“How Can I Trust My Lying Sibling?”
Long ago, I lied to my parents, as many teenagers do, and it must have broken their hearts. But they were patient and steady, and I matured and apologized, and we now have a deeply trusting relationship. So I know restoration is possible.
The liar in my life now is an adult sibling. They’ve been caught before and promised to address and repair, but here we are again. I love them, I want a relationship, but not a superficial one. I can’t just pretend like everything is fine.
I don’t believe there’s been any malice. Their lies are likely intertwined with anxiety and addiction. So how do we begin to heal? What steps can be taken towards trusting them again? It’s so hard for me to see a path forward after years of great times that now feel tainted by deception. — Tainted Love
You give two examples of potential mistrust in a relationship – your spouse lying to you and you lying to your parents as a teenager. In the latter example, which is a real-life example, you say that your parents were patient and steady while you matured and later apologized and now you have a deeply trusting relationship. In the former example, which is purely hypothetical, you say that if your spouse were unfaithful to you and didn’t immediately confess and apologize, the relationship would be over and nothing could fix it. I’m not sure whether the difference in these examples is the nature of the relationships themselves, the age of the people doing the lying, or what person is in the position of giving forgiveness. In the examples you’ve given, when you are the one who has lied, you’ve been granted patience and the relationships deepen as a result. When you are the one who has been wronged, you do not exhibit patience or empathy and the relationship is destroyed.
If you want to save your relationship with your sibling, it would seem that based on the pattern of such examples in your own life, you would be better off extending patience and compassion and empathy while your sibling works through their own internal struggle. If you want specific steps for how to build trust again and how to not let the taste of betrayal taint the happy memories you’ve shared with your sibling, maybe your parents are a good resource for that. If they successfully did exactly what you’re asking when it came to their relationship with you, they might advise a similar response for you to embrace with your sibling.
Generally, my advice for someone who wants to maintain a relationship with someone struggling with anxiety and addiction is to prioritize your own needs and self-care, maintain boundaries that support your mental health, and devote energy into helping the person struggling in ways that honor your boundaries. When it comes to addiction, you might find a support group for families and loved ones of addicts to be helpful. You can find such groups online and in person through online searches or reaching out to anyone you know and trust who has been in a similar situation. So many people know the unique pain of loving someone through addiction and it may be especially helpful to connect to those who are further along the path and can provide guidance from their current vantage point.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
At the end expectations hurts.