My parents judged me for socializing as a kid. Now I feel bad for doing it at 26
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So, here’s the deal.
I didn’t start being homeschooled until I was 13. Thereafter came the soul-crushing loneliness, but before, I was in school and socialized.
My dad is a good guy. But, over the years, he’s made comments that implicitly or explicitly suggested that I put my friends over my family…that I cared too much what they think. When I copped normal attitude as a preteen, my dad would say, “Bet you would never treat your friends like this. You kiss their ass but treat your family like trash.”
Keep in mind, all I did was go to school and go home. And I genuinely liked to spend time with my parents. I never even hung out with classmates outside of school. I wasn’t the popular kid, but neither the kiss-ass pushover. I was just…normal.
I remember one time at 18. I was in college then, still living at home. I don’t remember what I did to upset him, but I know it wasn’t worthy of what he said in response: “You do this to me, but I bet if it was your friends, you’d fucking hop up in a minute to slobber all over their dick.”
When I was a kid, I can remember that if I was talking to classmates at times when my parents were there, I would try to temper how “into” them I looked, because I could imagine my parents remembering that moment if I did something to upset them later and claim “I’m all over my friends’ ass, but…” –– you know the rest.
And I realized last night –– at 26, moved away from my parents, hanging out at places where they’re literally not even there –– I still carry my parents’ judgment over my interactions. Overall, I feel like I’m doing something wrong/foolish for seeking out people, desiring deep friendship, and for giving them the same level of attention and care I give my family. I still hold myself back in conversations for no reason. It’s like the ghost of their judgments hangs over my life still.
How do I get over this?
Ok I’ll tell you again, your dad is not a good guy. Therapy is how you move past this.
You were abused and isolated by a controlling creep at best, and in some of your posts it sounds like intergenerational SA.
Like just look at the age you were when he started keeping you home, and the disgusting, sexualizing, degrading language he consistently uses to exert control over his daughters. You need to recognize that as a pattern of abuse and start to unpack it with a licensed therapist if you want to be able to move on.
Agreed, your dad is not a good person. Your dad’s job was to prepare you for being an adult, a normal and functional adult. Instead all of your interactions with people have been reframed in an alarmingly sexualized way. You need a professional to help you unpack your upbringing help you see that this was abuse and help you understand what a more “normal” father/daughter relationship is.
Go watch “Easy A” – that’s a more normal relationship between a dad and his kid.
I’m so sorry that you were subjected to this cruel treatment. You parents were small minded and controlling, your father’s sexualized comments add additional implications.
I agree with others that therapy is a good idea. Also lean on your friends. Your instincts to socialize are good ones, they can help you through this.
Best of luck.
Do you get that if you move into your late-20s continuing to insist that this is how a good guy behaves, that this is how love is expressed, you’re going to repeat this abusive pattern with men. You need to get serious now.
Yes. Can we please move past the posts with all different names, leaving out the prior info, and stating that dad is a good guy? I’d love to see these posts start to show some progress toward becoming a whole, independent person with a good life and healthy relationships.
I can’t recall when TacoTuesday started posting, I have no real sense of time on these forums, but I feel like she’s been 26 for years.
Like, I feel like her/him writing this very graphic stuff is a way of making people read it. It feels like flashing your CSA at us for fun or something, but how can this be fun for you?
Act it out with your therapist, a paid professional.
I realize you’re not forcing us but this is highly disturbing material and is really inappropriate to write this stuff out. You are disturbing others by doing this. It’s unwanted. How many times do we have to say it? Can you just make your own website where you write down your creepy memories and thoughts about your NiceGuyDad who makes sexual comments and shames you?
It’s gross to read and you need help.
I think this is someone who hasn’t gone to therapy and keeps thinking if the story is told a different way — new details, some changed, others omitted — that maybe the response and reaction will be different? I don’t know.
I did not have this specific experience growing up, but I did experience one controlling parent and a fair amount of instability, all of which took a mental and emotional toll, things that lingered into my 20s because they went unaddressed. I could not wait to be independent — it meant distance from an unhealthy environment and the ability to actually seek therapy without parental involvement. I can relate to the feeling of wishing the home you grew up in had been very different and even grappling with whether or not something someone did to you rises to the level of abuse… I cannot relate at all to someone who doesn’t take steps to help themselves.
Literally every post you write here is alarming. The response is always going to be therapy. I know there are very real barriers to accessing a good therapist you vibe with, but you’ve been posting here for a pretty long while showing zero signs of growth. There’s nothing anyone can say on a forum that will take the place of working with a trained mental health professional who specializes in your area of distress when your issues are of this magnitude, LW.
