This is a very long story.
To sum it up, my boyfriend of almost 10 years hangs out with people that disrespect me and our relationship behind my back because some of them are long-time friends that he doesn’t want to lose. I don’t know what to do or how to go about talking to him about it, especially because we are currently long distance (I will have been away May-August, for a career opportunity).
Any advice or help?
Thanks in advance.

The full, long story:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 10 years and he is the only person in my life that I have ever fully trusted and truly loved. We plan on spending the rest of our lives together, as we are each other’s greatest friend.

He has always hung out with his hometown friend group while living at home, which includes his ex. I had no issues with this, as her and I used to be friends, never left off on a sour note, and they were never serious (basic high school relationship).

However, three years ago while watching a hockey game with his friends at her house, after my BF was extremely drunk, his ex (who doesn’t drink) tried to take advantage of him. Instead of telling me right away, he was convinced that he cheated on me and proceeded to keep it a secret for a YEAR.
Over the next year he became increasingly anxious, stressed out, and closed off. When he finally told me what had happened, it was pretty obvious that he was almost blackout drunk as he didn’t even know how he got home that night.
I felt totally betrayed for so many reasons, mainly that:
1-he thought he cheated and didn’t tell me outright
2-we continued hanging out with her and at her home for that whole year, and she even came camping with us (our friend group) several days after the incident. I had also invited her camping with us the summer after (annual friends trip).

For the next year I had to swallow my tongue because my BF did not want to lose his friends over her, and I respected his wishes. Mentally, I was ok with this, but my heart cracks every time I have to hear about her or hear her mentioned.

By the one year mark, nothing had changed and our annual camping trip came up again. I was not feeling great with the way things were going in regards to how he spent more time hanging out with his friends at her place than he did with me at mine. I had brought it up before the trip, and he assured me that he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of holding his attention.

I guess his friends noticed that I was kind of distant and unhappy during the trip, so they essentially isolated me by myself, and took him away to hang out elsewhere (they pretty much just left me alone at the beach to look after everyone’s towels for almost the whole trip). I think he was distracted by being the centre of attention with his friends because on the last afternoon of the trip, he took me out on the water to have a chat away from everyone. Things became emotional and got to the point where I told him I was at my limit and that I didn’t know what to do, that my trust was broken, and that I felt very disrespected. I am a very private person, and he is the only person I have ever let get close to me. At this point, some of his friends decided to join us on the water, and ignored his requests to leave us be. As they approached, I became overwhelmed and swam to shore alone.

Upon reaching the campsite I was upset and needed time to calm down, so I packed up my toiletries and headed for the showers. I was feeling a lot better afterward until I heard someone say my name outside the shower door, as I was getting dressed. Ex and her brother (part of the friend group) didn’t know I was at the showers and were loudly talking about how they don’t think I deserve my BF, and that they think I’m a miserable bitch who will only make BFs life miserable, etc. (I’ll say this right now for clarification– we love each other endlessly and I’m the one telling him to wait on getting married until the timing is right)

I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I was in a terrible TV movie about ‘the dangers of gossiping’.
I waited and silently listened as they went so far as to ask why I was even invited on the trip, since I’m always miserable (remember, this is my camping trip that I invited them to).

After they had audibly left, I made my way in tears back to the campsite. I made a B-line for my tent, where I quietly sobbed until I heard the site clear out. When I came out, my brother, our close friend, and BF were back so I told them what happened. Thankfully, they were all appalled by what I told them.
In turn, they told me that when I came back sobbing, the rest of the group rallied around ex and her brother because (as we now know) it upset them to know that I heard them.

I decided to play it cool for the rest of the evening because I didn’t want to be the person who ruined the trip, and after it was just the four of us at the fire I calmly told them that I heard everything and that what I heard was incredibly disrespectful, out of pocket, and ill-informed. They both gave me phony non-apologies. The next morning I woke up to the sound of my brother and one of the other friends in a heated conversation about how friend thinks I’m jealous of ex because of the lies ex had told the group to explain why I was crying, and that BFs friends would side with ex any day over BF even though they are childhood friends.

Packing up the campsite was difficult because everyone on ex’s site was staring at us like a bunch of gossiped-up 12 year olds (literally pointing and whispering). It was very obvious that ex had been feeding them lies about me all morning.

In spite of this and how I was getting bullied to my face, BF didn’t say anything and asked my brother and I not to do anything, because he didn’t want to make a scene and lose friends.

After the trip BF promised that he would talk to all of his friends 1-on-1 and tell them the whole story beginning to end. This was a year ago, he has only had this talk with 3 of 6 people, and doesn’t want to carry on with this anymore because he just wants to move past it. I fully understand where he’s coming from, but I feel like I don’t have closure.

He promised me that he would cut her out of his life (ie. not hang out if she was around etc.), and it was going well until I went away for the summer for work.

Currently, I am finishing up the 10th out of 15 weeks working across the country. BF flies out at the end of my work term and will be driving back home with me.
This evening I saw that he was at exs house while we were briefly on facetime (just saying hello after work).

I don’t know what to do or how to talk to him about how this violates my trust and makes me feel like he doesn’t care about making me feel respected in this aspect of our relationship. He doesn’t want to honour my boundaries in regards to a person who doesn’t respect me, our relationship, or him. His friends don’t really care that much about him (they’ve literally said this themselves), yet he chooses to keep hanging out with them and to be complacent with the disrespect.

I don’t know what to do. I love him- we are planning a future together- but I am stuck in a perpetual cycle where I get upset and he says he’s working on it.

I feel like I have been deeply hurting and dealing with it alone for so long, and I don’t know what to do without making him feel like I’m randomly blowing up and him and that I don’t trust him, especially since I’m so far away and the end of our long distance is near.

I guess I’m just asking for any advice or help or validation etc.

Thanks,
Cas