Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “Should I Tell My Sugar Daddy I’m Pregnant?”

I’ve been a paid companion for some time and have been involved with my current sugar daddy for a while. He lives in another state and pays me twice monthly pretty well. Well, now I’m about 6 weeks pregnant with someone else’s baby, not a client’s. I plan on waiting to tell SD for as long as possible, but I’m still nervous. Any tips on how to tell him and explain our arrangement should continue on as normal? — Pregnant Sugar Baby

How do you know the baby isn’t a client’s? If you’ve had sex with a client in the last two months, it could be his. I hope this isn’t your only source of income and that you aren’t depending on it to help raise your baby-to-be. If you are, you need to figure out something else very quickly. Your arrangement with your sugar daddy is not going to continue as normal. It’s a matter of weeks before he will know you’re pregnant – depending on your size, you could start “showing” by the end of your first trimester — and it’s likely he won’t want to continue “companioning” with you at that point. And even if he does, it’s very likely that you won’t want to. But since you asked, here’s a script: “You may have noticed that I look a little different. That’s because I’m pregnant.” And then you wait for him to tell you how he’d like to proceed since he’s the paying customer and it’s not up to you to decide what his response should be.

My boyfriend posts about “me” on social media. but he says exactly the same thing, word for word, that he used to say about his ex-girlfriend. She liked roses, so he always gets me roses. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a daisy/sunflower kind of girl, but he doesn’t seem to get the point. I appreciate that he gets me flowers in general, but it doesn’t make me feel special to be treated exactly the same as his last girlfriend, which I have spoken about to him in the exact same words.

I want him to make me feel special by saying what he loves about me or what he sees in me that makes me special and not by using a copy-pasted paragraph that he posted about the last girl. Do men even try anymore? He should know enough about me to know what it is about me that makes him love me as he claims he does. If he’s just gonna recycle the same lines, I’d rather him not post anything about me at all. It’s embarrassing to have your boyfriend say the same thing about you that he said about the girl he dated before you. If you can’t see that I’m worth more than that generic fake robot shit, why am I even dating you!? — Sunflower Girl

 
I mean, I guess some people would ask why you’re relying on what he says about you on social media to make you feel special. If he’s not doing or saying anything offline to make you feel special, you have a problem. Of course there are men who notice the differences among women, and who celebrate those differences and acknowledge what is special about the particular ones they choose to love. If you don’t feel yours is doing that and you’ve talked to him about it without anything changing, then he either doesn’t think you’re special or he doesn’t have a clue how to express his feelings in a way that doesn’t seem totally generic. Either way, it doesn’t sound like he can meet your needs and that you should MOA.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

39 comments… add one
  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine June 29, 2018, 9:08 am

    Seriously LW1? You don’t sound remotely ready to be a mother. Please consider your options. Otherwise you should start looking for fetish work.

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    JD June 29, 2018, 9:09 am

    Ah posting online constantly about how great your significant othe is. A sure fire way to know your relationship actually sucks.

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      MissD June 29, 2018, 9:26 am

      LMAO this is one thing I actually 100% agree with. I have a friend who goes through the same social media cycle over and over.

      Step 1: Update relationship status as “In a Relationship with John Doe” and write all about how he is the LOVE OF HER LIFE!

      Step 2: Continue posting constantly about how incredible her man is, and how she’s the luckiest girl in the world and how she has found her soul mate. Tags him in everything. Checks in with him everywhere. Posts pictures of the flowers and gifts her man got her. “Doing X, Y, Z with my man!” This step lasts about 6 months.

      Step 3: Post about breakup, and how she is a STRONG and INDEPENDENT woman who will rise above! How she doesn’t need a man, how she is finding herself!

      Step 4: Repeat Step 1 with new man.

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        JD June 29, 2018, 9:34 am

        Wait? You know my cousin??? Haha. I’ve never known someone with so many loves of her life. But don’t worry she is a strong woman who doesn’t need a man…for about 24 hours.

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    ron June 29, 2018, 9:21 am

    LW #2:
    Don’t assume his ex actually liked roses or that the nice things he posted about her on-line applied any more accurately to her than to you. He seems a very shallow, unempathetic, unobserving, not-caring-all-that-much guy who just goes through the motions with words and actions he cribbed from somewhere.

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    Northern Star June 29, 2018, 9:30 am

    LW 1: Here’s my tip. Figure out now what you’re going to do when your john decides he’s done with you. You’ll be a mother. Get a job your kid can be proud of.

    LW 2: Why are you dating someone who can’t distinguish you from ‘generic girl #5’? Dump him.

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      JD June 29, 2018, 9:36 am

      I get that she doesn’t love it but he doesn’t sound like an asshole. Maybe he just needs a thesaurus. It’s a jump to say he’s awful because he has limited vocabulary and buys roses. I’ve called every man I ever dated “babe”. I just be a jerk.

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      Savannnah June 29, 2018, 11:17 am

      Sex workers can be mothers.

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    Unwanted_Truth June 29, 2018, 9:37 am

    If I may chime in, I’ve known of a few people who have “sugar daddies” or ” paid companionship” , most of the “sugar babies” , ugh sorry, don’t actually have sex with the client. Some do, most don’t, and given he is in another state, it’s quite possible she has not gotten pregnant by the client.

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      Northern Star June 29, 2018, 10:01 am

      She said it’s not “a” client’s. So she’s got multiple johns. And someone else. I don’t buy that someone calling herself a sugar baby refuses to have sex with her johns.

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        JD June 29, 2018, 10:03 am

        Agree, I hear a lot of them say they don’t but I just do not buy it.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark June 29, 2018, 10:54 am

      Oh please. They always CLAIM they don’t have sex with their Daddies — sure. But honestly? I never thought anybody was gullible enough to swallow that line of b.s…

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark June 29, 2018, 10:49 am

    LW1). Get an abortion now. While women still can.

    LW2) do WOMEN even try any more. Seems like most of you LWs just date whatever nimrod comes along and then whine. About your own poor choices.

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    Norabb June 29, 2018, 12:00 pm

    Disappointed to see the negative attitudes you all have about sex workers. Smh

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 29, 2018, 4:38 pm

      I actually don’t have negative attitudes toward sex workers — or at least not consciously (though I’m sure there are subconscious bias from the way I was socialized to view sex workers); I do think a sex worker needs to be realistic about how pregnancy and subsequent motherhood is going to affect her earning potential.

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    LisforLeslie June 29, 2018, 12:28 pm

    @BGM – I can tell you that in some stages in life (or in some choices one makes) then every god damned message is about finding a man, having a man, keeping a man, finding a new man. I have known women that have put deposits down on wedding venues before having a boyfriend. I have known women who hated their husbands but wanted to be married more than be alone. Being desirable to some schmuck is all you need care about because then you’re worth something. It can be overwhelming and terrifying to see it up close (I was in a sorority – there is no more concentrated petri dish). For some it’s all encompassing.

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      fyodor July 1, 2018, 7:29 pm

      My wife went to a college in a rural area where many students aimed to obtain “MRS” degrees. A friend of hers got engaged sophomore year, reserved the college chapel for graduation weekend, broke up with her boyfriend, held the venue, and married someone else she met*

      *they subsequently got divorced. Turns out venue retention isn’t the strongest foundation for a marriage.

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    dinoceros June 29, 2018, 1:26 pm

    LW1: I’m not sure you can explain that the arrangement “should” continue as normal. You can say that you’d like for it to, but he gets a say too. And obviously, it can’t actually continue as normal indefinitely. It WILL end at some point.

    LW2: I assume that he posts on social media and gives flowers because he knows he “should,” rather than it being how he conveys his feelings for someone. It’s a task to check off for him as a boyfriend. The social media thing is a little silly — most couples I know don’t post about each other on social media, so it’s a nonissue. For the flowers, have you done more than “mention”? Like have you told him explicitly you’d prefer him to give you other flowers?

    If so, and he’s clearly not changing, then I guess I’d turn your question back on you. Why are you dating him? You ask it as though HE’S weird for being with you, but you’re the one who thinks your boyfriend conflates you with his ex.

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    anonymousse June 29, 2018, 5:14 pm

    LW2…maybe he is trying, but he just doesn’t have any creativity. Tell him what you like, and tell him what you don’t like. Tell him, face to face without emotion in a neutral setting and time. Don’t do it right after he’s given you flowers, or right after he’s posted about you, or right after you’ve had a fight or talked about his ex.

    My husband forgets my very specific flower preferences. In the grand scheme of things, is it that important to me? No.

    The social media thing…he’s posting about you. That’s good, right?

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      JD June 29, 2018, 5:21 pm

      Ya I am not comprehending why he is some horrible boyfriend because he gets different flowers than she mentioned and says nice things about her on social media but not the exact words she wishes. I assume she is rather young if social media matters that way to her, kids aren’t great at relationships, that’s not shocking. She sounds ungrateful and high maintenance to me, he sounds like he does a lot of trying.

      I am sure LW will write back that she totally buried the lead and actually he has 12 babies with other women or something but if not then I just don’t get why this guy is so wrong and she should leave. If anything she should leave so she can find someone who can manage her wildly high expectations.

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        ron June 29, 2018, 6:09 pm

        JD and anonymousse —
        It’s not that he doesn’t say the exact right thing on social media. She is complaining that he says the EXACT WORD-FOR-FOR WORD THINGS he said about his ex on social media. It’s not that he brings the wrong flowers; it’s that she has listed her preferences and he persists in bringing the flowers his ex likes. He isn’t treating her at all like an individual. That seems a big problem to me.

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        anonymousse June 29, 2018, 7:16 pm

        Ron, I gave her some suggestions. And I tried to redirect her to consider the good parts of what he’s doing. She can’t control his behavior. So she can try a few thing I suggested or break up with him, which I assume she doesn’t want to do, considering she hasn’t.

        Thanks for using caps to make me understand the problem better. That’s really helpful.

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      JD June 29, 2018, 6:30 pm

      First, serious insecurity issues if she has read everything he posted about an ex on social media. Who would even know that it’s the same unless they stalked social media. That’s not healthy.

      Second, men assume everyone likes roses. She may have just said “oh I like daisies” in passing. I once told my ex I didn’t like roses to save him money frankly and told him I liked something else instead. Aalllll I ever got was that flower. When i mentioned “oh not just that” still nothing but. He wasn’t being inconsiderate just a bit dense and trying to be nice. I think it’s being blown way out of proportion. Furthermore I bet she doesn’t like the roses simply because the ex did.

      I see insecurity and no appreciation.

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      ron June 29, 2018, 8:59 pm

      “The social media thing…he’s posting about you. That’s good, right?”
      But, he’s not posting about her. He’s either posting his generic b.s. or he’s posting about his ex, with her name substituted. If he were actually posting about her, then he would post something at least somewhat unique.

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        ron June 29, 2018, 9:00 pm

        Makes here seem like totally fungible female person.

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    anonymousse June 29, 2018, 5:15 pm

    LW1… just tell him the next time you communicate, and if you want it to continue, let him know that.

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    carolann June 29, 2018, 8:35 pm

    You can accuse me of having negatve attitudes about sex workers if you want to, but I don’t believe sex work and motherhood should mix and I don’t think I am a bad person for saying that. If a person thinks that sex work is a good option for them… (like say they are working their way throughschool) then more power to them, but having children and sex work should not mix IMO. Besides sex work shouldn’t be considered a career. I am thinking there isn’t a big demand for middle age + sex workers although I would guess there may be a few. It is something you kind of age out of like stripping / exotic dancing. (Although I think Blondie may still be at the Clermont lounge) I don’t really consider dancing “sex work” though.

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    Pregnant Sugar Baby July 5, 2018, 12:28 pm

    Wow! Some of you are really negative, have you ever heard the phrase look on the bright side? I am 100% excited to become a mother. There is no chance that the baby could be SD. I know who the father is and him and I have been involved for years. It’s pretty twisted to those of you suggesting abortion since no one close to me suggested that, hell, I NEVER even considered that. If my SD backs away from me, fine, but honestly I don’t expect that. I’m 28 yo, have no children, and have expressed to him that I would want to be a mom eventually. Sure it happened sooner than expected, but this is completely separate from our arrangement. I think he will be disappointed at first, but I also think he will come around.

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      JD July 5, 2018, 1:32 pm

      Shocking how people form opinions base don the information you provide and had no way to know what you left out, huh? Shocking. We must all be evil.

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        JD July 5, 2018, 1:40 pm

        I should also note that if boyfriend is so great and you’ve been together a while then perhaps he should be supporting you not allowing other men to finance your child?!! You’d think that would bother him.

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        Northern Star July 5, 2018, 1:48 pm

        Why would it bother him? He’s happy with other men buying his [girlfriend? or whatever?] already. What would it matter if those other men are paying for his baby, too?

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        anonymousse July 5, 2018, 1:54 pm

        She asked for advice on one specific aspect of her situation. None of the other details even matter to give her the advice she asked for. And the negative opinions and “advice” she was given are pretty terrible.

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        JD July 5, 2018, 2:02 pm

        Eh. I don’t think telling a sex worker that bringing a child into that is a bad idea, is poor advice. I think many would agree.

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        Northern Star July 5, 2018, 2:04 pm

        I don’t think it’s terrible to tell a prostitute to find a different line of work.

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        JD July 5, 2018, 2:29 pm

        Uh ya both things she was told so um, exactly my point.

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    anonymousse July 5, 2018, 3:51 pm

    She didn’t ask for your opinions about her life.

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      ron July 5, 2018, 4:35 pm

      She asked how to tell one of her sugar daddy’s that she’s pregnant, but wants to keep their arrangement intact. The advice to quit the sugar baby business seems like valid advice. I think knowing that his sugar baby is a mother and that she has a steady bf will spoil the illusion that this guy is paying for. Telling him and keeping him as a client seems a pipe dream. I believe she knows that, which is why she wants to delay telling him as long as possible. She was just looking, as do so many posters for the secret words, which constitute a spell which will allow her to deny reality and keep everything she wants to keep. It’s a fantasy.

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      Northern Star July 5, 2018, 5:01 pm

      Everyone who writes in gets opinions about their life choices—even if their question isn’t specifically asking for it. What makes this particular person so special?

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        anonymousse July 5, 2018, 7:51 pm

        What makes her not special?
        Why type out those negative opinions? What good does it do?
        It’s friday. Lighten the fuck up.

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