“Do I Have to Go to My Sister-in-Law’s Baby Shower?”
She did not even wish me congratulations. She called me two weeks later at midnight, drunk, to tell me she wanted to start trying immediately, and congrats. Very odd! During my entire pregnancy, I saw her once (they live in another state), and I think she asked how the baby was maybe two times.
Once my daughter was born it took one week for my brother-in-law to call (after my husband told his brother to) and two weeks for my SIL to call (after I told my mother-in-law that she had not called). I had to send them a text message to wish them congrats on becoming an aunt and uncle to even get a text response which was a few days after my daughter’s birth.
We all went on vacation together when my daughter was two months old, and they did not want to be around her at all. I made every attempt on our trip to go with the flow — not to complain when they wanted to go to restaurants that did not allow strollers or had other issues that made it difficult for us with a newborn. My sister-in-law was having a bad day and screamed at me about my daughter, saying that she was sick of having to hover over her. I never asked anything of anyone the entire vacation. They did not even hold her.
My daughter is 10 months old now and my husband and I are yet to get a text, phone call or email asking how she is. My sister-in-law is now five months pregnant. It took her a year to get pregnant and I am very happy for them. However, it is hard to want to do anything or go out of my way to show them that I’m happy for them. I am incredibly hurt. I still call and text most times without a response just to see how everything is going in her pregnancy.
Now my question: my mother-in-law is going to give her a baby shower that my sister-in-law will fly in for. Do I have to help? — Bitter SIL
Short answer: No. Don’t offer to help and say no if you’re asked. Longer answer: why do you keep trying? Your SIL was probably struggling with infertility in a deeper way than you were aware of, and she may still be nervous about her current pregnancy. Unfortunately, she’s not able to be the kind of family member you want – not now, and maybe not ever. I’m sorry that you don’t have the relationship you’d like to have with her, but this bitterness and resentment that keeps building up isn’t going to help. Quit trying so hard, it’s not happening. At least for now. Set some boundaries, and lower your expectations way down. Stop texting and calling to ask how her pregnancy is going. And just accept that she doesn’t want a relationship with you right now. Focus instead on the people who DO want a relationship with you and your daughter. Do you have sisters of your own? Or SILs on your own side of the family? How about friends? How about your mom or mother-in-law? Do any of these people show interest in you and your daughter? If so, embrace that. Celebrate the fact that you have people in your life who care about you. And accept that you aren’t going to be besties — or even friends — with your out-of-state, snotty SIL.
And who knows — maybe once your SIL becomes a mother, that common bond will unite you. Or maybe it won’t. But if you quit expecting anything from her or wishing for any kind of relationship with her or interest from her in your daughter, you won’t be as disappointed when she fails to live up to expectations (because there won’t be any). And maybe you’ll actually be pleasantly surprised if motherhood makes a human out of her and she extends some semblance of compassion and loyalty your way. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
No, you don’t have to go. Wendy’s right about that. But I think it’s worth going anyway.
She called you drunk (and I’m assuming upset) two weeks after you told her you were pregnant, and doesn’t talk to you for the length of your pregnancy or shortly after, That doesn’t raise a red flag to you that something may be going on in her life that she hasn’t discussed about? Honestly, how do you know she wasn’t ALREADY trying? Because when I read that line, my very first thought was “she’s really frustrated about you being able to have a baby and her not being able to.” And — fairly or unfairly — I can see it being a shame spiral: she snaps at you, and then she feels bad about it, so she stays away, and then you get close and she snaps again, and . . . you get the picture.
I know I’m going to get dinged for this, but I think you sound incredibly selfish in this letter, even if I know you don’t mean to be. The entire letter reads like you’re saying “How could she not be happy for me? How can she not want to hold my adorable baby? Why can’t she just be happy for me like everyone else is?” It’s like you’re so consumed with yourself and your baby that you’re not even seeing the obvious signs of her distress right in front of you. And now, when she may finally have exactly what she’s always wanted, you’re deciding to be petty and go tit-for-tat. And, yes, you have the right to do that, and you could justify it, but my grandfather always told me that it’s important to do the right thing for people even if they don’t deserve it.
So, my opinion? Go to the baby shower. Try to pull her aside quietly at some point after it’s done, and really talk to her about what’s going on. Tell her that you want to be a part of her life but that you were hurt by how you’ve interacted lately and you just want to try to figure out if there was something you did or something you didn’t know about that caused it. If she still blows you off . . . well, OK, keep your distance. But she may surprise you and you two might be able to hash things out.
Yes!!! My thoughts exactly. Infertility is the deepest pain, and it seems plain your SIL was dealing with it. Letter writer does seem self absorbed with her pregnancy and now her baby. Not everyone wants to see, hear or interact with someone else’s baby.
I’m guessing, not that it excuses her behavior in the least, that either a) she’d wanted to start trying far sooner than they did, but brother in law wanted to wait or they had to wait for some reason, and she resented you for having what she couldn’t or b) it took them far longer or it was a much more difficult process to conceive than she chose to share with you, and she resented you for having what she couldn’t.
Or she thinks its weird that her brother in law’s wife is calling her and texting her so much and she doesn’t want that kind of relationship. Or she’s just a mean person. I agree with Wendy that at this point you probably have to accept that she is not interested in having the kind of close relationship that you are interested in having, and give up. And if she comes around, great. If not, at least you’ll have moved on to building supportive friendships with others who are interested in being your friend.
I am going to differ on this. Do you have to go? Yes. Not for this person but for your husband and your MIL. If you need to help, think of it as helping your MIL and not your SIL. I think if you didn’t go, it would embarrass your MIL and she seems to be trying her best.
“I had to send them a text message to wish them congrats on becoming an aunt and uncle to even get a text response”
I would send a friend who had just become an aunt a congratulory text, but I can’t imagine a NEW MOTHER sending such a text. The congratulations are normally going to the mom! This sentence just struck me as incredibly passive-aggressive. “Congrats on how MY bundle of joy will enrich your life!”
Folks who are actually moms, am I off-base here?
Unless the person has expressed crazy amounts of joy at the prospect of becoming and aunt or an uncle, I’m with you. I know my 18 year old SIL was excited as SHIT to become an aunt, so a message like that would have been appropriate, but sending it to a grown woman who hasn’t seemed all that excited about becoming an Aunt…?? Seems a little weird to me, too.
You’re right. LW keeps testing the SIL, trying to prove her point that SIL is not a good person.
She should let it go…
I agree. LW is coming across as too “look at me!” The SIL is a bit rude, but honestly, I can’t stand an overly “look at my baby I am going to assume everyone is as obsessed as me.” Mindset. Be the better person. Go to the shower, and do NOT make it about your child.
I’m thinking SIL’s issues probably have nothing to do with you, lw. It’s obvious she was struggling with fertility issues if it took her more than a year to get pregnant (I’m guessing they were trying before they found out you were pregnant). Two month olds are difficult to travel with and often so are their sleep-deprived, still-adjusting parents. SIL was obviously considering this more of a vacation time than a family-bonding trip. It hurts when when people disappoint and reject you. But a lot of time, it really does has nothing to do with you and it is more of a reflection of the other person’s struggles and failings. I would do what Wendy said and adjust your expectations. You are not going to have the friendship you wish you had. I would wish her well and accept where she is without over-reaching. It will be much better for you not to hold on to your hurt feelings.
It sounds to me like you’re really forcing yourself and your family on your SIL. There’s no rule that says you have to be super close, especially when you live in different states! I like all 3 of my SILs, and all 3 live in different states, and I’d say that we have pretty good relationships. That said, I don’t call them or send them text messages all the time. I don’t try to force it. You she’s only 5 months pregnant but you’ve called multiple times to see how her pregnancy is going. BACK OFF. This is a person who obviously doesn’t like talking to you on the phone (since she’s not calling you back), and you keep calling!! Give the poor woman some space.
As for the shower, if you’re asked to help, it would be nice to help, since you’re obviously interested in your SIL and your neice/nephew. But don’t offer your help unless you MIL asks you. Quit forcing yourself into these relationships.
Instead of asking if you have to, think about if you’ll be asked to and what that will involve. Picking up a cake at a certain time or baking some cookies, probably won’t be the worst thing ever. Also like others have said back off. Don’t try so hard. If you have a relationship with her you do, if you don’t you don’t. Also why would you tell your MIL or your husband that the bil/sil hadn’t called? Are you 12? Are you tattling on them? Do you really want a forced congrats so bad? Why do you need that from them? Basically instead of focusing all of this negative energy on your sil focus on your family and stop trying so hard!
Who sends a text congratulating someone on becoming an aunt/uncle??
No, you don’t have to go. But it will be the nail in the coffin of your relationship. I’d go, be polite, give a nice gift, and go home. Be the bigger (less crazy) person.
This letter is centered around the LW and her baby and how the SIL treated her during and after the pregnancy. My advice would differ greatly depending on if this is normal SIL behavior, or just started happening with the LW getting pregnant.
Regardless, I don’t think you necessarily need to help MIL with the shower, but I think you should at least attend and wish her well. Holding onto resentment and anger sucks. Well, it does for me anyway. So, I say let it go. And if in the long run, the SIL still sucks, you can limit your interactions, but she will always, theoretically always, be part of your life in some way. Why not be the pleasant one? Not only will you feel better about the situation, others will see the kindness too.
Since when do “vacation” and “2 month old” belong in the same sentence? That wasn’t very nice of me! Sorry, LW. I think you need to back off and concentrate on your own family. I can’t imagine how an out of state SIL affects your life in any way. Good Luck!
Be cool, LW. I think you want this too much. You sound a lot like my mom – constantly wanting to do things for people and checking in to show you care. I’m pretty much the opposite, possibly in reaction to this – I find it really overbearing and claustrophobic when people are constantly asking how I am (current example: my dad is dealing with stage IV cancer and I hate constantly being asked how he’s doing even though I love that people care. It’s irrationally annoying to me). Anyways, if your SIL isn’t into keeping in constant contact, just let it go. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you. And honestly, I would have lost my shit if I had to go on vacation with someone else’s 2-month old. Don’t keep forcing yourself on her because that’ll probably just drive you further apart. Go to the baby shower if it’s not a huge inconvenience for you, but respect that she doesn’t have the same desire to be close as you do.
Your SIL obviously was suffering from fertility problems and must have felt like you were parading your baby in front of her. I can’t imagine the pain of infertility- couples who are going through that should be given some leeway to pull back from normal baby-centric activities.
Were you expecting individual phone calls congratulating you from everyone you know? one person in a couple called my husband to say congrats then that couple has done their duty.
LW, First, I think you should attend the shower (assuming that it is happening so close to you). I also think you should consider helping your MIL with the shower. Hear me out. Your MIL is going to give your SIL a nice shower whether you help your MIL or not. Helping out with the shower isn’t really for the SIL: she’ll get a shower either way. Helping with the shower for your MIL.
Second, I agree with WEES – your SIL’s fertility store is probably longer and more complicated than you realize. If this is true, your SIL was having fertility issues while you were on vacation together. Possibly even with hormones inside of her.
Third, I don’t think you should hold the vacation against your SIL too much. I use my (precious little) vacation time to travel to see my out of state family (which includes my beautiful, smart twin nieces). But while I’m on my vacation, I don’t want to be limited by my nieces all the time. I did not make the life decision to have children at this time. I should be able to eat at a nice restaurant on my vacation. And holding babies is tricky. It sounds like your relationship with your SIL was fractured during the vacation (and, yes, part of that is because of your texts to her). When a relationship is frayed, it’s hard to ask if you can hold a baby – I’ve heard new mothers who feel jilted say “no” to requests to hold their babies. It’s rare. You probably wouldn’t have said “no.” But the chance was there. And you SIL didn’t want to take it. But maybe you offered to let her hold your baby and this is a moot point. But I think you would have included that in your letter. Again, not saying that you would have said no – but saying that your SIL wasn’t exactly in a place to be rational about babies.
I’m with everyone else that thinks the SIL was suffering from infertility. They’d probably been trying when you got pregnant, and then they had to try for another year (which can feel like forever! especially when their SILs get pregnant at the drop of a hat). This stress combined with an already difficult personality spells disaster. How would you like if you couldn’t get pregnant, but then had to spend your entire vacation around a brand new baby? It could be really really hard. She could also be terrified that she’s going to lose this baby, so maybe she doesn’t want a ton of questions asking how her pregnancy is going. Maybe she thinks you were insensitive to their fertility problems.
I would go to the shower to be polite if it’s within driving distance. If she’s rude to you at the shower, then that reflects on her not you.
LW, On the infertility front. My husband and I tried a year before we told people we were trying. We are now over two years into our struggles and I have had 2 miscarriages. I will tell you that I have sobbed over other people getting pregnant and having carefree pregnancies. I don’t like holding other people’s babies for fear of crying. My second pregnancy was not joyful because I knew it was a possibility that I would lose the baby. So when we told family, they were so excited and I was very reserved about it and we ended up losing that baby too. So while you are writing excited texts or wondering why she isn’t loving your baby enough, maybe she is sobbing the whole car ride home after your visits.
This sounded so “Me, me, me” that I can’t fathom why you care at all about your SIL. You don’t seem to. All you seem to care about is her reaction to YOU. Let me clear something up – she doesn’t seem to care about you. You now have my permission to not give a rat’s ass about her in return. Does that make you feel better? Feign interest at social gatherings and for your husband/MIL’s sakes, but other than that, keep your distance, since we know you want to.
I would honestly just suck it up and go to the shower. Buy a gift, smile, talk to people. I used to think the absence of my presence at events like this was the perfect “f you” to someone I couldn’t stand, but really it’s just petty. You are family, keep it civil but distant. And some of the things you wrote do sound somewhat selfish and annoying (sorry!)- like congratulating someone else on becoming an aunt or uncle? To me that sounds similar to congratulating your sister-in-law on getting a new sister when you married into the family. You don’t congratulate people on stuff that happened to you. Maybe you were just excited and upset about their lack of excitement, but just don’t.
Like others have mentioned, you really don’t know if your sister-in-law was struggling with having a baby and then to get your congrats you’re an aunt text and seemingly incessant texts/phone calls/etc may have been a bit much for her. Also, I love children but a trip with a two-month old sounds like a nightmare unless they were my own kid.
Sometimes, sister-in-laws aren’t the best of friends and that’s fine. I am no huge fan of my sister-in-law and I used to try to force this overly friendly relationship when I finally realized our personalities/values/lifestyles our so different, it just wasn’t going to happen.
I can relate to both sides of this story to an extent. My SO and I have been trying for sooooooo long to have a child, so when my younger sister (who was 19 @ the time) got preggers and wasn’t sure she even wanted my nefew I kept my distance. I love my sister, but I was severely depressed about the whole situation. We’ve been trying for yrs and her pregnancy was a “OOPS”. My sis kept trying to force me to be part of everything, doctors appointments, baby shopping etc etc etc. And I kept pushing her away. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for her, bc I truly was-especially when she decided to keep the baby- I was just trying to work out my own feelings of depression, being a failure as a woman and the like. But once I explained this to my sister, she understood and gave me space to figure it all out. Once I over came what was going on with me, I was able to share in her happiness with her. The reason I am sharing this story is bc you don’t know what was going on with your SIL during the time of your pregnancy, nor did you bother to ask. You just kept forcing your happiness in her face and then took her rejection as a personal slight against your pregnancy/daughter and your self. This scenerio might not even have been the case of your SIL, and she might not have cared just bc she didn’t care, idk. I do think that pregnancy is a touchy subject for alot of women, and if the person is not happy or acting happy for you there can be a number of reasons why. Maybe she doesn’t want a close relationship with you and your new family, maybe she was going through her own issues, who knows. But stop trying to force something that is not there. And if it bothers you that much, maybe you can try to have a conversation with your SIL to see if you guys can eventually become closer in the future. Sorry, I ended up rambling away with this. 🙂
I guess I disagree with everyone here but I am in complete agreement with Wendy. Just quit trying so hard. You can’t FORCE the relationship with her you want. And yeah, it might be petty, but don’t bother going. It’s only going to build resentment. I would be offended if my sibling, or my spouses sibling, or my spouses siblings wife (is this confusing yet?) didn’t care about an addition to my and THEIR family. Like holy fuck you are related to that little creature that just came out of me. Aren’t you excited?
And for everyone crying that she might have fertility issues – okay maybe that’s true. But if she’s so self absorbed that she can’t be excited for the LW, fuck her. She’s petty and deserves a reality check that her problems don’t rule the world. This is me not being sympathetic. Someone’s pain shouldn’t have to diminish another person’s happiness. The LW shouldn’t have to stop expressing her joy just because someone around her is sad. ESPECIALLY when the SIL could see that this new baby is her joy too.
And it’s pretty fucking pathetic to not even send a congrats text when someone – let alone a family member – has a baby. That’s the bare bones minimum to decent human behavior. Unless the SIL doesn’t consider the LW family – in which case – WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO GO TO THE SHOWER.
And I will never understand why it’s socially acceptable to cry over another person’s happiness. People don’t have babies AT you. I will never understand why people have no shame in admitting stuff like that, it’s embarrassing.
Both of the women in this letter come off as self-absorbed to me. It does seem like the SIL had fertility issues and that is why she was distant to the LW. But, I mean, at times, we have to put others’ happiness before our own pain if we want to maintain relationships with them, particularly when they are family. The SIL’s fertility issues may be the most important thing to her, but they don’t give her an excuse to disappoint others. By that same token, the LW seems to think the world should stop and begin to revolve around her because she had a baby. The baby may be the most important thing to her, but it isn’t to other people. Sorry, LW. There needs to be some give and take here. SIL should have reached out to LW because she knew the LW wanted her to do so. LW should have understood that sometimes other people have things that are bigger to them than her going on. And, in any event, playing tit for tat and saying “I’m not going to this baby shower because you didn’t do it for me” is just childish and petty. Go for the sake of your MIL, your husband and family harmony, LW. If all is as you believe, then you will be the bigger person, and you may learn that your SIL wasn’t intentionally slighting you.
The way I read this the LW and SIL are both married to brothers. I don’t understand why the LW and the SIL have to have much direct communication. Honestly, I’m not that close to my SIL (my husband’s sister) and I’d bet good money I didn’t call or email when she had her second and third children because we just don’t really do that. BUT my husband called and emailed and sent my good wishes and passed along news to me. I know a SIL is a part of you expanded family but I think it’s really on the original family (family of origin?) members to communicate. I guess that puts me firmly in the stop trying so hard category. However, I also don’t think the LW should retaliate or try and freeze out the SIL. If the shower is local, go. Support your MIL and force smiles because this is family and you want to maintain the ability to be friendly at family events. If it isn’t local, I agree with send a gift/note and that’s that. After the shower, don’t try so hard. If you aren’t putting in a bunch of effort that isn’t being recipricated I bet you’ll stop feeling so resentful.
I can’t really speak to the specifics of this situation (since the LW is seemingly only upset at the ABSENCE of communication- not communication itself), but I can say that I’m in a similar boat with a soon-to-be SIL of mine and Wendy is spot on. My advice? Stop taking it so personally.
The relationship with my SIL has ebbed and flowed, but basically been toxic from the beginning. I’ve tried to “start over” with her multiple times only to be disappointed down the line. But I’m learning that sometimes the people in my life are not who I want them to be and there’s nothing I can do about it but extract them from my life- or in this case, with family, change my expectations. Accept that it’s not about ME, but instead it’s her own bullshit. And after a couple years of this nonsense I’m finally able to step outside of the bubble and see that I’m not the only person in SIL’s life that she has a really hard time getting along with. (I’m on my phone so sorry this is so rambly!)
I’ve decided to simply give her the same amount of my time and energy that I would give an acquaintance. Be cordial and kind. That’s all she deserves from me at this point. I’d urge you to do the same, LW. Don’t flame the fire or you’ll come across as the asshole. Buy her a nice gift and show the kind of enthusiasm you would have wanted whenever the baby arrives. You’ll be better for it.
Anytime someone feels the need to spell out how hard they try to be a good person, I’m immediately skeptical of how successful their efforts are. And this letter didn’t let me down. The entire time I was reading this, I was rolling my eyes. LW, this woman owes you nothing, despite what you seem to think. You should get used to the idea that most people do not care about your pregnancy and baby anywhere near as much as you do. They are living their own lives, most of which take place outside your “Me and my baby” bubble. It would be nice if she were excited about this along with you, but you sound so narcissistic in this letter, it’s like it never occurred to you that she might have her own stuff going on. I’m not excusing her rudeness (drunk dialing, yelling on vacation), but you really sound like a piece of work. As for the baby shower, since you’d probably spend the entire time sulking about how no one was paying enough attention to YOUR baby, it might be better for everyone if you made yourself scarce.
I say don’t go. You can use the ” I have a baby and travelling is too difficult” card for a while so use it. Send a onsie and a card and wish her well and that is it.
Separate from my alternate theory above (that the SIL and husband are bor and sis and she was the older one and it wasn’t fertility issues at all, just feeling usurped in her place in the family – i.e. she should have the first grandkid) can I just say that I totally disagree with some of the comments shitting all over the vacation? OMG a vacation doesn’t involve a 2 month old type stuff, because that’s not true at all. Sounded more like a family reunion, annual or somewhat regular type of thing and regardless of whether it was infertility issues or general being an asshole issues – the SIL chose to attend a vacation where SHE KNEW a 2 month old would be there. If she couldn’t handle it for one reason or another she had the ability to not go or to discretely give a heads up to family in advance that she wasn’t completely ok… if she just wanted a relaxing vacation instead of dealing with an infant, that’s even more on her. If that piece of the letter is true there is NO reason to yell or scream at someone just because your vision of fun hasn’t been attained or you have to work around others. I mean it’s a family vacation… isn’t working around the schedules and whims of the family part of the deal? Don’t like it, then take your own vacay 🙂
Really, you HAD to send a text message to congratulate them on becoming Aunt and Uncle? What would have happened if you hadn’t sent that message– anything bad? My guess is nothing. This just sounds like a super passive-aggressive way to FORCE Aunt and Uncle to congratulate you, in turn, on giving birth, after you congratulate them on their new status as aunt/uncle. Honestly, you should be glad they even responded, I think I would have ignored a text like that. Would it have been nice of them to text you right away? Sure. But they didn’t and a forced congratulations isn’t much better than silence, in my opinion.
Sometimes, people don’t react to things in your life the way you wish they would. SIL and BIL are these people– they are not living up to your expectations on how they should behave. You can’t force them to change, and sending passive-aggressive texts is not the way to go. Instead, WWS, lower your expectations.
I think the LW and sil are just not going to have a close relationship and thats ok. The fact that they both married two brothers is all that seems to bind them and sometimes thats not enough to have a ‘relationship’ Also, if the SIl was on fertility drugs, can that explain some of the cray cray behavior? From what I’ve read, that shit is INTENSE. Like, PMS pregnancy menopause combined on some women’s systems. its a HUGE deal to be pumped up with so many hormones and throwing your body out of sync on purpose. OF course it’ll impact moods. So IDK give her a break and since things were never close, its no real surprise. Just smile and be pleasant, show up for things but stop forcing a relationship. Let your husband and his brother decide how much of an uncle he wants to be and how close the cousins are.
Does anyone else hate baby showers? To me they’re like the fifth circle of hell. “Oooo”ing and “ahhhh”ing over the baby bump, diaper cake, whatever. I love kids but I kind of hate some of the baby shower traditions.
I assume, like many others, that the SIL was having fertility problems and was having a hard time with it. Obviously, the screaming at you was a little much, but in reading all the lengthy descriptions of times when the SIL didn’t ask you enough questions about your baby, I wanted to ask, so what?
Go or don’t go to the shower, but I do think there are better things to think about than quantifying someone’s caring for you, especially when it’s someone you’re not super close with and don’t have that close bond with to begin with.
I have several thoughts on this. I posted my initial post when I was in a rush and literally ONLY read Wendy’s advice. At the time — this letter just struck me very odd. Many of you all touched on the fertility issues that could possibly explain — if not exonerate the sister in law. Everybody has already made that argument rather well. I have nothing to add there.
But what struck me strange was all this anger and sadness about missing texts.
Seriously? I have a GREAT relationship with my brother-inlaw — but I like NEVER text him. Ever. Nor do I call him on his phone. Do people REALLY do this? To me, it really seems like the LW is constantly expecting a command performance from those who meet her offspring — an attitude that is most likely and most possibly very offputting.
I agree about the texting. First of all, the brother called a week later. (Which should cover the “congratulations!” from the SIL as well). A week doesn’t sound that long, especially to us without kids. I would think “well you may be in the hospital for a couple of days, then getting settled in back home, and I don’t want to call the person who gave birth because they’re probably exhausted between recovering and breastfeeding, etc”. A phone call is worth a lot more than a text.
Sometimes it’s best to not try to be best friends with a SIL. I am always cordial and polite and observe typical protocals with my SIL for the sake of my brother. They live far away
I do not attempt to become friends with SIL because she is self-absorbed, arrogant, rude, and insulting to people she cannot use in some way (including me).
I sent presents to my young niece that were unacknowledged by my brother or SIL, so I now instead contribute monthly to a college education fund for my niece.
I continue to send birthday gifts (items requested by my SIL) to my SIL with a nice card even though SIL consistently and repeatedly sends me birthday gifts that are clearly regifts. Example: For my last birthday, she mailed me a scented “Thank you for being a great teacher” candle. I am not a teacher. She is.
One year SIL asked what I wanted for a bday present. I requested a donation (of any amount) to a charity that is near and dear to my heart. She made a donation to her favorite charity and explained the cause she supports is better than the one I support. I took the high road. At least a donation was made to a good cause.
One year SIL sent me a present that made no sense to me, but I didn’t say that. She later explained (without prompting) that she sent me what she wished for so I would know what to get her for her next birthday.
Christmas presents were the same. When my niece was born, I suggested that we adults stop exchanging Christmas presents “so we could instead focus on their child/my niece.'” For my niece for Christmas, I contribute to the education fund.
I don’t complain to my brother. He is quietly unhappy in his marriage but wants to stick it out. I value my relationship with him, so I ignore the pettiness of his wife. I seldom have to be around her and that is for the best. The times I have talked on the phone with SIL, 100% of the conversation was about her.
With SILs, sometimes a polite relationship with infrequent contact is best.
Wow. You set a powerful example of following a path along the lines of Wendy’s advice. You are definitely a better person than I am—the temptation to re-gift in return would be hard to resist. But I suppose the point is that if you sank to her level, the ensuing drama would be pinned on you. And to be kind to others who are impacted by this behaviour can never be wrong.
I think you don’t have to be involved in SIL’s baby shower. She seems very rude regardless if she was suffering from infertility. Having health issues doesn’t excuse rude behavior. Just take a step back and don’t force this relationship. Follow Wendy’s advice. Sometimes we have great dreams on how we want relationships to work and sometimes it just doesn’t work that way.
We were the first to have kids and we couldn’t wait for BIL and SIL to have kids and join us on the parenting journey. Later when they had kids they were horrible parents. They let their kids run wild, their child was constantly beating up on our child. It was not anything like we’d hoped. Sometimes you just have to let go of the dream and distance yourself from it.