“Do Her Mixed Signals Mean She Wants Me Back?”
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From a LW:
“I recently was broken up with, in so many ways, with my girlfriend (if that’s what we were) of 3-4 months. She gave me the “I don’t have the emotional capacity right now to be in a relationship, but if I did it would be with you” speech. Our relationship always had some struggles and mostly it was her communication problems. This then drove out poor responses by me, to be fair. But we seemed to still look at us as a couple going places, although she didn’t talk about the future.
I tried to work things out and come up with a less pressure relationship (i.e. she was feeling somewhat uneasy about bf/gf labels/telling people around her we are dating). So definitely cold feet. The confusing part is that she said things in the break up that made me so confused…
She said things like “I don’t expect you to wait, but I’m still in love with you, and I’m always here for you.” Or, “I’ve never been this close to someone or had such a strong connection, but getting so close really freaked me out.”
I think she has commitment issues but the mixed signals makes me think she needs time but I also feel she isn’t interested in me. I wrote her one final time, after she sent this text, and said that I have no problem giving her space but I would need more details in terms of a time line or I can’t wait. I also asked her where her thoughts are about me romantically because it is difficult to read her interest level. I sent this over 3 days ago and haven’t heard back.
I’m devastated and want her so badly but if I chase her she will probably distance herself more and I’ll look pathetic. From your experience have you heard of breakups like this where mixed messaging is used and confused the person so much?”
I don’t think her signals have been mixed at all. She was pretty clear in telling you she didn’t have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship and that it felt uncomfortable getting so close with someone. You can love someone – as she says she loves you – and not be ready for a relationship, just as she has said is the case. There’s nothing confusing about this; YOU are making it confusing because you don’t understand how someone could be in love and not want a relationship. But your POV and your feelings are just that – they are YOURS, not hers.
Your ex has a different perspective, and the status of your breakup isn’t really contingent on your understanding or appreciating her perspective. You being confused here, when her message was actually pretty clear, doesn’t mean your ex is confused and it doesn’t mean that she actually wants to be back with you.
For you own sake, you need to accept that this relationship is over and you need to move on. If you two ever do get back together, it isn’t going to be right on the heels of your breakup – it’s going to be after time and soul-searching (on her part). You don’t do yourself any favors by waiting around for this to happen when your ex has repeatedly said she doesn’t want a relationship, she’s afraid of being too close with anyone, and she doesn’t expect you to wait for her.
I mean… were you ever in a committed relationship? It sounds like you are unsure from the “my girlfriend (if that’s what we ever were).”
Anyway, to answer your question, I think sometimes when we are broken hearted, we don’t see things clearly and interpret words and actions the way we want to, so we feel confused and misled by words and actions that are actually pretty straightforward. Right now you want to feel confused and misled because it means, to you, that there’s still hope. But when someone breaks up with you, the reasons don’t really matter and the things they say when they break up with us to soften the blow don’t really matter. What matters it that they are saying they don’t want to be in a relationship and ending things. That is what you need to focus on, not reading between the lines. Not to mention if what you want is to be in a committed relationship, you shouldn’t be compromising that by trying to “come up with a less pressure relationship.” That’s betraying yourself for someone else.
If you’re hurt and down in the dumps about this, that’s normal and okay, but it’s time to start finding small ways to move forward. Delete/block her anywhere you’ll be tempted to reach out or otherwise set yourself back. Do fun things with friends. Join a rec sports league. Volunteer.
Yeah, it’s over, but I’d counter with telling you that this wasn’t a good relationship to begin with.
You were 3-4 months in, and your “relationship always had some struggles” caused by her “communication problems” and your “poor responses”? This is dysfunctional. Relationships that early on are supposed to be easy, because you haven’t faced any real challenging things (money, kids, etc.) yet. It’s the honeymoon phase, and already you’re having problems.
Work on yourself (no more “poor responses” – whatever that means) in the future, and think about why you are so desperate to hold onto what is clearly not working. If you can’t be happy with yourself, you’re not going to be happy with someone else.
I don’t see the mixed signals. She’s saying she doesn’t want you to wait- that’s not a mixed signal. You questioned whether you were even in a relationship, which means you weren’t. She’s trying to let you down easily. Best to give her space and find someone else.
I think when someone is breaking up with you before you’ve even started dating, and you respond with “tell me your interest level, I’m finding it hard to gauge-“ and they don’t respond for days…that is an answer, sadly. She’s not responding to you because she is not interested and that response made it seem like you don’t understand that. Maybe at one time she was interested in dating you or thought she could be but it’s changed now.
No one owes you extra communication especially if you’re not dating.
To everyone that has responded thus far, I appreciate it, but I disagree with her mixed signals. “I don’t expect you to wait around, but I’m still in love with you” is mixed signals. I agree it is letting me down softly which is CONFUSING and unclear. Me asking for clarity is important, in my opinion. Saying things like “I’ve never felt as strongly about someone, and connected to someone, as I do you.” I can handle criticism by these responses, but everyone else I’ve talked to says that she is incredibly confusing. Did she truly love me, well obviously no if she doesn’t want to pursue something with me. For context, the biggest issue is that she wouldn’t mention basic things that I requested, in a calm way, to make me feel secure. Naivete on my end, possibly. She works as a new piercer at a tattoo studio and when I asked her, about two months into the relationship, what do the guys know about your relationship status (i.e., works with all men) and she comes back with “they don’t.” After further exploration in asking why, she said “I’m a private person.” I would leave it but return to it periodically because it made me really uncomfortable – I’m more of an anxious attachment, but really now more secure for the most part with basic level needs met. We were also LDR and this didn’t help and where communication needed to be better, but she continued to refuse to meet my needs and I would meet many of hers. So yes, I would get angry after she would shut down and not speak when asked direct questions…since I posted this there was one more reach out in requesting to respect my time. She responded but vague again. I then told her that this said all I need to know. I’m sure I looked possessive and needy, but this avoidant person drove that side out of me. She lacks communication, despite what people here say, and she is selfish in always putting her needs first. I also feel she has a fearful avoidant/dismissive avoidant attachment style with some covert narcissistic traits – went hot and cold pretty quickly. I went wrong in working too hard on “the relationship” and getting too upset and becoming unattractive in being needy. What still remains is she was unclear AF!
People you’ve talked to – they care about you, know you and don’t want to disappoint up you in the future. I don’t care about your feelings really. I mean, I do, I guess in theory- but I’d rather be a real pal and tell you the truth to your face and not have you waste more of your time pining after a girl who CLEARLY has broken up with you and you weren’t ever dating. Every single one of us have probably broken up with someone and used those exact same phrases. Seriously, I have more than once. And I meant them at the time. It is called “trying to let you down easy.” She also cares about you, – she said loves you- and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. This is how young women are taught to “preserve the friendship.” Would it really be better if she told you exactly what it is about you she didn’t like? No, it wouldn’t. It’s called “letting you down in a socially acceptable way.” She doesn’t like you romantically and it won’t change, especially if you keep being weird about it. I don’t think you are owning up to whatever your “bad responses” to her “bad communication” with you. What was that about?
The real answer is she hasn’t responded to you. It is over. Realize it, accept it and move on.
How old are you?
You are one of those guys who takes the word “love” to mean she really loved you. Is this your first of second person you’re calling your girlfriend who balked and backed away at that label?
You weren’t in an LDR, you said you weren’t dating in your first post. She was getting to know you. She told you she didn’t tell people she was seeing you. Did you ever meet IRL? No? Then it is not real. I’m sorry this is disappointing to hear but it is very easy to see what happened and where you went wrong. No one owes you information or details of their life to you unless they want to give it. You were a pushy guy about it, at the very least and that clinched it for her. She was up to get to know you and something happened where you pushed too hard and reacted badly and that’s too pushy and bad in a relationship. It’s too pushy and bad in the process of trying to start a friendship with someone, which is what you were doing. You didn’t like where it was going, she didn’t want the label and she’s telling you very clearly, I like you as a person (women are warmer and use the word love a lot more freely) but I don’t want that. And your message to her in your first post where you asked her how long do you think? And what’s your emotional temperature regarding me? That told her you didn’t get it.
IRL dating and stop label on people right away. Just because she didn’t want to tell her internet stranger boyfriend details abut her real life does not make her avoidant, it probably makes her smart considering she doesn’t really know you, right?
“I’m in love with you as a person” is her trying to tell you she likes you as a person. If she really loved you romantically shed be saying, I love you romantically and want to be with you.”
There’s a very clear difference, even if you don’t hear or see it.
Be mad or whatever but she doesn’t like you, it’s fine. Not everyone is going to like you. I don’t like most people, that’s the whole point of finding the right people. It’s make them seem so much better for you and perfect because they will actually like you and be interested in you and WANT to tell you about their life. She didn’t. It’s fine, take the hit and move on. Get some ice cream.
Nope, we met. I had her come visit me down South. I also had her visit me up North. We were a couple and she said it several times. “I love you and see a future with you,” shouldn’t equate to not mentioning my existence. I like blunt, but damn you people have zero empathy to the situation. I get it, I drove her away with wanting to move forward but she was in the wrong for leading me on. She even admitted to this, which is noble. But the point is how could we correct this? She couldn’t answer and means she is self-absorbed. I value truth, not BS. Asking your “partner” to have better communication after, let’s say, fleeting feelings/love bombing isn’t strange. It is called wanting something good to work, because we were good outside of moving things forward. She knows it was good and self-sabotaged to get me to the point where it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now what is this site I went on again…Come to have your ego further destroyed? I digress
You literally said you weren’t dating in your first post? And are literally trickling in details of an extensive relationship so how am I to know? I’m sorry my bluntness offends you. I’m mostly right.
How has your ego been destroyed? I have said nothing about your personality and I know nothing about you. I’m just telling you she has no interest in you.
Or did you want to go to “tell me what I want to hear, only.com?” Dude you could have lead with the details instead of making it seem like an internet dating situation. I can only give advice off the details you give. You made it sound like you weren’t dating and barely knew her. We get a lot of people like that. So sorry to have deeply hurt your ego.
