Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “Should I Get Back With My Ex?”

Two quickies, one column this morning. Read on:

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up five years ago because of infidelity, lies, and immaturity (we were college sweethearts). Plus, he left for the Air Force and asked me to wait for him, just for him to come back and tell me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He recently found me on Facebook and we’ve been talking since. He says he’s a “changed man,” and I do see a lot of maturity. He wants to try “us” out again and says that he never stopped loving me. I must admit, I never stopped loving him either. The problem now is, his ex is 5 months pregnant. He claims he wants nothing to do with her and has vowed that he will be there for the baby and that’s it. (They broke up when she was three months pregnant, two months before we reconnected).

I want to believe him, but the fact that he cheated on me when we were younger doesn’t really let me trust him. Also, I’m worried as to how he’ll react when the baby is born, like if he will change, start interacting more with his ex on another level rather than just co-parenting, etc. Should I give him another chance? — Natural Pessimist

Nope. I mean, sometimes people can reconnect after years apart and reignite a healthy and happy relationship, but I don’t see that happening here. It sounds like there’s still unresolved anger and bitterness on your part over the way your ex treated you five years ago, and you say can’t really trust him. Plus, I don’t consider a guy abandoning a girlfriend who is three months pregnant, vowing to have nothing to do with her other than co-parenting their child once it’s born, and then almost immediately reaching out to an ex-girlfriend he cheated on and lied to and abandoned years earlier the picture of maturity or emotional evolution. He sounds like a hot mess, to be honest, and someone who’s looking for a distraction from the responsibilities and challenges he’s created for himself. MOA and leave this guy in the past where he belongs.

 

I’ve been in a gay relationship for two years (it’s my first gay relationship and it’s also my longest relationship) and I love my boyfriend very much. He’s my best friend, we basically live together, and we do everything together including exciting adrenaline-filled trips that no one else will do with us. He takes care of me and I take care of him and, for the most part, everything is perfect. But for the past few months now he has been a real turn-off.

My boyfriend has become really feminine and I’m uncomfortable with it. (There’s nothing wrong with feminine guys; I’m just attracted to masculine men). He isn’t wearing make-up, but he dances like a girl, moves like a girl, poses in pictures like a girl, and wears clothes that scream “gay,” just to name a few things. I’m losing my attraction towards him and it sucks. I don’t want to break up with him because I do love him, but how can I be in a relationship with someone whom I’m no longer attracted to? He knows how I feel and doesn’t care, even going out of his way to make me mad on purpose by acting overly feminine. I want him to be himself, but, if this is truly how he is, I don’t think I can stay around too much longer. What should I do? — Not Into Femme Guys

If you’re no longer attracted to your boyfriend and he’s shown no interest in making himself more attractive to you — apparently going out of his way to “act overly feminine” to “make you mad” — then I don’t see how or why you should stay with him. It is curious though that this identity seems to have taken hold since you two started dating. Was he at all femme before? Has this been a natural, if fast, progression through the two years you’ve been together, or does it seem he’s done a 180? Regardless, I really doubt he’s embraced this more feminine identity/appearance just to bug you. More likely, he is either “trying it on,” or coming to the realization that this identity feels authentic to him. If he’s acting like he doesn’t care how you feel, that may be a defense mechanism as he processes the idea that the man he loves doesn’t love the identity he feels is his true self.

At any rate, you need to sit down and talk with him about whether his recent femme identity is one he feels truly represents him. Withhold your judgment, but do be honest that the aesthetic is not one you’re attracted to and, while you support him being himself, it may mean that the two of you are better off as friends than romantic partners.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

17 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Unwanted_Truth June 4, 2015, 8:06 am

    NO! End of story. Continue on with your life, you don’t need this drama. I don’t see the maturity in what he has done, especially with his ex being pregnant, and the situation he has left her to deal with , presumably alone, at least until the baby is born.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Unwanted_Truth June 4, 2015, 8:07 am

    LW 1* ^

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Sandy June 4, 2015, 8:39 am

    Have the link colours changed or is it my screen? They are harder to read now.

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 4, 2015, 8:42 am

      That was an accident. Working on changing them back.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Sandy June 4, 2015, 9:21 am

        Ok. Thank-you :).

        Link
  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy June 4, 2015, 8:45 am

    LW1: Nope nope nope. WWS. This guy sounds like a wreck. Stay far away.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Laura Hope June 4, 2015, 8:46 am

    LW1–a couple of questions…..Have you noticed a pattern in his behavior? How exactly has he matured? By leaving his pregnant girlfriend? And what did you expect Wendy to say….he’s a keeper?

    Reply Link
  • sobriquet

    sobriquet June 4, 2015, 9:18 am

    Loss of attraction could be the result of other factors, too, like just not feeling the relationship anymore. Often in the case of young relationships with inexperienced partners, communication is challenging to the point that every fight widdles away at the relationship until there’s not much left other than familiarity (and a whole lot of bitterness/resentment). At that point, you often start thinking ‘if only he would change this, or go back to this’ as a means to excuse your unhappiness. In a healthy, happy relationship, free of bitterness and resentment, your perspective concerning changes in your partner is much different. You might think that a drastic change in his masculinity is a cause of concern for him (is he going through an identity crisis? How can I help him?) rather than view it as a slight to you (he wasn’t femme before! I’m not attracted to him and he doesn’t care!). Regardless, the moment you start hoping your partner changes in some big way is the moment you should move on.

    Reply Link
  • Raccoon eyes

    Raccoon eyes June 4, 2015, 9:18 am

    Nothing screams “maturity” like saying you “want nothing to do with” the woman carrying your child. The “vow[ing] that he will be there for the baby and that’s it,” doesnt negate the first part. Like, at all.
    *
    I think it is safe to say that men waiting for a child of theirs to be born should be handled with extreme care. (Namely, not at all.)

    Reply Link
    • Raccoon eyes

      Raccoon eyes June 4, 2015, 9:20 am

      Huh, the above was supposed to be a reply to Laura Hope regarding LW 1. Oops

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      SpaceySteph June 4, 2015, 9:48 am

      Totally agree. I mean I’m not saying never date a guy who has a kid, but when you meet a guy who has a pregnant ex… how is that not a red flag? And to say he wants nothing to do with the women who is carrying his child? If he were an honorable man, he would be kind to her and offer his support to her during the pregnancy and the child’s life rather than ignore her and treat her like a fetus incubator. Ew.

      Reply Link
      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki June 4, 2015, 10:08 am

        Right? I mean, you don’t have to stay with someone just because they’re pregnant but being supportive before the baby is born is just as important as being present in the kid’s life later. But from the sounds of it, his ex may be better off without him around.

        Link
  • avatar

    joanna June 4, 2015, 12:45 pm

    Maybe this is a bit harsh of me but I don’t consider men who have someone pregnant with their child nor pregnant women to be available to date.

    Reply Link
  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine June 4, 2015, 4:31 pm

    You guys are being way harsh. I’m sure this guy truly loves the LW! Nothing shows maturity and a giving nature the way reconnecting with an ex while simultaneously abandoning the mother of your child does! She should start having unprotected sex with him IMMEDIATELY.

    FFS LW, grow a pair and kick this guy to the curb where he belongs.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    dinoceros June 4, 2015, 4:50 pm

    LW 1: I agree that your boyfriend’s actions do not portray maturity or integrity. I dated a guy whose ex was pregnant who claimed that he wanted nothing to do with her (he also claimed it wasn’t his, but that’s another story). Fast forward several months and they were back together. They’re married now. Aside from concerns about your boyfriend’s character, I think it’s really hard for a person to predict what their life will look like after their baby is born until the baby is born.

    LW2: I wonder if he just seems more feminine now that you’re less attracted to him. Sometimes we don’t notice certain traits or don’t find them annoying when we’re really into someone, but when we start to lose interest, those things become more apparent and more annoying. Regardless, I think the relationship has run its course. It’s not fair to ask him to change, and it sounds like this is a big deterrent for you.

    Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark June 4, 2015, 6:35 pm

    LW1) You are just a retro fantasy escape valve from the train wreck of his life.

    LW2) Give it up, you just aren’t into this guy much any more. And trust me — it’s only going to get worse and worse.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Schwinny June 5, 2015, 1:34 pm

    LW2: I can’t help but think your BF is trying to manipulate you into breaking up with him so he doesn’t have to do it himself.

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment