On Saturday night he had a boys’ night out and we had said we’d hang out the next day. He rang me at about half past three Saturday night, drunk, telling me I was so awesome and special and he didn’t know girls like me existed because I was so cool (this is kind of par for the course when he’s drunk, so I take this with a grain of salt, but still, nice to hear.) He then asks me to come stay over, but I tell him that’s for boyfriends only.
Then he starts getting loads of text messages, and hangs up on me twice. When he rings back, I joke about him being so popular and he replies, “Yeah these two girls I’ve been hooking up with keep texting me.” To be honest, I was shocked, because we’d never spoken about other people and it seems odd to tell me now. Then his apartment buzzer goes off. At nearly four in the morning. So I ask him straight out if he’s asked another girl over and if she’s at the door, ready to have sex with him. He mumbles something about getting me to wait a sec, goes and opens the door, with me still on the phone, greets a girl and then hangs up on me.
Wendy, I don’t consider myself that possessive or needy, but this felt like a slap in the face — HE called ME. To ask me over and wax lyrical about how special I am, only to make me listen to the preview of him doing some other girl. It made me feel so cheap, and so disrespected and would never expect that from a FWB, and definitely not a good friend. He texted me the next day to apologize, and say he’s confused, but likes and respects me more than any other girl. But I’m still so hurt and feel awful. Do I even have a right to be mad, given that we weren’t exclusive? Do I give him a lecture about FWB courtesy and then try go back to what we had? Should I MOA? Can I trust him as a friend? And how the hell do I react when I see him in work?? — FWB Drama
FWB relationships can only work as long as both parties are on the same page. As soon as one person wants more — or much less — from the relationship than the other, things are doomed. The problem here isn’t so much that your FWB disrespected you; it’s that you developed feelings for him and wanted more from the relationship than he did. Think about it; if you weren’t interested in him romantically, you probably wouldn’t have even picked up his call at half past three in the morning. You’d already decided it was too late for you to go over to his place (or vice versa), so you probably picked up the phone because you wanted to hear his voice. Even after you realized he was drunk and he hung up on you (twice), you kept taking his calls. Why? Because you liked hearing him tell you how special and cool you are (even if he was drunk out of his mind).
The truth is, you may indeed be special and cool, but you probably aren’t special and cool in the way you want to be to him. You’re cool because you’re the kinda girl he can bang without, you know, commitment and responsibility. Plus, you’re fun to hang out with. You don’t put any pressure on him. That’s “cool” to a guy who’s out of a long-term relationship and looking for some NSA fun. And now that there’s been a little hiccup in your previously drama-free relationship, he’s probably starting to feel some pressure after all. That’s where that “confusion” he mentioned came in. He’s not so much confused about his feelings for you — they likely didn’t change just because he got drunk and pissed you off. He’s confused about whether your arrangement will continue being as hassle-free as it has been or whether he should get out now (and if so, how to end things without hurting you…).
Don’t let him be the one to call it quits. Have some self-respect and tell him that while it’s been fun, you’ve decided it’s better for your friendship and work relationship if you quit sleeping together. And then, if you need some space to get over him, give yourself some space. Avoid him at work for a little while. Don’t respond to his calls an texts. Hopefully, in a few weeks, you will have moved on and you can seamlessly transition back into being buddies again (I’d find a new “best friend” if I were you, though). The sooner you end your sexual relationship, the easier that will be.
This doesn’t have to be ugly. Just remember the “rules” you’ve followed for the last five months: you were both allowed to see other people; this was never an exclusive relationship; he never told you he wanted more than just an FB. The only thing he really did “wrong” here was drunk dialing you. And the only thing you did wrong was continuing to communicate with him when you realized he was smashed and you had no intention of seeing him that night anyway. You both messed up. Own it and move on.
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