TacoTuesday here.
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Hey, guys. TacoTuesday here.
I want to clear up some things.
I *did* move out over a year ago. The reason why my IP address is close to my first one is because I only moved 45 minutes away, what I could afford to do at the time. I’ve made big strides in trying new things, meeting new people, and so much healing this past year. I might move further in the future.
A couple of weeks ago, when spending time with my mom, she asked me why I’ve been becoming distant. I’ve been calling my parents a lot less, usually once a month. When they call, it’s rare I answer their calls; we only infrequently text.
So, I admitted to her that there are a number of things she and my father have done over the years that are baffling to me. The never socializing us while being homeschooled. My dad choosing to reunite with my half-brother when he found out he was in jail, but kicking out his daughters for nothing and calling them out their names. I told her I think my dad resents my half-siblings. I mentioned a couple of other things that bothered me about their parenting.
My mom…I know she loves me to death. But her response confirmed how oblivious she’s been. She was genuinely 100% shocked we were isolated, even mentioned some sport my brother joined as “proof” of his socialization when he actually stopped attending at 4 years old and wasn’t in anything since. The questions she asked smh…”So you think he’s some social misfit now? You think your dad resents his kids?” I asked her directly would she do to me how they kicked my sisters out, and she said no, and I asked why she did that to them, she said, “Well, they didn’t want to be here anyway.”
She was still open, reflective, very teary, but still, so oblivious. A couple of days later we went to see a movie, and she asked the question I know she would: “So have you been talking to your half-siblings lately?” Not only have I not, but I know my mom+dad would see my comments as my siblings “putting things in my head” and turning me away from them.
I kinda regret being honest with her, but I only did it to get it off my chest because the distancing has been noticeable. I don’t expect nor want an apology or explanation…there’s really none that can be given.
And so, none of us have called each other for the past two weeks. Just my mom texting every now and then. I don’t see the point in attending Christmas, but obviously that’s something I have to say before it arrives. And I don’t know how to say it either. Especially when I call, it will no doubt lead to the conversation my mom and I had some time ago, my dad confronting me about it and…
It’s like after trying to slowly back out their lives, now I’m being pushed to a place to say verbally and finally, “I want nothing to do with you anymore.”
I’m willing to go no-contact with my dad (but still, how to say that) and stay in limited contact with my mom.
Good on you for being ready to take that next step.
I think you need to be prepared for when you go no-contact with your dad, that keeping in contact with your mom may be impossible. It seems pretty clear she’s pretty under his control as well. Whatever contact you have with her, assume anything you say will get back to him.
Good luck in getting and maintaining distance. I know these things are difficult, but your father has shown himself to be a toxic hurricane. There is no benefit he can provide to your life.
I am glad that you’re moving forward. I’m struck by what your mom said about your siblings moving out “well they didn’t want to be here anyway” that says so so so much about your parents and I don’t think you need to discuss further with your mom.
My interpretation of that statement is two-fold: 1. if they wanted to be here, they’d follow the rules and put up with the vile crap that spews from your father and 2. If they don’t want to be here, then I don’t want them here. That’s an amazing combination of callousness, authoritarianism and indifference to have with a child. It’s clear that your parents don’t see children as individuals.
P.S. I saw your post on Reddit and saw that you got almost identical comments – I hope that you’re beginning to see that your father’s behavior is not normal. Not normal at all.
You don’t have to announce that you’re going no contact or why. You can just do things without telling your parents why.
Any time you connect to an alternative internet connection outside your home, you’ll be assigned a brand new IP address based on your location and the devices you’re using.
I know that from being the moderator here for years, but you can google it.
Your mother cannot help you make sense of this situation. You really need to stop trying to get her to help you figure this out or agree with you that it’s fucked up. She is one of your abusers, IMO. Enabling abuse is abuse. Being so damaged you can’t see a man sexualizing his own children maybe isn’t her directly abusing you, but she is complacent. She is an adult who was tasked to protect you and she hasn’t.
You’ve said in other posts that you are in therapy. I noticed you didn’t mention that. You really should try to get into therapy.
The “then we went to a movie line,” screamed fake to me, TT. If you’re going to go on Reddit and lie later, try to make it more believable.
TT, I truly hope you get therapy.
