Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Once a Cheater” Responds (Again)

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Once a Cheater,” who had cheated on previous boyfriends in the past and expressed some concern that she was beginning to fantasize about other men again now that she has been relocated away from her boyfriend for six months. She updated us once before about how things were going with the boyfriend three months into their six months apart. It’s now been another year and nine months and there’s a new update:

I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend while I was away.

I didn’t cheat on him, but I broke up with him because I felt like we had no connection, and me being away from him only made me realize I was not happy in the relationship. I know it’s cliché, but the reasons I felt this way were because he was “too nice” and didn’t really speak up for himself. Another reason was because he pretended to like and do certain things only because I did. Basically, he lied about knowing certain bands, movies, etc. when in reality he had no idea what or who I was talking about.

I did the shitty thing and broke up with him over the phone. I only did this because I wanted him to know I would be starting to look for a new place when I returned and I wouldn’t stay with him. He was understanding and wasn’t crazy (thank God). He didn’t ruin my things. It was a clean break-up. He picked me up at the airport. He let me use his truck, while he was at work, to move my stuff. I was pretty lucky with the way things turned out. He understood that he could not make me love him. He wasn’t going to force me to do anything and be vengeful because of my feelings.

A few weeks after I returned, I got in touch with an old co-worker. We hit it off and got married and the rest is history. I am happy and I am not just to telling myself this like before. I feel it every single day. I don’t have thoughts of cheating like how I did before in my past relationship. He is my best friend and now my life partner, and I couldn’t be happier.

 
Well, congrats to you. I’d love an update in another year or two…

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

34 comments… add one
  • katie

    katie April 25, 2013, 2:13 pm

    Wow. Didn’t see the new marriage coming… Lol

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    lets_be_honest April 25, 2013, 2:25 pm

    Oh yea, p.s. I met someone and got married in a hot minute.

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      csp April 25, 2013, 2:56 pm

      I wish there were dates on the posts. How long since the first post?

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        MissDre April 25, 2013, 3:02 pm

        The date is at the bottom First post was June 1st, 2011

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        csp April 25, 2013, 3:05 pm

        I NEVER noticed those before. That helps with the time line.

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    oldie April 25, 2013, 2:39 pm

    What a joke. The unsettledness and desire to cheat will likely return when the honeymoon period is over. Hit it off with an old co-worker, whom she apparently didn’t hit it off with quite so well when they were co-workers. Fast, rebound relationships instantly turned to marriage just never seem to work out, but hey, good luck, despite the long odds.

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      Sue Jones April 25, 2013, 4:32 pm

      Yeah, LW, good luck with that…

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    csp April 25, 2013, 2:55 pm

    I remember the day I realized that my husband was the one. I realized he was worth trying to make it work. To try and get over fights. Most of my relationships before that ended after the first big fight. With my husband, I knew he was the one because I wanted to walk away from temptation. I stopped anything that went too far. This might be a case of realizing that her former bf just wasn’t right.

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      lets_be_honest April 25, 2013, 3:03 pm

      Peter said something to me recently in a discussion about marriage that kinda hit home: I realized I wanted to marry you when I knew I still wanted to marry you when you were at your worst. Everyone would want to marry you when you are at your best.

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        csp April 25, 2013, 3:06 pm

        so true.

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        GatorGirl April 25, 2013, 3:09 pm

        Yup.

        Seriously, we’ve had a few shittying things happen in our relationship and I never wanted to walk away. I’ve wanted to shake him as ask what the fuck he was thinking, but never walk away.

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        lets_be_honest April 25, 2013, 3:17 pm

        Sometimes I worry about that though. Like, how many LWs have said the same thing, but clearly should walk away, ya know?

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        GatorGirl April 25, 2013, 3:24 pm

        Well, yeah true. Haha. BUT we’re different!! (tehehe)

        I also think the fact that each “bad thing” for example the cheating- we had open communication, reevaluated our relationship, individually did a lot of work, and both grew from the “bad”. So, yeah, a lot of LWs one or both either doesn’t want to change, do the work, or is just an asshole.

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        lets_be_honest April 25, 2013, 3:28 pm

        Yea, I know you guys are “different” lol.

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      • theattack

        theattack April 25, 2013, 3:14 pm

        awwwwwwwwww 🙂

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  • kare

    kare April 25, 2013, 3:11 pm

    How about you introduce one of us to your ex? He sounds like a classy guy.

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      snarkymarc April 25, 2013, 4:22 pm

      You know, if he would have thrown all her stuff out the window and stood her up at the airport, she probably.would have wanted him back. He dodged a bullet.

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    Amanda April 25, 2013, 3:42 pm

    LW and all other LWs, More updates please!

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray April 25, 2013, 3:45 pm

    Man some people move so fast. Between the time this LW got a boyfriend, broke up with him, met someone else, and got married, I seem to have only accomplished… Picking my nose in my office with the door open but not getting caught.

    Also side note: today would have been my mom and dad’s 1 millionth anniversary had he not died 5 years ago. So naturally I call home to wish my mom happy anniversary, and that’s when she talks a little bit about my dad and how she misses him and then says “up until the very end he could alway get me so excited.” I just say “uh huh, uh huh” like I did for the whole convo, but she keeps it up, she doesn’t stop, “he was such an exciting man, I was always so excited him… Excited excited excited.” On our recent trip too she liked to talk about how damn excited my dad would make her, she was always excited for gim even after all that time and all those kids. blah blah excited blah blah ….How can I get this woman to stop using the word excited around me? Really I’m gonna puke.

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      lets_be_honest April 25, 2013, 3:46 pm

      Crying.

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      Temperance April 25, 2013, 3:48 pm

      UGH. My sister and I banned my mother from talking about sexing up my dad when we were in high school (she wanted to be our BFF ultraclose mother/show us how great sex within a marriage was so we didn’t turn into slutty mcslut-sluts). You are probably nicer to your mom than we were – we started actually yelling CAN’T HEAR YOU MOM CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA and doing “earmuffs”. Ugh.

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        Addie Pray April 25, 2013, 4:41 pm

        Haha. My mom is definitely not the “I want to the mom who is your BFF too” kind of mom. The most “sex”-related talk I’ve heard from her is this “he could make me so exited” stuff. Ewwww, I still don’t like hearing it. Well, I do like to know they were happy and fulfilled, but that’s all I want to know, convo OVER! You know? My course of action when my mom gets meloncholy and reminces about her “excited” days is to just let her talk…. and I just nod or say “uh huh” and let her talk it out. … But I swear to god she said “excited” 10 times on the phone this afternoon.

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    cdobbs April 25, 2013, 3:48 pm

    damn the ex does sound nice: “It was a clean break-up. He picked me up at the airport. He let me use his truck, while he was at work, to move my stuff”…i’m sorry but if I was him there would be no way in hell i would pick you up at the airport or use my truck to move your stuff! not saying that you were wrong for breaking up with him…just that i would have been “thats fine…you are on your own!”

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      csp April 25, 2013, 4:06 pm

      If you wanted the person out of your place as fast as possible you would.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle April 25, 2013, 3:54 pm

    I can’t believe I didn’t comment on the original letter or the update… the tones in all (including this update) are super odd to me. She did a 180 in her last update as compared to the original letter, & now here she’s just on a whole ‘nother plane. How, LW, did you go from wanting to cuddle in your boyfriends arms at the airport to suddenly realizing he was a total bore & there was “nothing there”? I mean, maybe she was in denial in that last update?

    Hope everything works out!

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    lets_be_honest April 25, 2013, 4:15 pm

    Wow, that original letter had some heated commentary. And a bunch of the old commenters.

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  • landygirl

    landygirl April 25, 2013, 5:37 pm

    Flakier than a perfectly baked pie crust. Good luck LW.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark April 25, 2013, 6:45 pm

    Nothing stops a cheating heart like a marriage out of nowhere to some guy who likes the same bands and movies as you do… Wait till she finds out he secretly loathes Moo Goo Gai Pan, though.

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    Guy Friday April 25, 2013, 7:26 pm

    Also:

    ” Another reason was because he pretended to like and do certain things only because I did. Basically, he lied about knowing certain bands, movies, etc. when in reality he had no idea what or who I was talking about.”

    I’m not sure why this is a valid reason to break up with someone. Seriously? I mean, maybe it’s just me, but pretending to like a band my girlfriend is into to appease her doesn’t seem like some grave sin. Hell, I’ve gone to plays and musicals and shows galore that my wife likes but I’m meh about, and she’s done it for me. It’s called “trying to make your significant other happy.”

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay April 25, 2013, 8:09 pm

      I just saw an entire rom-com devoted to this topic. Not the most exciting plot line.

      Though I will say that I think there’s a line between showing an interest and doing things your SO likes and being fake/pretending to be someone you’re not. Listening to a band even if you don’t care about them is normal, whereas saying you loved a book that you never actually read is a little too much.

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      bondbabe April 26, 2013, 11:00 am

      Yes, I agree. I thought that was called “compromise.”

      You can’t have a relationship revolve exclusively around your likes/dislikes. Did she EVER do or like things he wanted to do/liked, but that she didn’t?

      I believe he is the one who dodged a bullet. And I would love to know what she told the co-worker about the relationship with the ex-boyfriend.

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    • meadowphoenix

      meadowphoenix April 26, 2013, 11:31 am

      It’s funny because I read it like he was trying to change himself so that she would like him more. I mean it’s one thing to go with your SO to a band that’s not your style; it’s another to pretend you know all their albums, put their lyrics on your facebook wall, and bye their merch when you’ve never heard of them before your SO. I’m just not sure why you would pretend to like a band your SO likes. Why would you need to pretend to enjoy it?

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  • avatar

    RacheyG April 26, 2013, 2:00 am

    Love isn’t found, it’s built. It’s a pity that people forget that.

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      anonymous April 26, 2013, 7:38 am

      What a beautiful statement. Thank you!

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