“My Fiancé’s Mother Still Pays His Bills”
We were in a long distance relationship when we first starting dating. So, after we decided for him to move here, I knew there would be some financial strain on the relationship but never imagined it would be as bad as it has been. When he first got here, he went four months without working and I paid for everything, from his gas to all his necessities. After that four-month period I made it very clear that I could no longer support him and that he would have to get a job. He did get a job, but he continues to not pay for anything but his personal expenses. I pay the mortgage and all of the household bills. I pay for all of our vacations, all of our food, groceries, and for the home and so on.
We have had many fights and have broken up a few times over this. He always tells me he will change and work more to be able to help out around the house and with the kids. At home he does do the majority of the cooking, but that is it. I do 90% of the house work and work close to 50 hours a week. I gave him three bills to pay per month, totaling about $150. He paid them for two months and started helping out more. Then he proposed and I accepted his proposal because I really thought he would be the man we needed him to be.
Right after that everything went downhill again, with him avoiding all responsibilities. The few personal bills he has, his mother still pays. He continues to tell me that he will change – I just need to give him one more chance.
My girls love him and so do I but I feel like I have made a huge mistake saying yes to his marriage proposal. Now everyone knows we are supposed to get married next year, and I don’t know what my kids will say if I break off the engagement and move on. – Inconvenient Proposal
Instead of imagining what they would say if you break off the engagement, imagine what your girls would say if you actually married a deadbeat – and I’m sorry, but that’s what I call a 32-year-old father who is capable of supporting himself and his family and chooses not to – and let him sponge off you for the rest of their childhoods. You may have made a mistake accepting his proposal, but that doesn’t mean you have to make the mistake of marrying him. He has shown you who he is and you can’t afford to give him “one more chance” to show you something different. You have children to think about and they deserve better. YOU deserve better. Please MOA and spend your time and money and love raising your daughters and not a grown man who is taking advantage of you.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS! LW, you don’t have to do this. You make it sounds like you’re forced to pay the bills for all of you & make a commitment to this man, but it’s up to you. Next year is still far away, more than enough time to break off this engagement.
Just because he is a nice guy does not mean he is a good partner. If you feel you really have to give him one last chance – I would suggest you go to a financial planner and sit down with the budget. Maybe open up a joint account which you both put in a percentage of your paychecks which will go to pay bills, purchase groceries, etc. Also, I would make up a chores chart and designate chores for each member of the family i.e. if he cooks dinner you and the girls clean the dishes. He does the laundry and you do the vacuuming, etc. As my grandmother always said ‘begin as you mean to go on’
WWS all the way. LW, don’t do this to yourself— he may be a nice guy who’s good with your kids, but it looks like he wants somebody to replace his mother. (Yeahh, sorry to go with the “replacement mommy” stereotype), but for reals. This isn’t a good situation, you’re clearly unhappy with the status quo, & it doesn’t look like he’ll ever change. Move on before you actually marry the guy, & ~really~ begin regretting your decisions.
Was there even a question there?
Break off the engagement and tell him to move out. Your girls will get over it, and people who know you’re engaged will get over it, too. Just think about how much more difficult breaking up with him will be IF you get married. Divorce is harder and way more costly than breaking up now. Plus, if you marry him, he might be entitled to some sort of spousal support if you divorce.
im just confused. why did you move in with your boyfriend without first going over who was paying for what, who makes what, when paychecks come in, where he was going to work, ect? why didnt you talk about the logistics of moving in together? and then why would you accept a proposal from someone who you cant talk about logistics with and who then lets you down every time you do try to work on them?
i mean, your boyfriend doesnt sound like a real winner, but neither do you… how can you be so careless about your life, and your kids life? you are letting all this happen- he isnt so much doing all this stuff TO you, you are letting it happen. you need to get a handle on everything, and if he wont do that with you, then you need to leave him, period. people who cant handle the day to day handling of money are not good people to legally tie yourself to…
Yeah, the long distance to co-habititation thing confused me, too. If you’re gonna do that, you have to TALK about shit like finances.
In the LW’s defense, it looks like he quit his job and moved for her so they could be together. So obviously at the beginning, the both knew he couldn’t contribute until he got a job.
You cannot change anyone but yourself. If this is the life you want, stay with him. If not, move on. It’s that simple.
He wont change. I’m sure he means well, but if he doesnt know enough to pay his own way at the age of 32, then he never will quite get it. I mean, what has he been doing for the last ten years if not learning how to be an adult??
You have daughters. Show them how to choose well.
WWS. You don’t have to marry him. It’s easier to call of an engagement than it is to get a divorce a few years down the road when you’re even more miserable.
Also, I gotta say — I don’t think it was very responsible to close the distance on the relationship without having a more concrete plan in place. I “get” that it’s often easier to find a job once you’re in a city, but I do think the finances should’ve been discussed beforehand. Don’t get me wrong — I still think this guy sounds like an irresponsible mooch — but you had more of a role in how this all turned out than you’re taking credit for.
I think you’d be better off thinking about what the kids would say if you get married to a guy who mooches off you all the time. Someone who is in school who can’t pay for their expenses should take out a loan, and if they can’t, they shouldn’t be in school. I don’t know a single person who makes their SO pay for their shit while they’re in school. It blows my mind that you’ve been his ATM and his maid for all this time and only now have decided that it might not be OK.
LW – I am very interested in WHY he’s not paying the bills he promised to pay. When you ask him for his reasoning for why he has reverted to shirking his financial responsibilities, what does he say? I think that a person with a legitimate reason (there was some recent unexpected large expense, something extra regarding child support for his son – which I assume he is paying – etc.) often deserves a different course of action than one who can’t really account for where the money went. I think that the issue you’re struggling with is successfully distinguishing between the chronic deadbeat and the guy going through an exceptionally (but temporary) tough time, and I think the key is in how he explains himself to you when ask. The wishy-washy answers give ’em away ever time.
This guy is a momma’s boy who never plans to grow up. Why should he? He’s got everything pretty well set for himself. I would bet he’s not supporting his son, either. How can he, if he can’t support himself? Momma’s probably paying for that, too. MOA from this boy and get yourself a man who has his shit together.
The one thing no one has mentioned that I would consider is how well he is doing in school. Is he spending all of his free time studying and is he getting good grades that will lead to a much better job or is he not doing much with school and barely getting through.
If he is doing really well you could tell him that you will postpone the engagement until he finishes school and that you will get engaged when he gets a good job and then be engaged for at least a year before getting married. It is easy enough to tell him that financial problems destroy marriages so you want to make sure your relationship is financially solid before getting engaged and married. Tell him that you realize that the two of you got engaged to quickly and that you are not ready for engagement or marriage. That puts marriage at least 2 1/2 years in the future. If he isn’t doing well then there is no point at all in waiting.
If you are totally fed up then send him packing. There is no reason to stay in a relationship that you don’t think is working and you don’t think will work. If this relationship has no future why trap it in a marriage?
You need to not be engaged and living together. I realize that this was the most unromantic thing ever, but I didn’t move in with my fiance until we’d had several long conversations about how we were going to manage finances, how we were going to manage paying for me to move halfway across the country to live with him, how we were going to divide up chores, and how we manage free time and time together. Your conversations should have been longer and more in depth because you both have children. You no longer have the luxury of taking things as they come. Once someone else’s life is solely dependent on you like that, you no longer have the luxury of accidentally moving in with a deadbeat.
Don’t kid yourself that it’s not your daughters who are ultimately paying for your fiance’s laziness. They may like him, but I’m absolutely positive that they don’t like the fact that their mother is exhausted and when she makes it home after working long hours, she has to engage in an endless number of chores instead of spending time with them. Don’t let them believe for a second that this is normal or ok.
He’s a single father who is in school. He actually probably qualifies for a good bit of financial help- grants, loans, scholarships. If he can’t get his stuff together enough to figure out what he qualifies for and apply for everything he possibly can so that he can reasonably support himself until he finishes, then he certainly can’t get his stuff together enough to be a good husband.
LW, you just answered your own question. You say yourself that you made a mistake accepting his marriage proposal. You cannot marry a person hoping they will change. You have be completely 100% happy with who they are before you marry them.
Ending an engagement will be much easier than ending a marriage.
You and your children will get through this. Open yourself up to the possibility of having a much more healthy family. Breaking up is the only way to do that.
You have been dating for several years with multiple break-ups and the same result everytime you get back together. I think it’s time to stop expecting so much, and do what’s best for you. It’s time to break off the engagement.
LW, I wouldn’t worry too much what your friends will think if you MOA. I’ve had several friends in your situation, and all the rest of us were desperately wishing, “Please don’t marry that deadbeat/abuser/cheater” etc. Once he’s gone, your friends may tell you how relieved they are you finally wised up and kicked him out.
One more thing to ask yourself, LW – Is he making your life easier? It sounds like he’s only making it harder. You already have 2 kids, a full time job and a house to maintain and pay for alone. Why would you want to tie yourself to another person who needs you to support them, who isn’t reliable and who only makes your life harder?
Eh, women pull this shit ALL the fucking time. And taking four months to find a job AFTER relocating isn’t that uncommon especially in THIS economy. I do think the guy is a piece of shit though for moving away from his son…
That said… It amazes me how petty successful women can be. It simply astounds me. I mean hello… Its fucking HER house at this point. Its her fucking mortgage. Honestly, true gender equality means that sometimes the woman pays for everything. God knows men do it all the time simply as a matter of course with precious little bitching about it.
There’s not enough information here for me to form an opinion. You honestly should have expected to be paying more of the expenses if he moved to you without having a job AND he’s in school. I want to know more about where his paychecks are going now and about the communication surrounding both of your contributions. Either postpone getting married until you can demonstrate for a long time that you’ve worked it out or break up altogether.
I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and how you handle relationships. How did you end up in this situation? You obviously don’t communicate well and need to learn how to do that or you’ll never have a good relationship with any man. You need to learn how to bring up the difficult topics and work them out before living together. At the age of 34 you moved a man you couldn’t have known well, only knew him long distance for a year, into your home with your daughters. Ask yourself why that seemed like a good idea. What red flags were you ignoring? Why? Why do you break up and then get back together again? Why did that seem like a good idea? Why get engaged to a man you keep breaking up with? In many ways you sound like you’re emotionally much younger than your actual age. We usually end up in relationships with someone who is at our own level in many ways so look at yourself and see where the two of you match and also where you don’t match. If he is immature where are you also immature. If he supports his son financially that is great but if he doesn’t why do you think he would support your daughters? I’d personally be unwilling to date any guy who was willing to leave their own child behind. That is a huge red flag in my mind. If he doesn’t prioritize his own dependent child then why would you or your daughters be a priority to him? Ask yourself why it seemed like a good idea to have him move to you and live with you. You are only in this situation because you’ve put yourself in this situation. You’ve based decisions on assumptions rather than facts. You’ve done a poor job of working out finances and financial expectations.
I have a legit question here about Divorce, kids, and dating. So when people remarry/move in together, how much is the new spouse responsible for the costs of stepkids? Like, if you are going to split bills 50/50, does that include child support, educations, back to school clothes? Or if you have a mortgage like this example, does the woman with two kids pay 3/4 of the mortgage because her two kids count? what about big expenses later on like college and weddings? I am just curious how people view this.
Did he leave his son to move to be with you or was the son already living in a different area than the boyfriend? I couldn’t respect any man that would leave his child (whether he was with the mother or not), a job, and school to move to be with a woman and HER children. What kind of dad does that? Also, LW, why would you allow this man to move in with you and your children? How often were you seeing each other while things were long-distance? How well did you really know him before allowing him into your kids’ lives? If you continue to allow this man to live with you, you are only hurting your children – with the constant fighting, and poor example you are setting by showing them that this type of relationship is acceptable.
I can totally relate to where LW is coming from on this. Money is such a personal thing, and there has to be many upon many conversations about how it is spent, saved and distributed. It is completely possible that, as in my marriage, LW is the money manager…good with funds, good with budgets, and her fiance is good with spending it…frivolously!! This isn’t always evident right away, because there ARE discussions about bills, and who pays what when, but it just never seems to always work out the way the LW would like, or how they initially agreed. What I will say is that resentment you feel….it isn’t going away unless some major changes are made. “one more chance” is NOT going to change his spending habits. Some financial counseling might, going without might, not having someone there to make sure his phone is paid for and he doesn’t have to take the bus might, but until one or more of those things happen, this is what you have. You might not have known that going in, but you know it now. Either set guidelines and stick to them, or get out now before you are resenting yourself for staying so long.
You guys were way too hard on this guy. He is in school presumably full time and also works. You really think he has time for a second job? He probably barely has time to sleep and eat right now. When he’s done with school in a year and a half, then it will be appropriate to expect him to bring in more money and pay more bills. When I was in college and working full time, I slept about 3 hours a night and never had money for anything. I thought of myself as a struggling student, not a lazy deadbeat. I struggled to afford rent, heat, food and everything else. It’s so nice to know that if my boyfriend at the time had written in about my financial situation, he would have been advised to kick me out into the streets and let me starve/freeze to death.
what the fuck is wrong with ALL of you including Wendy? He’s no deadbeat; he’s in school! Da hell?! You seriously expected him to make more than a student salary?! All of you are completely inappropriate and unreasonable. Want a salaryman, marry someone done with school and employed wtf did you expect his student salary to be?!
I have to post again in response to everyone who is upset by how people are talking about the boyfriend. It doesn’t really matter if we think he’s a deadbeat or not. The point is that the LW is not OK with how they are splitting finances and there doesn’t appear to be any change in sight. Whether or not he’s doing everything he can, he’s going to be in the program for 18 more months, so it’s not going to get better.
No one is suggesting he be left in the streets to die. But she can’t be expected to stay with him simply because he needs the financial support. If she prefers a partner who can contribute to the household, then that’s her right, and it’s not an unreasonable request.
I think it’s odd that nobody thinks it’s a problem that she’s spending so much extra money when she’s got kids to support. Financial stability is a big concern for single parents, and I think that it’s even more valid for someone in that situation to not want to fully support their partner. It doesn’t make them a bad person or mean their partner is a deadbeat, but they’re just in different points in life.
So just to clarify a few things on the letter I wrote….
1. We did talk before he moved here. He said he would find a job once he moved and he was “suppose” to be looking before actually moving. He already has a degree in Culinary Arts from a top school in Vermont that his parents paid about $50,000 for. So when he moved here from a smaller town to a much larger town I thought with his restaurant experience and a degree he would have no problems finding a job.
2. His child already lived 16 hours away from him when he moved here and has lived that far for about 5 years now. His son is 11 my girls are 7 and 13. And no he does not pay child support even though he is suppose to. I did not find that out among other things until after we moved in together. He always assured me he did pay.
3. His school is paid for 100% through grants. He is not going into debt for school and has no school debt. He has no bills… No car payment, no credit cards, and so on. He pays his car insurance and that’s pretty much it. After we moved in together I found out his mom still supports him financially.
4. I am a single mom who gets NO money in child support. I am the sole provider for my children and always have been. I have been at my current job for 8 years and I have been very successful with my company. Which I am very thankful for.
When he moved in I never expected 50/50 bill sharing butI did expect something! I am a reasonable person and understanding. I am happy he wants to better himself with school he is going to become a paramedic. I just feel line I have all these responsibilities the house bills and so on and he has nothing but school really. He makes about $1700 a month and pays for NOTHING. All I am asking is pay a $30 water Bill, a $50 garbage bill… I am just asking for EFFORT!!
Like I said I make a lot more money them him.. by no means am I rich or wealthy but I manage my money well and able to take my kids on vacations and allow them to participate in extra things.
I have laid it out for him multiple times. The things I need in a relationship. I need to have partnership whether its money or parenting whatever I need us to do it together. I have been married before so I don’t want to go through another divorce. I have always just wanted the girls to grow up with a mom and dad in the house who both love them whether they are step parents or not. Having a family is one of the most important things to me.
Wow, it’s interesting that some assumptions were too harsh and some not harsh enough. Honestly, Sarah, I don’t even know how you can respect a man who doesn’t pay child support. He is never going to be any sort of equal partner to you if he can’t even take care of his own child. I think you need to send him back to his mommy.
I don’t respect him in the aspect of his child that is another one of our major fights the fact that he does not support his son in any manner and doesn’t seemed to be bothered by it. I love his son dearly, he is an amazing child. Well behaved and very wellmannered. I live in a 4 bedroom house so after we moved in together i converted the downstairs room tio his room. Went out bought new bedding he wanted, pictures of his family, and things on the wall. I wanted him to have his own space while he was here and I wanted him to feel like he was a part of our family whether he lived here or not. I just feel like I have given some much of myself to this relationship and our family and get nothing in return. On my daughters birthday he didn’t even get her a card. Just spend .99 and show you at least you care. Just some kind if thoughtful effort would be amazing! I feel like he just takes and takes and takes. Not sure how much more I have to give.
So stop. Kick him out. You are being a doormat. Stand up and send him back to his mother like Rachel suggested. If you acknowledge that this is a problem and that you can’t deal with it, but you’re not actively doing anything about it, then you deserve to be in this position.
You are the perfect example of a woman who has a vision for her future and is putting whatever guy into the roll she sees as partner. You have to find a guy first and then live out your dream of having a family. You can’t have the dream without the guy. I hope I don’t come off as insulting, because you’re not the first and you won’t be the last, but if you want a family and partnership you’re with the wrong guy.
Wow. You are doing your children no favors by letting them see you get walked all over and completely taken advantage by a HORRIBLE father. He doesn’t pay child support and after you built a room for HIS son, he couldn’t even care enough about you or your daughter to give her a card?! Wake up LW. Wake up and get him the fuck out of your house yesterday.
I get wishing you could give your daughters a “normal family” with a mom and dad, but they would fare much, much better by having you as someone to look up to and seeing you do it alone without a total loser.
People, people. I do not understand why you’re all getting so exasperated with this LW.
It’s not that she’s in love with him despite the fact that he’s a loser. It’s because he’s a loser that she’s in love with him. If he was a regular, boring nice guy, a hard worker but perhaps not the alpha loser that gets her hot and bothered, she wouldn’t give him the time of day.
Speaking as a guy here but,
I have several guy friends in the exact same situation. They work their tails off to make money and support the family, while the girlfriend / wife : a) Does not work, b) hires a nanny to take care of the kids, c) spends money on herself and doesn’t save. Some cases are quite extreme. (Thankfully I am married to the most wonderful and helpful wife and mother)
The only issue here is the man’s and woman’s roles are reversed. Here the woman works and the man stays at home, cooks some but that’s it.
Congratulations!!! You have succeeded in achieving equality between the sexes!! Wait what? It’s not all roses, being in the traditional man’s role does not make you feel on top of the world. Welcome to the club, congratulations on the equality, now back to that daily grind.
As an aside: But the genders were reversed, everything else being the same, this would be considered a traditional relationship. Why shouldn’t a woman be considered a “deadbeat”?
I can’t even believe you are taking so long to toss this guy out! The first issue is that you are even living with another man while you have two little girls in your house. The second is that you are supporting a loser. Third is that you don’t have any self-respect or you wouldn’t allow this guy to do this to you and your daughters. Why should he have one cent of your hard-earned money? That money should be going into an account for you and your daughters, not helping to support a lazy loser. It doesn’t matter how wonderful the kids are, how well they get along, how well-mannered they all are. What MATTERS is that he is a man of weak character who doesn’t take care of his obligations – child support for his son – and is breaking the law and is mooching off of you. Dump the freeloader now. Why are you holding on to him? For comfort? To say you have a boyfriend? A pseudo-father for your kids? He can’t even be a man and a father to his own son. The sex? To not be lonely? Face the hard, cold facts that he is a weak-willed, selfish house pimp and you should not be his prostitute. Get him OUT.
Don’t be too judgmental. He will probably change and become responsible after the wedding. My guy did and it worked out swell. Don’t let mere money stand in the way.
P.S. His Mom can help financially if you guys are in a pinch.