“He Wants to Get Serious After Only a Week”
I reminded Alan again that I was not interested in pursuing a committed relationship. I also reminded him of what he said the first day about not looking for “serious” as well. He said he understood. Yesterday, he asked me if we were a couple yet. Again, I told him how I felt and that in no way were my feelings going to change any time soon. He told me that he could not help the way he felt and he wanted a relationship with me. I apologized to him and told him that I could not give him what he wanted right now. I explained to him that we have only been dating a week and that there was still a lot that we did not know about the other. I even pointed out that he knew very little about me.
Today, we were supposed to get together for dinner. I have invited him to my place and I was going to cook. Well, at work, I started feeling under the weather and I texted him this. Later, after I got home I texted him again and told him I did not feel any better and that I needed to cancel our date. I apologized and told him we could make plans again this week when we both had time. Well, he got really bent out of shape and proceeded to say things like, “So do you randomly get sick this quickly often?” Or he’d say: “And I was really looking forward to you opening up to me tonight. I had something special planned…” He continued this behavior so I told him not to text me anymore tonight and that I would talk to him later when I felt better. I feel like I need to MOA based on his behavior tonight as well as the fact that he’s brought up a relationship with me a couple of times now knowing good and well that I’m not ready. What do you think? — Not Ready
This guy is sending so many red flags, I’d be running if I were you. But even if there weren’t red flags, and you thought he was Mr. Amazing, if you aren’t ready for a relationship yet and he is, you still wouldn’t be a good match. And you, clearly, aren’t ready for a relationship yet. And he is, as evidenced by how aggressively he is pursuing one with someone he barely knows (and doesn’t seem all that interested in getting to know). So, yes, MOA. Tell the guy it’s become apparent that you two want different things and it isn’t fair to either of you to keep spending time together when you are pursuing opposing objectives.
And in the future, if you want to avoid being “serious” with someone, maybe don’t spend every single day with him. Walk into the woods slowly so you can survey your surroundings before running blindly into a bear’s den.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS & DTMFA
I want all responses to be in initial form. I think we can probably make it happen. Also I really think DTMFA is appropriate in this case. Just not worth it.
IAWC. WWS. 🙂
For the life of me I don’t understand why you kept dating him after the first instance. Maybe you should be single for a while. I say this because you continued to date this boorish man even after the red flags were presented which makes me think that you don’t think highly enough of yourself.
Yeah, it helps your cause greatly that you don’t want anything serious with somebody if you actually, you know, do simple little things such as NOT spending each and every day with that person…
I am remiss, I often think to myself, “Yes, WLBHS!”
I have a friend went out with a guy that told her he loved her after only one week. He turned out to be a jealous, manipulative and abusive asshole.
Alan sounds a little clingy and creepy. I suggest making it very very clear when you break up with him!
What… the… Eff…
Move on. You are not interested, and he looks like a stage 4 clinger. It’s only a freaking week. MOA and maybe, possibly, if he harrasses you (he sounds a bit creepy) change your number, and don’t let him know where you live!
Ya – it’s not a good idea to see someone every day… but 4 months after a heartache over someone with whom you’d probably spent A LOT of time with – you probably liked the attention – and maybe weren’t too familiar with setting initial boundaries. And YES – if they start being creepy after such a short time over texts – they are going to drive you nuts. Get rid of him. I made a somewhat similar mistake 8 or 9 months ago. The third date the guy made dinner for me at his house. It became readily apparent that he was far too obsessed with obsessive compulsive cleaning for my tastes. Anyway – I tried to let him down easy and he blew up my phone with crazy texts about how I’d hurt him and how mean I was. I was like – really – it’s been like a week and a half since I met you… He’s affectionately referred to as the spic and span stalker now. Anywhoo… Enough with my story. Don’t feel obligated to date someone that comes on too strong, and in my experience, the guys I really like and really like me (at least for a while) are cool with seeing you once or twice a week at first and not texting and calling all day long. I’m sorry you are still getting over such a tough heartache though. That’s hard, hope you are doing well and feel really happy soon. 🙂
Yup, I’m with everyone here! How can you say you don’t want something serious, but continue to hangout everyday with someone! That is just fing with their mind, and clearly this kid is mind fucked already. You have led him on which is fine, it happens, and you only did it for a week so no real harm (unless he is a wackadoo) you just need to call him or invite him to someplace where you aren’t totally a lone to break it off with him, because this guy seems like he is going to be a little crazy, and like he won’t let go of you that easily. Be prepared for him to talk crap about you too, if you know the same people.
Definitely doesn’t sound like he will let you off easy when you tell him you are done (which you should–you’re not ready and he sounds on the crazy side). But be firm when you say you are done, and don’t get sucked into seeing him one more time or whatever he may ask, because it can be especially easy to be sucked in like that when you are vulnerable after a serious break-up and enjoy the new attention.
I don’t really care if someone cancels via text, but…
“something special planned…” $20 BUCKS IT WAS A PROPOSAL
and listen to Wendy, don’t hang with someone every day and be surprised when they think you’re serious.
Abusers push for quick involvement. Just sayin’ BIG red flag here. And you want different things. MOA before it gets any weirder.
Why exactly are you hanging out every day? I would be getting mixed signals if someone said they didn’t want anything serious but gave me alt of their time.
I would say that your actions and your words were conflicting….don’t hang out with a guy every night unless you want him to get ahead of himself and the feeling is mutual….this guy is definitely way over the top and insecure about shit though.
I’m sorry but, seriously? You’re writing to an advice column about a guy you’ve know for week? You are under no obligation to him and you clearly don’t even like him. So why are you spending so much time with him and how is it even a question as to whether you should stop seeing him?
I agree that he is coming on way too strong and frankly sounds psycho. He’s trying to get a commitment very early and I could easily see him quickly becoming very possesive, jealous and even abusive. That doesn’t give you permission to lead him on though. You tell him one thing but do another. Stop it.
This letter lost me as soon as she described how he would talk over her and interrupt her, and ask her very little about herself. I find it disrespectful when a guy constantly does this, it just makes me feel like I’m sort of an inconsequential part of the date/relationship, and the guy could be talking to a tree for all that matters. Even more weird is how, despite this, he wants to couple up so quickly. I’ve been on dates where I get the feeling like the guy is belittling me by not really taking my opinion seriously, and it’s not my cup of tea, thanks. If I were her I’d high tail it out of there quick, because this, combined with his pushiness for a relationship when you don’t even want one, is not ok.
Just how pathetic can one person be?
LW, no real offense towards you, but honestly, are you desperate for a rebound so badly that you’re willing to date ANYBODY in order to prove that you can move on from your last relationship?
You’ve got red flags sprouting out of this weirdo’s ass and you aren’t even acknowledging the majority of them. All you see is “he wants a relationship and I don’t, should I MOA?”. Uh… after spending a whole week together he wants to be a couple after you’ve said twice (and he ignored you twice) that you don’t want a relationship. After he fed you a line that he didn’t really want one either. Then attempted to guilt you with he “couldn’t help” his feelings. He guilt trips you for cancelling a date (the first time you’ve ever done such a thing) and attempts to guilt trip you for being sick and attempts to bribe you into going through with it (“I had something special planned”).
These are classic abusive signals. Manipulative, clingy, moving too fast, need I go on? Yet you only see the fact that he wants a relationship and you don’t. You aren’t long out of a very committed long-term relationship that left you heartbroken. Why are you dating? To prove that you’re okay? Obviously you aren’t, otherwise you’d have picked up on the warning flags on the field.
Call (not text) this guy, tell him it’s not working out, that you aren’t ready to date at all and that you will call him when you are ready to date again. Then change his number to “Creeper” on your phone so when he calls again (he will, to act like a “friend” to keep tabs on you for when you ARE ready to date) you can ignore him. If he shows up, or starts harassing, simply tell him that by harassing you, he has no removed himself from your dating prospects and any further calls will result in police contact.
Don’t date until you’re in a proper headspace.
As someone who IS a “hang out everyday with someone I click with” kind of person, I’m going to weigh in. (My ex and I had a 27 hour first date and also spent the next night together, and when I came back into his city the next weekend [which I had to do to take a test], I actually stayed with him and not my friends. We dated for 2 years and lived together.)
I just don’t really get why you’re writing in. You dated a guy for a week, he’s coming on too strong and is a little self-centered for your taste… so don’t date him anymore. I guess I don’t see what the issue is — if you don’t like him, stop dating him. It really doesn’t matter what he wants in this case (though def. be nice about it).
But I think your bigger problem is regarding relationship buzzwords, which are terrible at describing what you want. You say you don’t want a committed relationship but you spend a whole week with this guy — I don’t actually find this incongrous. I think you do want to be in an “exclusive” “relationship” but not a “committed” “relationship.” Think about it — you can be exclusive with someone you are dating without being in a “serious relationship.” I was dating a guy for 4 months once and we were exclusive, but he didn’t think of me as his “girlfriend.” I didn’t get it — I thought about the show Friends and how Joey had a new “girlfriend” practically every week. But the guy I was seeing thought “girlfriend” meant a whole different type of relationship, meant the kind of person you get a dog with, the kind you are truly committed to. I get it now.
I get how she can spend all her time with someone without wanting to be in a serious relationship and all that entails. And as someone who has felt a connection where “you just know”, I disagree with all the people who think that there is a time-table for that and it has to be longer than a week. Don’t get me wrong — i don’t think it has to be that short, but it can be, without being creepy. But both people have to be on the same page about it.
First off, I agree with the texting thing. I would be really offended if someone canceled/broke up with me via text. I like old-fashioned good manners and that means talking to my face (or at least to my ear). Now, on to the letter. Every single list of characteristics of potential abusers I have read lists two things that show up in this letter: wants to be exclusive very early, and gets pissy if you change plans, even for a legitimate reason like getting sick. Also, a guy who talks only about himself and doesn’t listen to anything you have to say is a narcisstic control freak. RUN do not walk away from this guy ASAP.
Run like hell! This guy is acting possessive and creepy after only a week. And when you are together, he constantly talks over you and doesn’t even want to hear what you have to say? That’s not a good start to any kind of relationship. I really have a bad feeling about this, like this guy is just looking for any woman to put into the role of “girlfriend,” and he considers a girlfriend just another possession that he can use as he pleases and treat however he wants.
Please, break up with him immediately and go on your merry single way.
I once was casually (or so I thought) dating a guy….I knew I was in an LW situation when his Facebook status changed to “in a relationship” and my first thought was “oh no…is that supposed to be ME!?!!?” – I got right on out of there and LW you should too. I’m confused why this even was a question for Wendy!
MOA. This guy doesn’t listen to you and doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Also, I have to disagree with Wendy. Don’t call me when you want to cancel plans and waste even MORE of my time. Text me, as early in the day as you can, so I can go do something else.
THIS. My ex acted like Alan when I first met him; I ignored him, but after eventually getting to know him through school activities, I decided my first impression of him had been wrong. It wasn’t. The guy was jealous, possessive, manipulative, and controlling, particularly when he didn’t get me all to himself. Our dynamic was unhealthy for both of us, but these traits gave him all the control since. He ended up dumping me when he fixated on a different girl. I don’t know the entire story of what happened between them, but friends tell me within a few weeks of getting to know him, he’d creeped her out to the poin that she told him she never wanted to speak to her again. My best guess is that he told her he loved her.
I know Alan isn’t my ex, but my point is that there is something really OFF with that kind of behavior. (My best guess is that it’s a self-esteem thing/fear of being alone.) Maybe I’m just more cautious because I’ve lived through a relationship with an Alan, and it was terribly toxic, terribly destructive to my self-esteem, but the intensity of Alan’s feelings are weird. My advice is to run like Hell. Run until you pass out, then when you come to, keep running.
If nothing else, trust that you wrote the letter for a reason and RUN.
Totally agree with everything Wendy said. The LW clearly doesn’t like this guy, regardless of his behavior, so there’s no point in dragging this out. I hate when people cancel, and doing it at the last minute is the worst.
I, too, think the LW should formulate a better idea of what she wants. She doesn’t want a relationship, OK. But does she want to really still be spending every day with someone? Does she just want friends? Or sex? Or casual dating? I think saying that you don’t want a serious relationship right now is sort of misleading because of the whole “now” part. Does that mean you just want to see where things go? Or is it off the table completely?
Anyway, just food for thought. Things to figure out before expressing to another person what you need or want.
Yikes. LW, back away from this guy. Even if you were ready for a serious relationship, this is not the guy you want one with. Just from your letter, it sounds like he is a narcissistic creep that could turn abusive. I have had a few abusive exes, and yes, they all came on fast and strong. Within a few weeks of dating, I was told how I was the best thing that happened to them, they were falling in love, etc etc. This is just a ploy to reel you in! I know it sounds extreme and dramatic, but these are pretty big warning signs. Let him off gently and don’t give in to any of his demands after. He might beg you to stay and work it out- don’t. You “dated” for a week. Just MOA.
MOA. Yesterday.
Dump this guy yesterday, block his number, and do NOT let him know where you live. Unless you want to end up on one of those “Worst Ex Ever” shows for being stalked and m*urdered. Seriously, this has future restraining order written all over it.
A week? Was that a typo? Can you really be “dating” after a week? This guy is scary and you need to get out.