“He Has a Girlfriend. Should I Confess My Feelings Anyway?”
New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), or submit a question for advice.
I like a guy who has a girlfriend. He’s someone I have known for a couple of years who has only become my friend over the last few months. He had to move away for work, so I don’t see him frequently, but when I do, he seems happy to see me, smiling at me and giving me hugs. He is naturally charismatic and outgoing, and he has a special quality that draws me to him, but I can’t figure out what it is.
I need to get over this guy, as I’m aware of his taken status. I have never met his girlfriend, but from what I hear, they seem to be very happy together. Therefore, I know he doesn’t have feelings for me because, if he did, he wouldn’t be with her. I am not jealous of this girl and am not planning anything to get them to break up. In fact, I purposely try not to talk to him too frequently so I don’t get emotionally attached. However, I still miss him when he’s not around and look forward to when I can see him again. The feelings are pretty strong, and I feel terrible for even having them. Some of my friends and I agree that you don’t choose love; it chooses you, but I question why, with all the single guys out there, I have feelings for a guy who is clearly not available and won’t be any time soon.
I don’t share any personal problems with him (or him with me), we’ve never had physical contact beyond the hugs or touching each other’s arms, we don’t compliment each other’s appearance, etc. My friends have said I’m not a bad person for liking him, but I can’t shake the guilt. I’m pretty heartbroken and beating myself up.
I have thought about cutting contact with him, but I don’t feel it’s right to do that with someone I have a history with, even if it’s a short one. He hasn’t done anything to deserve that, so it wouldn’t be fair to him. I feel he’s owed an explanation before I just jump ship. But I don’t know what other solution there is. If I tell him, I risk not only hurting myself further, but also hurting him and/or his girlfriend, so that’s out of the question. I also realize that feelings don’t go away like magic. I expect this to take time to heal….but how much time it will take, I don’t think you can put a timeline on it. — Crushed
I don’t understand your question. Did you ask a question? I don’t think you did. I think what you want is permission to tell this guy who has a girlfriend that you have feelings for him. You say you owe him an “explanation before you jump ship” on account of your “history,” but I can almost promise you that a few months of long distance friendship with someone you see pretty infrequently and don’t share intimate details of your life with doesn’t make for much “history.” It’s certainly not the kind of history that necessitates explanations for friendship fade-outs.
If you want to confess your feelings in hopes that your crush will realize he’s liked you all along and will dump his girlfriend for you, fine. But don’t pretend you’d be making the confession for anyone’s benefit but your own.
As for the “healing” you think you’ll need in order to move on from this crush, I don’t mean to trivialize your feelings, but, I mean, come on; it’s a crush, not a divorce. You shouldn’t need a significant amount of healing here in order to move on from a guy you’ve had a distance crush on for a handful of months. If you do, then something’s wrong. You’re putting too much stock into a fantasy. You’re building up this guy to be more than what you really know about him, and you’re definitely building up your friendship to be more than what it is/was. And when people put so much energy into something that doesn’t actually exist — in this case, a relationship between you and your crush — it’s often because they’re actively avoiding something that does exist. I don’t know what that might be for you — loneliness, a fear of rejection, a fear of intimacy, I don’t know. But what I do know is that if you want a true relationship, you are eventually going to have to risk getting hurt, which means pursuing people who are actually available and opening yourself to potential rejection, hurt feelings, and a broken heart. And when you do that, then we can talk about how long it will take to “heal.”
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter and ‘like’ me on Facebook.
LW, cease all communication with this guy and move on. I’m hoping that you’re very, very young because otherwise, this is a little ridiculous. You have a crush on a guy who isn’t available and has shown no romantic interest in you. Unless you’re 12, you already know what to do –> MOA!
I also have high hopes that she is very young. However, I was once the recipient of a girl who felt the need to confess her “feelings” for my boyfriend at the time. She must have been in her late 20’s… WAY old enough to know better. Granted, my boyfriend at the time probably did nothing to dissuade her and ate up the attention. But, she could have kept her crush to herself, knowing he had a girlfriend.
It felt like I was being totally disrespected. LW- do NOT confess your feelings. Unless it is your intention to make the girlfriend feel like crap (because it WILL get back to her) and feel extremely embarrassed. I can understand having feelings for someone unattainable, but keep it to yourself, for God’s sake! This is not true love. Maybe you should try online dating? Go on some dates… you’ll be too busy to worry about this silly crush.
Unless she is really young and has a crush on an older man, I’m going to say she’s out of high school. Only because she said her crush had to move away for work, thus making him at least 18.
Grown women make fools our of themselves all the time… so even though we’d like for her to be young and naive… she’s probable not. What was that story a few years back about the astronaut woman who was in some weird love triangle/obsession and drove cross country in a DIAPER?? Do you guys remember that?
LW… do not be that astronaut!
*probably
I have a theory about what the answer is to your question “he has a special quality that draws me to him, but I can’t figure out what it is.” I think the answer is that he’s unavailable.
You might be on to something her. I can’t tell the exact timeline but it looks like this crush developed about the time he moved away. Seeing as she’s known him for years, she had plenty of time to persue a real relationship with him while he was nearby and possibly even before his girlfriend entered the picture. But now that he’s in a relationship and living elsewhere, she’s interested?
Exactly! As I mentioned before I was in a similar situation until very recently (I’ve sort of checked out of any non project-related interactions with this dude now and my feelings are slowly disappearing) and I have to admit I realized I had a “crush” on him the night he told me he was moving in with his GF.
LW –
Listen to Wendy. She’s right.
Also, does anyone find it strange that her friends are encouraging this behavior? I mean, come on. Maybe that sounds harsh, but real friends would find a tactful way to tell you to MOA.
Unless Amanda (above) is right, and the LW is really young, then I can imagine her friends saying “OMG, he hugged you??? He must SO like you back!”
Yes, then I would understand, but this guy is at least 18 because he had to move for work. Unless the LW meant he had to move away for his parents work. But I think she would have said that.
Yeah, I guess you´re right. The way LW writes didn´t sound terribly juvenile to me, either (the actual words, WHAT sheps saying does!)… I guess it was wishful thinking.
I hear you. I would have preferred to think of this LW as a young teenager, but from the writing and what she stated, I don’t think it’s the case.
Totally agree.
Reading through this, I felt two emotions, first was annoyed, second…Nope, just one emotion. This is NOT normal behavior. Also, its pretty gross to me that you seem to be hoping some fantasy world becomes reality that involves you with someone else’s SO.
Unfortunately some friends prefer to avoid any kind of “confrontation” because they are afraid of hurting their friends feelings or something.
Meh, maybe the friends aren’t encouraging her, just telling her to stop beating herself up over liking a guy who’s taken. Sometimes you can’t help who you like. It doesn’t mean you should pursue them, or dwell on it, but you shouldn’t feel like crap for it.
Of course I don’t think she should feel like crap. Believe me, I understand crushes. What girl doesn’t? But I also understand the difference between a healthy crush and an unhealthy one. From this letter, it sounds like her feelings for this person has consumed her, which is unhealthy for her overall well being. Instead of agreeing with her and telling her that love chooses you, her friends should try to help her get over these thoughts and look for a better suited partner.
I did not say anything about being mean, I said be tactful.
I guess it all depends on what she is saying to her friends. If its “I like this guy, but he has a girlfriend! I’m an awful human being!” Then I’d give her the response it appears she’s gotten from her friends.
If instead it was “Should I go for it?” or she hammered away CONSTANTLY, I’m in total agreement with you.
My point was just that its entirely possible her friends aren’t encouraging her or enabling this wallowing, it could be they are giving a legitimate response. It all depends on what the LW’s telling them
Do not tell this guy! Enjoy having a crush! Am I the only one that likes having crushes on guys? Even if I never intend to act on it. If it’s really bothering you, get out and meet new people. Brad might be right…you might be so focussed on this guy because he’s unavailable. Sometimes turning your attention to single men is actually more daunting…because there’s actually a chance of the feelings turning into something more serious…which can be scary in a different way.
As an addon to what Wendy was saying about avoiding something that does exist- it might not be related to relationships at all. You could be putting all this energy into a crush to avoid something like job searching, college applications, a difficult time at work/school, or other friendships that are stressful.
Also, I don’t know if this is the first time you’ve ever crushed on a taken guy- but I have friends who always get crushes on people in relationships because they have a fear of making a move/being rejected. If they never say anything or if they get rejected they can tell themselves it was just because their crush was already in a relationship. They don’t have to deal with the possibility that their crush is full out rejecting them.
I have a friend that does the EXACT same thing as your friends, only the guys she crushes on are openly gay.
LW, I’ve been in the situation where I was the girlfriend when there was another girl who confessed feelings for my boyfriend. I found her rude and childish for telling him about her feelings for him because she knew about me. At the time she “confessed”, my guy and I had been dating for about a year and a half and had already been very serious in our relationship for a long period of time. She knew we were serious and yet she told him anyway. I was pissed. Beyond pissed actually. It was inappropriate on her part and she would STILL flirt with him even after he told her that there was no chance he’d leave me for her.
My point here is that this girl caused me a TON of unnecessary drama. What she did was totally inappropriate. Do yourself a favor and don’t put yourself in that situation. Move on.
So this might start a big thing but I think the important part is that you weren’t married/domestic partners/civil unioned/longterm companioned.
The whole reason why we date before making a huge commitment (for life or what have you) to someone is that we want to get to know them, see how compatible we are, see our chemistry, etc. If that wasn’t part of it, we would meet and marry immediately. Until the person is in a life-long committed relationship, they are fair game to share your feelings, because they have not yet made the decision to be permanently connected to one person.
This is not condoning cheating because that is deceitful. But telling people true feelings is just sharing truth; it is the opposite of deceit. It is condoning the fact that he HAS kept his options open (and so have you) so that you can change your mind about being with that person before you hve made any formal pledge to them. And I find is so strange that you find it “childish” for her to tell the object of her affection about her feelings. I think it is incredibly mature — it is risky, likely to be painful and embarrassing, but better off for her in the end. She doesn’t owe you anything; least of all to hide a truth about herself, just because it would make you uncomfortable. You are asking her to do the same thing — to be uncomfortable at the expense of herselfand her possible happiness because you found him first. I understand why you didn’t like her and didn’t like her actions, but how can you actually fault her for them?
I can try to see your point. BUT, this person DID choose to be in a relationship with someone else, thereby cancelling out any chance of meeting someone else at the time. When someone says they are in a relationship, its assumed they are not looking for other options. There is a difference between just dating and actually being in a relationship with someone. Your argument would hold more water if they were just dating around.
Yes, yes, yes!
I sort of get that. I really do. But there are two parts to relationships before marriage — (1) seeing if you are compatible; and (2) figuring out if this is THE person you want to spend your life with above all else. Sure, it is assumed that they are not “looking for” other options. I can get on board with that. But they don’t have to be looking for other options for those options to find them. And I don’t mean that in a “love happens to you” kind of way. Just in a realistic kind of way.
If our lives were infinitely long, I would agree with your premise — that the only thing one can do in a relationship is determine compatiblity, because in infinitely long lives, we could date everyone we should, because timing isn’t an issue. But in the real world, timing is an issue. You can’t just wait around not entering relationships with people you might be compatible with because if you happen someone better suited while you are in a relationship with someone else, there are no options. In the real world, there are options. You can break up with the first person and date the second. That does not mean that you were “looking for other options” in a bad-person way, but that you aren’t going to ignore options for happiness out of some loyalty for the institution of dating.
In the same vein, if you meet someone who you develop real feelings for, you are cheating yourself and them, AND THEIR PARTNER if you keep them to yourself out of some respect for their relationship rather than giving everyone a chance to be happy. No one wants to be in a relationship with a guy who loves someone else but doesn’t leave you because he doesn’t know if she loves him too. And it’s obvious why its better for the first two people.
completely agree lbh. the girl in L’s example was completely out of line in telling him this, and especially in continuing to flirt with him. at best it makes her look a little pathetic.
Oh no doubt to the patheticness. But also in its real sense. Worthy of pity, one who envokes feelings in another. We are only talking about these feeling-sharers like they are dumb schoolgirls telling boys they are doodling their names on notebooks. Even L says “confess” in quotes. But it isn’t fair to completely dismiss these women’s feelings, especially in the abstract. They might very well be just as real as the women in the relationship AND these women may in fact be better matches for the men in question. If we assume those two facts for a second, we’ll see the folly in dismissing them outright and dismissing the act of such sharing as “inappropriate.”
I guess also, no one has addressed the issue of why these women “owe” the women in relationships not to share their feelings. Again, it is different from cheating because there is no deception (or STD spreading). I’m not sure why everyone feels that other women owe them the courtesy of “taking themselves out of the game” when the man in question has not yet pledged himself to only her in all ways. (which is just not true in an exclusive dating relationship, rather than a formal trading of promises).
I guess I do not understand why someone would chose to live with an opaque screen around their reality.
the thing is we’re talking about people who are in monogamous relationships. i get that it’s not being married. but, if they were still looking to date other people, they would not be in a relationship. and sure you can go ahead and tell whoever you want that you’re in love with them. but, especially with today’s letter, all we’re told is that the guy is nice to her, smiles when he sees her, gives her hugs, talks to her. which are all things friends do. so now you’re encouraging any woman who has develops feelings for a friend, because she reads WAY too much in to his actions, to proclaim her love for him.
maybe you’re right and they would be a ‘better’ match. but, despite what movies tell you, confessing your feelings to someone who has done nothing to make you think they have feelings for you, like the letter in question, isn’t going to make this guy change his mind about who he’s dating. and you’re not going to feel any better about the situation. if anything you’ll feel worse because more than likely the guy you’re confessing to is going to start treating you like you’re pathetic or more than likely cut off all contact altogether.
I agree with that too. I’m not telling everyone with a crush to spill, because they don’t even understand their feelings.
But if you do understand your feelings and they are true feelings as far as you can tell and they linger and are not fading. If you realize that you will most likely be more hurt by your revelation than not, but you could not live with the regrets if you did not say anything or you cannot continue with things as they are and must stop them and feel you must justify why, I believe you should say something before it is too late. And I do not believe that you have done anything morally wrong by so speaking.
I’m with you on this one, 6napkin, with a couple of caveats:
I totally agree that if Alice loves Bob who is in a LTR with Jane, Alice has every right to declare herself to Bob without regard for Jane’s feelings. Alice needs to realize, though, that if Bob has been in a relationship for Jane for a really long time chances are that he will say no, everyone will be embarrassed, and she will probably not be able to be friends with either of them ever. Alice also needs to realize that if Bob does leave Long-Term Jane because of her declaration that Alice is most likely not “getting the guy” because of their True Love, but because a)Bob is fickle or b)Alice is probably a rebound/excuse for leaving a relationship he was already unhappy in – essentially, if you can steal him, so could anyone.
In the case of the LW, though, what I think everyone is reacting to is that she’s not talking about declaring her love. She’s talking about telling him she has a crush on him. That’s like three steps down in the bravery department. That’s not saying, “I know you’re with someone else, but I thought you should know I am crazy in love with you and I think I can make you happier than she can,” it’s saying “I kind of have a thing for you so that’s why I’m not calling you anymore.” I think there’s a big difference.
In conclusion, I feel that Jane has every right to pissed off that Alice is confessing her attraction to Bob, but I also agree with you in that I don’t think that the Alice owes Jane some sort of girl-code silence on matters like this (unless Alice and Jane are BFFs or something, that’d be pretty terrible).
essentially, if you can steal him, so could anyone.
Yup.
Also, L says they were together a year and half at the time this happened, and very serious, which was known to this girl. You yourself say the important thing is that they weren’t long term companioned. Who are we to say a year and half isn’t just that? I gotta say I’m with L on this one. I’d be quite pissed if it were me. I imagine you would too.
Of course I’d be pissed, but I honestly couldn’t fault the girl for doing it. I’d hate her and think she’s a bitch, but part of me would understand why she had to. And if he left me for her, then eventually, I’d secretly thank her for saving me from a guy who didn’t love me enough to go the distance. And if he didn’t, then I would know my relationship was strong enough and he wasn’t secretly in love with someone else.
True that only good can come of it for you (he declines, good/he accepts, good that you know now, rather than later). I still don’t think its ok though. I have to hope Karma will get those girls. Because I can’t imagine anyone would appreciate someone going after their boyfriend/husband.
The part that would make me angrier is that the girl kept flirting with the BF after telling him her feelings. I mean, if you really have to, confess your feelings, but then go away, keep your distance as much as possible, DON¨T FLIRT!
You don’t think that a girlfriend who knows a woman has confessed feelings for her boyfriend would consider all positive interactions between them as flirting?
Not necessarily. There´s an ex of my husband´s (HUGE backstory, which I´m not going to go into), I´m 99.9% convinced she still had feelings for him a few years back when we would see her at a friend´s birthday every year. As much as I don´t like this woman, I have to admit that she never actually flirted with my husband (even though she looked at him a bit too much for my liking :))
Sorry, I meant to say “might.” I have no idea whether or not this woman is actually flirting with her boyfriend.
and good about that woman.
It’s public flirting on Facebook. She would say things like “I miss you sooo much” and “you need to come home because I miss you too much”. Basically stuff that I usually write on his wall. Drives me nuts.
I really did mean to say might. And that is super awkward, for sure.
I guess I just think there is a huge difference between women who are being honest with themselves and who feel the need to ensure they aren’t sabotaging their potentional for life-long happiness and “boyfriend-stealers”, even though I find the difference difficult to explain. It doesn’t even have to do with whether or not the want the outcome of their revelation to be that he leaves the first for the second.
I guess it comes down to “love.” I cannot fault someone who is in love with a person to not declare that love and give themselves every opportunity for happiness. But someone who just wants to fuck your boyfriend… they can keep that to themselves. I guess it is like IseeShiny said — in the real world, a lot of time he will be leaving the first woman not because of “true love” but because of circumstances. And in that situation, it really is that “any one could steal him.”
But I do believe a man could respond to a true confession with receprocal feelings and not be douchebag, a cheater, or someone who would have responded to anyone like that.
I guess I am really talking about those very unfrequent but still real situations where it is about love/true connection rather than crushes or lust. And most of the time, the “confession” is in the context of her moving on- “I know you’re happy and really do not want to mess with that happiness but I have feelings for you and think you needed to know that. Or I guess, more accurately, I needed for you to know that. I do not expect for your to reciprocate them and will not be contacting you again. Be well.” And it is up to him to make his own decisions. I guess that may be the difference. You can still respect someone else’s relationship but be unwilling to sacrifice your happiness for theirs. But it isn’t ok to show no respect for their actual relationship.
But don´t you think that if a guy is secretly in love with another girl (not his GF), he would end things? Or not be with his GF to start off with?
Does a guy really need a secret love confession from another girl to realize that he´s had feelings for her all along?
Sounds terribly rom commy to me.
(Disclaimer: genders of course can be reversed here)
I think its about timing. I think that its hard to end a pretty good, nothing too wrong relationship to pursue something with a person you met after you entered the relationship when you do not know if she has feelings for you. I think few men would be willing to chance it.
And if you are the aftermet woman, you do not really have anything to lose by telling him. So I could see this happening in real life. Especially with work relationships, where you have the oppurtunity to get to very close to people and to get to know them on real level, even though they are in a relationship.
(same about genders reversing)
But if you´re in a r/ship and you feel that you´re developing feelings for another person, shouldn´t you do your GF/BF a favour and end things?
Even if nothing ever happens with the new person, I think you owe it to the person you are with.
I totally agree. But I think a lot of people do not just end it, and would rather be with someone who makes them pretty happy rather than alone with what they think are unrequited feelings for someone else.
It’s happened to me. My fiance confessed that he was in love with me while I was dating someone else. We were friends at the time, and it was like a sudden realization to me. I knew that he was more important to me than anyone, but I didn’t really piece it together that maybe we should be together until he told me about his feelings. Perhaps it is rom-commy, but sometimes those post-confession realizations do occur. And I agree with 6napkin – it’s about timing, and a lot of other factors. Distance was a factor for me, because it was easy to keep dating my bf in the same town than it was to realize my feelings for my long-distance friend.
Yes, my second girlfriend is the same way. Not truly happy with her current boyfriend of two years, but he’s in her backyard, so she stays. I’m a 17 hour drive away, so not that easy to make something work. It’s funny how I really only hear from her when she’s pissed at him about something.
I feel bad for some of the things she’s told me about him. She’s even told me that she flat out doesn’t want to be alone. I’d hate to be in a relationship like that, where I’m their option, and not their everything.
That’s really not what my relationship is like… I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here.
“I guess I just think there is a huge difference between women who are being honest with themselves and who feel the need to ensure they aren’t sabotaging their potentional for life-long happiness and “boyfriend-stealers”, even though I find the difference difficult to explain.”
I think the difference is that most people in that situation would view themselves former and others as the latter. My issue is that everyone sees themselves as the hero in their own story and people are generally all too quick to dismiss consequences of their actions in the name of TRUE LOVE!
And people keep bringing up this “duty” that they supposedly don’t owe this girl in a relationship. Sure, you didn’t promise her anything. But what about just the general idea of not being a shitty person? What about owing the universe the duty of not acting shitty?
I have a real problem with people overly blaming the “other woman”, whether that means there is an affair going on or just some declaration of love. The people in the relationship are the ones that pledged fidelity, and they are more at fault for straying that an outside party is for having feelings and acting on them. But I don’t think that absolves the outside party from their responsibility for knowingly taking actions that they knew had the potential to seriously hurt others, in preference for their own feelings.
Context matters of course, and there’s a difference between a crush and love, and having a friendship with someone where you think feelings are reciprocated vs. this LW where there doesn’t appear to be any real connection at all.
For me though, it all comes down to the simple fact that if someone is choosing to be in a relationship with someone else, then it is very likely that that’s where they want to be, that they care about that person. And if they are in a place where they are being drawn towards others, they ought to have the cajones to not be in that relationship anymore without any prodding from me. Notable exceptions notwithstanding, I don’t want a guy that could be lured from a relationship.
I agree with the duty not to be a shitty person. But I also think that people should absolutely place their own feelings above those of others whom they have no duty to. Perhaps its too much law or too much Ayn Rand, or a combo of the two, but that’s how I keep coming out. But I also think there is a different between trying to steal someone’s boyfriend through repeated actions (think every time he complains about his GF, telling him how he can do better, constantly complimenting him, coming on to him, etc.) and one time affirmatively stating your feelings with no expectations or demands.
I wouldn’t want a guy that could be “lured” from a relationship. But I don’t consider such “confessions” luring them away. I would be ok with a guy who, understanding all the facts at his disposal, made a decision to be with me. Just the same as if, someone confided that they secretly loved my boyfriend and he left me for her… I’d eventually be happy I didn’t spend my life loving with all my heart someone who settled for me.
“But I also think that people should absolutely place their own feelings above those of others whom they have no duty to.”
What?! So if it is my “feeling” that I deserve to have the last seat on the bus because I am tired and my feet hurt, to heck with that old lady who got on right after me, right? After all, I don’t know who she is – I have no duty or obligation to her.
Maybe the above wasn’t a perfect example, but I think the “me first” attitude is trouble. Duty or not, courtesy is a good thing. It promotes social cohesion, which at the end of the day is best for the common good. And it is discourteous to disrespect the commitments and relationship of two other people to alleviate your own individual crush. If it was a matter of your life vs someone else’s mere convenience, okay, put yourself first.
But this isn’t that dire of a situation.
If you truly and genuinely have no expectations or demands, then why tell him at all? Why not tell your mom or friend or therapist or the mirror? Telling him is inherently having an agenda, in my opinion.
And yes, you have to look out for your own feelings, and that is important. But it’s all a balancing test- what is the likelihood of getting what you want , how important is it that you attain that thing, and what damage do you cause in the process? Given the particulars of the vast majority of these types of situations, I’d feel confident saying that in MOST cases, proclaiming your affection to someone in a relationship is a very bad idea for all involved.
I actually do think you have a duty to the old lady — a societal duty towards the elderly or infirmed. But if its your or some other able-bodied person, and your feet are tired and you had shitty day, go for it.
I’m also not at all against courtesy and manners; I actually believe very strongly in them. and I don’t think that willy-nilly indifference towards other people or their relationships is what I said or what I meant. But you have to manage your own happiness — no one else is going to. There is no need to be callous or cruel or disrespectful. I do not think it is any of those to make someone aware of your feelings for them.
I guess we will have to agree to disagree then. I feel that societal duty isn’t restricted to just those who are infirm or vulnerable, but also to someone as “able bodied” as ourselves.
And yes, we are responsible for crafting our own happiness. But if it comes at the expense of someone (anyone) else’s, we need to think before we make that plunge.
In the LW’s case, its pretty clear that she’s not going to gain anything by unloading her feelings. And from other posters who have been in the girlfriend’s position, it’s also clear that this could have a pretty negative impact on the girlfriend and the relationship. So to me, the possible benefits to the LW are far outweighed by the possible drama she will inflict on those around her.
If he truly was the love of her life, if not expressing her love kept her in a deep dark depression, well maybe. But that’s not the case. She has a crush, and she wants permission to unload her personal drama onto those around her. I think its selfish, and I think she has a duty to not do so if she can help it.
She also tried to put the moves on him. He was very honest with me about everything after it happened because he didn’t want me to hear about it through someone else. I think what she did was very childish simply because she knew at the time he was in a committed relationship with me. She knew it was serious. She knew that he wasn’t available. Because of that I found what she did incredibly disrespectful.
Early on in my relationship with my husband, like 1 year in, but we had just started living together, this girl started really flirting with my husband at a dance. She started dancing with him (OK I guess that is cool in that environment) massaging him, etc. ( I know… right?). I told her to back off (nicely) and she had the nerve to call me “insecure” while she was completely disrespecting me! Some girls! Sheesh! Years later I still do not think highly of her. Because she disrespected our relationship. Do not be that girl.
YES. I still don’t like this girl because of what she did. I probably never will (I have a bad habit of holding grudges). It’s common courtesy to not go after another girl’s significant other. She’s still friends with my boyfriend actually asked him a couple weeks ago why I don’t like her. Ummm…it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
Some people have SUCH poor boundaries!
LW, I feel your pain. (Well, everybody probably does, because my guess is that everyone has had crushes on unavailable people.) In my case, I crushed on the guy for 2 years – even if I were to see him now, I’d get all hot and bothered. But he’s engaged now. He disappears for awhile and then reaches out to me and we hang out and bond and he NEVER wants to talk about his girlfriend (now fiancee) and he seems really unhappy and …. I think: maybe he is so unhappy because he really wants to be with me! Oh my sometimes when I write out what I’m feeling and thinking, I shudder to think how terrible / silly / stupid I sound (from an outside perspective – because of course *I* think this engaged fellow and I have an amazing connection that his fiancee could in no imaginable way have with him. I wish I had handled it a bit differently. I wish I had just told him I could not meet him for dinner each time he rang because I had feelings for him and it would be inappropriate … but I didn’t do that. Instead I just didn’t return an email from him and I de-friended him on Facebook. (I’m so mature.) Except for just this weekend I got an email from him asking if I de-friended him on Facebook and if so why and wtf? …. Well, shit. I think this may be my time to tell him it’s because I like him like that. Except for *now* I’ll look and sound like a complete buffoon of tween-age proportions. So I think I’ll take the mature route and keep on ignoring him.
God, maybe I should write into Wendy about this engaged crush (again).
Sorry, LW, I completely turned this into a mini rant about my own situation. Though, my situation is only a “situation” when the engaged guy starts to feel a little panic-y about his engagement and wants to see me. Your situation sounds a lot like how mine started out. And so my advice to you would be to do what I wish I had done: stop hanging out with him one-on-one (though, it doesn’t sound like you do much of this) and instead be mature and direct about your feelings: “I have feelings for you and, ergo, we shouldn’t hang out.” Or something like that. Do you really want to find yourself in my situation – 33 and de-activating him from Facebook in an effort to keep you from being sad when you see him pop up in your newsfeed and to keep you from contacting him when you’re drunk? Pathetic.
Oh, this email from Engaged Balls is making me nervous. I should just ignore it, right? My Engaged Balls story is a long one. Every time he reaches out to me I get worked up. Regina, I need you.
Ignore it. The only way you get over someone like him, or any unrequited love, is by cutting off all contact. Telling him why you cut off contact will only make you go backwards in your progress.
He might just be using you as a source for female attention when things are going bad in his current relationship, or when he has doubts. I wouldn’t be surprised if with a some time and distance, you realize that he’s kind of self-centered.
Um, no. In this situation, since he reaches out, and he asks you should tell him that you have developed inappropriate feelings for him and you do not want to disrespect his relationship or his fiance, so that you think the wise thing is to not have contact, unless of course things change in his current relationship and he has feelings as well.
This is a different scenario than the LW who I think should say and do NOTHING. Do not spill. Do not create awkward feelings and drama. Take the high road, but Addie Pray, you do owe this guy an explanation since he has asked IMHO.
I did it. I emailed Engaged Balls. I don’t even care if he never responds. I hope he doesn’t ever respond. I mean, my goal in de-friending him and whatnot was to cease contact and move on. Sure, I entertained the stupid thought “but we have an amazing connection and he is clearly not happy because he wants to be with me!” for too long. I mean, shit, if that’s true, he shows it in very weird ways (like proposing to his girlfriend). He’s either unhappy but too cowardly to end his relationship (do I want that guy? no) or happy and using me for female attention (do I want that guy? no). Every which way I think of this “relationship” with Engaged Balls, it ends poorly for me.
But he asked. So, I told him the reason is because our coffees and dinners and late night strolls have ben inappropriate because I have feelings for him. I wished him luck and happiness. Done. He’s stupid if it catches him off guard – we’ve had too many heart-to-hearts over too long of a period of time. And I’m sick of him popping into my life when he starts to panic and then pulling away. Now with this email, I’m certain to never hear from him. I feel so much better. Each time he pops up it floors me. And I’m actually in a good place right now.
So, that’s that. Thank you, LW, for writing in about this! I hope you don’t let it linger on as long as I did. Engaged Balls is no longer my Engaged Balls! I feel so liberated.
It’s been 15 minutes since I sent the email. No response from Engaged Balls yet.
16 minutes.
I’M KIDDING. I’m not paying attention to this AT ALL.
17 minutes.
Seriously, no sense of humor out of you people.
good job AP!! kick him to the curb!
I think you did the right thing. Keep us updated!
P.S. I do think your situation is different than the LW and she shouldn’t say anything about her crush.
Ha. I feel your pain. You know he’s going to email you back with some sob story like whaaaaaatt?? I’m so confused. Why can’t we just be really great friends? (All while he is literally stroking his own ego (and by ego I mean penis)).
Did he reply back yet?
No.
LW, the first thing you need to do is stop giving yourself a guilt trip. Wallowing in it is only making your feelings for this guy more pronounced, in a twisted way. Additionally, please fade the friendship with him immediately WITHOUT feeling as if “he doesn’t deserve that.” I’m sure he’ll get over it, explanation or not, much more quickly than you will.
You seem to be using guilt to enable your feelings and prevent any action, so that’s why I’m telling you to let go. Address your feelings straightforwardly & don’t cloud it in vague language like “love chooses you.” That may be true, but it’s not a total mystery why you’re attracted to an unavailable dude. Wanting what one cannot attain is actually a pretty common state of mind for people. Also, regardless of what you or your friends believe about “love”, YOU can choose whether to attach yourself to that person– or cut contact, because it’s never going to happen.
HA! I’m in a very similar situation right now. So I don’t think you’re childish or afraid of possible relationships or anything, I think you’re really cool and mature and everything =P Wanna hang out?
Joking aside, are you absolutely sure you’re being honest about your reasons to tell him how you feel? Because looking back at the time I still considered doing it I was trying to tell myself that it was only so I could cut contact and move on and he wouldn’t think I hated him or anything, but deep down I wanted to talk to him because I believed that maybe he’d say “now that you mention it, I really really like you back! I thought you’d never ask! Wait here while I dump her, please, BRB”. And that’s not going to happen. Unless he’s the kind of guy who would date someone seriously while in love with someone else, and in that case you really don’t want him in your team.
I really think that is what’s going on.
Ok so the LW’s friends say that you can’t choose love, it chooses you. But what the LW is talking about isn’t love, it’s a crush. She says herself that she hasn’t shared anything personal with him and vice versa. Besides the fact that this man has done nothing to show that he also has feelings for her I would MOA and stop seeing him.
What she said.
Having been in this situation more times than I care to admit, my advice is DON’T SAY A WORD. Doing so will only embarrass him and make you look foolish. Right now you need to concentrate on finding someone who is both emotionally and geographically available to you. I guarantee you will forget all about him.
LW, you think you feel bad now? Imagine the guilt at being the one who caused drama in the form of unnecessary pain in someone else’s relationship. Love chooses you is a cop out. Cop. Out.
I’m going to go out on a limb her and say you don’t feel love. You feel infatuation, chemical attraction, similar values, the joy of intimate contact with someone who treats you like you exist. This is all nice stuff, and great to have in a relationship, but just because he treats you well in this situation…that’s not love.
If you love someone you want what’s best for them, even if it hurts you in the process. It’s called being selfless and it’s a lovely trait in a friend, main-squeeze and even in a co-worker. He has the right to choose who he spends his time with, and he’s not choosing you — whether that’s because he’s loyal, or honest, or trustworthy to his PRIMARY relationship — the reason does not matter. Maybe the gift this man has for you is an example of what to look for in the next connection, and inkling of the standard of treatment that you will expect because you believe you deserve it.
If you’re looking to heal from this, you need to make choices that help you to feel better inside, not worse. And all such choices about this man need to be “feel good in the long term, not feel good in the moment” choices. Cut out all one-on-one conversations and get-togethers. Accept that he’s a wonderful example, and that’s it for you. Put away any expectations that anything will change between you, and that they have to change for you to be happy. No one and nothing outside of yourself needs to change for you to be happy — you are responsible for looking at reality, accepting it, deciding what to do with it, and moving on with better choices. That’s how you heal. That’s how you get happy in life.
And if that doesn’t do it, remember that Karma is a big old nasty BITCH. If you make drama for this guy and his girl, it will come back to bite you. IMHO
Very well said! Couldn’t have put it better myself.
But how SELFISH (in your definitions) does one have to be to decide that they know what is best for the person they love? Don’t you owe it to the person you love to provide them with all the facts and let them make their own decision? Why do you need to infantilize them by making the choice for them? What if, empirically speaking, they would be happier with you? Did you not just hurt them by forcing them down the path of less happiness?
Karma is a bitch but telling someone your feelings while making no demands and telling no lies is not a wrongful act. Truth cannot hurt people more than a lie could — not in the end. And people do not like having their decisions made for them. Why is it a virtue to rob someone of free choice based on full information?
theorectially, i do agree with you. knowing the truth is a good thing. i would always want to know the truth. but, in this the catch is this -while making no demands.
most people, i would say, would not be able to confess feelings of someone without expecting/hoping for their feelings to be reciprocated. i think that in a perfect world, we would all be able to say, “i just wanted you to know, i have feelings for you.” -and just leave it at that- go on with your respective lives and be fine. but, its not a perfect world. and especially in the LWs case, i dont think it would end so amicably.
But why is it only ok if the truth is robbed of expection/hope? That doesn’t change the truth of the statement. In the scenario where you do hope that he leaves his person and comes with you, or you hope he loves her more and that you just cemenedt his opinion on his love, either way– he deserves to know and thus, your actions would be the same.
I also disagree that loving someone requires treating love as zero-sum game and forcing yourself to lose. I disagree that loving someone means having to be a martyr without giving them the oppurtunity to receprocate.
i just think that in most cases, that expectation/ hope is going to cause problems. its not a bad thing to confess your feelings/tell the truth to someone- but, if then you start hounding them about how they feel, or if you then actively try to break them up, or if you now try very hard to hang out with them all the time, ect- arent you then meddling in the love that may exist between the couple? you are creating un-neccessary problems, and could honestly break up two people who were perfect together because your acting like a crazy person trying to win someones affection.
i can get behind a confession that comes with no strings. that is just that, a confession, and no more. then, the person being confessed to does have the truth and can do with it what they choose. BUT, i dont think that happens most times. i think most times, people go a little crazy, getting into some fantasy rom com where their beloved realizes the error of their ways and comes runing their way in slow motion. that i cant get behind, because then there is the potential to artificially manipulate an otherwise organic process- finding someone you love.
Totally agree.
6NB-
Yes, you are so right that the LW not telling the guy of her feelings means she’s denying him information that might effect his choice. And I would’ve jumped all over that band wagon if the guy were unattached, or if the guy had been writing in to choose between his current girlfriend and this girl back home who’d been haunting his fantasies. But he’s been demonstrating his choice to stay in his primary relationship over and over without so much as a hint that he’s looking to leave (according to the letter).
BTW-I love, love, love your screen name!
Why does it only have to be outside of married relationships? What about the woman who told my father – married 31 years – that he was actually her heart’s desire and that they should both break up their marriages and be together? This hit my dad like a ton of bricks because the full extend of their “relationship” was that he fixed her computer a couple of times and once took some little treat over to her elementary-school-aged kids. She took to texting him all hours of the day and night to tell him how miserable her marriage was and how much happier she would be with dad. Including on my parent’s anniversary. But she was just telling the truth about her love for him. How could that possibly be hurtful? If it’s ok in one situation, according to you, why isn’t it ok in another??
So, if someone has a crush on someone else who is partnered up, the crusher is denying them the chance to have “facts” and make informed decisions about who to be with if they keep the crush to themselves? What if its not a crush, but just an attraction? Shouldn’t a person KNOW who else would like to bone them at any moment, so they can make an informed decision about that too?
That would be ridiculous. People shouldn’t need to justify their relationship when some outside party wants to just came up and said “What about me? I like you, do you like me?”
How about trusting that if someone is in a committed exclusive relationship, they intend to stay that way? Trust that they are aware that other options could (and probably are) out there, but they’ve decided to stick with just this one person. If someone isn’t happy, or finds themselves more attracted to someone that isn’t their partner, how about making the onus be on them to remove themselves from that relationship and therefore available and open to “facts”.
I think Wendy answered your question in the title if she just phrased it a bit differently. Should I confess my feelings? No, he has a girlfriend. I echo everyone else in that you want this guy because he’s unavailable. I had a very similar crush for years. He would get a girlfriend, and then I decided I was in love with him again. He moved away to college, I fell in love. It was a cycle of immaturity, because I was hiding from a lot of things: my crappy relationship that I wouldn’t get out of, a town I hated, etc. He was this mythical fantasy that would sweep in and save the day, except, since life is a movie-that didn’t happen.
So, no you shouldn’t tell this guy how you feel. Being friends for a few months and being happy to see someone isn’t history or this secret relationship. If so, then I guess I’m secretly in love with all my guy friends I’m generally happy to see when I visit my hometown.
Some girl confessed her feelings to my husband right after we moved in together. She said she felt a connection because he emailed her drink recipes for her party and went out of his way to say hello to her. He had to kindly explain to her he’s just generally a nice person and loves parties/meeting people, and it really meant nothing to him. Don’t be that girl. We still make jokes about it from time to time.
I think for shy people it’s easy to fall for taken people. Because of the fact that they are taken there is no pressure, you get to know each other naturally and easily. This is especially frustrating with your friends s/o’s or a friend of a friend since you hang out often.
If you like what you see you can’t help but develop a crush….but most of the time you just ignore it because you know it’s a dead end and if they actually did like you they would break up with their s/o…nothing wrong with crushes imo as long as you know how to categorize it which doesn’t seem to be the case here.
If I were you I would just take note of what you like so much in this guy and add that to your mental list of “qualities you fall for.” Make lemonade from those lemons…you can really get a good idea for the type of guy that will work for you.
P.s. Stop fantasizing about it…just makes it worse.
LW you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. I don’t know if you are starring in some fantasy soap opera in your mind but this is just a crush on someone who has only been a friend (long distance and very superficially since you share no personal details) for a very short period of time.
If you want to tell him your feelings go ahead and tell him but know that you are doing it for your own benefit – there’s no way this person NEEDS to know why you are not contacting him anymore – frankly he might not even really notice.
Anyways I’m assuming you guys have mutual friends in common which is why he returns to wherever you are occasionally so if it was me I would just suck up my feelings and not say anything and be pleasant around him. He’s long distance anyways.
there’s no way this person NEEDS to know why you are not contacting him anymore – frankly he might not even really notice.
YES
Alright, I’m just gonna come right out and be kinda mean.
No, do not confess your feelings. It is an absolute bitch move. As another commenter said, saying that love chooses you, and all of the things you described in your letter, is a cop out. You owe him zero explanation if you fade out of this “friendship”, and I put that in quotes not to say that you’re not friends to an extent, but because I think you’re idealizing the hell out of this thing.
Don’t be that girl. There’s nothing ok or romantic about being her, the one who confesses her feelings to someone who’s already with someone else. Even if he wasn’t happy with his SO (which, you described in your letter that that’s not even the case), it’s not your job to come in on your white horse and tell him your feelings so he can finally realize how much better off he’d be, no. Stay out of it. Disassociate yourself from the guy. I’m not saying this to be mean, but honestly I doubt he’d even notice. That’s not a personal attack on you, just an honest opinion based on things I’ve seen/experienced.
I know that came off as harsh, but it was hopefully a slap in the face that you need to GTFO of this situation.
This is strangely apropos for me. Last night (really, for the first time, actually last night), I started considering sending an ex of mine a similar letter. I still haven’t come out one way or the other.
This is an ex that we did not date long, but spent about a year building up to dating — 5 years ago, he publicly liked me, I privately liked him and then finally we dated for a shining 4 months which had so much pressure on it to be “IT” that it imploded. We both moved on and got into very serious relationships, which both ended at roughly the same time, and it seemed like it might have been perfect timing, now that we had the maturity to handle our feelings. But then work and life got in the way and, honestly, he sent incredibly mixed messages — blowing me off, but then groveling to get back in my graces, rinse, later repeat, with our horrifically inconvenient jobs thrown in, which kept him out of the country for months at a time. One of those groveling nights, I went over and we talked and it was like old times and we wound up making out, and then he left the country for 2 weeks which lasted 2 months. and then we never met back up, or not for a while. He’d initiated plans then “work would come up” and he’d cancel. Which hurt. Then I felt the need to tell him how I felt, which was that I had 70% friend ship feelings, 15% hatred for how crappy he made me feel when he blew me off and 15% lingering feelings of what we might supposed to be. He said he felt similarly (minus the hatred). Then he decided to move to a new city and new job… where there was a new girl. The night before he left, we hung out all night and just talked about our lives, about how i felt he didn’t value me as anything, he told me about how he wasn’t sure about anything, me, her, the job, the city…. And he left.
And he’s happy with his new location and new job and, i’m assuming, new girl, and I have mixed feelings on his happiness, to be perfectly honest. I’m happy he is happy but I can’t shake the feeling that if he had only actually given us a chance…. I know what I sound like. I know how pathetic it is. But he moved somewhere warm and highly visitable, and he keeps inviting me (and all his friends) to come visit. And keeps gchating me to talk, etc. I’m clearly not going to visit. And I basically want to cut him out of my life completely, because it is the hope that something might happen that is the worst part.
So the question is: letter or no letter. Part of me just wants to tell him that No, I’m not going to visit, and no , we aren’t friends– you made that clear when you blew me off and I still have left over feelings so I’m not going to pretend any other way and I don’t think we should talk anymore. The other option is just to let it fade. But I feel like I can’t move on until I KNOW that he knows how I feel and then it fades. Even though I guess I know he knows it now. But he keeps on acting like we can be friends, and that bothers me. I mean, I know I should do anything and should just not be available. But I really want to send the damn letter. And truthfully, I don’t care if that messes up stuff for them, though I doubt it would — I’m the only one who is going to take care of me and this is my life. It’s been affecting me for 5 years and I’m not going to just crawl silently into the abyss because me telling him that I still like him might rock their 2 month relationship. Neither will I ask him to make any decisions. He’s already made the decision, and now, so have I. I don’t want contact at all — I don’t want it to be my job to avoid him, because that is the part that he loves. He loves that when he reaches out, I’m there and smiling and then he has the oppurtunity to blow me off. I know I could just… not be there… but I want to tell him to take responsibility for being a jerk and manipulating that. I can’t make him do it, but I can ask/tell him to.
Anyways. This letter was incredibly well-timed for my internal discussion last night. I dont’ really have an opinion for the LW other than — go for it. It isn’t your job to ensure their relationship doesn’t have to face any uncomfortable truths. And you owe it to yourself to make sure you do whatever you need to to avoid regret. But know that you’ll look pathetic and a little bit wacky. But if its worth it to you, go for it.
I don’t know, something about the guy reminds me of someone I was emotionally involved with when I was going through a bad breakup. It throws up red flags when a guy is all into great loves that have been lost, fate, deep connections forged through dramatic relationships, flip-flopping emotions, and grand gestures that are inconsistent. This is just based on my experience, but I suspect your guy is manipulative, especially if he has a pattern of treating other women the way he’s been treating you. If this is the first time you’ve ever been involved with someone like this, you should cut off communication and step out of the storm. You’ll realize just how much drama someone like him brings to the people in his life. However, if this is a common dynamic for you, it would be worth some serious introspection so that you can address the reason you are drawn to chaotic relationships.
Also, don’t send the letter. It’ll just fuel the drama, and really, if he’s as manipulative as it seems, he’s probably narcissistic, so he won’t really care about your emotions except to use them to manipulate you. If you want this to end, write him out of your life. Besides, the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is to be indifferent towards them.
She shouldn’t go for it and neither should you. You need to move on and away from this toxic relationship. You only like the idea of him, not the actuality of him. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. Save yourself the trouble and just cut off communication with him now.
When in doubt, fade.
I would trust that this guy knows exactly how you feel and just doesn’t feel the same way. Because he doesn’t, he sees no issue in being friendly.
I think that goes for a lot of people too. If someone really liked you, like you like them, they’d do something about it. People aren’t blind to crushes. People aren’t blind to their liking someone else. If he thought you really were the One, he would’ve realized this, treated you as such and came running for you.
Yeah. I guess I know that. I just hate him for it.
But I want to point out that my feelings in this particular situation aren’t clouding my judgment in my comments above, nor am I secretly talking about this situation. I doubt I’m going to do anything about this, but I do truly feel that adults are should be honest about their own feelings and encourage honesty among others in their feelings. Happy relationships aren’t built on lies and half truths and any “drama” or negative results that follow from a confession are further extensions of the truth and thus, are better than any ersatz happiness that might otherwise exist.
I’ve enjoyed your points, here and above. I think you make some really good ones.
But, being completely honest here, I have to say this does remind me a LITTLE bit of the forum with isabelle. Desperately convincing yourself that the answers you want to hear will come, rather than looking at the actions as your true answers. Hey, we’ve all been there with crushes and wishing things were different, etc. So I hope you don’t take insult to my points. We’ve heard it a million times before on here though…if someone wants to be with you, they will/would be. I think that goes for this LW, and everyone. In some fantasy world, maybe hysterically telling someone your true feelings will result in them saying the same, but its more likely that that person knows your true feelings, and just doesn’t feel the same. If its bothering you so much though, go ahead and tell him F you 🙂
Yeah, after thinking about it and all the rest, I realize that I already did what I am talking about. When I told him that I had 15% feelings for him, I told him. I did it already. And I stand behind that decision, even if he had started something with another woman at that point. But he knows that, and now I would not be respecting their relationship if I did anything else. I got my answer. I just dislike it.
I don’t think there is something wrong with saying something if they had only just started dating.
I dislike his answer too, because I like you. Everyone should 🙂
I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound like he reciprocates your feelings. If he did he would have told you at some point since you were pretty obviously into him. He sounds like he’s not good for you anyways since he was playing the hot/cold game.
I find that the most dramatic relationships don’t last -they’re just in it for the drama
The only people I’ve ever heard say “Love chooses you” are people that have cheated or been the other woman/man.
Man, I wish I could like this a million times. “Love chooses you” reminded me of Woody Allen & “the heart wants what it wants.”
I wish I could have been married by Elvis!!
Really? I’ve heard people say it when they end up in relationships that have bad timing, or distance affects it, or some other crappy scenario that intersects with their love.
But even so, people who’ve been involved in cheating say it because they’ve been there and they understand it. People can have opinions about it, but unless someone has been there themselves, they might not truly understand that concept. I admit that I have cheated before, and I do believe that you can’t choose who you love or when you love them. You CAN, however, make some choices about the circumstances under which you love them, like your relationship status. Most people who have emotional affairs don’t set out to do so. Most of the time, they accidentally fall in love with someone at work, and they fight the feelings for a while. Those people say “Love chooses you” because they didn’t want to fall in love with someone else, but they did anyway.
I think they say it to alleviate their own guilt, imo.
I get why it seems like that, but having been there, I think it’s more complicated than that. Certainly that’s true for some people, but not all. I don’t feel even the slightest bit guilty about cheating years ago, and I still say that.
I appreciate your response (especially so after a not so nice exchange this morning on here). I’m curious though, if you could do it all over again, would you at least have ended things with the person you were with originally before it came to the actual cheating? Hopefully you’ll see this, I know its old.
I would certainly do things differently, but I don’t feel guilty for the way I did them then, just because of all the circumstances (ie: he was cheating too, we were very young, had a horrible relationship, etc).
Also, what was our not-so-nice exchange? I always enjoy our back and forth comments with each other.
Agreed. I don’t trust people who are “helpless” to circumstance. They usually refuse to see how their actions affected the outcome.
It feels really good when a guy is nice to you, and hugs you when he sees you. But that’s not a relationship. And it doesn’t mean that he like-likes you. I get smiles and hugs from my friends’ husbands when I visit their homes. It’s just being nice to a friend, it’s not romantic interest.
You don’t talk about personal stuff, you don’t touch, outside of a greeting hug. You rarely see each other. You don’t even mention talking on the phone or e-mailing. Honey, there’s *nothing* there. Nothing. I wouldn’t even call it a friendship.
I think, maybe, you’re just a little lonely, and any attention feels so good and makes you feel special. We’ve all been there. You have nothing to feel guilty about for feeling that way.
But you need to let it go now. Next time’s in the area, don’t see him. Don’t contact him. Just quietly disappear. People lose touch with casual friends and acquaintances all the time, you don’t owe him an explanation.
Because if you do explain, it’s going to be horrible. AWFUL. I did that explanation, oh, about 20 years ago. Same situation as yours, pretty much. Hit it off with a guy in a night school class, he had a girlfriend, but I thought he liked me…… I’m still mortified when I think of the look on his face. I embarrassed us both. Don’t do it.
^^^This.
oh wow. no, LW, you do not have any type of relationship with this guy. i dont know why you are making your life out to be some sort of a romcom, but its not. this is a guy who you sort of but dont really know, and you act like you two are romeo and juliet… you need to stop that! that is not healthy behavior, just for your own sake, and its very childish and immature as well. i have to agree with a lot of others- if you stopped talking to this guy, he really might not even notice. you are not a significant part of his life. read that again, LW. you are not a significant part of his life.
now, it is not a bad thing to have a crush. people get crushes on other people all the time, whether they are married, single, bi sexual, whatever- that is real life. so unload the guilt you have about just having a crush on someone in the first place. the only difference between the rest of us and you is how we deal with our crushes… we do NOT make up some fantasy land where we live happily ever after together. so, come back to reality, accept this crush for what it is, and MOA!!
also, i think that wendy is very much onto something in saying that you are infatuated with this fantasy because there is something else missing/off in your own life. look into that….
I blame bad rom coms for mindsets like the LW’s. You know, the ones where the sweet, quirky protagonist is in love with this awesome guy with a harpy girlfriend that he just can’t get away from? Yeah. LW, life is not a rom com. If he has a girlfriend, he is off the market and not for you. You don’t have to beat yourself up about having feelings, but there is a big difference between not beating yourself up, and trying to pull off some Julia Roberts love triangle where you are the hero that gets the guy. You aren’t. Not this guy anyway. Crushes pass, I promise you they do. If there are desirable traits that this guy has, note them, and find them in someone who is single.
But think of how MUCH better it would have been if in My Best Friend’s Wedding, he calls Julia Roberts to be his best man and she responded “actually, I have developed feelings for you. I am not sure if they are a built up fantasy or based in fact, but either way, it will be too painful for me to be your best man and far too awkward for your bride. But I’m sending a nice punch bowl.”
So much more mature and that involved telling an involved man about her feelings!
I actually think her springing any kind of mention of her feelings on her best friend during his wedding would be hugely selfish. He’s getting married, clearly happy enough with someone to want to MARRY her, that Julia Robert’s character’s feelings are completely irrelevant and sharing them at that moment even over a phone conversation makes her reek of desperation. She could have had him for years and only wanted him when she found out he was marrying someone else.
At least they didn´t make it so Julia Roberts got the guy,
Made of Honour is another movie with the same basic plot (genders reversed), but they end up together.
Yes, I used Julia Roberts as an example because she’s the rom con queen, but I really liked how she got thrown out on her ass and properly told off for her immaturity. And most importantly, she didn’t get the guy, and looked like a total psycho. At least that’s progress over those yucky movies where the sexy man’s girlfriend is the bad guy. *sigh*
Yes, very true! It was the first time I wasn’t in her character’s corner, and I normally love her in every single role. I actually clapped when Cameron Diaz reamed her out in the bathroom.
I remember watching that movie for the first time and being like, “what the hell? this doesn’t happen in movies! it’s totally…realistic!”
Haha, yes, but what a short movie it would have been! Maturity is so much more boring to watch than drama.
Everyone else already said it, but you should do the following:
1. Do not confess your feelings to your friend
2. Focus your energy on other things, including available men
3. If it’s too uncomfortable, stop hanging out with this guy. And if he asks you why, tell him you started to develop feelings for him and out of respect for his relationship with his girlfriend, decided it was best to do your own thing.
4. You will get over your crush.
i would like to second your number three. if she must tell him, that is how to do it. polite, to the point, mature, and not at all screaming BE WITH ME NOT HER PLEASE
I think that’s another thing a lot of people are glossing over. #2, including available men. There are how many men on this planet? Do you really think that the only perfect one for you is this guy, the one whose already in a relationship with someone else?
I pretty much echo what everyone else has said- don’t do it! It sounds like you’re grasping at straws. I’ve definitely been in similar situations (primarily in high school), but the thing is, you have to think about what you will gain by confessing your feelings. If you think you will get some peace of mind or make yourself feel better about it, you might be better off journaling, or calling a friend when the urge gets really strong, or just doing anything that distracts you from this guy. If you think that, by confessing, that he’s going to realize that you’re the one for him and go dump his girlfriend, well, I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen. Sad, but true. If it were me, I would take it as an unfortunate situation of bad timing, and take the qualities I like in this guy and try to meet a more available guy with the same good qualities.
I agree with what everyone else has said, especially since I’ve been on the other side of it. My best friend told me he loved me while I was already dating my boyfriend. I was angry, my boyfriend was upset, and now my 10 year friendship with my friend is extremely awkward and not the same. So don’t be that person. It’s selfish and you’re making it into a bigger issue than it really is.
Good call. From the other side, this situation sucks a lot.
I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to tell someone about your feelings. There are some horror stories posted, but it’s not all bad. This is how my relationship with my fiance started out, and it’s worked out WONDERFULLY for us. You don’t owe his girlfriend anything, so I really don’t see the problem there. But if you decide to tell him, be careful that you don’t disrespect him or their relationship. Don’t ask or expect him to leave her, and don’t expect to be able to continue a friendship with him if/when he stays with her.
However, you’ve been using the word “crush” here. I urge you to consider how deep and long-lasting your feelings are before you make a move here. It’s not worth losing him as a friend and disturbing the peace over a crush, and it’s not worth it if your feelings haven’t lasted a good amount of time (ie: several months). But if you believe you are truly in love with him, and that this could be the love of your life, then you don’t have much to lose here. Think about your feelings and decide if it’s worth it.
I know you’ve talked about your particular situation and how it clearly worked out for the best, but I don’t agree that this LW should spill her heart out.
Unlike your now fiance, the LW is not close friends with this guy. It is unlikely (and the LW even notes herself) that there is little if any attraction from his end; certainly not to the level you and your fiance had.
And she may not “owe” anything to the girlfriend, there have been similar posters who have been the in the girlfriend role, and its been an embarrassing and painful experience for them to have some girl unload her feelings onto their boyfriend. It would be unkind of the LW to confess her feelings, particularly since it appears unlikely they are reciprocated. Why make yourself feel crappy, the girlfriend feel crappy, and put the guy in a very uncomfortable spot, for likely no return?
I agree with most posters that the LW just needs to let this go and move on.
I guess I don’t really understand why it would be embarrassing for the girlfriend. Other girls have tried to interrupt my relationship with their feelings too, but nothing came of it for them, and it was not a big deal at all. Shouldn’t it be embarrassing for the one doing the confessing, not the one who gets the guy?
And I forgot the part where she said he probably didn’t have feelings for her, but at the same time, I don’t know that it really makes that much of a difference if she just wants him to know about hers. If she is in love with him (as in, thinks she could spend the rest of her life with him) then I don’t think she has anything to lose by telling him. I seriously doubt that her feelings are that deep, but if they are, she might as well give it a try. But if she just has a crush, I agree that she needs to let it go.
Do you know why they call it a “crush”? Because your heart gets crushed at the end. I’m not gonna bash you LW, as we have all been there before. Sometimes you truly can’t explain why you’re drawn to someone.
My best friend and I were talking awhile ago about having crushes on people while in a relationship. We both shared stories about how- although happy in our relationships- we felt a strong bond with a guy we barely even knew at one point. Hers was with a guy she met overseas. Mine was a friend’s roommate who lived across the country. When I met him and he shook my hand, my body instantly felt inclined to be near him. IT WAS BIZARRE. He wasn’t terribly attractive or interesting, I was just drawn to him. Thinking about him would turn me on! It was so weird. My best friend had an eerily similar story. Neither of us acted on these enigmatic urges, but they did consume us for a short amount of time. And then we snapped out of it and came back to reality.
Fantasies are fun and if you have a chemical connection with someone, it’s easy to build it up in your head and pretend that there’s something more there. (One of the many side effects of watching Romantic Comedies in our youth). I’m not gonna tell you to cut off communication with this guy. Sometimes you really have to learn from your mistakes. If you feel the absolute need to give him some kind of hint, please don’t make a big deal out of it. Everyone has crushes. Go the route of telling him he’s such a good catch and his girlfriend is lucky and does he have any friends worth dating? Harmless and he’ll be flattered.
You should also stop talking about it with your friends. Discussing it on a regular basis makes it feel like reality.
Ugh, reminds me of a crush I had a few years ago. Completely unavailable for multiple reasons. People encouraged me after we stopped talking to take time to get past it and built it up to more than it was because that’s precisely what I’d done when I was caught up in it.
It didn’t take long to get over because I realized I needed to work on myself if that low standard was what I was holding others up to. It took me a very short time to decide what I wanted and now I’ve been dating my just-right-for-me for over a year now.
LW, you should stop talking to this guy. You are playing with fire.
If my boyfriend had a casual female acquaintance that confessed her feelings for him, he would a.) tell me and b.) stop talking to her.
I’m sympathetic to the LW. I think you’ve been led on. (mind you, agree with Wendy 100 percent but not as harshly).
This guy… he’s moved away, right? He may be storing you away as a bit on the side, you’re so far away that his girlfriend isn’t likely to find out.
All that touching he’s doing;… he knows how to break hearts. He wants you in bed, but he is not going to ever be your boyfriend. You think you’re in pain now? Stick around, keep seeing this guy, and you’ll find out what heartbreak really is.
Get out. Now.
As anther aside, I implied this but didn’t say it: it sounds to me like he’s a player. He’s bad news.
Really? He’s leading her on? From what she’s described, they don’t have a super close friendship. They don’t talk about the deep, personal intimacies of their lives, nor does it sound like their conversations are flirtatious. They are a step above acquaintances.
He a naturally charismatic person, and is warm when he sees her. He gives her a smile and a hug when greeting her (the horror)! A smile and a hug to me are not the same as a longing glances and finding any excuse to touch. To me, it sounds like a guy is being friendly and outgoing with, well, a friend. Totally normal.
She obviously needs to break off contact with him because she is needlessly twisting herself in knots inside, but he’s not doing anything wrong or leading her on.
No, it’s not “the horror,” but it is seduction, and a pretty good one at that. As for the alternatives, any guy who gives “longing glances” to a woman doesn’t know what he’s doing and is probably a virgin.
Does this dude (because let’s face it, he’s a dude) also hug and touch his male friends? or touch older women such the members of his mother’s book club? Probably not…
I’d point out, too, that whatever he’s doing, it’s working. She’s taking the bait hook line and sinker. My prediction: soon after she confesses her feelings these two will have hot, passionate sex, but after a few rounds he’ll explain that the distance thing means he has to break up. And she will be heartbroken.
Not that we didn’t warn her. But that’s what will probably happen. (of course I could be completely wrong)
i have so many friends both male and female who are trying to seduce me then if this is true. i had no idea that everyone wanted me to bad.
“Does this dude (because let’s face it, he’s a dude) also hug and touch his male friends? or touch older women such the members of his mother’s book club? Probably not…”
He probably doesn’t, because the norms in our society usually discourage such shows of affection between guys. But does he do something comparable and socially acceptable when greeting his male friends? Initiate physical contact in some other more acceptable way, like a hearty handshake or clasping their arms and smiling? More importantly, is he singling this girl out? Or does he hug all of his female friends? Sometimes a hug from a warm person is just a hug.
If the only evidence of his seduction is being personable and giving her a hug when greeting her, I think the “seduction” is all in her head.
Look, I could be wrong, Sure, some guys are just touchy. But seduction is a genuine possibility here and everyone’s too quick to dismiss it. Like it never happens!
Oh, as for the older women in his mothers book club? Weird example, but yes, probably, he does. I have a charismatic brother, and he hugs older women that he has some sort of relationship/friendship with. If he doesn’t know them, obviously not. But my mother’s friends that he’s known for a while? You bet.
“I don’t see him frequently, but when I do, he seems happy to see me, smiling at me and giving me hugs. He is naturally charismatic and outgoing, and he has a special quality that draws me to him, but I can’t figure out what it is.”
LW, you nailed it: he is naturally charismatic and outgoing. That personality type draws people in. They make alot of contact physically (hugs, direct eye contact, pats on the back, etc.) and are upbeat. So you feel special. But you have to realize he is this way with EVERYONE, it’s not specific to you. (Does he have a career in Sales by any chance?) You have created a relationship in your mind by putting too much meaning behind his natural charismatic actions.
My SO, (yes, he’s in Sales!) is the same way. I can’t tell you how many people male and female come up to us when we are out and there’s this big greeting, and hugs and back slaps and how ya been, wow, it’s great to see you, etc. At least 25% of the time he only has a vague recollection of who the person even is once we walk away and I say “how do you know him?”. Everyone thinks they are his special buddy/friend and I’m sure many women have been confused thinking he’s attacted to them. But seriously, he greets EVERYONE this way! He loves everybody, he’s happy to see everybody, he hopes everybody is doing great. It’s a wonderful trait about him, but it’s annoying as hell to walk thorugh the mall with him!
I agree with all of the comments that say – – cut off communication!!
I have been there with a boyfriend who needed exactly the attention you are giving him.
He said he loved me every day, wants to marry me, and still to this day says he has been faithful physically.
But he had several very “hopeful” women just like you on the side. He knew exactly what to say, how to touch to “be a gentleman” all the while spinning up his girl friends (friends that happenened to be girls, as he stressed to me)
Until I found too strong of language between him and many of them one day, confronted him and dug deep to find that he, indeed really really needed all that attention, to feel wanted by so many. He had to go to therapy (and probably still needs more) to learn that using women like you to feed his ego is a selfish, cruel and manipulative behavior that he should never repeat…
Learn from this, learn from our responses.
Am I the only one that thinks a confession might actually be a positive thing in this situation? Of course you have to be VERY careful with how you word it so that he knows you don’t want to break his relationship up. In any relationship (romantic or friendly) I think it’s important to be honest and open with one another. If you’re close with the guy, maybe he’s noticed that you seem to be bothered by something, you could tell him that you’ve got a teeny crush on him, but that you know he loves his GF and you would never want to break them up at all. Explain that that is the reason for your distant behaviour and that you’re trying to figure out how to maintain the friendship without crushing on him. By no means should you make it sound like it’s his fault; he is NOT responsible for this…
I like a boy but he has a girlfriend but he likes but i don’t think that he likes his girlfriend that much because he doesn’t feel very happy with her and i’m super jealous of him because he has a girlfriend and she wishes he would kiss her but you can’t make a boy to force you to kiss you or making you to kiss her but he needs to decide if he wants to kiss her or not
All of y’all are just being too rude about it im guessing y’all are all grown women . I agree perhaps she is looking for permission but if it wasn’t for you , then it’s best to let go , as of telling him , he is already taken and is happy , don’t ruin that for him (like u said) unless u want something out of it. As of healing , if it truly hurts you , u have to give yourself time , look out for YOURSELF because no one else is going to that for you . And no she does not sound childish because I’m 21 and going through a similar situation it can happen to anyone at any age because maturity does not exist(based on all these comments ) What will be given to you will be given in its own time , for the meantime enjoy the journey . Best regards ❤️
I just want to thank Wendy and all the commenters here for snapping me out of a 2 year crush that I never thought I’d get over. I’m married, he’s married, and we worked on the same project but across the country from each other. There were several obvious signs that he liked me a little bit more than just as a work colleague and I just ran with it. I created a “relationship” with this person solely in my own head. I made it so much bigger than it was. He moved off the job we were both on and I thought maybe I should confess how I felt since fuck it, what did I have to lose? I didn’t want to be with this person, “just”have an affair – which makes me feel like a total shit wife now – but all of you are right.
Something was/is wrong in my own life and my crush was a way to distract myself from acknowledging and dealing with it. My marriage is really good but we’re both in “getting things done” mode with work and kid, and I have some issues with my self-esteem. Once I started taking steps towards fixing that, the allure of this other guy dropped almost to nothing. Now I no longer try to think of excuses to keep in touch. He still does, but I don’t take the bait anymore. I feel like a giant weight has lifted off my shoulders. I needed this tough talk from you guys to see it for what it was – a useless mind experiment/fantasy that kept me “entertained” and completely not present in my own life. One thing I realized was that in all of my fantasies about this person, where we finally confess our feelings and have hot, passionate, forbidden sex, I look the way I’ve always wanted to – in shape, with long flowing hair, lumber and nubile the way I am not right now. THAT was the real draw of the fantasy – I could live in a situation where I was the kind of person I wanted to be without doing anything in my real life to become that (during this time I gained some weight due to not exercising at all and eating like crap.)
Maybe this is just me, but like many of you commented, there may be something missing in LW’s own life.