noise, and try not to let it get you down or let anyone make you feel bad for your choices. It’s you and your husband’s business, not theirs.
I will forewarn you, though: when you do have a child, it won’t be long afterward until you get the “when will you have another baby?” spiel. My husband and I are getting that now. I have a 6-year-old from my first marriage, and have zero desire to have another baby (I’m 27); I want to finish college (which will be several years, as I plan on working toward a PhD). I’d prefer giving birth to a career. 🙂 The funny thing is, I’m not hearing the “when’s the next one?” jazz from family or close friends…it’s from acquaintances and people that don’t know me very well. Go figure.
As someone who is 27, married “long enough to have a baby” (according to everyone who has an opinion on it), and is working on a PhD, all the “it’s not a good time” responses about having babies just lead to “well, it’s never a good time to have a baby.” Duh. It’s also always a good time to mind one’s business.
Close family and friends need to respect privacy just as much as strangers, so I’ve got to agree with Wendy’s advice… or at least saying something along those lines. You can always pull the “Is it really time for babies already? I feel like we’re just newlyweds still!”
Dear Unsure:
He has a phone, he just doesn’t want you to have the number because his wife would probably answer it if you called.
By “moved back in with his family” he means with his wife and kids.
He isn’t worried about your safety from viscious attack dogs, he’s worried about his safety if his wife ever spotted you snooping around the place.
He didn’t jet off to a last minute family vacation, he started feeling intense regret over this affair and tried to quit cold turkey but got a jonesin for you 10 days later and fell off the wagon.
He is trying again to quit you. You can keep waiting for him now, because if experience is any teacher, he will fall off the wagon again and come running back, but he will most likely never leave his wife and you will remain the other woman until he finds a more exciting other woman.
XOXOX,
Reality
LW1: I’ve been there. I also married fairly young (22), and I’ve tried the jokey replies, the MYOB replies, and the “maybe in a few years” answer. After 14 years my husband and I still do not have children, and the older I’ve gotten, the more convinced I’ve become that I don’t actually want any. I have no maternal stirrings at all. The questions still come, although not as much as before. There’s no answer that will really satisfy anyone’s nosy curiosity, so just try to be polite and gracious (and then quickly change the subject). Most importantly, do what’s right for you in your own time.
LW1 It’s great that you can spend this time together as a couple. Once you have kids nothing is ever as easy. Kids are wonderful but they are also a stress on marriage so you definitely shouldn’t have them until you are ready.
As for the suggestions I really don’t know how to shut people up. After the first child is born everyone starts asking when you’re having another. After we had our second they did quit asking. I guess they assume you’re done.
Maybe if you told her you’ve decided to have a child in ten years that would shut her up.
LW3- I’m not going to speculate whether or not he’s married or truly has guard dogs (because for all I know, you could have been to his house and seen the dogs several times). All I DO know is that he has NO excuse for not getting in touch with you. I mean, you can make phone calls from the internet nowadays. Since he’s done this before, don’t waste your time worrying about his well being. MOA and don’t look back.
Childless by choice – here’s my advice: I think you should take your mother-in-law / coworker / friend – whomever is pressuring you about children – and tell them the truth. Tell then in all seriousness that the questions and comments make you uncomfortable and to please stop. I think most people make comments like that out of a combination of love and ignorance. Love b/c they love you and they love kids and they think you’ll be a great mom and so naturally they’re excited for you to have children. And ignorance of course b/c maybe they don’t know what it’s like to want to wait or to not want kids (ever or right away) or to not be able to have kids. Confession: I used to ask a friend all the time when she was going to have kids…. Found out later that she had been trying for years but couldn’t and had even had a miscarriage. So every time I asked it was a contant reminder that she should have kids but couldn’t….. All this to say, sometimes people just ask because they’re dumb (like I was). One candid conversation helped me grow up – I bet it will help those around you too. Now, if they keep it up, then they’re just heartless.
Great advice! I like this much better than Wendy’s, and I think it is truly the best way to deal with this. If she wants to keep the details private, all she has to say is that it makes her uncomfortable.
But the CBC says in her letter that she has already explained her/their reasons for waiting. Absolutely, it’s great to have a candid conversation, but if those conversations yield the same results over and over, then obviously a different tactic — like saying something that makes the OTHER person uncomfortable for a change — is necessary.
I think there’s a joke that goes something along the lines of, “I hated how, when I first got married, everyone would come up to me, poke my belly, and say, ‘You’re next! You’re next! When are you guys going to have a baby!” They stopped doing that once I started doing it to them at funerals.”
I obviously overlooked the part where Childless by Choice says she has tried talking to them… In my defense, it was late, and I was tipsy. That’s also my excuse for the typos. Ok, Childless, maybe try a candid convesation one more time, then go Wendy’s route.
Lw1: I get the when are you getting married question from everyone and I talked with a friend who recently got married at 22. She says her response is “6 months ago I wasn’t old enough to get married but now I am old enough to be a parent.” Personally I like it because it shows the double standard that is placed on young couples. Everyone should back off and live their own lives. I also tell people I will have kids in approximately 37 years. It gets them off your back.
LW#1, don’t even bother with addressing why you don’t want to have kids yet. It seems to make people think that they are allowed to judge your reasons, and they will counter them with arguments or insults. Just try to brush it off and change the conversation, but seem as un-irritated and not-annoyed as humanly possible. “Oh, maybe soon, but don’t worry you’ll be the first to know when it happens!”. “oh, as soon as things settle down a bit, we’ll start figuring things out!” It doesn’t matter if it’s not the truth, because it isn’t anybody’s business.
LW1:
I have actually gotten into full blown arguments with family members over the fact that I refuse to have children. Now when anyone asks when me and DH are going to try for kids I politely say “My uterus is not a storage unit, and will remain that way.”