“Verbally Abusive adult Child Wants Money”
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From a LW:
“My adult daughter is verbally and mentally abusive to me quite often. She gets mad at other people and takes it out on me. Her Dad is constantly messing up and I get yelled at and told she hates me among other awful hateful things. Her Dad/my husband cancels plans with her last minute and I have to be the one to tell her, etc. But it’s me that constantly gets yelled at not him. She will yell and be nasty to me then ask him for money again and again. She is in her mid twenties and lives with her fiancee and child. We gave her a car. When she lived at home she paid for nothing – not even gas or insurance. We have paid for thousands of dollars in medical, dental, eye and pharmacy bills. Not to mention after she quit a really great internship – we lent her thousands of dollars interest free for her college tuition. When she mentioned quitting the internship I told her that was a huge mistake to give up such a wonderful opportunity. Also, I said never quit a job until you have another job. Then, she didn’t work again for a couple years. Then she finally got a job after graduating but got let go before a year. Then didn’t work again. She never paid a penny back and has no intention of doing so.
I keep telling my husband he shouldn’t give her money when she is so disrespectful and nasty to me. He yells and screams, he’ll do what he wants. Yes, he also has a terrible temper and is a very difficult, nasty person. I think he should have my back. Although, he never has my back.
So two problems. One – my daughter’s temper and awful behavior. Two – my husband’s behavior and not having my back.
The only reason I want to continue contact with my daughter is because of my sweet grandchild. I feel bad for the child because the Dad also has a temper. How can I manage this situation? This situation is having extreme effects on my health. “
I keep telling my husband he shouldn’t give her money when she is so disrespectful and nasty to me. He yells and screams, he’ll do what he wants. Yes, he also has a terrible temper and is a very difficult, nasty person. I think he should have my back. Although, he never has my back.
You married someone who yells and screams, and doesn’t respect you. It’s no surprise to me that your daughter behaves the exact same way, because that is how she has been taught by BOTH of you to treat you. She is in her mid twenties and he is choosing to support her.
Why have you stayed with a man who never has your back and yells and screams at you? You don’t seem very happy and don’t seem to enjoy your family, except for your grandchild.
Perhaps you could start going to therapy and discussing this with a professional.
I also want to say, stop holding all you e done to support your child over her. That’s what parents are supposed to do- support their children. If you both had done a better job of teaching respect and responsibility perhaps she wouldn’t need so much help. She is in her mid twenties- that’s not very old to me. You can’t even rent a car until you’re 25.
There are a lot of issues here, but if you don’t want to be yelled at, don’t be his messenger. Make boundaries.
Agree that the pattern of abuse was set by your husband. Your daughter does this because her father set the precedent, when anything goes wrong it’s your fault. You are the family punching bag. Only you can decide whether or not time with your granddaughter is enough to put up with this nonsense. While I do understand it, I also worry that within a short time your granddaughter is going to pick up on this behavior and your heart is going to break all over again.
This is a heart-breaking situation. The issues as you’ve listed them place you in a passive role. You can’t change anyone else; the question is, do you WANT to change yourself? I’m not victim-blaming to say that everyone in a family has a role in the family script, and as LisforLeslie said, your role is to be the family punching bag. Can you even imagine a life without being yelled at? If it was me, I would start to lock down my finances, squirrel away money, consult a lawyer (top secretly), and yes, see a therapist (without asking permission). These are all things I had to do, but they didn’t free me from the ugly relationship with my child (which directly aggravated a stress-related medical condition, and which in part was a result of the teen treating me the way my ex had). That will take time and strongly set boundaries (which your husband will not accept & which you will need support in form of therapy to make & keep). If you don’t want to leap into the unknown, you can always start with setting a simple boundary, “I won’t be spoken to that way” then walk away. Remember, if there’s no you, there’s no you in your granddaughter’s life.
Please quietly consult a lawyer. You are in an abusive relationship with your husband. That should be your first priority. Please get some help on getting out of this situation. Once you are gone, you will no longer be the deliverer of bad daddy news. Your daughter can deal with him on her own and they can yell at and abuse each other without you in the mix. It is unfortunate you stayed with this abuser who modeled how to act (aka now your daughter is abusive) and modeled what type of husband she should have (yeah an abuser), but now you need to put on your own oxygen mask and get out.
