“My New Boyfriend is Jealous of My Dog!”
I have a small 5-year-old dog whom I’ve raised from a puppy; she’s basically like my child. The thing is that my boyfriend gets jealous of her and often will comment on how he doesn’t like her or resents her, and I’m getting weary of it. When we are together, I spend most of my time focused on him because our time together is limited. It’s not like he is competing with her for attention, and the very idea of that sounds so juvenile just to type it!
The bigger issue is that my boyfriend is questioning what he wants to do in life (he has a job that he hates and that takes a lot of his time and energy; he wants to get into another field, but doesn’t know what) and it seems like he has a lot of growing up to do. I try to be as supportive as possible in getting him to talk about his passions, his dreams, his future goals, and what he might want to do, as well as learning about his family and background and what drives his thoughts and actions. He can be very closed off, but we are slowly getting to know each other.
I know the idea that he is jealous of my dog and the affection I give her is symptomatic of a larger problem. He is a sweet, funny, giving guy who really cares about me, and I don’t want to give up on our relationship too quickly, but I am frustrated that we are having issues and arguments this early on. He is often moody and will regularly apologize to me for being a “grumpy old man” when he says things that hurt my feelings, often about my dog and how much he doesn’t like her, etc.
I’ve been agonizing over how much longer to give this relationship or what the right course of action should be. Do you have any advice? — Love Me, Love My Dog
So… he’s a moody, closed-off, immature 20-something who lives over an hour away in a terrible town, doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up, and resents your dog? Oh, girl, no. You’re 31 — not “old,” but definitely on the other side of putting up with this kind of crap. If you were 21, I might tell you to hang in there a little longer, especially if you legitimately enjoyed his company and weren’t “looking for a spouse.” But it could take years for your boyfriend to grow into the kind of man you’re looking for, and investing in someone’s potential is better left for employers or people who have years to wait and see, not girlfriends in 30s who hope to start a family soon. I say MOA.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Any time someone has an irrational hatred of your pet, you should MOA. And if your pet doesn’t trust the person you’re with, MOA.
At least, those are rules that I follow.
But what if the pet is an evil cat? [Kidding, come on]
I did have an evil cat growing up – it hated my brother. So we had to choose between them. I always wondered what happened to my brother…(totally kidding).
He’s jealous of your DOG?? Wow. That’s messed up. Quite honestly if someone didn’t like/resents my pet, I would MOA pretty much immediately.
WWS. The comments about your dog are enough for me to be like MOA, honestly, but read Wendy’s first sentence over again. Everything she packed in there are things YOU wrote about this guy, only condensed. He sounds like, to put it nicely, not…a catch. So let him go.
Um haven’t read this yet, but my advice from the title alone is dump him! Ok let me read it now.
So yeah, I’m going to stick with this, because after only three months in where this guy should still be on his best behavior, you are having to many doubts so I say MOA.
I’m not a pet person really, but even I think that’s super bizarre that he actually hates your dog and tells you that. How can someone even be jealous of a dog???
What Wendy said all the way, but I’m just curious: why do you think your boyfriend ” gets jealous” of your dog? You said the word “jealous” but I don’t see any examples of how/why he is jealous. The examples you gave sound like he just hates dogs, or hates just your dog, which may still be enough to move on. Is it really a “jealousy” issue though? I’m trying to wrap my head around how one could be jealous of a dog – “jealous” makes me think your boyfriend wants to be walked and have his belly rubbed and maybe if you could pick up his poo every once in awhile… I’m not just trying to be goofy, I’m just wondering if “jealousy” is really going on here, and if it is, I’m dying for some examples… I think this dude just hates dogs. Actually, it sounds like he hates everything. Grumpy old men at the ripe old age of 27, or any age really, are no fun at all.
So does your Boyfriend need more hugs? That is all I can think of. I think he needs more snuggle time.
MOA. It’s only been 3 months and he’s jealous of your dog? Come on. That’s a HUGE red flag. I could see if you were ignoring him when he comes over, and giving all your attention to the dog, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case at all. Imagine how this man react to a newborn child who needs almost all of your attention for it’s first few months?
Always pay attention to how people treat people/animals that they have some power over: waitstaff, cashiers, children and pets.
So you’re dating a man-child eh? MOA.
Three months is not long enough to be putting up with this. In reality, no time is. But this point in the relationship is about learning IF he’s a person you want to be with. A lot of people think that once you decide to date or find mutual interest that you’ve “chosen” them, but being exclusive doesn’t change the fact that you’re learning things about him and most of them seem very negative.
So, move on and find someone who isn’t jealous of your dog and whom is actually a pleasant person.
“I have a small 5-year-old dog whom I’ve raised from a puppy; she’s basically like my child.”
So, I agree with the general consensus that your boyfriend is a big man-baby and you should MOA. But I also think the fact that you compared your dog to a child is probably indicative of the way you treat it, and some people might think that’s weird/annoying/creepy. Like, I truly enjoy my dog, but my dog doesn’t sit on the furniture or sleep in the bed or eat food from the table, and I personally don’t think I could date someone who let their dogs do these things – and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. So maybe that’s where your boyfriend is coming from. That doesn’t give him a pass on being an asshole about it, but it might be something to consider or be aware of the next time around. If you’re super into the Pet as Child school of thought, you probably need to date someone who is also like that.
“investing in someone’s potential is better left for employers”
I chuckled at that! So true!!!!
I think disliking the pet of the person you’re dating is kind of a big deal. It’s similar to disliking their child. The pet will be around every day for years — it’s a big part of daily life. I briefly dated a guy and I’ll never tell him this — but I hated his dog. The dog was so irritating. He would jump on me constantly and bark at me, even after I’d given him a ton of attention. Dogs have personalities like humans — and this dog was extremely high strung and uptight. He was no fun to hang out with.
So I wonder if it’s not so much that the boyfriend is “jealous” of the dog — because that’s a little weird. But more that he’s irritated by the dog. Pet owners have a way of viewing their pets as the most precious, cute things, while outsiders can view them as a pain in the ass.
Especially in a long-distance relationship, I could see saying something like this in jest; I was in an LDR (now a SDR) for several years and I probably did occasionally joke that I was “jealous” of his dog because she was snuggling with him when I couldn’t be there, but I love the dog and boyfriend knows it.
But that’s not what he’s doing here. He’s making the comments repeatedly and in seriousness. This is the ramp-up to him trying to get you to get rid of the dog when you move closer together, I think. DTMFA.
So, one of my friends recently broke up with her boyfriend. They were LDR and the last weekend they were together (the weekend she ended it), she texted me the comments he made making fun of her dog. At that point in time I knew she was intent on ending it (had been talking about it for months but hadn’t pulled the trigger) and her ex’s remarks about her dog were what finally caused me to blurt (if blurting via text is possible), “That’d be an automatic dealbreaker for me.”
If a guy didn’t like my dog he’d be out the door. That would be akin to dating someone that didn’t like your child or your mother.
I just can’t even. Who doesn’t like dogs? There whole objective everyday is to give and receive love. Sociopaths normally hate animals before they kill people, just saying.
So since the dog thing seems to be adequately covered, I wanted to raise something else that popped into my head while reading this letter. 27 year old dude sounds like he is going through a quarter life crisis… not knowing what he wants in life, whining and complaining about things that he shouldn’t be (like the dog – it’s one thing if you are allergic or if the dog has scratched/bitten you before, in which case something should be said and appropriate actions taken – otherwise STFU already!), just basically aimless and driftless. Now some people can wallow a bit in this phase and come out of it like a champ… and others can’t. Maybe see how things progress for the next few months and reassess, but anyone that decides to make the dog a problem area instead of figuring out their own shit doesn’t give me much hope. And I say this as someone who was in an LDR with a 27 year old who had a full on crisis, went back to school, etc… and we are now married and happily together, but man it was rough for a year or two while he was figuring it out. Add onto that the fact that I was also older (basically the exact same age difference as you LW and your bf) and had already gone through a few of those stages in my own life… well the guy has to be worth it. Complaining about my pet would not make me want to stick around for the transition phase 😉
Question for you LW is how long to you give this guy to grow up? If you want a family and children, I think that the way someone treats an innocent creature can be very telling and indicative of the way in which that person would treat others as well…
Wait- how is he jealous of the dog? He doesn’t like the dog, obviously, and therefore the relationship is probably not gonna work out. I just don’t see the jealousy. Also, I don’t think it’s fair to call the boyfriend immature for not knowing what he wants to do with his life. He’s 27- that is extremely normal. My fiance didn’t start his business until he was 30. When I was 21, I dated a 27 year old who sold tickets at a movie theater and his goal at the time was to become a waiter at said theater. 6 years later he’s working for a prominent company. I have more stories like this! My pharmacist brother decided to go to pharmacy school when he was 27 or 28. My point is that if you’re looking for a guy who’s more settled and stable, I suggest dating guys a little bit older than 27.
Anytime a man is jealous of a girl’s pet to me mean he is incapable of showing devotion, time, attention, loyalty and can’t put you first.
It is not going to work because he is lacking some I think basic skills. Common sense skills.
Don’t ever get rid of your pet for someone. This person needs to learn unconditional love. Also dogs and small children can see through the person.
If he can’t accept your pet who has been your companion before you met him, he needs to go