“My Baby’s Due Soon and Our Roommate Still Hasn’t Moved Out!”
Our problem is our roommate, “Fred.” My fiancé and Fred have known each other since college and are very good friends. Fred moved in with my fiancé two years ago. He has a lot of furniture and loves living in the house and showing it off to friends. Before I moved in, the house was definitely a bachelor pad.
For the first three months that I lived here, things were fine. I was actually really excited to have Fred live in the house with the baby as he is also in his mid-40s, never married, has no kids, and seemed really excited to get to play “uncle.” He’s been a great sounding board for me to vent to about things I feel I can’t tell my fiancé, and overall he’s been a wonderful friend! But over the last month or two (or three) he’s been really unpleasant to be around. He gripes about how my fiancé and I leave dishes in the sink, that we are too spread out (a lot of it is baby stuff) and we don’t take care of the house.
The house is a small two-bedroom house located near the beach in a nice neighborhood. We all love this house. However, with three adults and a baby on the way, it’s become very cramped! We desperately need a nursery for the baby, and the roommate hasn’t moved out yet and it’s starting to cause A LOT of friction among the three of us.
We haven’t been sure what our housing situation is going to be. This house is owned by my fiancé’s mother. As of right now, we all pay a third of the mortgage. The roommate pays a third, my fiancé and I pay a third, and his mother pays a third. If the roommate moved out, we would not be able to make up what he paid for rent so initially we were planning on moving out. If the roommate stays in this house and we move out, he would have to pay full rent. My future mother-in-law, though, decided she doesn’t want strangers to live in the house or to deal with renters. She had the house refinanced and it’s looking like we might end up staying in this house after all. Upon finding this out, the roommate has made no attempt to find a new place to live.
Wendy, this is so frustrating. We have no nursery for our baby and he’ll be here in three weeks! I also don’t want to feel like I need to tiptoe around a volatile roommate, especially once the baby arrives. I don’t want to feel like I have to go hide away in my room to feed the baby or hide him if he’s crying. It’s our house too. I’m also worried that the roommate will still bring over guests and my fiancé and I both don’t want that at all.
Help….what should we do about him? We don’t want to hurt the friendship at all, but we need him to move out. Am I not seeing things from his perspective? — Three’s a Crowd
No, clearly you aren’t seeing things from his perspective. First of all, you aren’t all paying 1/3 of the rent. Fred is paying a third of the rent, your fiancé’s mother is paying a third of the rent, and you and your fiancé are each paying 1/6 of the rent. Fred is literally paying double what you and your fiancé each pay for roughly the same living space — living space that is now mostly filled with your baby stuff. On top of that, he’s dealing with dirty dishes in the sink and a pregnant roommate who vents to him about all the stuff she, for some reason, doesn’t think she can talk to her fiancé about. No wonder tensions are high and tempers are short.
Frankly, I am surprised that your baby is due in three weeks and you still haven’t figured out your living situation. You’ve had months to work out where you’re going to live. If you knew you couldn’t afford to live in your current home without Fred’s financial contribution, you should have found a place you and your fiancé can afford on your own and given Fred plenty of time to either find new roommates or a new place to live.
It’s nice of your future mother-in-law to help with rent, but you are two grownups who are about to be parents. If the two of you together can only afford 1/3 of the rent, you probably need to find a new place to live. What if, after the house is re-financed, you still can’t afford to pay a much bigger percentage than you currently are? What if something happens to your future MIL and she’s unable to continue supporting/helping you? It’s time to be responsible and live within your means. You have a child to think about now.
If I were you, I would immediately look for a new apartment — a two-bedroom, preferably (this may require moving to a less ideal location, away from the beach; you’ll have to suck it up). Let Fred know and put him in touch with your MIL to work out whether she wants him to stay or not. And then move. If you can move in the three weeks before your baby comes, great. If you can’t, you’ll just have to move afterward. Fortunately, a newborn baby doesn’t require much space and can sleep with you in your co-sleeper until you find a more suitable living arrangement. A nursery is sweet and definitely convenient, but generally not a necessity in the early weeks.
If you do decide to stay in your current home, even though you can’t afford it without your fiancé’s mother paying for 2/3 of the rent (or whatever it will be once the house is refinanced), tell Fred you’d like him to find a new place to live, within a month, and that he will be reimbursed whatever deposit he put down. Apologize for waiting so many months to figure out that you didn’t want to live with a roommate while raising a newborn, especially since doing so meant encroaching on shared living space as much as you already have.
Finally, if you don’t want Fred talking negatively to you about your fiancé, quit confiding in him like HE’s your partner, and start communicating better with the man you’re about to have a child with.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
And another letter proves that age does not equal maturity. If there are three people living in the house, you should each be paying 1/3 for the rent. I’d be super pissed if my roommate had his girlfriend move in and she didn’t start paying as much rent as me. I hope to god you are splitting the utilities 3 ways. And how did you JUST realized that space would be cramped in a 2 bedroom house with 3 adults and a baby?
WWS! Why isn’t the LW contributing by paying any rent herself? Presumably she was paying for rent wherever she lived before she met her fiance. At the very least she should have that money she hasn’t been spending on rent saved so they can afford to pay their own way at their current house or rent their own place entirely. The baby is coming and nobody thought to have a discussion about the living arrangements? You’re having a baby with a man who needs mommy to help him pay rent? The two of you can’t afford a place to life without a roommate, take over the house, don’t clean up after yourselves, and then get mad when he voices complaints? I feel sorry for the baby that is going to be born into this madness.
It sounds to me like the 3 of you haven’t actually sat down and discussed what is going to happen.
NEWSFLASH– You are an adult. Act like one. Call a house meeting, discuss who is staying, who is leaving, who is paying for what, set a timeline and stick to it. It’s your future MIL’s house, so maybe call her in on this meeting, too.
You guys! I’m in a really good mood this morning so don’t let this sound more A N G R Y than it should, but, you know how much I hate the term “hubby”? Well, there’s only one thing that irks me more, and that’s when a woman says “we’re pregnant!” No, YOU are pregnant! I don’t think the dad gets credit for being pregnant. “We’re expecting?” Ok, I can get behind that. I’m expecting you to have a baby too, so we’re all expecting, but we’re not all pregnant! <— Ok, "hate" is too strong of a word, but I always think it's silly when a woman says that. amirite? No?
Ok, now off to read the letter…. sorry, the "we are pregnant" distracted me, as things easily do.
I share Wendy’s incredulity that you 3 haven’t figured this out yet. I’m getting the impression, LW, that you were imagining this would all turn out to be some lovely sitcom-ish scenario where Fred filled the “uncle” role, & everything was just going to be some nonstop wacky adventure. Wellll, that’s not how life works (I mean, arguably, it’s a nonstop wacky adventure, yeah, but…)
So, okay. You’re just realizing that this isn’t an ideal situation. Hmm. Now, why are you expecting Fred to just hustle on his way? It doesn’t sound like you EVER had a conversation about it, right? Don’t expect him to rely on cues like your fiance’s mother refinancing the house. Have a talk with him, & ask if he”d be willing to move out. He might be frustrated, so prepare for that. (From his perspective, um, his fiance suddenly got a new girlfriend, got her pregnant, moved her into the house, & is now kicking him out.)
OR you & your fiance can move out. I don’t get what the issue is with Fred living there on his own, unless he literally cannot pay the entire rent himself? (You say your future MIL doesn’t want strangers renting, but Fred is not a stranger at this point, right?) So yeah, I’d actually go this route. Find a cheaper place.
“his fiance” OOOPS, that should read *friend
Fred could also find a roommate if he can’t pay the entire mortgage himself. And the MIL could increase the deposit if she’s worried about damage to the house itself.
FFS, grow up. Seriously. No one’s mother should be paying part of your rent. “mid-30’s and 40’s” is entirely too old to have roommates. YOU ARE HAVING A CHILD, time to learn how to be responsible and wash dishes, support yourself, share communial spaces, etc etc etc.
Basically what Wendy said because I don’t have the capacity to deal with this trainwreck.
This sounds super judgey of me, but I would not sleep with a guy who was 40 and had a roommate. I’m 25 and I somehow managed to live alone. Yeh it’s expensive but it’s totally worth it.
I would be okay with it up to around 30ish. But 40? And expecting a child? Nope.
I’m confused as to whether or not you asked Fred to actually move out, or were just hoping he’d go away on his own?
You are about to be a parent, start taking control & responsibility for your own life!
Also, lines were definitely crossed with telling fred things you ‘don’t feel comfortable’ telling your fiance. I sense there are some hurt feelings generated behind the negative comments from fred towards your fiance. You need to separate your lives from Fred!
You say you decided to keep the baby, with your boyfriend of one year, since you are both older. Ok, I can understand that, but did it never occur to you that you should at least be able to afford your living arrangements without all this help? Only affording 1/3 of a home is NOT a good place financially to be in when you decide to have a baby. How do you not know that at your age?!
Maybe they live somewhere really pricy – San Francisco, LA, which could make it harder to move? That was my first thought when I read the description of the house (and the “near the beach”). Weird lack of communication though. LW, do you have a budget? If not, make one, figure out where you can live, and make it a priority to talk about the big stuff in advance.
Sure, but if that’s the case, then move to a less desirable location that you can afford.
I haven’t read Wendy’s response yet, I just wanted to comment about roommates since LW gave me an opening. You are not allowed to bitch about how your roommate complains about you leaving your shit everywhere IF YOU INDEED ARE LEAVING YOUR SHIT EVERYWHERE. Clean your fucking dishes!
K, rant over. Can you tell I’m done with living with roommates? 🙂
oh god. well, this is why i worry about the status of the world.
grow up, LW. have conversations. face issues. pay your own rent- i mean, really? how are you, your partner, and the roommate ALL so immature together? talk about a recipe for disaster.
I don’t even know where to go with this. I guess I have a few things:
1 – “Because we’re older” just doesn’t seem like a good reason to bring a baby into the mix. Especially since older does not = maturity. But if you think you’re ready, then good for you.
2 – You should not be discussing things with Fred that you “can’t” discuss with your fiance. You should be able to talk to your fiance about anything. It’s called good communication. And he probably thinks he can criticize your fiance to you because you did the same to him. Strengthen your communication skills with your fiance.
3 – I can see why Fred would have mixed signals. You say you were excited to have him live there and be an “uncle” to the baby and all of a sudden you want him to go away? And it doesn’t sound like there was a nice, adult, sit-down meeting about the expectations of everyone. If you haven’t done that, maybe you should do that. Like right now.
4 – Two wrongs don’t make a right. You say Fred is complaining about leaving dishes in the sink and not picking up after yourselves, but then you say that he does it too. Maybe that’s something that should have been discussed in the aforementioned adult discussion that never took place. But even if “he does it too”… that doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to do it.
5 – You need to find a place with your fiance and the baby that you can afford. There is no reason that someone who doesn’t even live in the house should be paying 1/3 of the rent (the fiance’s mother). When you moved in, you should have taken over paying an equal share. There are three adults living there, each should be paying 1/3 of the bills. I just don’t understand why any grown man or woman would need their mother or mother-in-law to pay their bills indefinitely like that. I can understand if something comes up and there is help needed for a short period of time, but that doesn’t seem to be what’s going on here. If the two of you can’t afford the place, then you need to move. Especially since babies are expensive. With all the daily needs and gear and things to just plain make your life easier with a baby, it can cost a lot.
So my basic, overall advice is this: Grow up, find a place you can afford to live and stop expecting someone else to pay your way. You’re about to become a parent, so act like it.
It doesn’t sound like you have even had a conversation with Fred about moving out, and you said yourself that “I was actually really excited to have Fred live in the house with the baby as he is also in his mid-40s”, so how the heck is Fred figure out you want him to leave. It doesn’t sound very fair to him, that you tell him that you want him to stay, and be the awesome live in uncle, confide in him all the things you dislike about the guy you rushed into a relationship with, and then don’t clean up after yourselves, because you have too much going on. I mean yeah shame on him for not having a light bulb go off in his head that said “hmm two bedroom house + 3 people and a baby doesn’t work” but you made him think it would work.
Also I don’t get why Fred gets screwed on the rent. When I was living with my roommate, and his fiancée moved in, we split the rent 3 ways, they didn’t try to take advantage of me, and make me pay the same while they split the difference, and guess what, this was a family house as well, though his aunt wasn’t still paying part of the rent.
So If you go by just your letter, you don’t make enough to live on your own being in your 30’s and 40’s so you lead on your roommate so you can stay in this beautiful house, and once your boyfriends mother in law bails you out even more than she already is (which is way too much already) you want Fred to figure out on his own that he has to move out, and then you are going to live above your means while trying to provide for this baby while leaning on your boyfriends mother for money.
So I would say WWS
Deciding to “keep” the baby bc “we are both older” is NOT a reason at all. You need to be ready to commit your life to your child. Sounds like being beach bums is more of what you want. It also sounds like LW is thinking she’s on some kind of an episode of “I love lucy” or something. Having a child is TONS OF WORK. It requires HUGE sacrifices. If three week till you are giving birth (so like Wendy said, any day now) and you don’t even have a place to PUT the baby, maybe you should slow down and consider adoption. There are plenty of parents who want a baby and can’t have one, and have their lives in way better order than yours. If you are not grown up enough to have a conversation with your roommate about living space, I doubt you have truly thought committing the rest of your life to this child through.
So, I had a roommate for a year right after college. We both moved to Florida. A few months in, her sort of boyfriend came down and started living with us. He was supposed to help with rent but never did. Needless to say, I lost a friend over the debacle. Espeically when this boy called me a bitch. Umm, he didn’t even pay rent. Pretty sure you don’t have a right to get mad at me for asking you to clean up after yourself. Effing a hole.
Anyway, adults who live together should pay equal shares of the rent. If I was Fred or whatever the hell his name is, I would be pissed too. LW, you’re basically living somewhere for free. And your pregnant. And you’re in your 30s. And you don’t do your dishes. Grow up.
Correction: “It doesn’t matter who is paying for the other two thirds as long as only two OTHER people are living in the apartment, MAKING THE TOTAL 3 PEOPLE.”
If Fred was clueless about moving out before, he sure as shit won’t be once that baby is born. The crying, puking on everything, pooping in the living room, the weird sleep schedule – it will be like Fred and your Fiance’s college days all over again…except they’re 40, they haven’t been able to keep up with that shit for at least a decade, likely more. His bags will be packed within a week. There’s half your dilemma. The other half being you are dedicating most of your finances toward your living situation rather than expenses to actually live for you, your fiancé, and your kid.
Facepalm.
Most likely once the baby comes, Fred will want to move out on his own with a baby crying all night and all. And your new little family will obviously want some space. Time to sit down and have the discussion and give him notice. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has seen the writing on the wall already but chooses to ignore it. Why anyone in their mid-40’s would choose to live where they are not wanted (if they have other options) is beyond me. I think if you both said something like “We love having you here, but with the baby coming, this arrangement is no longer viable and our situation has changed. You need to find a place in 2 months so that we can bond as a new family” or something like that and he will have to deal. If you both cannot afford the house on your own with your MIL already paying for 1/3, then perhaps this arrangement no longer works.
Hahaha uhhh… well if it weren’t for your future MIL, if I were Fred, I would ask for you and your fiance to move out. I mean, he is the one paying for mostly everything. And at your age, how the eff can you not afford to pay more than 1/3 of the rent (you and your fiance COMBINED). Are you even contributing? Idk, this kind of stuff annoys me because you came after the roommate did… so I kind of think all three of y’all need to part ways with the house and get your own place.
And I find it very, very weird that a dude in his 40s is living in a place owned by his mother, which she continues to help pay for. Like what? Am I missing something here?
LW, you may not know this but when you have a new baby, you are so sleep deprived that keeping the house clean and the dishes done is not the priority. If you think “Uncle Fred’s freaking out now ………. Also, if your baby is colicky, doesn’t fall asleep right away or gets sick, you will find yourself pacing the halls all night while rocking him in your arms. And he’ll probably be screaming. If you do nothing about your living situation, I suspect Fred will be moving out shortly after the baby is born anyway.
Learn how to do finances. Seriously. Gah, I absolutely hate that Fred let himself get strung along into paying for more of the house. We each pay a 1/3rd, HA! What a joke! I can’t believe you counted his mom as a 1/3rd!
Oh yes, and part of the reason it’s nice for babies to grow for awhile is to be able to plan for their arrival. You missed an opportunity.
It’s obvious that the LW wants Fred to move out, but just hasn’t worked up the guts to ask him to. What’s not clear to me is whether the LW and the fiance can swing paying the rent if Fred moves out. If they can’t, then they need to find another place to live, and give both Fred and the mom 30 days notice. It’s really as simple as that.
I almost don’t even understand why the LW wrote in for advice? Is she asking for advice on how to act like an adult?
I would also not be cool with having a fiance in his 40’s whose mother pays a 1/3 of the mortgage for a house that he lives in, even if its under the guise of him “helping her out” because they’re keeping her house rented.
Ask Fred to move out. BAM, done! Do apologize for having delayed the decision-making and not letting him know earlier. This will help smooth things over with him.
If your fiancé’s mother is ready to cover 2/3 of the mortgage, I’m not going to judge you for taking her up on it. I do think it would be smarter for you to pay your own way for rent, but whatever.
All of you people who are ragging on the dishes thing — Dishes are the number one reason why friendships with roommates fall apart!!*
Some people like to dishes immediately upon using a dish, some people like to do them before bed, some people don’t mind leaving them until the morning, and some people hate doing them altogether and only do them when they need to. Some people don’t eat at home and only have a mug in the morning from their coffee, and they’ll let the empty mugs collect in the sink over a week until they put them all in the dishwasher. Some people will load the dishwasher but not run it because it isn’t full yet. Some people will load an empty dishwasher but hate unloading full dishwasher. All of these idiosyncracies drive people with OTHER idiosyncracies nuts and make everyone feel like they are doing more than their fair share. The person who is bitter because they ALWAYS load the dishwasher is secretly resented by the roommate who is better because they ALWAYS empty the dishwasher. People overvalue and overestimate their contribution and undervalue and underestimate the other person’s.
This is human nature and needs conscious effort and intervention to thwart. This doesn’t mean that the LW and her fiance are lazy, immature pigs who leave the apartment in shambles and should be scolded.
*citation: me.
Am I the only one giving LW the benefit of the doubt? I feel like there were things that might have been left out but implied. I read it in the manner that they asked him to move, the MIL refinanced the house and now they are capable of paying for it themselves and Fred simply won’t get a move on it. I agree they’re handling it horribly and they need to pull up their adult pants and just sit down for that awkward conversation (perhaps again?). Why would Fred want to stay there and be the third wheel??
“Your problem” is not Fred. Your problem is you. I’m not even sure exactly what you want. You lament the fact that Fred hasn’t magically disappeared, but you acknowledge that you couldn’t pay for his share of the house. And then you say you can’t really move because your fiance’s mother doesn’t want you to. Then you talk about how you thought it would be nice to have Fred live with you, your fiance and the baby.
I’m also not really sure why you aren’t more concerned that you and your fiance can’t pay more than 1/3 of a mortgage together. Children are expensive. If you guys can’t even live as independent adults by yourselves, how do you expect to support a child, too?
Also, I don’t think Fred is that stupid. I assume that anyone who would put up with this shit is also too irresponsible to afford more than 1/3 of a home, or else he’s just assuming you guys will move out since you can’t afford the house, and is waiting for that magical day to arrive.
One last thing: Please, please learn some manners before you start raising a child. As in, when you move in with your fiance and his roommate, actually pull your weight when it comes to rent and chores. And don’t bitch about your fiance to some other guy.
Poor Fred and poor fetus. Y’all still need to figure out how to do dishes (which probably should’ve happened, at the latest, just out of college) and you’re mid-30s/40s and about to have a child? Yeesh. This is Roommate 101. Don’t even get me started on Parenting 101, Adulthood 101, and Financial Independence from Parents 101.
Ok first of all LW…do you even work? Do you have a job and career? You are not paying a dime to live in the house and therefore you have no right to ask people to move out of the house. Your FH, his roomate and FML are the ones who are paying the bills. When you moved in, FML (future mother in law) 1/3 should have been taken over by you. But instead you are NOT paying a dime for anything! You can not even clean up after yourself! What do you do all day? Sit on your ass at the beach lookin through baby mags and working on your tan? And what is up with this crap of talking shit behind your FH’s back to his BFF & roomate, bc that is what you were doing. You are planning on marrying him and yet cannot voice any concerns to your FH? There are things you can’t talk to him about? Then you do not belong getting married to him. Marriage is not a game, nor is parenthood! Both require work, dedication, trust, communication, helping each other, anr a strong united front. Motherhood is not easy, it is not a walk in the park, anr above all MOTHERHOOD IS NOT A GAME!!!! A child does not take care of itself, it needs is parents. You are not ready to get married, you are not ready to become a mother. You are a whiny, irresponsible, little brat who wants everyone to do everything for her. Hell YOU CAN’T EVEN WASH YOUR OWN DISHES OR CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESS!
You have no say in who stays or leaves the home except toward yourself. You are not the landlord or owner of the home, your FML is. It is her decision who lives in her home and who doesn’t. It is her responsibility to give a 30day notice to whoever she wants out of her home, NOT YOURS!!!!! You need to grow up. Age does not mean maturity. Stoo being a lazy, selfish brat and start paying your own way and contribute to the home you now share. But I do agree with everyone else, you and your FH should move out and find something you can afford together. Because once that baby comes, cost of living is gonna skyrocket. Daycare, food, clothes etc etc etc.
I feel bad for our gene pool.