Quickie: “Should I Have an Affair with My Married Co-Worker”
Last week, after some time of silence, she invited me out to happy hour today and told me, out of the blue, that she is getting a divorce but was not heartbroken about it. Is she giving me signals that she is interested in something? We are both very busy professionals, with little time for fun things. My marriage has lost its sex life for similar reasons, and I could really use some fun. How do I check out if we are on the same level and how do I make it work, while keeping it strictly physical and discrete? — Looking for Fun
It’s naive to think that going to a gala with a co-worker as a date when both of you are married is totally innocent — almost as innocent as thinking you could have some “strictly physical” and “discrete” fun with a co-worker, when one of you is married and the other is getting divorced, and not have it blow up in your face disastrously. The quick answer to your question is that your co-worker is most definitely giving you signals that she’s interested in “something” with you. The longer answer is that you’d be an absolute fool to return the signals and act on them.
If your marriage is lacking sex and fun because you work so damn much, here’s a crazy idea: make your marriage a bigger priority than work. If you’re looking for someone to have fun with, here’s a thought: start with your wife before hitting up the woman at work. If you don’t, it won’t just be your marriage you fuck up.
***************
Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
My advice before and after reading the letter is the same: NO.
The longer I’ve thought about this, the madder I’ve gotten. LW, you’re a liar and a coward. You have time for “fun things” with your coworker, you just don’t want to put the effort in with your wife. You, clearly, also don’t have enough balls to have the conversation that you’re unhappy with your marriage. So you know what? Go ahead. Cheat. Let your wife dump your ass so you don’t have to do anything (and she can find someone better). No decision making on your part. No effort. After all, that’s what you really want, isn’t it?
Agree with Wendy, and also just an observation that I’ve heard gossip about SEVERAL couples hooking up at my company. That’s not to say I’ve heard about all of them, but definitely enough that you know word gets around even when people are trying to be discrete.
*discreet
Ha, thanks, This was bothering me.
yay for discreet 🙂
Please don’t cheat on your wife. As Ice Cube said, you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. And your marriage.
Always a good start to the morning when someone makes an Ice Cube reference
Here I think it’s gone past “check” and into “CHIKKITY CHECK before you wriggedy WRECK” territory.
Absolutely. And I didn’t even have to use my AK!
Oh this one’s easy! You get a divorce and then ask her out.
Dear Wendy,
What is the best way to have NSA sex without my wife finding out?
–Cheaty McDouchewad
.
You’re not gonna find that advice here, buddy.
Seriously! He should have gone to an MRA website if he wanted advice on how to screw over women.
I thought this was written by a woman! I’m sure the advice would be the same though. No one is going to say “yeah, cheat” on this website!
I actually did too.
Same here.
I can’t stand people like you, LW. I really, really can’t. This is going to be mean, so stop reading if you can’t handle it.
*
LW, you’re a jerk. You really, really are. If something is lacking in your marriage, why don’t you attempt to fix it? Maybe you have, I don’t know, you didn’t mention it. But my guess is you haven’t. In your letter you don’t ask for advice on how to overcome your feelings for this woman. You ask for advice on how to cheat and not get caught. You’re a jerk. If you want to hook up with your coworker, then do it. Just tell your wife first. Tell her that something is lacking in your relationship and that it’s not working for you anymore. You owe it to her to be honest. People like you really make me sick.
But Bethany… working on your marriage would be HARD and take up TIME and require me to be a functioning ADULT… whereas slipping my coworker and little bit during the workday, or when I’m pretending to work would be FUN and EXCITING. Why can’t people understand that? Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too!?! I WANNA HAVE NO STRINGS SEX WHILE STAYING MARRIED… why can’t people understand that!?!
.
Note… the above is all sarcasm. I agree with Bethany and the rest here entirely. At least your coworker is getting a divorce (or she is saying that she is). Forget your wife for a second LW, show yourself some freaking self-respect and be a mature adult instead of a whiny selfish idiotic ass. The notion that you think you can just have a physical relationship with someone, discreetly, while at work, someone that you’ve already been talking to and mooning over… well it goes to show that the blood is all rushing to the wrong head. Take a step back and prioritize your marriage… or prioritize your divorce. Either way, what you are pondering now is going to blow up in your face and I hope it hurts!
It IS hard to find the time to invest in a marriage. How do you fit that in with all the happy hours, and gym workouts and galas you take other women to?
No. Just no. I mean, if you are so busy you don’t have time for sex with your wife…I just can’t even.
Maybe your marriage has been suffering partly because you’ve kind of been dating this lady? I mean, you’re “talking a lot” and going to happy hour/gym together and extremely physically attracted to her- if you weren’t married, it would sound like you were casually dating.
If you don’t want to fix your marriage- get a divorce. Don’t be an asshole who cheats. It’s a fucked up, selfish thing to do. If you don’t want a divorce- try to fix your marriage! Talk to your wife and tell her that you are unhappy. Jeeze. Just don’t cheat.
Argh, in agreement with everyone else. Reasons NOT to hook up with this lady:
1) You’re married. You say you don’t have much free time. Maybe you would have more free time and you could re-connect with your wife if you weren’t hanging out with this other lady so much. So go home after work. Take your wife to the gym with you instead of this lady. Get happy hour with your wife!! You’ll have a ton of free time when you stop hanging out with this other woman, so start spending some of that time in counseling with your wife. You’re on very thin ice here. Really picture what your life will be like when you’re divorced (because if you do this, your wife will most likely find out or at least know something is up). Do you really want your life to be like that?
2) She’s your COWORKER. What’s worse than hooking up with someone you work with? Hooking up with someone you work with when one of you is still married.
3) You’re married.
Why would you get married if you think so little of it? This isn’t an instance of “I was black out drunk and don’t remember” or “my wife has been sick for 5 years and can’t have sex anymore.” This is “I don’t want to work on my marriage because that is hard and I am lazy.” Fuck that. You made a promise to her and yourself that you would work on it. Instead of taking this coworker out (btw terrible idea for your career) take your wife out. Treat her like she is your girlfriend. Talk to her, cuddle, go out on dates. Genuinely open up to your wife and be vulnerable in front of her. Do this for 6 months, give it your all. Then if you still feel that a piece of strange is worth losing your marriage, get a divorce and then have sex with your coworker. Doing it any other way makes you scum and you can’t shower that off.
“How do I check out if we are on the same level and how do I make it work, while keeping it strictly physical and discrete?” <– REALLY? Where on this site were you given the impression that this is the place to get this kind of advice? Nowhere. Which is why I think you, LW, are a troll.
She probably is giving you signals, but I’m sure she’ll run once she sees your micropenis. Ass.
My marriage has been platonic for the last 10 years because her cancer treatments have annihilated her libido. I’d love to have an affair but my per-marriage experience ratifies that casual sex doesn’t stay that way. In short order someone wants more and everyone gets beat up. It’s not worth the short term pleasure. I’ve seen it happen many times with other couples. This co-worker is in a vulnerable situation and would likely jump your bones but you would both pay a high toll on the exit ramp.
You’re a stand up guy Fast Eddie!
I know which side of the toast has butter one it. Sometime it’s very tempting, and my fantasies run ramped (not that I get offers) but I just wont risk my prime rib roast for a slice of cheese cake.
Cheating with a co-worker is impossible to keep hidden and tongues WILL flap. She’s only risking her job but he’s could loose much more.
I reeeally like this comment.
Please don’t. Just don’t. No matter how much sex there is or isn’t in your marriage, please don’t. As a person who has been cheated on, my advice is to walk away…quickly…back to your wife. Talk to your wife, get therapy with your wife, and then, if things don’t improve, plan your divorce with your wife. Don’t cheat.
LW, here is my wish for you: I hope you get everything you are asking for. I hope you get a big, fat bill from your wife’s divorce lawyer. I hope you get a big, fat pink slip from your boss. And I hope you get them on the same day. Jerk.
And herpes. Don’t forget about the herpes.
Oh yeah, and herpes. Thanks for reminding me. HERPES!
Here’s a great piece of advice:
Don’t have a relationship with your co worker. Just don’t do it.
In life, we may want to do a lot of things, but just because the desire is there, doesn’t mean we have to succumb to it. If you want to have relations with other people, end your marriage.
What if you reallllyyyyy want to? Or say “but I WANNNNAAAAAA?” Does that change anything tmd?
Well I guess if you really REALLY wannaaaaa…
Not. ☺️
Exactly, we were given brains and the tools for logic and reason. This sets us above the animal kingdom. Giving in to animalistic sexual urges is something we can avoid. We are not rutting deer, we are not a horny dog. We are humans, and should be expected to act like it.
In all fairness, AK, lots of men are horny dogs. Some of us have just learned to shake a paw.
Why isn’t his first thought to have fun with his wife? I get it, the day to day grind can get you down, but holy fuck I bet your wife is really fun (to you) – you married her! I’m guessing you didn’t marry someone that you thought sucks. So go out of town on a trip. Buy her lingerie. Get day drunk on a Saturday on a patio. Buy a puppy!
.
Banging your co-worker is taking the lazy, easy way out.
He can’t have fun with his wife, she’s home with the kids when he’s out dating his co-worker! I know we don’t know this but I’m sure it’s a good bet.
As the new owner of young dog I’ve gotta say, getting a puppy is not all fun and games!! Someone had diarrhea on the floor this morning, and it wasn’t me or Dave…
But seriously, YES. have fun with your wife! Why is it that so many people stop having fun with their spouses?
I’ve never understood that either, why people stop having fun with their spouse.
Haha I agree, I am very far removed from the puppy stage but I do remember puppy diarrhea. Their stomachs are SUPER sensitive and it’s really common for dogs to get a puppy virus/bug before they turn one.
.
THAT BEING SAID, I think the joy animals bring you as a couple raising them is a really bonding experience. It’s doing something fun that brings you both happiness and makes you feel like a family that is in this (by this I mean dealing with diarrhea at 4 a.m. and Saturday cuddles and dog park runs and training) together.
Totally agree with you about feeling like a family! Our cats brought us together a lot, and they make us think like a team more than we did when it was just us. We love the same creature. We “aww” together when they do something adorable. We worry together when one of them gets hurt or sick. It makes me love him a little bit more every time I catch him baby talking and being nurturing to one of them.
.
If labor division in the LW’s household is already causing stress and leading to these problems though, a pet definitely might exacerbate the problem instead of helping.
I feel exactly the same having a puppy with my partner! When the pup had a minor injury, he baby talked him through it. So sweet. I never saw this side of him and I am so glad I have.
Oh for sure. Dave and I have actually been spending a lot more *quality* time together since getting Rudy. We go on long walks or hiking, and Friday nights our new ritual is to take Rudy to the preserve with the off leash area, then get pizza on the way home. We’re not spending any extra time together, but we’re not just sitting on the couch playing with our phones. It’s been awesome.
Is it fun when it’s you or Dave having diarrhea on the floor?
Totally fun. Happens usually every other day. 🙂
bethany, are you SURE it wasn’t Dave??
Okay to give more thoughts and a small amount of advice. When I think that work is really stressful and I need a break or some fun, I start planning things that Colin and I can do together. Because we’re dating and I think he’s just the bees knees, and he’s always up for adventures.
.
Lw – I’m guessing you used to feel this way about your wife. When did she stop being the person you go to when you want to let loose and escape the stress? I think it would be really helpful for you to think about that. Then go to therapy and learn how to “fake it till you make it” and get her to be that person again.
.
Or fuck get divorced. I don’t care. Just don’t cheat. It’s so lazy and lame. Find a new way to be an asshole, people have been assholes by cheating for centuries. Be more creative than that.
Ps.
Maybe your marriage has lost it’s sex life because you’re too busy focusing on “having fun” with other people that are not your wife.
All in all, you’re being a completely selfish a-hole.
There are certain instances where cheating is allowed.
1) When the spouse gives permission (i.e., an open or semi-open relationship)
2) When the spouse is actually dead and the surviving spouse just feels like it’s cheating because of vows
3) When the spouse is in a permanent vegetative state and your in-laws are fighting to keep him/her on life support (think Terri Schiavo).
If none of the above apply to you, you shouldn’t cheat. You promised to love, honor, be faithful, etc. A man is only as good as his word. What kind of man are YOU?
I get being bored in traditional relationships. I really do. However, you’re willing to put more effort into a co-worker and potential piece of new strange over your wife. The one you committed your life to.
Either do the right thing and don’t cheat and put more energy into your marriage, or do the OTHER right thing and be honest with your wife and divorce her. She deserves better than a cheater, don’t you think? Wouldn’t you expect better/more from her in that same regard?
Don’t think you won’t get caught. People talk. People notice. And people love to gossip.
A fling, or even a NSA attached mistress isn’t worth your marriage, is it? Your family? Potentially your job?
In short – work on your marriage and stop doing extra-curriculars with your co-worker.
A while back, I tried to solve the boredom problem by proposing that my wife and I have an extramarital affair with each other. It would still be just us, but it would technically be “outside” the marriage, and therefore exciting and risky. We would meet in clandestine locations, and I would say stuff like “My wife will be out of town for 40 minutes, so we’ve gotta make this quick.” Later, i would cover my tracks: “Where was I? Oh… just out.” Can you believe she thought it was a stupid idea? Maybe if she was more supportive, i wouldn’t need to have an affair with her.
I know a guy who did something like this (with his employee!!). He still hasn’t suffered any real consequences and it KILLS me. He’s still married and still have his job, shocking really! Don’t be this guy, LW. People will find out, your friends with morals will shun you, your company will find out and perform an investigation, you will gain weight and lose your hair. People like me will find it hard to punch you in the face when you act like you’re a happy family with your wife.
*still HAS his job
*find it hard NOT to punch you in the face
What’s wrong with me? Must be righteous anger.
This is a really hard week on DW.
I hope his wife bangs the neighbor. There. I said it.
and then bangs his boss…on their bed….
How would you feel if your wife cheated on you, Mr. Integrity?
Sadly, I doubt he would care. The total apathy he feels towards his marriage could not be more evident.
Well, you came here for validation, and I guess you’ve figured out by now that you’re not gonna get it….
Look. You got up in front of your friends and family and promised your wife that you wouldn’t screw around. Now an opportunity has presented itself, and you’re looking for a way to wiggle out of the promise. There isn’t one, at least not one that doesn’t leave you looking like a complete dirtbag to the above-mentioned friends and family.
If you don’t want to be monogamous anymore, that’s your choice. But be a man and own your choice. Tell your wife that you don’t want to be married anymore, and then you can sleep with whoever you like.
But you don’t want to end your marriage, right? Sorry, you can’t have it both ways. Make a choice. One or the other.
I know you think you can get away with it, you’ll have a few quickies with this chick and no one will be the wiser. News flash: everyone who screws around tells themselves that. It might work for a little while, but someone will find out. Someone ALWAYS finds out. Having watched this same scenario play out with friends, here’s how it will go.
The people you work with will figure it out first. The gossip will spread like wildfire. The women you work with will detest you. Your boss will lose respect for you.
Your wife will find out. At the very least, you will cause her horrific pain. No, she won’t ‘get over it in time’. Your marriage may well survive, but it will change. At worst, she will dump your ass.
If it comes to that, your parents and siblings will be mortified. Your wife’s family will loathe you for all time. Your friends will be embarrassed for and by you, you will likely lose some friends.
Now, decide what you want to do. But, as I said, own it. Drop the lame-ass excuses about ‘not having time’ for a sex life with your wife.
All of this is exactly how it works. One of our friends cheated on his wife and when it came down to it everyone had to choose who they would still be friends with. You can’t invite both of them to your Christmas party or your backyard BBQ so people realized they had to invite one or the other and every single couple chose the wife. All of the people that he worked with felt sorry for the wife and though they still worked with him they hated being around him and talked about how uncomfortable it was to have to take trips with him and how they would try to not have to take the same flight as him and how they tried to avoid being around him.
LW if you go ahead with this you will be despised by everyone, and people don’t get over and they don’t forget. You will have people despise you and talk about you for the rest of your life.
Is it mean of me to be really happy that that happened to him. I love it when people force cheaters to face the consequences of their actions. I don’t like it when people say, “it’s none of your business, it’s between the two people in the relationship.” Technically that is true, but I don’t surround myself with people who have different morals than me, regardless of what it is. I don’t hang out with people that hurt animals, or litter, or cheat. So I love your friends.
I have been going through this the past few years with a friend of my husband (mentioned in my comment above). He’s such scum and I literally hate him. Our friends still hung around him and I had to if I wanted to see them. It sucked. Most everyone has dropped him at this point. It’s been really hard for me not to tell him exactly how I feel about him. Has anyone been able to do this? It’s really a nice fantasy I’ve had.
Even his best friend dumped him. They work together and that’s how we know about the work atmosphere because whenever we run into his ex best friend the guy tells us all about it and this is after about five years but people don’t get it over and don’t forget.
I just heard gossip about someone cheating about fifteen years ago, and I haven’t even met the person yet! It’s following this person around so much so that over a decade later, people know that about him before they even meet him.
I guess I am going to be the dissenting voice here–but that seems a little….extreme. Yeah, you definitely have to pick who your friends are going to be and usually the cheater comes up the loser in that regard, but if someone told me gossip about someone cheating fifteen years ago, I would think that the gossiper is a bigger douche.
So. I guess I fall more on the “you never know about what someone’s relationship looks like on the inside” rather than “every cheater ever deserves to lose their job, all their friends, and something bad they did will have to follow them for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES”
All that being said, this LW has shown us a picture of what his relationship looks like on the inside-and he’s still a dickwad.
I think it basically comes down to people being social and the social group and family group are so basic to human needs that people ostracize those who are willing to harm those two basic groups. The person who cheats is harming both at once.
Skyblossom I’ve never thought about it that way.
I have one more thing to add to my above comment: LW, you suck as a husband and you suck as a man. You just suck. You are disgusting.
SERIOUSSSS QUESTION for you guys. What if LW’s hot co-worker is our beloved Ramona, the pant-less wino?! Then I think LW’s desire to cheat on his wife with the co-worker would be ok, right?
Everyone wants to bang ramona. Problem is that Romona can’t keep a job because she’s too busy hanging out with the neighborhood hotties and drinking wine while pantless. She doesn’t have time for a job.
I wanna be Ramona when I grow up.
Don’t worry guys, I’ve been keep Romona distracted the past couple days, so she is definitely not the co-worker 😉
Tell us more. And throw in a lot of imagery and use the thesaurus so we can get a lot of laughs at how many different ways you refer to la penis. (oh fun fact: the French word for penis is feminine.)
It couldn’t be Ramona. I think you are most definitely required to wear pants to a gala. Probably the gym, too.
Dude, I think you came to the wrong advice site.
I’m going to respectfully disagree with most of you. I think the LW SHOULD cheat on his wife with the co-worker and have a good time for as long as he can. I have a pretty good reason for thinking so. Reading the letter makes me feel sorry for his wife, and his near-total lack of concern for her makes me think that the bad news is in the mail even if he doesn’t bang this particular co-worker. But it could take a few more years of heartache and self-doubt. If he bangs the co-worker and has it blow up ridiculously, then the wife will get a clean break with a clear understanding of why she’s done with the marriage, and she’ll probably do better in the divorce settlement. I hope her wounds heal quickly.
I call FAKE on this letter. No one writes in to a bunch of strong, amazing women (and handful of stellar dudes) with a “how can I cheat on my wife?” question.
my therapist said, it’s fine to have crushes, but a crush doesn’t mean you have to have sex with them. You can have an open friendship that you don’t hide. Everyone will have crushes during their marriage, it happens. Learning to deal with them in a constructive, adult way is what you should be working on.
Also, fun is overrated
Ohhhhh can we please have an update on your life?
no. but you can have an update on my life:
*once i knock off the last two bricks of cheese in my fridge i’m going vegan again (so like probably tomorrow b/c i have plans to go to town on that cheese when i get home from work today);
*i’m doing this weird experiment where i see how fast my toe nails grow by painting them and letting them grow out until all the paint is gone (update on that is they were last painted right after xmas and there is *still* some red on my big toe)- gosh, and i wonder why i don’t have a boyfriend;
* Moose and i are getting haircuts on Sat.
* I haven’t pooped in 2 days, wtf.
…
Oh, you really wanted to hear from MG instead? Fine, biatch.
and just to clarify, i keep my toe nails trim; i just keep the old paint on. (still gross?)
Toe nail polish NEVER comes off. What’s the deal with that? It makes no sense.
Unless you get a pedicure. Then it chips in just a couple spots.
SPEAKING of pedicures, my probation is almost up. I get to buy a pedicure on or after April 9th, and I am so freaking pumped.
How is moose doing? Has he gotten less clingy? Does he ever jump in the shower with you just so he doesn’t have to be alone?
Nope, still really clingy. He doesn’t jump in the shower with me because there is a door on the shower. But he lays down right next to the door and whimpers. He’s such a sweetheart though. And such a good boy. I snuck him into the office Sunday afternoon and he just conked out and made no peeps the entire afternoon. In the morning, he gives me facials by licking my entire face with his rough little tongue. Then I remember he eats his poo…. but I let him continue licking my face. Because that’s what moms do.
Hahah gross. I am trying to incorporate a bring your dog to work day in my office. Maybe on a day clients (or only dumb clients) aren’t in the office.
There’s a national bring your dog to work day!!! My company participates and every year I get nothing done because it is the best! day! ever! We cater food complete with cupcakes and pupcakes. And we have a tricks competition! Get your firm to allow it, it’s so fun! I can’t have pets where I live (lame), but loooove knowing if I get a dog one day, it can come to work with me allllll the time.
Oh that sounds like the best day ever! Where do you live? I’m moving in.
Update: I have no longer not pooped in the last 2 days. You’re welcome.
Ugh.. my life is no bueno right now. no bueno at all, but something about now is the time for growth etc.
I’m getting my hair chopped tomorrow. I have had it long/grown out for 6+ years now. Time for a change
NOOOOOOOOOO, I have a bajillion new braids I want to do on you.
Braid mine!!!
I just learned this adorable messy alternative braid that is just spunky as hell. Need long hair.
Come to Chicago pwease.
We have a Chicago office. In the Sears Tower?? I have to think of a valid reason to need to go there and do some team bonding or something.
damnit!
i mean, i’m really sad about cutting my hair. I love it! buuuut, it will grow back? i’m not getting it SUPER short, just above the shoulder
I say go for it. I change my hair all the time (I’m a little impulsive about it) but it never freaks me out much because hair grows back, and you can also re-dye it later if you don’t like a new color. Have you had really long hair your whole life? I notice people have a lot more trepidation when they’ve never gone for a shorter look in the first place. You’ll be fine. It’s just hair.
i actually have gone back and forth. when i was middle school to junior year, short, senior year to just before junior, long, then REALLY short, then shorter,.. then long that last 6+ years.
I don’t dye my hair, but i’m gonna go for the cut. it’s cathartic!
I say don’t go for it and instead come over and drink wine with me while I braid your hair.
I’m with AP. Don’t cut the hair, just drink the wine.
oh i’m definitely drinking the wine
It will grow back! BUT it will take way longer than you expect. Like objectively you can know that cutting off more than a foot of your hair will take more than two years to grow back. And then you do it and you get a couple trims and next thing you know it’s been almost three years and you are still a person who has shoulder length hair.
damnit…
its not currently the longest it has been.. got a good trim a few times ago, so maybe only 6 inches off to get to shoulder-length (i should say i have a long neck).
whatcha think about this?
I cut my hair off in June, probably two inches shorter than that. I wish I never had done it. (But I did donate it soooo I guess it’s cool.)
Yeah, I went from hip length to waist length and then to chin length. The first one was okay (very few people actually noticed, actually) but the second one was a little bit of a shock and I really wished I hadn’t taken it so short, not least because I don’t have the face shape for it. It’s down to my collarbones now and I’m much happier with it.
I love it! I love the long bob in general. And the good thing about it is it will only take about a year to get back into long hair territory if you decide you’re really not a short hair person. It’s a gateway haircut, is what it is. And it’s long enough for braiding, so you and AP still can have your ladybonding time. (Like a cute waterfall braid around the crown? Eh? Eh? AP?)
My favorite thing about short hair is how fast it dries. Because I am lazy.
http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/cKvR-tkVmVv/Cocktail+Party+New+Victoria+Secret+Lexington/4DCKqplWaz0/Heidi+Klum
this is the one i think she had right before
Yeah yeah I can still do a cute waterfall braid on that but the point is I have a lot of braids I want to try that need LONG hair. Really, MG, I forbid you to cut your hair. (I have that power, right?)
Don’t destroy your life for a few moments of fleeting pleasure. I promise it won’t be worth it.
.
Look, as much as we all hate to admit, this situation is incredibly, mundanely normal. You’re attracted to a coworker/neighbor/barista/etc. You like the “high” of the hormones. Interaction with this person gives you an excitement you haven’t felt in years. Your life is so boring compared to this new exciting prospect. This is normal. There are a LOT of people who act on their urges and blow up their marriage because they’re clouded by their sexual fantasy.
.
But just because it’s normal doesn’t make it right or okay. I’m even gonna go out on a limb and say that the best decision you could possibly make in this kind of scenario is to tell your wife and then immediately get into couple’s counseling. Tell your wife you’ve been attracted to this woman and have fantasized about having an affair. Tell her that this is troubling and you don’t know how to fix your marriage, but that a professional might. Tell her before anything happens and your marriage has the possibility to get stronger from it.
.
It won’t be the fun route, but it will give you the most long-term satisfaction. Because isn’t that the end goal? Happiness in the end? An affair gives you an empty happiness for a fleeting moment and long term sadness after the fact. Even if you have no remorse and even if you don’t get caught, what a sad life.
Please read these books by Willard F. Harley. He’s a marriage counselor who helps couples that have had an affair in their marriage. His books are excellent advice, not just for those who had had an affair but for anyone who wants to build an incredibly strong marriage. When I stumbled across the first one about a month ago I was thinking about how it was excellent marriage advice even if you didn’t have an affair in a marriage. I’d recommend them to anyone in a long term relationship and to anyone looking for books to read before marriage but I think they are especially important for you if you’re considering having an affair. If you and your wife follow his instructions you will understand each other better and meet the needs of each other better and you won’t feel tempted to have an affair. Your interest in an affair is a huge warning sign that you need to work on your marriage, it’s like rushing it to an emergency room. Just like a medical emergency, this can’t wait.
These are the books and their Amazon links.
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_19?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=his+needs+her+needs&hasWorkingJavascript=1&sprefix=his+needs+her+needs%2Caps%2C302
Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love
Surviving an Affair
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_19?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=surviving+an+affair+by+willard+harley&sprefix=surviving+an+affair%2Cstripbooks%2C253&rh=n%3A283155%2Ck%3Asurviving+an+affair+by+willard+harley
If you love your wife you should do everything you can to fix your marriage and if you don’t love her you should, at the very least, divorce her before you start a relationship with another woman. Think about how you would feel if you found that she was having an affair and if she was lying to you. Remember, it is still a lie if you are having an affair, even if she doesn’t specifically ask if you had sex with another woman. It is a lie of omission if she asks about your day and you don’t bother to tell her about this other woman. You’re already doing that by going to happy hour with the other woman and not mentioning it to your wife in the context in which it is happening. You’re going on get to know you dates with the other woman and unless you’ve been upfront and told your wife that much you are already a liar. Guess what, the people that you work with have probably already noticed the two of you and are probably already gossiping about the two of you and watching the two of you. It is hard to hide body language, especially from women.
i think “after the affair” is a pretty good book too
In some ways I wish he had titled his books differently because they have such great general advice for marriage and if you aren’t worried about affairs you aren’t going to be reading his books. I stumbled on one of these because I work in a library and someone had left a bookmark in the book and so I opened the book to see what the bookmark was and found it was just a subscription card from a magazine but then scanned the page it was at and saw some great marital advice so I flipped the book over to see the cover because I wanted to read it and it was the book “Surviving an Affair.” While I was reading it I kept thinking it wasn’t just for people who had affairs it was such good advice it was something everyone could benefit from reading. I like this guys books as much or more as I like the books of Dr. Gottman.
Is “After the Affair” good in general for everyone? I’ve never read affair marriage guides before and now I’m curious as to whether they aren’t better than general marriage books. The therapist who can put a marriage back together again after an affair and make it a happy marriage has some solid advice that would benefit and strengthen any marriage.
It might seem odd to open a book to look at the bookmark but people are constantly leaving personal items in books and when they do we check to see who had the book last and then call them to get the item back to them. Last week we had personal family photos and a man’s work schedule.
One thing that Dr. Harley includes in all three of his books is a list of emotional needs. Most people have the same emotional needs but rank them differently in importance. So men try to meet the needs of their wife that the man feels are most important and vice versa for the wife. The problem is that men and women usually/often rank the needs in an opposite order so that the husband keeps doing things for the wife that he values highly but she values less and she is doing the same for him and so both are trying and making an effort but neither may be meeting the most important needs of the other. He recommends that each partner rank their emotional needs and talk about them with the partner and give the partner specific ways that those needs can be met. The needs are: affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, financial support, domestic support, family commitment and admiration. He came up with this list by interviewing thousands of couples about their needs and found that most people will have their needs covered by this list but men and women will rank their needs differently. He also stresses that the needs have to be met in a way that is enjoyable to both spouses or it doesn’t work. He has found that if you meet the top three needs of your spouse both of you remain happy in the marriage and that keeps people romantically in love. When they don’t meet the top three needs of each other then the marriage begins to slip in happiness.
I kind of agree that someone sending this letter in to this site is somewhat unplausible. So it’s probably fake.
But just in case it’s not…
LW, I get it. You’re bored with your wife/marriage and this coworker has been kind of throwing herself at you and it’s exciting and all of those chemicals that get released in your brain when you start falling in love that block good decision making skills are flowing and oh man who can focus on the boring lady you vowed to honor and cherish when this is happening?
People make mistakes, and cheat. I disagree with anyone who says that condemns someone for making a mistake.
But you are actively planning to cheat on your wife. Which makes you an asshole. This isn’t a drunken one night stand in the making, you want an affair. Just, stop it.
Clearly something is lacking in your marriage. Your wife deserves to know where your head is at. But do you even know where your head is at? Your head is so clouded with all those aforementioned chemicals, I don’t think you even really know what you want. So here’s what you do: Stop seeing this coworker. Stop talking to her, stop going to the gym and happy hour with her, just stop. Do some introspection. Figure out what’s missing in your marriage, figure out what you want. Is it something you can fix? Is it something you want to fix?
Once you’ve worked all this out in your own head, communicate with your wife. If you want a divorce, do that. If you just want to bring back some excitement to your marriage, do that. Get into counseling. Fix it, or don’t, but be damn sure of what you want before you do anything at all, and don’t fracking cheat on your wife. Okay?
One thing you need to keep in mind LW is that this coworker is leaving her husband. She isn’t looking for a little something discreet and physical, she is looking for a husband replacement. She won’t be satisfied for very long with having a little bit of you on the discreet side, she’s going to want all of you and might very well make sure your wife found out you were having an affair just to make you totally available. She is leaving her husband, she is done and over with her marriage, she isn’t looking for discreet, non emotional, just physical sex. She wants you, all of you.
LW I’m not going to lecture you about the morality of cheating. I’m going to focus on the other reasons why you shouldn’t go through with this. You can not in any way garauntee 100% that she will be “discreet” or what is to be strictly physical. You have too much to loose if she decides to no longer want to be discreet. Not only could you loose your marriage but also your job. Put your hard-on down for a moment and play the what-if game. What if she wants to be more tha physical and you say No and she goes fatal attraction and reaches out to your wife? Or tells HR that you are sexually harrassing her or threatening her job if she stops having sex with you? You could lose your job and have a very difficult time findinganother one with that in your file. What happens if her husband finds out about your affair and adds it to his divorce case? What if he lists you as a reason for the divorce inorder to get/keep assests ect?
She is already openly pursuing him. She is the one who invited him to the gala and the one who invited him to happy hour. She has been pursuing him from the beginning even if he was unaware of it. She has almost certainly known for a while that she wanted out of her marriage, feelings and decisions like that rarely happen overnight. So she looks around to see who might be available and she asks the LW to go to the gala with her and makes it all seem reasonable but with her further moves she most likely has been after a relationship with him from the start.
LW if you don’t want to be in divorce court this time next year you should quit having any contact with this woman. Avoid her. Absolutely, don’t email or text with her. Don’t leave a trail that she could use at work to get you fired if you broke up with her or that she could send to your wife to get you divorced if you weren’t willing to dump your wife. Run from this situation. If this woman had your best interests in mind she would be encouraging you to invest time in your marriage instead of trying to start an affair with you. So run, then work on your marriage.
Everything that everyone else said…
One thing to add, LW, how would you feel if you learned the spouse of your brother, sister, or child was contemplating the move you’re about to make? How could you possibly console your sibling or child after their spouse made a unilateral decision to blow up their homelife like this? What would you like to do to that person for causing so much harm in the name of “fun?” What parts of his/her anatomy would you like to carve off, fry up, and serve back to them?
–
None of us lives in a fantasy bubble of just two people. We live in families and neighborhoods and societies. Our actions have consequences and I hope that you, LW, will listen to some of your society commenting above, put yourself into a position of empathy with your family and friends, and then decide if you can say the trade for “fun” is worth the damage.
Are you sure you’re asking the right questions? Coworkers are probably already talking so it isn’t discrete. And once people get physical it gets emotional. So the answers would be to do nothing. Was this what you were hoping for in your heart of hearts? Maybe you are asking the right questions.
im going to go against the advice here almost, and say that the notion of only finding ONE person attractive your whole life, isnt working out too well, is it? There are many couples who give consent for sex outside , so look up Polyamory. its not cheating if your wife says yes and her hub says yes.
Go ahead and have fun. You will have lots of great memories. Like the look on your wife’s face after she finds out. The pain in her eyes and her heart breaking. Living alone after she dumps you and the thoughts of all the other men that will be porking your wife after the divorce. What fun she will have! And I bet many of those new guys will be better than you. Think of all the mind blowing sex in store for her. But hey, you got memories of your coworker. And your marriage you so willingly threw away. Good luck dude, have fun!