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Shortcuts: “My Husband Doesn’t Want to Go on Our Anniversary Trip”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

Last night I had a dream of my husband cheating on me and I woke up worried and confused. I’ve caught him with pictures of a naked girl but he said that his friend forwarded the pictures to him. Then, I see that his contact list has become fuller. Also, we were at a relative’s house and where there was a woman my husband flirted with all night and even got her number. Lately, he’s been acting questionable — he’ll ask me where I’ve been and he’s accused me of cheating four times this week already. I planned a trip for our anniversary, but he suddenly doesn’t want to go, and says he’d rather I go with my sister and have fun. But that trip was for our anniversary! Please help. I don’t know how much longer I can go with this. — Suspicious Wife

 
Your husband is projecting his own indiscretions onto you, which is why he’s questioned your faithfulness four times in the last week. Stop tolerating this terrible behavior and demand he go to couples counseling with you, as well as the anniversary trip you planned. If he refuses, call the trip a “freedom vacation,” take your sister along and toast to the idea of being free from your no-good, cheatin’ husband sooner rather than later.

I recently started dating this guy. I’m 18 and he’s 26. We met a week ago over the internet and right when we started talking I fell in love with him. He’s in the Army, but he’s already done one full tour and he’s trying to get out. I know this sounds naive but we’ve already told each other we love each other and how we can’t wait to meet. The other night, I was wondering if I’m not the only girl he’s talking to… so I made a fake profile and asked him to be friends with benefits (on the fake profile), and he said he loved his girlfriend and he would never do anything like that. But he found out it was me be tracking down my IP address to my phone. I told him it wasn’t that I didn’t trust him — I do; I just wanted to see what he would say. He said I really hurt his feelings. I just wanna know if what I did was wrong and should I really believe him when he says he loves me? — In Love After a Week

 
Yes, what you did was wrong, and, no, you should not believe him when he says he “loves” you. Repeat after me: conversing for a week online is not a relationship and it is definitely not love. And this phrase should never, ever be uttered in all seriousness: “We’ve already told each other we love each other and how we can’t wait to meet.”

My husband and I have been together for three years. I recently found out that since 2012, he has been looking up transvestite websites, signing up for websites, looking at porn, and responding to transvestite ads on Craigslist, wanting to be the “bottom.” When confronted, he says he hasn’t done anything and isn’t attracted to men. He seemed deeply remorseful that he has hurt me and promised to never do it again, but it’s just hard to trust. He says nothing physical happened, but I don’t know. Is he secretly gay? I’m so scared that one day he will say he is, but I love him too much to leave him. We have a 6-month-old daughter. What do I do? — Married to Transvestite Fan

 
He’s probably not secretly gay since what it sounds like he’s attracted to is transvestites and not men-men. That is, he likes men who look and act like women. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that your relationship is over, but the two of you definitely need professional counseling to guide you through what this revelation about your husband means for him, for you, and for your marriage and family. You should obviously both get tested immediately for STDs. Maybe your husband is telling the truth about nothing physical happening with other people, but maybe he isn’t, and you need to protect yourself.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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{ 129 comments… add one }

LlamaPajamas LlamaPajamas April 25, 2014, 9:18 am

LW2, I’m curious why your “boyfriend” (sorry, I can’t not use the quotations here) tracked down the IP address of your fake profile? If I got a request from a random online person to be friends with benefits I’d have a giggle, strut around my apartment for a few minutes like I’m Hotshit Queen of the World, then promptly ignore them and forget about it. It’d never occur to me to track down the IP address because I’m not paranoid because I’m not doing anything shady with my life. My guess is that your “boyfriend” who’s in the “military” is doing something shady with his life. Like meeting unsuspecting girls on the internet for nefarious purposes. God I love the word “nefarious”.

avatar Lily in NYC April 25, 2014, 10:01 am

I bet he realized right away OP was playing games which is why he looked at the IP address – I don’t see anything here that makes this dude seem shady. What is shady is OP’s behavior – pulling that kind of immature crap should be a dealbreaker. This whole thing is ridiculous- who the hell “falls in love” in a week over the internet other than extremely insecure, naive people? (oh my god, I got the math problem wrong when submitting! How mortifying).

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 10:12 am

you really truly don’t think its creepy to look up someone’s IP address at all?

Guy Friday Guy Friday April 25, 2014, 11:27 am

Honestly? No. I don’t. I’m guessing the LW didn’t make a very convincing fake profile, and the guy’s alarm bells went off and he searched the IP to see where it originated from. It’s not like he had to do 30 different steps; it’s a one, maybe two step process tops. How’s it different than Googling or Facebooking someone who contacts you?

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 11:37 am

Well, for one even after googling “how to track an IP address” I still for the life of me can’t figure it out. It’s not AS simple as typing a name into google or FB. It also gives info that isn’t…like as willingly made public. For example, if tag my self at a location on FB, I’m basically broadcasting to the world I’m at that location. Finding and then going through the effort of figuring out where my IP is tagged to…it’s a lot more in detail, stalkery actions. (I don’t know if I actually explained what I’m thinking well.)

Guy Friday Guy Friday April 25, 2014, 11:50 am

Ok. But using your picture example, if you email me a picture you took with your digital camera and I right click it and look at its properties, it will generally tell me WHERE it was taken, what camera you have, etc. unless you wipe out the data.

I’m not saying I don’t see your point, but I just don’t see it as any more creepy than Googling a guy you’re meeting for your first date before you meet up with him.

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 11:59 am

Just for curiosity sake, I went and looked to see if any of my photos on my hard drive had a location, and so far I haven’t found any. I would be super creeped out if a dude I’d talked to on the internet was looking at the encrypted info of the place the picture was taken. I get that the info is there, but it’s hidden to a degree. IDK< we're obviously not going to agree.

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 11:59 am

Idk dude. One seems normal and easy. The other seems scary and stalkery.

avatar ktfran April 25, 2014, 12:10 pm

Dude is one of my favorite words.

theattack theattack April 25, 2014, 1:02 pm

I agree with you, GG. The way I think about it is if the information is obviously out there to be seen (like what comes up with your name is googled, what’s on your facebook, what you put on your dating profile, etc), then it’s fair game to look at. Sure, it’s possible to find out other things, and it’s legal, but it shows way too much of a commitment to finding out information about a person you’re barely connected to, and THAT is creepy.
.
The IP address alone is maybe not a HUGE deal (though I don’t like it), but it’s showing one step in what is likely a pattern of behavior for him, and that is one scary pattern to be involved in.

Fabelle Fabelle April 25, 2014, 12:02 pm

Yeah, I’m with you Guy Friday—like, I see everyone’s points below (touchè on dismantling my” not hard=not creepy” line of thought) but my initial reaction re: the IP address thing was kinda “meh”? I mean, Wendy sees all of our IP addresses, right? (or, if not, don’t some other blogs?–that’s how they can tell if the same person is posting from multiple handles, for example)

avatar SpaceySteph April 25, 2014, 1:43 pm

I had a LiveJournal in college and I used to trace IP addresses of visitors all the time, just for the hell of it. What can I say, I had some spare time on my hands?

Tracing IP addresses is maybe a little more advanced computer using than looking at a FB profile, or checking the properties of a picture, but there isn’t anything particularly stalkerish about it in my book.

lemongrass lemongrass April 25, 2014, 10:17 am

You don’t see anything creepy about this guy? Not the fact that he is 8 years older than this girl and telling her he loves her after a week? All I could think while reading this letter was “oh honey.”

LlamaPajamas LlamaPajamas April 25, 2014, 10:24 am

And really, we don’t even know for sure that he’s 26! He could be the stereotypical 38-year old dude living in his mom’s basement who’s just saying he’s in the Army because he thinks young, impressionable girls like that kind of stuff.

avatar MsMisery April 25, 2014, 12:57 pm

Maybe the “boyfriend” is in “military intelligence” and looks up everyone’s IP address as a matter of habit??? Yeah, prolly not.

avatar Elin April 25, 2014, 9:19 am

So yeah, if you start a sentence with “I know this sounds naive, but…” you actually mean “I know I’m being a big dumb idiot, but…”

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 9:42 am

Honestly, I’m starting to think I’m naive for not assuming my boyfriend is on craigslist given all these letters recently.

theattack theattack April 25, 2014, 9:24 am

LW1: WWS. Don’t tolerate that shady shit.

LW2: Wow, you need to take several steps back here. I would be super creeped out by you if I were your (ex?)boyfriend. All of your behaviors (immediate I-love-yous, creepy fake internet profiles, setting him up in a trap, trying to jump into a commitment with him, trying to commit before even meeting the person) and all of his behaviors (also the I-love-yous and quick commitments, plus creepy stalking of a random girl’s IP address) add up to a disaster. He sounds creepy for tracking down the IP address. You’re acting creepy for even playing that game. And you’re both walking down a path to getting stuck in a horrible, controlling, committed relationship with a person you don’t even know. Why don’t you forget about this guy and meet someone in person? Then go on several dates with that person over a series of several weeks before deciding if you want a relationship with that person.

LW3: You can’t change your husband’s sexual affinities, and neither can he. What you can do is communicate with him about what those attractions mean and then decide whether you want to stick around or not.

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 9:31 am

WTF LW2. You’re a week into being penpals (yup, penpals.) with some person you met on the internet and thus far
-You’ve exchanged “I love you”s
-Created a fake profile to trick him
-He’s tracked you down via your IP address (fucking creepy!!!!!!!!!)
-Questioned his love for you.
FFS child. Slow your roll. This isn’t normal.

Fabelle Fabelle April 25, 2014, 10:01 am

Re: the IP address thing, how hard is that to do though? Everyone is saying it’s creepy like it was some long process, but if you know how to do shit like that maybe it’s as simple as a quick Google (I do NOT know how to do it though, so I’m pretty much talking out of my ass)?
.
Anyway yeah, I agree with you obviously (like… wtf are either of them doing??) but just wanted to put my thought out there about the IP address thing.

theattack theattack April 25, 2014, 10:05 am

It might not be hard to do, but why the hell would anyone do it? There’s just no legitimate reason for him to do that.

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 10:12 am

I was really just curious what your IP was. I wasn’t, like, stalking or anything.

theattack theattack April 25, 2014, 10:16 am

It’s cool. I was wondering the same thing about your social security number last week!

avatar bethany April 25, 2014, 10:18 am

Mine’s 123.45.6789
What’s yours?

othy othy April 25, 2014, 10:28 am

Hey, that’s mine too! Crazy.

lemongrass lemongrass April 25, 2014, 10:29 am

OMG when I worked in retail some girl dropped off her resume with her social security number on it. I got my bosses permission to call her and tell her to please take it off.

avatar Banana April 25, 2014, 10:41 am

That’s like people who are so excited to get their first driver’s license or passport that they post a picture of it on FB. With the identifying numbers and everything.

avatar SpaceySteph April 25, 2014, 1:45 pm

If someone actually had that SSN it would be the coolest but also worst thing ever.

(P.S. just me or are the little not-spammer math problems getting harder? 8+9 is double digits, where’s my calculator?!)

theattack theattack April 25, 2014, 1:59 pm

Dude, I got something like 6×8 recently. Who knows that kind of advanced mathematics?!

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 2:29 pm

Haha I hate the math. I tell Lil not to use a calculator but I use it to check her math homework. haha. Its just quicker for checking, Lil. Its not that mom can’t multiply!

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 10:06 am

yeah, I mean I don’t think it’s a **hard** thing to do, but that doesn’t negate the creepiness, IMO. But I have no idea how to do it.

theattack theattack April 25, 2014, 10:18 am

Yeah, it’s also not hard to follow someone, or to drop a pen with a secret recording device into someone’s purse, or to attach a GPS onto the undercarriage of someone’s car.

avatar Banana April 25, 2014, 10:42 am

I want to like this multiple times. And then date it for a while.

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 10:46 am

And then what? Friendzone it like you did to me?

avatar Banana April 25, 2014, 10:59 am

I didn’t friendzone you! I textzoned you! We can still have sex, it just has to be on our phones. Do you need a diagram?

lemongrass lemongrass April 25, 2014, 10:27 am

Taking an up skirt picture isn’t hard to do either but it’s creepy as fuck.

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 10:43 am

Ugh, there was this professor at GGuy’s university who was doing that. F-ing shady shadster.

rainbow rainbow April 25, 2014, 10:21 am

If it was OKC, match or something like that he was most likely lying to her when he said he did. It’svirtually impossible, that’s the kind of data a serious website would get in awful trouble for not protecting.

Now if it was something like “Hi! my name is Notyourgirlfriend and I want to fuck you” “Ok! upload a picture of your boobs to this FTP server I just set up and administer” Then it’s trivial.

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 10:44 am

Yeah, I imagine the big dating sites have more security. But if it was like…a pokemon chat room, that would be easy no?

avatar bethany April 25, 2014, 9:39 am

I just don’t think I can do this today.

avatar ktfran April 25, 2014, 9:57 am

The letters are pretty awesome today.

I do feel for LW3 though. The others. Wow. Just wow.

LlamaPajamas LlamaPajamas April 25, 2014, 9:59 am

I’ve started planning ahead for Facepalm Fridays – I got to bed earlier on Thursday nights, clear my schedule for Friday mornings, and make sure I have an extra cup of coffee and a glass of water (drama can be really dehydrating) when I first wake up.

lemongrass lemongrass April 25, 2014, 10:30 am

I wonder sometimes if Wendy thinks that. Like looks in her inbox and thinks “omg, people. Don’t you learn anything?”

avatar bethany April 25, 2014, 10:48 am

Probably every time the letter ends with “and we have a baby together”.

avatar Laura Hope April 25, 2014, 10:01 am

LW1- You were at your relative’s house and your husband flirted with a woman all night and got her number? You don’t need a dream to interpret what that means.

avatar MsMisery April 25, 2014, 1:04 pm

But for $79.95 I will read you a Tarot spread and tell you what it means! For an additional, SUPER LOW TODAY ONLY PRICE of $19.95 I will give you this cleansing amethyst to help you rid cheating scum from your life!!

Fabelle Fabelle April 25, 2014, 10:06 am

LW1: Yeah, it sounds like your husband wants this vacation to be HIS vacation from you, so he can cheat without worrying? WWS.
.
LW2: WHOA.
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LW3: WLBHS. Is just everyone on Craigslist now, talking to people about their most secret kink? (BUT NEVER MEETING UP, of course!!)

bagge72 bagge72 April 25, 2014, 10:25 am

I look up boats and dirt bikes on craigslist, but never contact anyone… am I creepy?

othy othy April 25, 2014, 10:29 am

Depends on what you plan to do with said boats and dirt bikes.

bagge72 bagge72 April 25, 2014, 10:31 am

tubbing and wheelies duh.

othy othy April 25, 2014, 10:34 am

That’s not near as kinky as it ought to be, seeing that we’re talking craigslist.

avatar Banana April 25, 2014, 10:44 am

My boyfriend just looks at guitars and basses. It’s like…music porn. He just likes to see what’s out there and what price it’s all going for, because he fixes up a lot of instruments and resells them, so he likes to stay on top of the market.

Lyra Lyra April 25, 2014, 10:16 pm

I’ve bought a couple instruments (trumpet and clarinet) from Craigslist from unsuspecting parents who have no idea that the band instrument their kid used for a year is worth more than $100. It’s kind of great because if you buy smart, you can get GREAT deals. I’m not sure how it is for guitars, but band instrument prices that they ask for are literally all over the place.

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 10:47 am

I look up dressers. And every now and then I’ll peruse the missed connections because it’s entertaining.

avatar bethany April 25, 2014, 10:50 am

A friend of a friend actually had a missed connection written about her and she ended up dating the guy for like a year!!

At my old job like 8 years ago we used to all look at the MC’s all the time, so we started writing fake ones about each other. It was hilarious the first time when someone really thought it was about them.

lemongrass lemongrass April 25, 2014, 10:32 am

Soooooo I have browsed craigslist just for shiggles.

avatar bethany April 25, 2014, 10:48 am

I found my dog on Craigslist!!! And he’s the greatest boy in the whole wide world.

lemongrass lemongrass April 25, 2014, 11:10 am

That’s what my MIL says about E.

avatar iseeshiny April 25, 2014, 11:24 am

She found him on Craigslist?

lemongrass lemongrass April 25, 2014, 11:26 am

Don’t judge me.

avatar Banana April 25, 2014, 11:28 am

THAT’S WHERE BABIES COME FROM!

lemongrass lemongrass April 25, 2014, 12:11 pm

At least the babies of DW LW’s. Too mean?

avatar Morgan April 25, 2014, 10:07 am

LW 3 I feel for, I really do. A lot of therapy and figuring out what his proclivities mean for your relationship.

LW 1: he’s cheating. He wants you to go away so he can hook up. Kick him out.

LW 2: look I had some naive views on relationships at 18, but oy vey.

Ugh, I’m home sick today. I feel like I got hit by a truck. But at least I’m not in love with a guy I’ve been chatting to for a week. It’s the little things in life, right?

avatar Banana April 25, 2014, 10:45 am

This is what Facepalm Fridays are for.

rainbow rainbow April 25, 2014, 10:08 am

LW2: What sort of godawful rapey website do you use that attaches your IP to your profile? That has got to be the most unsafe shit I’ve ever heard, and probably illegal.

That, or your penpal saw right through you and was just bluffing.

(BTW my money is on Nº 2)

Fabelle Fabelle April 25, 2014, 10:10 am

Yeah, that’s a good point–I’m sure it was transparent as fuck that LW was trying to trick him, so he probably was bluffing. Still wack behavior on both of their parts, but jeez.

rainbow rainbow April 25, 2014, 10:15 am

Her fake profile was probably the equivalent of showing up at the bar your BF drinks at with your regular clothes and a fake mustache, sitting next to him and saying in a cartoonish voice “hello handsome fellow, you look like a man who would cheat on his girlfriend and I admire you for that. Any comments?”

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 10:17 am

That’s fantastic. I would like to do this.

LlamaPajamas LlamaPajamas April 25, 2014, 10:22 am

Oh, and she’d ask him if he’d like to participate in all the kinkery!

avatar haggith April 25, 2014, 3:56 pm

i just came out of the lurker’s shadows to LOVE the kinkery comment. can’t wait to use it soon (now crawling back to where i came from)

LlamaPajamas LlamaPajamas April 25, 2014, 4:00 pm

Don’t crawl back! There are many, many more kinkery jokes to be made!

othy othy April 25, 2014, 10:25 am

I want to do this to Othello now.

lemongrass lemongrass April 25, 2014, 10:35 am

I want to do that to Mr. Grass. He would find it hilarious.

avatar applescruffs April 25, 2014, 10:58 am

A thousand times yes.

avatar Banana April 25, 2014, 11:01 am

I want to walk up to you in a bar, do that, and then become best friends.

avatar iseeshiny April 25, 2014, 11:03 am

OMG THIS COMMENT <3

Diablo Diablo April 25, 2014, 11:40 am

Be sure to ask if he likes pina coladas, etc.

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 11:43 am

And if he likes getting caught in the rain.

Guy Friday Guy Friday April 25, 2014, 11:39 am

First, YES. THIS.

Second, IP-wise, JoanJ basically described it, but to put it simply: If you’re using wireless, you can see what IP address sent packets to your computer at what time through the router. So you note what time you got the message, log into the router, and look at the log. Boom: IP address. Same thing for messages from her real profile. Compare. Yeah, you can’t nail it down to a specific COMPUTER, but the odds aren’t high two different people would connect to him from the same IP address.

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 11:41 am

That still sounds hella creepy to me.

bittergaymark bittergaymark April 25, 2014, 11:50 am

Almost as creepy as making a fake profile to test somebody you’ve known online for all of one fucking week…

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 11:58 am

Haha, its almost like they’re perfect for each other.

avatar Banana April 25, 2014, 12:28 pm

Considering that some letters are posted a few days or weeks after Wendy received them…I’m guessing they’re already married by now.

Guy Friday Guy Friday April 25, 2014, 11:53 am

Well, like I said to GG above, it’s not that I don’t see your point; it’s just that I don’t see it as being any bigger of a deal than Googling someone you go on a first date with before you get there. I mean, if you’re taking 5 or 10 steps to get the info that’s one thing, but to me it’s like knowing what city the person sending you a FB message is in because they forgot to turn off auto-tagging of messages.

mylaray mylaray April 25, 2014, 11:52 am

Yeah, I mean I know how to do this but just because I know doesn’t mean I do it to find if someone is lying to me. It’s creepy, but that’s not the only creepy thing about the letter.

avatar Morgan April 25, 2014, 10:14 am

Oh, and LW2, everyone knows if you’re going to do creepy, stalker shit to a guy you just started dating, you get a friend to do it for you and report back. Duh.

mylaray mylaray April 25, 2014, 10:15 am

LW3: first of all the term transvestite is considered really derogatory now (and I’m not blaming Wendy since the LW used it). I agree with Wendy and that you guys need counseling to go through this. And maybe this is something he is interested in as a kink, but I wouldn’t discount the possibility of him being gay or bi. Some men do like cross-dressers as a way to deny to themselves/others that they aren’t gay/bi. Maybe that’s not true for your husband, but regardless I think you both need a lot of counseling to get answers and make the best decision for your family.

KKZ KKZ April 25, 2014, 12:15 pm

Wait, what? Transvestite is derogatory and cross-dresser is the politically correct term now? I’m not arguing, I just must have missed the memo, because I always thought it was the other way around. This is the first I heard someone say that the word transvestite is problematic.

bittergaymark Bittergaymark April 25, 2014, 12:30 pm

I don’t agree with this either. It depends how it is used. Transvestite typically means a male who cross dresses SOLELY for sexual gratification. Calling such an individual a transvestite has NOTHING to do with gender issues… Now, branding a trans-person this would be derogatory, but I don’t think anybody who would clinically use this term would do so anyway…

KKZ KKZ April 25, 2014, 12:49 pm

Yes, this is pretty much what I’ve thought too, that transvestism is a behavior more than an identity. And “cross-dresser” sounds way more judge-y to my ears. But maybe the times, and terms, are changing.

mylaray mylaray April 25, 2014, 12:36 pm

Transgender or trans is considered the acceptable umbrella term and transvestite is offensive and outdated to that community. I know transvestite and cross dressing literally mean the same thing in language, but I’m guessing it has become offensive due to people using it as a slur. I’m not that PC, but I find it just as offensive as using tranny.

LlamaPajamas LlamaPajamas April 25, 2014, 12:39 pm

OK, now I take back my RHPS joke. I didn’t realize it was actually offensive.

KKZ KKZ April 25, 2014, 12:45 pm

OK I kind of get you and I don’t want to turn this into a PC argument. I just personally didn’t think that transvestites fall under the “trans” umbrella, maybe because I put them on a different part of the gender&sexual expression spectrum than people whose gender identity doesn’t match their physical sex. A little bit of a crowbar of separation.
.
In any case, it’s not a word I find myself using often anyway, but I’ll definitely think about it a little more critically when I do. I’ll definitely agree that tranny is way offensive!

bittergaymark bittergaymark April 25, 2014, 12:47 pm

Agreed. I don’t think a true transvestite is even a trans person to begin with. They are two entirely different things.

mylaray mylaray April 25, 2014, 12:54 pm

Yeah I agree I find a cross dresser to be very different than someone who is transgender, but that doesn’t negate that transvestite is seen as offensive. I have several trans friends and I’m basing this off from what they tell me.

LlamaPajamas LlamaPajamas April 25, 2014, 12:37 pm

I hope not. I still want to be able to sing along with “Sweet Transvestite” when I play the RHPS soundtrack.

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 10:17 am

So LW3, I definitely think your husband has engaged in some questionable behavior, and you’ll have to decide how to proceed on that. BUT if you decide to stay together, maybe see if you can (and are comfortable) engaging in the kinds of kink he’s interested in/looking for. There are ways that he could still have the bottom experience with out looking outside of your relationship. IF you’re comfortable of course.

bagge72 bagge72 April 25, 2014, 10:29 am

Oh that’s right, I forgot she could use a strap on, and make him the bottom.

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 10:42 am

Yes, thank you for spelling that out. Since it’s clearly outside of my comfort zone!

Fabelle Fabelle April 25, 2014, 10:55 am

haha I was gonna play dumb & be like, “What ever do you mean GG, could you please explain?” ::blink blink:: just to hear how you would describe it ;)

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 10:58 am

I mean, I think it could actually be a really great compromise if LW is comfortable! He apparently likes the idea of being a bottom to a feminine looking person. So voila!

avatar bethany April 25, 2014, 10:53 am

Wouldn’t that make him the top? Or do I just not understand how this works?

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 10:57 am

The wife wears the strap on. So he would be on the receiving end of things.

avatar bethany April 25, 2014, 11:09 am

I keep trying to type a response to this, but everything I want to say is totally inappropriate to type on my work computer…. Sooo…. I’ll just say OK instead.

peppers87 peppers87 April 25, 2014, 4:10 pm

Dan Savage has talked about this topic a lot! If you listen to his podcast it seems like a pretty common kink? I’m not super familiar with it, but the LW could check out “pegging” and Dan Savage letters and might find some more info! Good Luck!!

bagge72 bagge72 April 25, 2014, 10:20 am

LW1: He is cheating, and sounds like he is already given up on your relationship. Set up hidden cameras in your house when you and your sister go on your anniversary vacation.
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LW2: He’s playing you, he doesn’t love you he has never met you. He looked at your IP address, because he knows how to play the game, and the game is that he has plenty of “girlfriends”. Do me a favor and don’t commit to this guy after only one week, go out and meet other people, you are only 18 and i have a feeling this is going to really fuck with your life.
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LW3: I guess either deal with the fact that he likes what he likes, and put some rules in place so you both are safe, and disease free, or leave him, because if you just ignore it, there is a chance he is going to meet the wrong person on craigslist, and bring some nice little STD home for you to play with, without telling you.

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 10:26 am

LW, you do realize you now have to go to the library to try this again, or at least enlist a friend to try to pick him up.
He obviously already knew it was you, so he was probz lying about saying he didn’t want a new fwb. I’d be worried still.

avatar Penguingina April 25, 2014, 10:55 am

Ohh LW 2, I know firsthand how exciting it can feel to be taking to an older guy, but guuuurl… I totally get that the attention from someone like this make you feel glowy and special, but it’s going to fizzle out 99 times out of 100. Just take the immediate intensity as a sign it just isn’t genuine, and the mutual creepin’ as an excuse to get out. Use the site to meet guys your own age, in your own area, or delete it. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself falling for a lot guys just like this one, and it hurts way more than its worth.

bittergaymark Bittergaymark April 25, 2014, 11:10 am

LW1) Eh, who cares?

LW2) Eh, too vapid for words.

LW3) Um, Wendy, you missed a biggie here. The husband is looking to BE the bottom… Meaning he wants to get penetrated by a man… Its all worded so vaguely — I can’t tell if the husband wants to be s tranvestite or if he wants to be banged by a transvestite… But it doesn’t truly matter. The husband WANTS to receive anal from a male… He is either gay, bi, or maybe he is just now exploring a gender identity issue. They both need to talk and get to the bottom of this issue immediately…

avatar Banana April 25, 2014, 11:16 am

“They both need to talk and get to the bottom of this issue immediately…”
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I really hope that was intentional.

bittergaymark Bittergaymark April 25, 2014, 11:43 am

But of course. :)

Diablo Diablo April 25, 2014, 11:47 am

Butt of course?

rainbow rainbow April 25, 2014, 11:30 am

I read it like “transvestite” was the LW’s unkind / uninformed way of referring to MTF transexual people. So in that case no, he’s straight! He just wants the women he fucks to have dicks. Now if he’s really talking about male-identified casual cross-dressers… yup. This is bigger than the online flirting.

bittergaymark bittergaymark April 25, 2014, 11:42 am

The use of the phrase “wanting to be the bottom” means HE wants to get fucked. End. Of. Story.

GatorGirl GatorGirl April 25, 2014, 11:49 am

That’s what I read too.

KKZ KKZ April 25, 2014, 12:28 pm

This is truly splitting hairs but I do think it’s possible to *fantasize* about something without actually *wanting* that thing to happen. I’d elaborate but I can’st seem to do so without revealing too much of my inner mind for a non-deleted-thread. Suffice it to say, sometimes fantasies are the same things as desires, and sometimes they’re just tangents of the imagination that the person in question would not actually pursue in person. In any case, this is less about how the husband wants to be fucked, and more about who he’s seeking out for that purpose.

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 11:48 am

Ok, showing how clueless I am with this question probably, but how can you be a straight guy if you want a dick?

bittergaymark Bittergaymark April 25, 2014, 11:51 am

EXACTLY…

Diablo Diablo April 25, 2014, 11:52 am

EVERYBODY wants dick. Dincha know that?

bittergaymark bittergaymark April 25, 2014, 11:55 am

If ONLY that were true… Sigh…

avatar Christy April 25, 2014, 12:03 pm

Because liking one gender identity doesn’t equal liking one set of genitalia. You can be a gay woman and like a non-op trans woman and have that not invalidate your gayness. Because they’re still female even with a dick. It’s something like that.
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It gets really complicated, tbh. The queer community deals with this issue a lot.

avatar lets_be_honest April 25, 2014, 12:12 pm

Ok, that makes sense. Thanks Christy!

kare kare April 25, 2014, 2:04 pm

Idk, I’ve dated guys that wanted be penetrated by vibrators and things and didn’t think of them as gay. But I kind of think gay and straight are limiting terms anyways. Obviously for some people it is as simple as “I’m this gender and am attracted to this gender; therefore, I’m gay/straight”. For some people it’s not as simple. I’m not going to label anyone as anything unless that’s how they choose to identify.

Diablo Diablo April 25, 2014, 11:46 am

It may be a big point in terms of the husband’s orientation, but the bottom line (!) is he’s advertising for sex with someone other than her. Who that turns out to be is lower on the priority list than the fact that it is happening. But i agree it sounded to me like he wants to be banged by a male part, which is not a good indicator of heterosexual monogamy.

avatar JoanJ April 25, 2014, 11:15 am

IP addresses: actually more complicated than that. You can track one to the city it originates in, but you’d need the permission of the internet service provider to track an address, and likely need to prove probable cause or have a warrant to get that far.

Phone ones are sometimes shorter than computer ones.

What he probably did was compare the IP on her other messages to the one of the fake profile, and match them. Not track them to her phone (without breaking a law or two).

Note to self: when creating a fake profile to trap my weeklong, long distance boyfriend, use the library computer a few towns over.

avatar Banana April 25, 2014, 11:27 am

I have a lot of sympathy for what LW3 and her husband must be going through, but I think that the important part is: no matter WHAT this means about his sexuality, the point still stands that he’s been doing a lot of sketchy things behind your back. Your trust in him has been damaged and he needs to earn it back by being open and honest with you. That might mean you learn things about him that change (or end) the relationship. I just wanted to say that I don’t think the LW should feel pressure to excuse some of that shady behavior just because her husband is going through some sexual exploration. Things like that don’t just spring up overnight, and he’s been acting this way for (if I did the math right) two years of your three-year marriage, which kind of says to me he had feelings and proclivities this way before you got married but wasn’t upfront about them. That’s not fair to you. It’s not easy on him either, and he has a long road of self-examination and discovery to go down, but that does NOT give him the excuse to be dishonest or drag someone else into it unwittingly.

avatar Banana April 25, 2014, 11:35 am

(And that’s all making the generous assumption that he’s acting this way because he’s actually confused/torn about his sexual preferences…the other possibility is he knew what he was doing all along and just chose not to tell you because he wanted a wifey too.)

KKZ KKZ April 25, 2014, 12:24 pm

The comedy in this comment thread is to die for, I really needed this giggle today. I <3 Facepalm Fridays.
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Although truly only the second letter is facepalmable, the first one I rolled my eyes at the dream part but it does sound like this guy is being shady, and the third letter, I really feel for that LW and hope this is something they can work out in counseling.

kare kare April 25, 2014, 4:55 pm

So sometimes I look at pets on Craigslist even though I’m not planning to get another cat or dog. Do you think my cat thinks I’m trying to cheat on him?

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