“I’m a Baffled Bridesmaid”
Her mom is pushing her to move the wedding date back a couple months but my friend won’t consider it. She even thinks her dress (which was ordered two sizes too small to begin with since she was planning on losing weight) will fit her fine, and that everything will go as previously planned. I know it’s not ideal but I really don’t want her to regret having the wedding so soon after giving birth. Her fiancé is getting stressed out about it and I feel like the tension is so thick when I’m around them. As a friend (and bridesmaid), is there any way I can help my friend without sounding pushy like her mother? I’ve tried to talk to her but she refuses to discuss the wedding. Help! — Sidelined
You’re right that your friend probably has no idea what to expect with her first baby. If she did, surely she would know that a formal wedding four weeks after giving birth is a bad idea — at least the sort of wedding that hinges on a dress fitting perfectly and every detail being met without a hitch. Unfortunately, if you and your friend’s mom have already tried to talk sense into her and she isn’t having it, then there probably isn’t much you can do … for now. But wait a few more weeks until she’s in her second trimester and try again then.
That’s because right now your friend’s hormones are raging, she’s likely exhausted, and probably feeling emotional and overwhelmed with all the upcoming changes in her life. By the time her second trimester rolls around, her hormones will be stabilizing a bit, the shock of her pregnancy will be settling in, and she will hopefully be more receptive to helpful advice. Then, as calmly as you can, lay out your reasons why moving the wedding up just a few months would make a world of difference, and be sure to let her know that whatever she decides, you’ve got her back and you’ll be there to support her.
Obviously, you can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do, even if what she wants is completely idiotic. All you can do is express your opinion and hope it’s taken as you intend it. If your friend still refuses to change her wedding date, hang on tight and be prepared for a lot of tears and stress in the coming months. Clearly, this is a period where your friend is going to need you more than ever, so be there for her as much as you can, but set some boundaries, too, and remember that her life is not your life. She’s made her bed here and she’s gotta lie in it. You can try to make her comfortable, but it’s not your job to crawl in there with her. One more thing: this dress would look lovely on a bride with a baby bump and swollen boobs. Maybe you could show it to her in a few weeks to get the wheels turning? Good luck!
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Great Advice – One quick point to potential brides out there – Never Never order your wedding dress to small with the intention of losing weight! Even if you do achieve your goal it is an added stress.
I was JUST going to say the same thing! GMTA, ArtsyGirl. 😉
I would add that for bridesmaids too. My mom was baffled when I was MOH in my best friend’s wedding that I wasn’t going to do this. Mind you, her wedding was planned very quickly, and I knew I wasn’t going to lose 10-20 lbs in two months.
I’ve heard that a lot of brides actually gain weight before their wedding b/c of the stress.
There’s no way to know how the bride will handle the post-partum period, and she might be feeling great by the wedding, but she might also be dealing with the “baby blues” or physical recovery issues. However, she’s clearly not interested in hearing anything contrary to it being a good idea, though, so I would be cautious about pushing the issue. If the LW does decide to mention this to her again, there is one thing that she should point out to her, though – she might not deliver the baby until up to two weeks _after_ her due date, and if she has a c-section, she’ll be in the hospital for five days after that…that leaves just over a week until her wedding date. (However, she might also deliver early.)
There is a lot of uncertainty with a wedding scheduled that close to her due date, and while I understand the LW’s concern, this is ultimately between the bride and her future husband.
Does the LW know the fiance well enough to talk to him about it? She mentioned that he’s getting stressed out about it. Maybe if she gave him Wendy’s advice, HE could be the one to talk to her after her hormones have calmed down. She might be more willing to listen to the man she’s about to marry rather than outsiders.
It sounds to me like her life just got flipped upside down right when she was in the stage of “I’m in control, I’m planning my wedding, this is how my life is supposed to be right now.” I’m taking a guess here that she is holding on to this date because everything else in her life is completely changing (and scary!),and this is the one tangible thing she CAN control.
I agree that it’s a very emotional stage for her right now, so I’d wait it out a few weeks before saying anything. As a close friend, I believe it’s within your rights to express concern that she won’t be physically and emotionally ready for a wedding that soon. But if she’s still resistant, don’t push it because ultimately of course it’s not your decision.
I agree she’s probably trying to keep control of the one thing she feels she can right now. Hopefully after she has time to process that she really is going to have a baby 4 weeks before her wedding she’ll be able to hear what people are trying to tell her and be receptive to ideas of how to change the wedding date. She might also be dealing with the fact that maybe she always thought she’d already be married before she had a baby?
There is nothing anyone can say or do. I would stay away from the topic entirely. She’s either going to change her mind on her own or she won’t and gently bringing it up is bound to backfire in a horrible way.
The truth is another dress will be easy to come by (I know lots of brides who purchased one dress and then changed their mind and got another) and, while the new mom will be exhausted, the little baby will be will be at that magical stage where he/she can be in a crowded, noisy room and be sound asleep and happily passed from one loving relative to the other.
SOME newborns are chill and can sleep all the time and be passed around. MANY other newborns are colicky and cry their heads off non stop.
Give her some time. I actually am in a similar situation. I am Maid of Honor in a wedding for a childhood friend that recently discovered she is pregnant. Unlike the case with your bride, the wedding is scheduled before the birth, but that means it has been a whirlwind production. In addition to normal wedding stress, the bride is facing the challenge of adjusting to a radically different life plan. Also, particularly since she has always taken pride in maintaining her beautiful dancer’s physique, the physical changes of her body are a difficult adjustment. And, as Wendy said, the extra hormones are no fun either. Your bride will require time to accept her new life situation. I don’t know her previous life plans, but my bride is young, very fun, and on the professional track. Naturally, her pregnancy drastically impacts all of her dreams and plans. As much of a blessing as a child can be, there are always sacrifices; and, since the pregnancy was unplanned, your friend is probably not mentally ready for those sacrifices. Once she makes peace with this new development (and leaves her first trimester behind), she will be mentally ready to be more rational about the future. I wouldn’t bring up her wedding dress if you can avoid that, though…I have discovered that to be a very sticky topic. Hopefully that will take care of itself as wedding plans change.
LW, you’re between a rock and a hard place… If I were the bride, I would like to have my wedding before the baby arrives. I’m a bit old-school, but if I were in the bride’s shoes, I would like my baby to be born within the marriage. It seems that for your friend, getting married is not a question of ‘if’, but ‘when’.
That being said, there’s not much you can do about it. As Wendy said, it’s your friend’s choice, and she has to live with it. The only thing you can do is being supportive (unconditionally), deal with her hormones, and not let her get through to you (my friend was quite a bitch to me when she was pregnant, but we’re all good now 🙂 ). Maybe take her shopping for a new wedding dress a couple of weeks before the wedding?
I think there is very little you can do to change her mind. Maybe you can do as much good by talking about pregnancy and childbirth without specifically saying you think she should change the wedding date. If you commented about how surprised you were to learn that most first babies are usually overdue and other pregnancy facts it might make her start thinking about her situation.
As a slender woman who has given birth twice and gotten my shape back both times I can say that it does take time. The uterus itself takes time to shrink down to prepregnancy size. I think that alone takes from six weeks to two months. The bride is probably thinking about how she will look so much better/slimmer after the baby is born so would prefer that over a marriage before the baby is born. These are the kinds of facts that might help her see her plan won’t work as she wishes.
Also, one month after the baby is born it still isn’t sleeping through the night and you are doing middle of the night feedings which leave you exhausted. During a first birth most women either end up with an episiotomy or a c-section. Both leave you incredibly sore and unable to have sex at four weeks after childbirth. I can’t imagine going on a honeymoon with a newborn infant and an incision that is painful when touched. If the baby went two weeks overdue, which is incredibly common, then she could be extremely uncomfortable or even in pain for the ceremony. Plus, after childbirth the period that follows goes for about a month and is horribly heavy. I’m not trying to be disgusting but I can’t imagine trying to get married with that going on.
It’s a good point about no sex. As I understand it, they typically recommend 6 weeks of no sex after giving birth… Putting this wedding smack in that time frame. No sex on the wedding night sounds horrific. 🙁
I really sympathize with her position though. I’m sure she’s torn between feeling excited about a baby but vexed at the timing of it all, especially when she has so many things already settled.
Food for thought – and the LW would have the answer to this better than I would – that maybe the bride is worried about the social stigma of having a baby out of wedlock. I’m not saying that stigma isn’t batshit crazy, but it is still there, and having to postpone a wedding may seem either like a further acknowledgment of that perceived shame or that the perception might be that the relationship is on the rocks, perhaps as a result of the pregnancy. Not that it changes how bonkers it is to try to get married a month after popping out a kid, but imagine the practicalities of having to inform everyone the wedding is pushed back. Either you tell everyone why, which she may see as embarrassing, or you don’t, in which case they assume someone is having second thoughts.
Right now, in addition to pregnancy mood swings, she’s possibly feeling really insecure and cannot possibly subject herself to one more indignity. Hopefully with a lot of support over the pregnancy, she can relax and realize everyone REALLY just wants her to do what’s going to be the least stressful for her, no one’s judging her, etc, etc. Hopefully. And if not, Wendy’s right, set your boundaries, stick to ’em, and be as supportive as you can within those constraints. Good luck!
What about moving the wedding to several months after the baby is born so she can lose baby weight and wear the dress then? Or have it sooner and yes, I agree about not ordering a dress two sizes too small especially with so little time, get the size you are in a style that is flattering, you don’t even have to wear white, that is something Victoria did so it became tradition but brides used to get married all sorts of colors, it might be too late to change the dress size though, bridal salons have very strict no refund policies and changes because so many weddings get called off and they would never make any money with all the dresses being returned.
A new baby will be a lot of stress but it sounds like she can’t tell this friend anything, too bad they can’t do like Doutzen Kroes did and get married around 8 months in the pregnancy and have a lovely wedding and then the wedding is over and they enjoy the baby when it comes.
I have no advice, since Wendy put it best, aside from urging the bride to truly think this through. I bet she’ll come around. The small details of planning a wedding are stressful enough without the added pressure of having a newborn baby! Will the focus of the wedding be less on the marriage and more on the newborn? Will there be a combined baby shower and bridal shower? Will people feel obligated to purchase two gifts, or will everyone end up just giving them something for the baby? And this is assuming that the baby is not delivered late and the bride is in good health. Silly little questions in the scheme of things, but worth asking.
I know this sounds superficial, but there’s a huge HUGE chance your friend doesn’t want to be pregnant in her wedding photos.
Yes, a baby will be a huge stress and maybe the day won’t be superawesomeperfect, but I don’t think anyone is going to convince her to change the date, and even if you do, she’ll probably resent it.
Okay, obviously, this isn’t my area of expertise… But why the heck would somebody allow themselves to get pregnant if they are so obsessed with having the perfect wedding? I mean, this isn’t 1811, you know? There are these amazing things out there now called birth control — look into it. Already I hear the it can fail arguments coming. Really? Can it? Somehow among my many, many, many heterosexual friends I know of NOBODY it’s ever failed with… Seriously, not a one. Oh, sure, there have been plenty of unplanned events, but trust me… Birth Control was NOT involved. I dunno… Just seems silly and careless and reckless to me. So much so that if I were the LW I’d find better things to worry about. Trust me, the world has far bigger problems than this at the present moment.
PS to Jena — You are probably 100% right about the wedding photos. Too bad the bride isn’t factoring in how HAGGARD she will look just four weeks afterward… I mean, I know from the experience of my sister and many, many friends that the very first month is beyond rough… Your body is exhausted. Meanwhile, sleep in often impossible to come by.
Actually I HAVE known several people to get pregnant while either on the pill or using condoms. It happens – and sometimes it even happens to people that are very regular and methodical about taking it (if we’re talking the pill).
That said, I agree – that if you know you’re planning a big wedding it’s not a bad idea to double up just to be sure to avoid situations like this.
And I really don’t know what to say about your haggard comment… I get what you’re saying and I’m sure a mom of 4 weeks is utterly exhausted… but that doesn’t mean they can’t dress cute and put on makeup to feel extra pretty in order to combat their feelings of exhaustion.
Wow, your friends are incredibly lucky. I know of 2 couples who had gotten pregnant when the wife was on the pill. They then started using condoms in addition to the pill and got pregnant again! Yes, this happened to two different couples. Another friend got pregnant with an IUD in place. Those things are supposed to be as effective as sterilization. So birth control, even when used correctly, can and does fail.
Were they using the pill right? I’ve known people who were “on the pill” who would regularly go “Oh crap I missed my last 4 pills” and take 5 that day, thinking it would still work. If you don’t take it at the exact same time every day, it’s not very effective.
I’ve been on the pill for 8 years and still happily have no children. I don’t believe it’s luck. It’s science. At noon every day (to the minute!) I pop my pill and go about my merry way. And my bf and I have never used condoms. We’re monogamous so there’s no point. Those little pills must be doing their job well.
As far as I know. I mean, these were married couples with a couple of (planned)kids already. So I assume they knew what they were doing. LOL
Here’s an effectiveness chart, courtesy of Planned Parenthood:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/birth-control-effectiveness-chart-22710.htm
I would have to say that redessa and ladiejoy’s friends are incredibly UNlucky! Don’t drink the water there, ladies! A 2-8% chance with the pill and you know two couples that got pregnant? And that 8% chance is only when you DON’T take it 100% correctly. If you take it at the same exact time every day its a 1% chance.
Right, most unplanned pregnancies involve improperly used birth control… That’s all I’m saying….
From what I remember from my pill packet, it said that, of those using birth control correctly, 1 in 100 women will get pregnant in the course of a year while on the pill. I think that’s a little different than 1%, and it makes sense that out of everyone using birth control, people on here would know that 1 person out of 100 that got pregnant in a given year….
Plus, there are some people that it just doesn’t work as well for, regardless of how religiously they take it.
The only guarantee is abstinence honey. I’ve had four kids. Only one was planned.
My first – perfectly working condom.
My second – planned.
Third – failed birth control (oops, the anti-depressant I was on counter-acted my birth control pill and they didn’t know it!)
Fourth – failed birth control again (oops, the migraine medication and alternate pain medication we put you on to prep you for neck surgery counter-acted your birth control and we didn’t know it would do that – sorry!) (needless to say, I didn’t get to have that neck surgery that I mentioned)
I do agree that most people don’t get pregnant while using their birth control. Most. There are admitted failure rates when you use the birth control correctly. There is a higher chance of failure when you don’t use it correctly.
Reading that I’m a bit ashamed on behalf of my future profession. People should know this! I’m only in the second year of my education for becoming a doctor, and the reason you got your third kid has already been featured in our curriculum.
It’s really sad that people don’t know how to check something like the British National Formulary 🙁 (Or the American equivalent)
@AKchic: I think you just argued the opposite side. For your third and fourth kids, the birth control didn’t fail, you or your doctor did. It clearly states in the information that comes with the pills that other medications can alter the pills effectiveness. And as for the “perfectly working condom”, if it was old, had been exposed to heat or cold, or a number of other things, it’s effectiveness goes waaaay down.
I think you make a great argument, although unintentionally, that just because a man put on a condom or a woman popped a pill that morning, it can’t be counted as “using protection”.
If condoms failed in the gay community as often as they seem to in the straight community, all the gays would be dead. Seriously. I’m personally 20 years into this epidemic and NOT a one of my many, many gay friends has come down with HIV. (Thank GOD!) And trust me, more than a few of them have so many notches in their belts that they would have to have 1000 inch waistlines just to fit them all on one piece of leather.
Call me cynical, but the straight world is either really stupid when it comes to how to properly use a condom of inexplicably cursed…
I thought you were talking about condoms preventing pregnancies not HIV?
I’ve known two girls my age (22) who got pregnant while on the pill.
Um, condoms — when used effectively SHOULD do both….
Should do, yeah, but they don’t always (condoms are only 85% effective against STD’s. Though using them properly helps a lot, and 85% less chance of getting HIV is very much worth it!
Wow. I’ve got nothing for this poor girl! ANYTHING she says will not be taken in the right way. Getting married turns women into a basket cases. There’s nothing they can do about it. Its a product of our society – girls are told how important their wedding day is from the time they are little and everyone from their family, his family and all their friends are telling them about what they do and don’t like in the wedding or trying to guilt them into doing something they don’t want/can’t afford. It’s frustrating. Best to just be supportive and ride it out for a couple of weeks. My guess is she will come around once it finally hits her that she’s having a baby. Besides – is she really going to go on a honeymoon with a 4 week old baby??
You could always try buying her one of those new parent books. A really detailed one about what your body is like within 6 weeks of giving birth. It’s the sort of book she’ll need anyway, and as a good friend it shows that you’re interested in her new life, but it also takes the reasons why a wedding so close to a birth out of your mouth and puts them in her head first. People like to think that they come up with things first, and if she’s very controlling about the wedding planning, she’ll be really controlling about the delaying of the wedding too.
One other thing that I just thought of – how much money does she already have sunk into the event? So she needs to move it, but the venue isn’t available, therefore she’s lost her deposit and needs to find a new venue, ditto for the caterer, the tent rental and whatever else she’s already ponied up for and then, by the way, here’s a new life you’ll have to pay for, starting with a hospital bill!! I can totally understand why she’s freaked out, stressed out and in denial.
Remind her that she’s marrying the guy of her dreams, she’s having what will certainly be a beautiful baby, and wait for the other shoe to drop when she realizes just how cray-cray she’s been and decides to move the date… and in case that doesn’t happen, start looking for a REALLY awesome sitter right now. She’s going to need one and everyone she trusts is probably already coming to the wedding.
Sorry, that wasn’t really a reply, but I couldn’t figure out how to move it, just modify it…
Long time reader – first time commentor… I am compelled to write because I just had my first baby. I insisted that I would be back to work 2 weeks after I had my baby – boy was I wrong. I don’t think I truly knew all that was involved with having a baby – I read the books, and I thought I knew what I was up against, but the reality was so much different.
IMO – after she has gotten through the first trimester – someone close to her should really try to discuss the issues involved with having a wedding so soon after giving birth – IN DETAIL. I.e. – if she “tears” during labor, she can count on at least 4 weeks, if not more, of recovery. She may not be able to sit down or move around as well as usual becuase she may still be healing and may still have stictches down there. It hurts!!! Who wants to be in pain (or drugged up on pain pills) during their wedding?Even 4 weeks after giving birth, she may still be bleeding. Who wants to be bleeding while wearing a WHITE dress??? Also, like others have said, she is going to be exhausted from lack of sleep (and yes it is possible to put on makeup, but makeup won’t make her any less tired)…. and unable to have sex yet. No sex on the wedding night? Booooo. Plus trying to get through the wedding/reception with a newborn who is hungry every 2 – 3 hours and having to change diapers just as often will be next to impossible. And her body WILL NOT be ready for that dress – she’s setting herself up for disappoinment. I’m a very small person – I was only 90 lbs before I got pregnant, topped out at 135 by the time I gave birth, was back down to 105 only 4 weeks after having the baby (which is almost unheard of) but I still cannot fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, more or less something that was 2 sizes too small to start with. Someone needs to get through to her or her dream day will inevitably be ruined by her eagerness.
LW – She will change her mind come the end of her pregnancy. Either she will realize it before the baby is born, or right after. Babies don’t come on a mother’s time table. First borns tend to be “late”. I use quotations because doctors consider all pregnancies based on a standard 28 day cycle. This obviously varies from person to person, and even if you know the exact day you got pregnant, it’s not a guarantee that the baby will be born 9 months to the day from that date. Out of four children, not a single one was born on their due date. Three were “late” and one was “early”.
Your friend will come around on her own eventually. If she is late, and has no complications during the pregnancy, they will let her go as long as two weeks past her due date “just in case” they were wrong about her due date. If she still hasn’t delivered, then the “fun” begins. Membrane scraping is first. It doesn’t hurt, just uncomfortable. Then induction. Inducing labor is MUCH harder than natural labor, regardless of whether she opts for pain medication or not. Of course, there’s always the very common instance of tearing, which requires stitches (they desolve after a while). Depending on how rough labor was, she may not even want to wear regular pants for a few weeks and want to wear only sweats. Sex will be a no-go until the stitches are gone. Not to mention the baby.
Not being able to have sex on your wedding night/honeymoon sucks. And who is going to want to leave their newborn (aged 1-4 weeks old) with someone while they go away for 1-10 days? Nobody. It’s too risky, and no first time parent will want to do it.
Give it 3-4 months, and she’ll have changed her mind on it.
SO I’m going to write about the other side of this. My thesis advisor went back to work 4 days after her daughter was born, granted, this woman has a will of diamonds or palladium or something like that, but what I’m trying to point out is that it can be done. And if your friend is that set about having her wedding 4 weeks after the baby, as long as said baby is born on time, sheer will power could do it, as well as the personality of the mother. My aunt just had a baby, and let’s just say she leads a slightly pampered life. It took her so long to get back into a routine it was crazy. I also have a friend who had a baby right around the same time, she’s is no where near as pampered, and she got back into a routine like wow. And of the two babies, my aunt’s is the better behaved in terms of feedings and crying. In terms of size, no two women grow to be the same size, so that’s a shot in the dark.
Aside from all the random background info, I have a talk with the fiancee about deposits. What you may not be taking into consideration is that they may loose the deposit if they move the wedding. Maye the everything is already booked for two months after the wedding. And honestly, what pregnant woman wants to plan a wedding all over again?
It sounds to me like maybe the LW is also trying to give herself something to focus on so she won’t have to worry about this pregnancy. I don’t mean that the stress of it is healthy for her, the unborn child, or the fiance, but that it is perhaps substituting for any anxiety she’s having about the pregnancy and being a new mother.
My advice is to say nothing at all. This situation is still so new, and I imagine that it probably hasn’t sunk in yet just what her body will go through over the next several months, particularly if she hasn’t started showing yet. No doubt her fiance and her have discussed this, and I’m sure their families have provided advice. As her friend, the only thing you really can do is ride it out with her. Be her shoulder to cry on. Offer to help out more. If she comes to you and asks you what she should do, provide her with facts and make sure she knows you’re in her corner no matter what she decides. This is ultimately up to her, her fiance, and their families what is best to be done. She’s got a lot on her plate right now and she’s going to need you more than ever, so just being there for her will be the best thing. Eventually, the reality of her life is going to set in and she’ll start making decisions based on what is best for her and her family. If she decides to keep the same date, it WILL be crazy for while, but come November, you’re role in the insanity will be over.
And, like other posters have said, she may HAVE to keep the same date. Since they have already put down deposits on everything, it will be tough to get that money back. A lot of vendors don’t do refunds, except in extreme circumstances (which this isn’t), and they’ll be out a lot of money by moving the date.
This is somewhat unrelated to the issue at hand (mostly because I believe the majority of Wendy’s advice and the topics were spot-on), but why is a mani-pedi, spa day, etc. the go-to ‘relaxing’ activity columnists always seem to advise for women? If I were a dude, I’d think all I have to do to calm a raging hormonal female was to deposit her at the nearest salon.
I guess my confusion comes from the fact that none of my female friends or I follow this mold. Bookstores, coffee shops, rock climbing walls, the woods, and the beach are the comfort/relaxation destinations for my inner circle. If my friend tried to take me to get a mani-pedi to calm me down enough to broach a serious subject, I would lock her in a room and try to determine if she was a pod person, having a psychotic break, or had possibly been body-swapped with her mom Lindsay Lohan style. I understand that the mani-pedi is just an example, but it just seems to me that it’s ALWAYS the example. Mix it up.
I wouldn’t say the mani-pedi suggestion is necessarily my go-to for people who need to relax, but when you’re talking about a pregnant woman, as is the case here, I don’t think rock-climbing is going to work. Something like a pampering experience — yes, a spa service — is great because it gets the tired, hormonal pregnant lady off her feet and disarms her a bit so that she is hopefully more receptive to the advice of her friend. And I would hope anyone reading my advice would know her friend far better than I do and adjust mt advice accordingly.