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“Should I Tell Her Husband She’s Cheating on Him?”

From the forums:

cheating

I was dating this guy, “Eric,” whom I worked with, and about a month into our relationship I went to Greece for the summer. When I came back, he ended things, telling me he was confused. We continued talking every day via text and at work, but I realized a friendship he had with a married coworker went from innocent to weird.

She went to Brazil with her husband, and that is when things got interesting. Both she and Eric would always be on Facebook chat at the same time, and log off at the same second. At first when I noticed, I thought it was a coincidence and just brushed it off. Then I noticed it was multiple times per day, and at weird hours. At first I made the excuse that he was helping her through a hard time, because she had told my ex that she was having issues in her marriage. I was a little taken aback that she did not tell me, because I thought we were good friends, but I just ignored it. One day when it was really bothering me, I asked him if there was something between them and he said I was crazy. After the third time I asked him, he turned off his Facebook chat just for me. I could still see when he was active though, and it was at the same times as she was.

When she got back, I limited my contact with her because her actions angered me. She and Eric kept getting more intense with the flirting, and they ,would always go to the back area at the same time. She asked me a few times “jokingly” if I liked him, and I always joked back that he was too young for my liking.

One day she came to work dressed up, which she never does, and had an energy about her that she rarely had. That night, he stopped texting me at 9, which is when I assume they met up, as she worked until 8:30. He had never just stopped messaging me, so I was a little worried something had happened, but I did not think too much of it. I went to visit my best friend, and, when I left her house, I noticed his car on the road. At that moment I remembered that our coworker lived in that area, so I thought the worst, and, sure enough, Eric’s car was parked around the corner from from her house. Her husband’s car was nowhere though.

Later that evening, he replied to the texts I sent previously, saying: “Sorry, I was sick. I was throwing up all night.” When I told him I saw his car, he told me he let a friend borrow it.

There are so many more little details, like neither one of them logged into Facebook that night, which never happens (I clearly checked for that after I saw his car), among many other things.

I told Eric I was going to talk to the husband. He begged me not to, and said that I should give him one more chance to prove his innocence. I gave him that one chance about four times.

Last Monday I said again that I was going to the husband, and within two days my co-worker messaged me, telling me some dumb stuff about how she is disgusted I could think so little of her. All I said back was, “I hope your husband finds out”. We had a work meeting Tuesday night, and they were BFFs, acting like their usual selves. Both told me they do not see how their friendship is inappropriate, they tried to make me look crazy.

After all that, I am fine not talking to either one, but I still wake up in the middle of the night with the guilt that I know something significant that her husband should know about. But I have not told him. It has been over a month now.

So should I explain to the husband the situation? I am so lost and never would have thought I would be in a situation like this. Please advise me! — Trapped in a Love Square

What?! No. Just… no. Let’s start with your sign-off name: you are neither in a “love square,” nor “trapped.” Eric broke up with you when you came back from your summer vacation. That relationship is over and has been over for months. Get over it. Move on already. It’s done. Now that you’re out of the equation, that leaves three other people, so at most it’s a “love triangle” — one that you are not “trapped” in because you are not a part of.

Let me repeat: you are not a part of this triangle of people, whatever the relationships between and among them may be. And those relationships are none of your business. Not only are they none of your business, you clearly don’t know what you’re talking about. You have no proof of anything. And you want to go to the husband with “what you know”? What you know is so meaningless and circumstantial, I’d think even the most jealous of husbands would probably raise his eyebrows at you and be like, “Huh?”

You sound like someone who’s dancing on the edge of Crazyville, just daring herself to topple over head-first into wacka-doodle-dom. Maybe you feel scorned or maybe there was something in the water in Greece or maybe your life just lacks anything of interest so you’ve got to create drama wherever you can, but seriously: you need to get a grip. This obsession you have isn’t healthy and it isn’t productive.

Log off Facebook. Better yet, delete your account. I went through a crazy spell a few years back where I was sort of convinced everyone was out to get me and so I deleted my account for eight months until I trusted myself not to act nutso anymore. Facebook makes it really easy to delete your account and come back with everything — your friend’s list and all that jazz — still intact. Do it. Take a social media sabbatical. Get some hobbies. Develop some interests outside Eric and this other co-worker. Maybe fire up an online dating profile and go on some dates. Make some New Year’s resolutions. Resolve to be less nutso. Make 2014 the year of healthy living and make the first step toward that goal the resolution to move on from this “love square” once and for all. The future you, far from the border of wacka-doodle-dom, will thank you.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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{ 56 comments… add one }

  • bagge72 bagge72 December 10, 2013, 9:12 am

    Wow, this is some stalker type shit right there. You are so jealous of this girl that you want to butt in and break up her marriage, because you can’t have this guy. You are way too obsessed with this guy, and it is very unhealthy, and it might be best for you to start looking for another job. Seriously, it is very creepy how much stalking you do, you actually sit on facebook, and watch to see when they are both on FB messenger, that is just nuts.

    • avatar EricaSwagger December 10, 2013, 9:18 am

      Ooh yes, I second the job thing.

  • avatar lemongrass December 10, 2013, 9:15 am

    They are not trying to make you look crazy, you’re doing a fine job of that on your own. Basically, MYOB. You barely dated this guy and now he is friendly with another woman and that is all you know. You’re jealous that someone else has his attention and blowing everything up so that they are in the wrong and not you. Also you are kinda stalking him. If this is a pattern of behaviour for you then please seek help. If not and it is just a one time bout of crazy then distance yourself as much as possible and remind yourself that what they may or may not be doing is none of your freaking business.

  • avatar EricaSwagger December 10, 2013, 9:16 am

    “… so I was a little worried something had happened, but I did not think too much of it.”

    CLEARLY.

    As Wendy said, get some hobbies.

  • avatar bethany December 10, 2013, 9:18 am

    MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

    Really, nothing else needs to be said.

    • avatar bethany December 10, 2013, 9:20 am

      And really, you’re checking to see if two people happen to be on Facebook at the same time?? OMG- my husband is on FB right now and so is TheAttack. They’re obviously talking to eachother and having an affair.

      • bagge72 bagge72 December 10, 2013, 9:27 am

        Umm you said nothing else needs to be said!

        • avatar bethany December 10, 2013, 9:40 am

          I lied :)

      • theattack theattack December 10, 2013, 9:38 am

        Damn, you caught me. I was hoping if I seduced Dave he would come build me a patio too.

        • avatar bethany December 10, 2013, 9:41 am

          All you need to do is bake for him, and he’ll build you whatever you want!! :)

          • othy othy December 10, 2013, 10:38 am

            Damn, I need to befriend him, bake for him, and have him fix my back porch up. Tell him I make a mean chocolate chip nutella bread or peanut butter kiss cookies.

            • avatar Deb December 10, 2013, 6:09 pm

              OMG, pleeeease post the recipe for chocolate chip Nutella bread!

    • GatorGirl GatorGirl December 10, 2013, 9:58 am

      Yeah, I totally second this.

      Checking to see if two other people are on FB chat is a whole new level of crazy.

  • avatar ktfran December 10, 2013, 9:21 am

    Wacka-doodle-dom. Ha, ha, ha ha ha!!!!! Love it. That is all.

    • avatar Naps December 10, 2013, 9:52 am

      I love it too. Of course, I read it as Wacka-doodle-DAM…as in the Wacka-doodle-dam, right outside of Crazyville, had a real tragedy occur when LW tossed herself over the edge into the abyss of Wacka-water. I laughed so hard at that image that I had to de-lurk to comment.

      • avatar shanshantastic December 11, 2013, 9:56 am

        I’m so glad you did, I almost spit out my coffee!

  • avatar artsygirl December 10, 2013, 9:28 am

    Work has so far sucked today – I was running late, both elevators are broken, and I messed up on some paperwork a couple of months ago and just now found out…and then I read Dear Wendy and suddenly life is rainbows.

  • Kate Kate December 10, 2013, 9:29 am

    The part I think is missing from this letter, that was included in the forum post, is that she TOLD everyone at work all about this. I’m pretty sure sleeping with co-workers and spreading rumors about co-workers sleeping with each other is grounds for firing, but beyond that, you know there’s something really wrong with you when you think nothing of letting all the crazy out of your own head and all over the office. She should call the Employee Assistance Program and get assigned to a counselor. That’s the ONLY person she should be talking to about crap like this.

  • theattack theattack December 10, 2013, 9:50 am

    Whatever you think you know is really not any of your business no matter how true or how immoral or how deceitful it is. You know that your motivation for telling would be primarily based on your own personal stuff and not the best interest of the husband, which means that you should definitely stay out of it. That alone would make the husband think you’re crazy rather than believe what you’re saying, not even mentioning the fact that your evidence is basically non-existent.

    I think you need to work on yourself for a while and leave other people alone. Also do what bagge said and find another job.

  • avatar tbrucemom December 10, 2013, 9:56 am

    Get some therapy because you are obsessed with this guy and obviously have no life. You should also find another job and get off of Facebook. Seriously, get some therapy because you have mental issues.

  • Addie Pray Addie Pray December 10, 2013, 9:58 am

    Sometimes I feel trapped in a love circle. I’m deeply in love with myself, but myself isn’t meeting all of my needs. I suspect myself is up to no good, and sometimes I follow myself to see where I go. I wonder if I need to learn to be happy with myself (not myself myself but me myself), but I love myself dearly and can’t picture myself (me myself) with anyone but myself (myself myself), you know? It’s so hard this love circle. Le sigh. … (I dunno)

    • avatar sisisodapop702 December 10, 2013, 1:00 pm

      OMG. I just laughed coke out my nose and onto my keyboard. AP, have you thought about stand up comedy? You make me laugh on a regular basis. (Ya, I’m a total AP fan.)

      • Addie Pray Addie Pray December 10, 2013, 1:46 pm

        Aww, I love Sisi! You made me feel so loved.

  • avatar jlyfsh December 10, 2013, 10:08 am

    It looks like from the forums you realized you were on the crazy train and got off. Hopefully in the future if you start to think about getting back on you’ll be able to stop yourself!

  • avatar Kelly L. December 10, 2013, 10:11 am

    I was briefly about this cray-cray years ago after a sudden breakup (for example, I was sure my ex’s former-turned-current-again-girlfriend was lurking outside my house to see if he was there). Please, please, don’t act on any of this, and try to just avoid him as much as possible till it’s all a little less raw. There is nothing good that can come of it. This probably does mean a new job if possible, staying off Facebook at odd hours, and possibly therapy.

  • findingtheearth findingtheearth December 10, 2013, 10:19 am

    Your coworker asked you if you were interested in this guy, and you said no.

    And do you know the wife and husband well enough to know their relationship dynamics? They may have an open marriage, they might be taking a break – bottom line – none of your business.

    As Wendy said, get a hobby, or two, or three. Meet some new people. Get a new job. Try some new interests that relieve the drama in your life.

  • Addie Pray Addie Pray December 10, 2013, 10:33 am

    Hey you guyzzzz, never trust an atom. They make up everything.

    Bwhahahahahahahahaha. My day is ruined. I can’t stop laughing. I need to leave work now.

    • Addie Pray Addie Pray December 10, 2013, 10:39 am

      Helloooooo, I said, ATOMS MAKE UP EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      It’s a tough crowd.

      • Addie Pray Addie Pray December 10, 2013, 10:41 am

        Sane People: AP, that was the funniest joke I’ve heard!

        AP: I know, right?

        Insane People: What joke? That was a joke? I like white wine and I hate babies and puppies, blah blah blah.

        • avatar lemongrass December 10, 2013, 10:43 am

          It’s okay, nobody responded to my hilarious joke on the sex & good/bad relationship forum post and it was a gooder.

    • katie katie December 10, 2013, 11:07 am

      i would make another chemistry joke, but all the good ones ARGON.

      ahhhhhhh

      • Addie Pray Addie Pray December 10, 2013, 11:20 am

        Hahaha. But I had to like my joke just so your joke wouldn’t have more likes, except it still has more likes. What has come over the DW World?!

    • avatar EricaSwagger December 10, 2013, 11:09 am

      This one works best when spoken, not typed! Because it’s never trust an “Adam” !

      • Addie Pray Addie Pray December 10, 2013, 11:21 am

        You, to the time out chair.

  • bittergaymark Bittergaymark December 10, 2013, 10:37 am

    Wait, hold up. I’m still trying sort out why oh why Eric would ever have dumped such a level headed, and rational women like this LW.

    • muchachaenlaventana muchachaenlaventana December 10, 2013, 11:06 am

      hahaha

  • kare kare December 10, 2013, 10:45 am

    1) don’t ever get involved with a coworker again
    2) don’t spread rumors
    3) get a hobby or a therapist or both

  • avatar Laura Hope December 10, 2013, 10:54 am

    I think if you’re really tuned in to your spouse and they’re being unfaithful, you probably know (at least on some level). And if you’re not, well, therein lies the problem. If I knew my best friend’s husband was cheating on her, I wouldn’t tell her. It would be forcing her to confront something she might not want to know. The husband of a work friend? Not appropriate!

  • avatar Lucy December 10, 2013, 11:03 am

    I feel like this post must be a troll. No one is this crazy irl. Are they?

    • avatar MissyC December 10, 2013, 2:14 pm

      If she didn’t say she was working and dealing with a married couple, I’d say why not. A girl I went to high school with was dating a good friend of mine. He broke up with her (ah, high school love. Who knew it wasn’t *forever*) she would drive to his house and sit outside. She would write down the license plates of cars that would come over to the house and ask her father (a police officer) to run the plates.

      If I didn’t know about that, I’d say no one is that crazy irl. But I’ve seen it.

      Oy.

  • avatar Fancy Pants December 10, 2013, 11:12 am

    Wendy, I’m kind of disappointed. This was an ideal time to post a picture of the boiling bunny.

    • bittergaymark bittergaymark December 10, 2013, 10:57 pm

      But she already kinda sorta did that a while back…

  • Caris caris December 10, 2013, 11:37 am

    I can´t even. Are you on facebook all day? How is it even possible that you know exactly when everyone is logged into it? Plus, you can still message on facebook even if you are “offline”.

    • avatar Matcha December 10, 2013, 1:07 pm

      The phone app will list if your friends are active/logged into facebook, and if not, how many minutes they’ve been logged off. And also if they’re chatting from a computer or a phone. And their location. (Yeah, now that I type that, it seems like facebook just encourages crazy.)

      • avatar MissyC December 10, 2013, 2:15 pm

        Really? That is seriously disturbing. So not even logged into the chat feature, just logged into the site?

        • avatar Matcha December 10, 2013, 5:50 pm

          The location feature only shows if they respond to you (and I think you can disable that.) Looking at my message app, there’s an ‘active’ menu that shows if they’re available to chat, but if they’re not and they’re still active it will say if they’re on mobile or web. You can turn your active feature off and still get messages. There’s a lot of information there.

    • Lindsay Lindsay December 10, 2013, 6:17 pm

      Does anybody at their office actually get any work done?

  • avatar Lily in NYC December 10, 2013, 11:44 am

    Holy crap! LW, this dude was allowed to break up with you. Why are you acting like you’ve been wronged? You do realize you are stalking him, don’t you? Do you really expect us to believe you just happened to be at your friend’s house and saw his car? Bullshit – you freaked out and purposely drove by coworker’s house to see if his car was nearby. You are behaving in an unhealthy manner and need to stop now. And the only reason you want to tell the husband is because you feel hurt – that is a terrible, terrible reason to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. You are the problem in this fake love-square – this guy has made his feelings very clear and you need to back off. And stop with the constant texting/chatting already! Go live a life free of stalking, FB and pretend relationships for a while. You desperately need it.

  • avatar AKchic December 10, 2013, 12:18 pm

    Whether or not Eric and the co-worker are sleeping together isn’t YOUR business. You were dumped when you got back from Greece. Move on already. You are the scorned woman who wants revenge.

    Remove yourself from the equasion. It’s none of your business what Eric does anymore since you aren’t dating. He has nothing to prove to you. Cease communications with the both of them since you aren’t even a decent friend to them.

  • avatar melancholia December 10, 2013, 1:28 pm

    “Both told me they do not see how their friendship is inappropriate, they tried to make me look crazy.” <— this part made me laugh hysterically. They are not making you look crazy, lady, YOUR actions ARE crazy! Are you kidding me? You actually do not have any proof beyond a reasonable doubt that these people are even having an affair – aside from the fact that his car was parked near her house and her husband's wasn't… FOR SHAME!

    Even IF they were having an affair, your actions are absolutely immature and unfounded. You do not have the right to get involved in this woman's marriage whatsoever. Clearly you are not her friend, and clearly you have some weird obsession with "Eric" that somehow manages to break you down into a teenager. This is adolescent behavior at best! Grow the fuck up, knock some sense into yourself and move on already!

  • Heather Heather December 10, 2013, 1:54 pm

    So, everything has already been said but I just have to inject my own disbelief in here.

    WOW. You sound like you are in middle school. Even if any of this was any of your business (which is so clearly isn’t) you have ZERO proof of anything. I’m sorry, but I cannot stand when people put themselves in knight’s armor and on their own white horse and act as if they have some reason to be riding around as the moral authority. You literally lose sleep because of the guilt you feel over the husband not “knowing”? Jesus Christ. The LW’s sense of entitlement at all this “information” is insane.

    Let it go. Leave these people alone. Try knitting. Get a cat. I don’t know. Do whatever you need to do to remove yourself from this drama you are trying so hard to force yourself into. It will do you a lot of good.

  • avatar Derpina December 10, 2013, 2:33 pm

    What situations are appropriate to inform friends that their partner maybe cheating on them? There is a weird sense of “duty / loyalty” people seem to call on about this kind of thing.
    That’s purely selfish thing, right? There is no “bro code” or “lady code” that says you MUST inform someone if you know they are being cheated on, is there? Would you guys want someone to tell you?

    • kare kare December 10, 2013, 5:15 pm

      I’d want my friend to tell me of either scenario occurred:
      1) they are part of the affair
      2) they happen to have cold hard evidence that my hypothetical significant other has contracted a STD

      I’ve been the person that found out my ex cheated…and that every one of our mutual friends knew. It sucks, but I know I wouldn’t have believed it if I had been informed. But if my friend for some reason had a copy of test results that they could fax me, I’d appreciate the heads up. (None of my friends are mastermind spies or computer hackers, so option 2 is very unlikely).

  • avatar bondbabe December 10, 2013, 5:30 pm

    So, say you do inform the husband of the “evidence” you have; what do you gain? You’re obviously hurt, so you feel the need to have them hurt also? What about the feelings of the husband? Is it some sick self-satisfaction of, “See, that’s what you get?” or “Ha-ha, now you’re as hurt as I am?” What it is that you seek to get of out tattling?

    You need to look long and hard at yourself—you are a VERY selfish, self-centered person who needs to recalibrate their moral compass. Please do this by utilizing therapy. In time, you will see that this ship was not yours to steer. Good luck (and grow up).

  • Lindsay Lindsay December 10, 2013, 6:16 pm

    You’re not doing this out of guilt or concern for her husband. You’re jealous. It’s one thing for someone to wonder if they should tell their BFF that her boyfriend is cheating because they love their BFF, but this appears to be some rando at work with whom you have a disproportionate amount of caring for her husband. Do you even know him?

    You need to be honest with yourself about why you care so much, so much that you are apparently tracking their every waking moment and how they use social media. If you don’t quit, you’re going to come across as a crazy stalker.

    And the fact that this guy felt harassed enough to block you from Facebook chat is not a sign that he’s being sneaky. It means that you’re really freaking him out.

  • avatar BreezyAM December 10, 2013, 10:58 pm

    Just to give you a bit of comfort…

    Yes, they are probably having wicked hot torrid affair sex. Because illicit sex is almost always the best sex. You’re not crazy for thinking they are fucking like wildebeasts in heat. They are.

    You are crazy because you are acting like the jilted lover you are not. Stop that. Also? Honey? Don’t be totally naive. For all you know she and her husband and this Eric dude are having dirty hot threesome sex you can’t even begin to imagine. Or she’s fucking him and telling her husband all about it as he’s banging her that night. You don’t know a thing about their lives, and you need to go get one of your own.

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