Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend Kicked Me Out at 4 in the Morning!”

Broken heart

I live on the West Coast and my boyfriend lives in the Midwest. We met online in April, meeting in person for the first time in May. He came to see me twice for 10 days and I went to visit him once. We have FaceTimed every night for about 1-2 hours. When I went out to see him, me into his circles, introduced me to his older kids, and I even met his ex-girlfriend.

Recently, I was invited to his son’s wedding and rehearsal dinner in Wisconsin. I flew in Wednesday and they had a nice BBQ at the beach club with family and friends. The next day we went over to his ex-wife’s house (he’s been divorced for 10 years) to pick up some of the out-of-town guests and show them around the city. The entire day my boyfriend treated me differently — more like a friend; he didn’t want to hold my hand or even walk with me. At one point he was introducing everyone in the group to a cousin and he skipped me. I could tell he was uncomfortable being around me with his family and his family friends.

That night when we got home, he asked me what I though about the day and I told him he wasn’t very kind to me. He blew up and questioned whether I considered that he was under a lot of stress. I said, “Yes, that is why I hadn’t brought it up.” We then went to bed, he woke up and went downstairs, and he came back to bed a few hours later. At 4:30, he woke me up and said, “This is uncomfortable, so I am just going to say it: I don’t want to be uncomfortable at my son’s rehearsal dinner or wedding. I don’t want you to go to the rehearsal dinner and I don’t want you coming to the wedding.”

I was in shock and just stared at him. Finally, I said, “Can I wait until it gets light and figure something out?” He said, “There’s a 7:30 flight out of here.” I got up, changed my flight, and packed up my things. Then he dropped me off at the airport saying, “Sorry things didn’t work out.”

After the wedding, he apologized for bringing me into a stressful situation. He said we were moving too fast. He also stated he suffers from depression and anxiety. Then he wanted to hear what I had to say to him. I told him, “You woke me up at 4:30 a.m., kicked me out of your house, and put me on a 9 1/2-hour flight home without even an explanation?” I told him I had nothing left to say, and, if he wanted to call in a week, maybe I could talk then. Three days later he texts me and asks if he can call later. I told him I wasn’t ready to talk and that he hurt me badly. He said he respected my feelings and wanted to share his feelings with me but not via text.

My question to you is: should I listen to him, give him another chance? He broke my trust, respect, and loyalty. I don’t know I can ever get that back. I will never be able to trust him. — Kicked out at 4 AM

Oh, hell no. Your boyfriend crossed so many lines that I don’t see how he could ever find his way back. He missed so many opportunities to make you comfortable, to integrate you into his life, and to show you there was a place for you in it. And he blew it in spectacular fashion. He showed you his true character. And it’s bad.

Please don’t give this guy another chance. He woke you up at 4 in the morning and kicked you out of his house. It would be one thing if he simply failed to introduce you to everyone — which he did — because he was “nervous,” but this was an act of aggression. Blowing up at you when you said he hadn’t been kind to you was an act of aggression. Don’t give him another chance to show how he can aim his aggression at you again. Just don’t. Depression and anxiety are no excuse to treat someone the way he treated you. Not only is he a bully — and he’s a bully — but he’s manipulative, too. Don’t let him manipulate you.

This was a 4 1/2-month relationship that ran its course. You won’t be the first woman to end a relationship after seeing the true colors of a man she was beginning to know and love, and you won’t be the last. There’s no shame at all in moving on when you discover what you’re really dealing with. The mistake would be to stick around and invest more time in a man who has shown you he isn’t worth the price of another plane ticket to visit.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

44 comments… add one
  • call-me-hobo

    call-me-hobo September 3, 2014, 8:44 am

    This guy is a dick, LW. Don’t let him use the, “Oooh, I’m a very complex person, that’s why I treated you so awful.” because it’s bullshit. He’s an adult, and he made the choice to kick you out of the house like some sort of dog. Your last line says that you don’t know if you can trust him again. THAT IS A GOOD INSTINCT. THAT IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE THINKING.
    .
    Fuck him, and his feelings. He should have thought about that earlier. Once again, he’s being a bully. You told him you’d be ready to talk in a week and he texted you after 3 days- everything has to be on his terms. Block his phone number and consider this a bullet dodged.

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    • call-me-hobo

      call-me-hobo September 3, 2014, 9:06 am

      ALSO- how much money did this asshole cost you? I’ve never had to switch a flight that late, but I’m assuming that it is a very pretty chunk of change to get a flight the morning of- not considering that he picked you a flight that was only 3 hours away from when he woke you (I don’t know about you, LW, but the general rule of thumb where I’m at is be at security at least 2 hrs before your flight)

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      • something random

        something random September 3, 2014, 12:01 pm

        Good point. The ONLY REASON she should talk to him is to see if he has any shame, and is willing to repay her for the flight. But even the its probably not a good idea as it might make him think a door is open.

        WWS.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. September 3, 2014, 2:53 pm

        I had a guy cost me $1000 once. I thought about trying to get him to pay it back, but then I decided to consider it money well spent to be rid of him.

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    • Amanda

      Amanda September 3, 2014, 9:38 am

      I’m not sure bullet is strong enough. Sounds more like she dodged a hand grenade.

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  • avatar

    ktfran September 3, 2014, 8:52 am

    I 100% agree with Wendy and Call-me-hobo! If it was JUST the acting weird with you around relatives things, I could see his point about being stressed. But he totally invalidated your feelings by yelling at you and kicking you out and sending you home. This kind of manipulative behavior is 100% emotional abuse. He was trying to make you feel bad when you rationally told him you were hurt. Not cool. Cut your losses and don’t return his calls.

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    • avatar

      ktfran September 3, 2014, 10:22 am

      Speaking of abusive relationships…. I just finished reading Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty (The Husband’s Secret, What Amelia Forgot) and it was a really good book. Really good.

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      • avatar

        csp September 3, 2014, 3:15 pm

        Oooh, I love good recommendations!

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      • avatar

        ktfran September 3, 2014, 4:28 pm

        Me too! I’ve been happy with all of her books so far.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie September 3, 2014, 8:32 pm

        She’s one of my new favorite authors… I’ve read The Husband’s Secret and A Hypnotist’s Love Story so far. Both are great.

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      • avatar

        ktfran September 4, 2014, 8:42 am

        Ooh, good to know about A Hypnotist’s Love Story. I was debating on that one. Ooh, and I was wrong, it was “What Alice Forgot,” not Amelia. I think I confused it with Reconstructing Amelia. I’ve read both. Anyway, Cassie, read Big Little Lies. It won’t disappoint. I promise.
        .
        I actually just reread the ending to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I stayed up until 1:00 a.m. Monday finishing it.

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    • avatar

      FancyPants September 3, 2014, 2:07 pm

      So manipulative. When she got to the part where he was texting her three days after she told him not to contact her for a week, I was practically yelling at my computer that he’s to even trying to pretend he’s not a self centred manipulator. If I were her, I wouldn’t even hear him out.

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  • Portia

    Portia September 3, 2014, 8:56 am

    Yeah, WWS. I see a lot of controlling behavior here, and after 4.5 months, that’s frightening. Anxiety and depression are no excuse for treating someone like he treated you. Don’t give him another chance to push you around like that again and thank your lucky stars you saw this side of him so early.

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  • avatar

    RedroverRedrover September 3, 2014, 9:02 am

    If he was just really nervous and didn’t think he could handle having you at the events, he could have just asked you not to go. You could have still stayed at his house (or hotel room, or wherever you were). Instead he booted your ass out! He went and researched flights to get you out of there as soon as possible. He couldn’t wait until you’d woken up even?

    That’s awful behaviour. You don’t treat anyone like that, let alone your supposed girlfriend. You’ve been with him for four months or so, but you’ve really only spent time together as a couple for a few weeks. I know you do Facetime all the time, but it’s easy to be on good behaviour for a couple of hours. You haven’t spent enough day-to-day time with him to see what he’s really like, and I think he’s started to show you now. Do you really want to be with someone who’s so disrespectful?

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  • avatar

    Married By Elvis September 3, 2014, 9:11 am

    What everyone said. Plus, you answered your own question. All you have to do is look at the last sentence of your letter. It’s all right there.

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  • rosie posie

    rosie posie September 3, 2014, 9:16 am

    On top of everything Wendy said I think this guy is a coward to boot. It strikes me that he was premeditative, ignoring her, failing to introduce her, knowing she didn’t know anyone and was uncomfortable. Then when he asked what she thought about the day and he immediately blew up at her you know he was just waiting for her to complain. This way he was able to put all the blame on her. It was all her fault. Any guy good guy who is nervous or uncomfortable in a setting like that would apologize for his behavior, not immediately blame the person he hurt.

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    • avatar

      Sally September 3, 2014, 10:41 am

      This occurred to me too, that he was setting her up to start a fight. Like, maybe he’d already started having doubts about the relationship or at least about inviting her to wedding, and instead of being a grown-up and saying so, he treated her badly enough to warrant her speaking up then turned it around on her. Suspicious.

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope September 3, 2014, 9:26 am

    At 4 and a half months into the relationship, he’s still on his best behavior. Just imagine 2 years from now. He’s a hot-head who can’t seem to control his stress/anger/frustration.

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  • Amanda

    Amanda September 3, 2014, 9:27 am

    Whoa whoa whoa whoa…if I’m reading this correctly, he got up at 4 am, woke you up at 4:30 and told you there was a 7:30 flight out of there? So this ass-monkey got up at 4 am TO LOOK UP FLIGHTS to send you back. Be glad he showed you who he is now. You dodged a bullet.

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    • call-me-hobo

      call-me-hobo September 3, 2014, 9:38 am

      You get extra thumbs up for introducing the phrase “ass-monkey” into my vocabulary

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      • Amanda

        Amanda September 3, 2014, 9:39 am

        Yay! I use it all the time. It fits a variety of situations.

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      • avatar

        Solitaryflame September 3, 2014, 11:27 am

        Ass monkey is good…in the Air Force we uses ass clown. Just thought I’d add that little tidbit. 🙂

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    • Eljay

      Eljay September 3, 2014, 9:38 am

      Preach.

      Oh, and ass-monkey made me giggle. 🙂

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle September 3, 2014, 6:45 pm

      I’m late to this, but yeah that’s was my first thought too. Like WHOA kicking her out wasn’t even an act of impulsive anger (<–still unforgiveable), it was cold, calculating dickhole-ish-ness. Like, he had a ready response to "let's wait 'til the morning" because he was fucking Googling flights. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, damn, damn

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  • avatar

    Penguingina September 3, 2014, 9:38 am

    I have depression and anxiety, too and I’m a NICE PERSON (or at least I try really hard to be!) so that’s not an excuse. He seems incredibly self centered. This isn’t a long relationship and the dread of ending it will probably be worse than whatever you feel afterwards. Break up today and by October you’ll probably feel fine. If you don’t break up, your relationship will always come secondary to himself for him. You’ve learned who he is, so leave now before wasting more time.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery September 3, 2014, 1:11 pm

      Yeah, me too. I don’t even know what depression and anxiety have to do with being a passive-aggressive and also aggressive toad. I don’t usually go out of my way to make people feel like shit, because that makes ME feel like shit. He was either lying about that part or using his conditions as an excuse, a la “sorry for looking at your boobs strange lady, I am socially awkward lol.” NOPE, YOU JUST NOPE RIGHT ON OUTTA HERE.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar September 3, 2014, 10:32 am

    Give him another chance to do what? Kick you out at 3 am next time? He has shown you who he is through his actions. Who cares what he SAYS – judge someone by what they DO. And since you know what type of man he is already – what is there left to hear? Yu haven’t done anything wrong in this situation – don’t start now. Tell him “sorry things didn’t work out” [ahem] and good luck to you in finding someone else who isn’t a jackass and actually knows how to treat another human being – much less one he purportedly cares about.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery September 3, 2014, 1:13 pm

      Next time, maybe he makes her tuck-n-roll out of the car on the way home from the movies!!

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      • FireStar

        FireStar September 3, 2014, 1:33 pm

        I thought of that too – maybe he just slows down at the airport drop off instead of coming to a full stop.

        After someone mistreats you and you go back – all you know for sure is they are capable of mistreating you and all they know for sure is that they can mistreat you again without consequence.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo September 3, 2014, 10:52 am

    Why is this even a question? When this guy asks to discuss his feelings, the response should be “who gives a fuck?” and then total eternal silence.

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    • avatar

      Lucy September 3, 2014, 11:05 am

      ALL THE THUMBS UP.

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    • Portia

      Portia September 3, 2014, 11:18 am

      This exactly.

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    • muchachaenlaventana

      muchachaenlaventana September 3, 2014, 11:32 am

      SERIOUSLY. If someone kicked me out of their house in WINSCONSIN at 4 AM and i Lived in fucking California like wtf. No I am never talking to that bag of dicks again, and neither should you.

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  • avatar

    stillrunning September 3, 2014, 10:57 am

    I feel like I’m reading a modern version of Northanger Abbey.
    He ignored you all day, woke you up at 4:30 and booted you out of his house. And now he’s trying to worm his way back into your life.
    He showed you exactly what he is. You can expect much, much more of this behavior if you let him in again.

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  • avatar

    j2 September 3, 2014, 10:58 am

    As bad as that was, you got lucky.

    You thought you knew him, but you learned that you did not. How a person deals with stress provides important insights into personality and character. People can be on best behavior or pretend to be other than what they are but – under stress – such pretenses are tougher to maintain.

    In other words, no matter what excuses he gives now, you know how he will likely behave in future situations where he feels stressed.

    MOA and don’t look back. In fact, smile and even sing a little. Heck, grab some friends and go someplace loud and dance! You dodged one — celebrate!

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  • avatar

    Lucy September 3, 2014, 11:04 am

    Now you know why he’s single. He should stay that way. Probably forever.

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  • Crochet.Ninja

    Crochet.Ninja September 3, 2014, 10:09 am

    who are you people, that someone treats you like crap, and you wonder if you should go back?! nonononono. find someone else, this guy is a dick.

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    • Ika

      Ika September 3, 2014, 10:29 am

      Yeah, between this letter and the forum where the guy lied about the baby, I´m speechless.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. September 3, 2014, 2:46 pm

      And we wonder why guys think they can treat women like crap.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. September 3, 2014, 2:48 pm

    This guy treated you worse than a dog. You’d let a stray dog sleep one night in your garage at least, wouldn’t you? I bet you’d even feed it a little something. Run, run fast.

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  • avatar

    csp September 3, 2014, 3:09 pm

    LW, I once went back to a terrible boyfriend. I can say this from experience. You will hate yourself. You will seriously will have no self respect and he will know it and so will you. trust me, aim higher.

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  • avatar

    HmC September 3, 2014, 3:26 pm

    Dude. Kicking your partner out and throwing them on a plane is something that you do if 1) you are extremely immature, and/or 2) your partner has made some *egregious* error, which LW you did not do anything other than show up to an event that he invited you to! He is obviously unstable and not relationship material for anyone who is stable. After just a few months together most people are still on their best behavior. If this is his best, imagine his worst. RUN!

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite September 3, 2014, 10:51 pm

    Yes, Depression and anxiety can look a lot of ways. However, if the person is well functioning that “breakdown” from the stress would look more like: I’m so sorry I can’t seem to do this as planned. My anxiety and depression are going off the charts for some reason and I don’t want to mess up the wedding. Here’s money to stay in a hotel until your planned departure since I have some privacy issues with you staying here. Sorry.

    Even if it did look like that you wouldn’t be under an obligation to accept that treatment. You get to decide what’s respectful to you and he clearly broke trust. No reason to waste any more time on this.

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  • Rhedd42

    Rhedd September 4, 2014, 3:46 am

    I had something similar happen, but stupid me fell for it and kinda hated myself for it for a while. You saw the big red flag that all the other red flags throw a parade for, RUN!!
    Give it a while and you’ll have your “what was I thinking?” moment and realize you are worth more.

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