Baby Shower Advice
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Hi, this is all pretty trivial but I need a good rant and some advice on this from strangers online! I’m 21 weeks pregnant & my mom is currently planning my baby shower. I knew going in that there would be some issues with her planning it, as she’s controlling & as my therapist has agreed very likely has narcissistic personality disorder in addition to some other things. Not just using that as the social media buzzword it seems to be nowadays, but legit NPD. I’m currently not in the place yet situationally to go no-contact with her or even low contact, but I do my best nowadays to set boundaries and what have you. I knew with her planning my baby shower I would wind up annoyed at some point but my closest friends all have major things going on in their life that would take priority over planning a party, as well as aren’t really on time for things and a bit more flighty / loosey goosey than you’d want in someone in charge of invites and deadlines and stuff, even if it’s just for a party. So I figured despite the annoyance of my mom that would probably occur, that she was the better option, but now I’m regretting my decision. She keeps insisting on inviting a woman I used to work with – let’s call her Sharon here. Sharon used to volunteer at a place I worked for last over 4 years ago, and I was a regular full time employee whereas she was only there 3 hours per week. Sharon was older and a very sweet person, but being my grandmother’s age and only seeing her 3 hours per week max, it’s not like we were particularly close. I left that job over 4 years ago & have stayed in contact with some people (who I’d like at my baby shower), but I haven’t stayed in contact with Sharon. I could see possibly inviting her because I’m inviting others from that past job, and so for her not to feel excluded, BUT she doesn’t work there anymore, I’m pretty sure moved out of state, and she doesn’t like the people at that former job anymore. So… why would I invite her? Wouldn’t it be weird to receive an invite from someone over 4 years later that you barely knew and weren’t close to and you have no current connection to? Also doesn’t that just scream “give me baby shower presents!”? And I don’t want my baby shower to be about presents (those are nice of course) but I want it to be about celebrating this time in my life and this new baby and just seeing people I care about and who hopefully care about me too. Anyways, so my mom keeps insisting that I invite Sharon even though I’ve explicitly told her numerous times no, and sometimes explaining why. This evening she emailed me a list of the people discussed to be invited and requested their addresses from me for the invites. Sharon was on the list. I texted her again saying Sharon is a no, I don’t want her invited as it would be weird, I haven’t seen her in over 4 years and that she doesn’t get along with the owners and workers anymore etc. My mom was like, “oh that’s okay if you don’t have her address, I’m sure I can get it from [ex employer], I’ll just stop by there at some point and ask for it.” I told her no, and she said again, that she could do it, it wouldn’t be any trouble. And I again repeated no, she finally said only “okay”. But I know “okay” all on it’s own really means she thinks I’m wrong and for some reason REALLY wants Sharon there and will likely go behind my back and go to my ex place of work asking for her address…. Basically I’m just looking for validation that my mom is being crazy and that I probably shouldn’t invite Sharon, and that I’m right in saying no and being frustrated that she’s a) obsessed with Sharon for no apparent reason and b) likely going to go to my ex place of work (who does that???). So if y’all could provide validation that I’m not crazy, she is, that would be awesome. Unless of course you think I’m in the wrong here, then do speak up.
I think it’s wild that you let your mom who you think has NPD plan a baby shower for you, and this is the big/only issue you’re having! Like, whoa, could have been so much worse. Is it weird? Sure. Is it that big a deal, I don’t think so. I would say let it go. Either your mom (who you’ve allowed to plan this) really thinks this woman should be invited, or she’s messing with you and the more you protest, the more she wants to invite her. The worst that’s going to happen is Sharon gets an invite and, as a grown woman, figures out what she wants to do about that, from throwing out the invite all the way to showing up. She’s got options. And if you let it go, your mom might too. It’s not going to be easy for her to get this woman’s address.
Anyway, I think this is minor compared to what could happen if you let someone with NPD plan your baby shower. I do have some other thoughts but you didn’t ask for them.
Other thoughts being why in the $&@! did I let her plan my baby shower? Yeahhhh…
That’s true, it could be much much worse. And I’m sure as time goes on with the planning & the actual event there’ll be things way worse than this. I just really felt like I didn’t have anyone else to plan it so I’d let her, seeing she’s still a presence in my life, but I probably should’ve done it all on my own. I had made the decision when I was feeling awful and dealing with severe morning sickness, with no way of knowing when it would end, so it didn’t occur to me that I would be capable of planning it myself. Which now I could have but oh well..
You did go into it with your eyes wide open.
I guess my thoughts are like, you’re an adult in, I would guess, at least your mid-20s given the employment history, and you’re about to be a parent, but you’re not able to set the boundaries you know you should set with your mom, who you believe has a serious personality disorder, and you don’t have a strong enough friend network that one or two of them could plan a shower for you. To me that situation sounds concerning, and you’ll need to figure out what kind of parameters you’re going to set around your mom’s time with your child. The situation with Sharon, in comparison, sounds really minor. Like, I get it, but are you focusing on that to avoid worrying about the bigger picture? Are you going to be able to get your priorities straight?
I agree with Kate here. Your mom insisting on inviting Sharon is weird, no doubt, and maybe she will go behind your back and find her address and invite her against your wishes and that’ll be awkward but, as Kate says, Sharon will either decide to come or not. In the end, if this is the biggest issue with the baby shower, it’s not that big of a deal and you’re getting off lucky.
Traditionally, grandmothers-to-be aren’t even supposed to host baby showers. They’re meant to be thrown by close friends, aunts, or even co-workers. So, if you wanted to go by “rules” of etiquette, you’d have had a great excuse for your mom not to host your baby shower. And if you didn’t have anyone else to host it, you could also wait until the baby was born and host a “sip-and-see” where guests are invited to come see the new baby (and typically bring a gift). This would’ve been a great way to avoid your narcissistic mother being in charge while also celebrating this time in your life and your new baby and seeing people you care about.
Anyway, I point all of this out not to shame or blame you but to maybe underscore that you have easy ways of avoiding potential conflict with your mother that you aren’t using, and going forward, maybe it would benefit you to pursue the paths of least resistance with her. That doesn’t mean you have to go no or low-contact with your mom, but creating better boundaries will help protect your energy, and you’re going to need your energy as you transition into motherhood yourself.
Yeah I don’t think they would provide that info either, though it’s easy enough in the US to Google someone’s address. It would be so ridiculous for mom in this case to stop by that business and ask for former employees’ addresses.
Seems fairly insensitive and inappropriate to me to call someone “crazy” if they have “legit NPD.”
However, I do understand why you are frustrated. I would be in your shoes, too. I think letting her invite Sharon isn’t a huge deal, though yes, a bit awkward. But it’s fine. Sharon will likely do what pretty much all of us have done when we’ve received an invite that felt like a gift grab or very out of the blue and politely decline. (Heck, I’ve declined events that I actually would’ve happily attended on account of being out of state. Sharon has all the polite excuses in the world not to go!) It’s fine.
Not to pile on, but I agree with the others that as a to-be parent, you need to start working on defining boundaries and employing mechanisms to deal with your mother. I know grey rocking is the typical but in this case I think you need to learn how to deflect and distract -honestly it’s going to help you when that kid is a toddler. So when your mom decided Sharon was on the guest list, you could have simply said yes and then continued to forget to provide her address or tell your mom that you heard she moved and you don’t have the address. Unless your mom hangs out with this woman (and it’s clear she doesn’t because then she could get this address) what does your mom care? She cares because you said “no” and no one says no to someone with NPD.
You’re going to need to figure out how to keep her at arm’s length and now is the time to start practicing techniques.
Yeah, wow. You’re about to be a mother and you can’t stand up and say what you want with your own mom. I don’t think it’s nice to call s9meine crazy or NPD and believe me, my mom is likely full of undiagnosed things but hats beside the point, it is no different Han if she is a drunk, or physically abusive, or racist, you let her have whatever hold and control over your life. You have allowed her to run rampant on your life, it seems to the point that you don’t feel comfortable saying hell no to your self described NPD mom, well hoo baby, buck up and get a different therapist or tell yours that you need actionable methods for coping with your OVERBEARING mother ASAP now before she’s bottle feeding your baby, or exclusively feeding him coconut milk or whatever crazy scheme she is going to have. That should be your concern, not Sharon, although that sounds really embarrassing and weird.
You need to start setting boundaries with her now or you are going to lose your mind when yo7 are a new mom and she’s mothering your baby and you are in the back, washing diapers. Seriously, snap out of it. This is a big deal.
I’m sorry if I’m harsh but you need a wake up call. You control the relationship with her. Stop this bullshit now, before she named your son and picks out his nickname, too. You give her the control she has over your life. Make some boundaries.
Good luck with the baby, and all the Sharon’s.
I don’t mean bottle feeding is bad, it’s just she is going to make all the decisions if you keep floating through your life letting her run your showers, etc.
(Why oh why is she planning it? How did that happen? Is she a party planner?)
