“He Cheated and I Set His Belongings on Fire”
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From a LW:
“Last week I found out that my husband has been having an affair for over two years, and the affair began while we were still in the dating phase. I am completely shattered by this. Despite me settling all of his belongings on fire in the backyard, he said he doesn’t want a divorce and appears remorseful about it. I quit my job and moved my son to a different state to be with him. I also am in grad school and have my internship where we currently live. I met with his mistress to speak “woman to woman” seeking answers, but I left with more questions. Even though this has been one of my most painful experiences, I still love him. I just don’t know if we should try to work through this or if I should leave. — Conflicted“
Well, I feel like you’ve already done enough things. You’ve really just got to decide if the relationship is worth saving. You’ve indulged your wrath by burning his belongings and you don’t feel any better about it. You met the mistress and don’t feel any better about this.
You need to decide what (if anything) it is that will make you okay with this. From where I’m sitting I can’t imagine how this guy can put things right with you, and you have other things going on that probably deserve more of your focus. It seems like this relationship is best left in the past.
Well, you’re certainly a firecracker. I think you need to recognise the depth of your feelings brought you to what could have been a dangerous place (criminal damage charges?) as well as setting a poor example to your son as to how to cope with such life events. When you go back and try to carry on, and you again find out he’s cheating (because he definitely will), might the depth of your feelings lead you to even worse conduct? Conduct that could lose you custody of your son, your place on a grad course or career progression? Give yourself credit for upping sticks, moving, and getting on a grad program, and then put your big girl pants on and work out life without sitting atop a ticking time bomb.
What would make you want to stay in this marriage? Is it financial security? What do you get from your husband that you can’t find in yourself or through other people in your life? Likely, not very much. And this situation doesn’t sound like a healthy or safe environment for your son. Loving someone isn’t enough reason to stay married. You need trust, common goals, good communication, mutual respect, and emotional security.
If your school offers low or no-cost counseling – often, graduate students in psychology must meet a certain number of hours of counseling for their degrees and that’s offered to fellow students at low or no cost – please look into it for yourself. I think talking through some of this stuff and processing your thoughts and feelings with an unbiased confidant could help you.
