“My Boyfriend’s Ditching Me on New Year’s Eve!”
Last year during winter break, instead of spending New Year’s Eve with me, the boyfriend stupidly flew down to party with his roommate who only lives 45 minutes from me (the boyfriend’s hometown is on the opposite side of our large state). He didn’t think about asking if I wanted to spend it with him till afterwards. It was impulsive, and he didn’t want to back out on his buddy, and since we hadn’t been dating for that long, I was chill, but I was really sad at midnight. He texted me the whole time saying how much he missed me, and he came over for New Years Day at my family’s house.
Fast forward to this year, and we got back together right after he’d made plans to party with his roommate again for New Year’s Eve (though he’ll come hang out with me for a few days afterwards). I would go to the party, but I kind of feel like his friends didn’t invite me (and my boyfriend hasn’t made an effort to invite me; he probably knows I wouldn’t have fun), wild parties aren’t my scene, and I really like spending time with my family on New Years Eve. Is it too much for me to ask for him to change his plans? He has had issues prioritizing his gazillion friends and me before, so this is why it makes me worried nothing has changed. What do I do?? — Ditched on New Years Eve
No, I wouldn’t say that it’s too much to ask your boyfriend if he’d consider spending New Year’s Eve with you and your family, but I wouldn’t put too much pressure on him either and I’d respect whatever decision he made. It’s not as if he’s coming to your neck of the woods and not spending any time with you. He’s planning to spend a few days with you after New Year’s, after all. And really, it’s not such a surprise that a 21-year-old guy would rather hang out with his buddies on New Year’s Eve than his girlfriend’s parents. Even if he loves your family and gets along well with them, NYE just isn’t the occasion one tends to reserve for other people’s parents.
When you approach your boyfriend about NYE, be prepared to make a compromise. What you want is to spend the evening with both your family AND your boyfriend, and that just may not be in the cards. If it’s most important that you have your boyfriend to kiss at midnight and he’s set on partying with his friends, why not ask him if you could come along? But if you can’t stand the idea of going to the party, understand that your boyfriend already made those plans and you can enjoy the evening with your family and look forward to spending a few days with him afterwards.
If you’re still together next year, you may want to address NYE far in advance so you’re both on the same page. It sounds like you have very different ideas of how to spend it — he likes a night of debauchery with his friends and you like a night at home with your parents — and your best bet may be to do something completely new that both of you can appreciate and not feel too shortchanged by.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
It sounds like you haven’t brought this up with him yet so I would recommend doing just that. Don’t wait for him to specifically invite you… (especially if he already knows you would rather hang out with your family) invite yourself. Those are things that are acceptable in relationships. Then you can both go together and hang out with your parents for a few days afterwards.
“He has had issues prioritizing his gazillion friends and me before, so this is why it makes me worried nothing has changed. What do I do??”
Ask him about you joining him at the party because you want to spend the holiday with him, then listen and watch carefully. His response will tell you if those priortization issues are going to crop up again.
If he hedges or seems like he doesn’t want you around, express your disappointment in not being able to go (without bringing up the past), and genuinely tell him to have a great time at the party. Why? Because you’ll know that you’ll pretty much be second fiddle to his friends in this relationship. You can start making plans to hang out with your friends on NYE…and start looking for a new guy.
If he makes a genuine effort to include you – even if that means you don’t end up going to the party…then breathe a sigh of relief, because he’s working to include you and get over the priortization problem. Only you will know if he’s being genuine or not, and only you can control your response to his actions.
Which reminds me: If his genuine effort means you don’t go to the party, make plans to hang out with friends on NYE…and don’t hold it against him, okay? Sometimes couples have to fly solo, and no one should go in to the new year nursing a grudge.
Good luck, and here’s hoping you two have many NYE celebrations ahead of you.
I think Wendy’s response is perfect. Do that, exactly.
I may get some flac for this, but this doesn’t sound like it is just about the NYE party. What struck me is she states: “the boyfriend stupidly flew down to party with his roomate”. It sounds like she critizes his decisions…maybe I am wrong but it sounds like they are two different people who want different things. She sounds like a homebody who enjoys spending time with the family ( and there is nothing wrong with that), and the boyfriend sounds like a typical college guy who likes to party. The great thing is he does comprimise to meet her needs, but it seems that she sees the compromise but wants even more. I just think that there is more to this story and the partying bothers her more then him just going to the NYE party with his friends. I guess what I am trying to get at is she will not change this guy into the family oriented homebody she enjoys being, and she has to compromise a little too. If she goes to the party she might find that she enjoys herself and will get to be with the boyfriend, or she can stay home and see him a few days later. But LW remember, he did make these plans with his friends first so don’t be suprised if he does not change them to hang with your family, but except the compromise he is presenting. And if I am right about this not just being about the party and it is a clash of personal values, you may want to reconsider what that will mean to you in the long run, because it may seem like something small now, but it will def get in the way later. Try to look at the big picture as well.
You might be reading too much into this, but I’m reading the same things you are.
Right, wrong, or indifferent, I don’t see her relationship with “the boyfriend” lasting till next year.
I agree with what Wendy said, but I also tend to agree with what emjay said above.
The tone of your letter, plus outright saying that you’ve had issues with your boyfriend not prioritizing your relationship before, lead me to believe that this goes beyond a NYE party.
Listen, I get it. I had a boyfriend in college who was ALL ABOUT partying – as most dudes are at 21, after all – and I hated it. I tried to get him to do more things with me, but he was always beckoned back to partying. It frustrated me to no end, we fought about it a lot, and it made me feel insecure. Eventually I realized that what was happening was simply a sign that we weren’t right for each other.
I’m not saying you’re in the same position I was. But I AM saying that this could be a sign that you two might not be meshing well enough for a long-term relationship. If this is a pattern of behavior you aren’t fond of, and if the prioritizing is an ongoing issue, that’s a big sign that this relationship likely isn’t the right one for you. I know most 21-year-old dudes enjoy partying and hanging with their friends, but it’s not out of the question to find someone in your demographic, and maybe someone slightly older, who you’ll fit better with.
Which leads me to one last question – Why did you break up in the first place, really? Whose decision was it? You make it sound mutual, like neither of you wanted to get too serious. Yet it seems like you want some pretty serious-relationship-esque things out of your boyfriend – spending NYE with the family, prioritizing you above friends, etc. If you agreed to a break because you didn’t feel comfortable expressing your desire for something more serious, then this definitely isn’t the right relationship for you.
The last paragraph of ReginaRey’s response touches on this, but, LW…
First you say, “We had been dating for nine months, but wanted to spend some time being single before getting too serious.”
Then, “He has had issues prioritizing his gazillion friends and me before, so this is why it makes me worried nothing has changed.”
It kind of sounds to me like you guys broke up because he wanted to party & mack on chicks & you wanted to knit stockings in front of the fire & drink tea. I’ve been the girl at home knitting while her boy drinks : ) but at this age & time of life…. it might not work for you to date him, especially during college, if it frustrates you for him to be going out with friends on a big holiday where many (most?) 20-somethings plan on getting glitter in their underwear & drowning in champagne.
That’s not really what you asked… just sharing my thoughts : )
You’re asking him to join you for a fun time, not scrub the dead skin off your feet. “Hey boyfriend, I know you already have plans that you made before we were together and that’s cool, but I wanted to throw the offer out there to hang with me because I’d love to spend that night with you, what do you think?” Then he says yes or no. Worst case scenario, you spend time with him another day. What’s the big deal?
“stupidly flew down to party with his roomate”
LW, I think you’re asking too much of this guy. It’s NYE. He’d rather be with his friends than with your parents. What’s so stupid about celebrating with his friends instead of with people he barely knows?
You haven’t been dating for so long. He’s not your husband or anything, you’re both very young, and you just got back together. Let everyone party however they see fit.
Sounds like you both have differing ideas of fun – and that probably won’t change..at least not for a while. I doubt your bf will be happy hanging with his gf’s parents on New Year’s for a few more years to come so if this theme of different opinions on social activities / fun is a frequent thing you may want to reassess this relationship’s fit for both of you.
He might have issues prioritizing you, as his girlfriend, but I’m not sure this New Year’s Eve is an example of that. He had the plans before you guys got back together, and, based on what you said about the previous year, had probably already bought a plane ticket, etc. I do, however, think it’s a tad strange that he hasn’t asked you if you’d like to go with him, especially since he knows your feelings were hurt that you guys weren’t together for it last year. If it is extremely important to you to spend that night with your family though, you may just have to accept the fact that it’s not your boyfriend’s cup of tea, and he is probably pretty typical of someone in his early 20s in terms of wanting to spend it with his friends, and not with his girlfriend’s parents.
Hmm, not to be totally nitpicky but I question your use of the word “stupidly” as it seems overly dismissive and its not a term I really like using within the context of my own relationship since it denotes a lack of respect for the other person.
Just because someone’s personal decisions don’t necessarily jive with yours doesn’t automatically make it wrong or bad.
Eh, I’m probably reading too much into this, my art history degree is showing I guess 🙂
LW, I agree with Wendy, and, because of my personal preferences, I side with your boyfriend. I like to party on NYE. For someone to ask me to spend a low-key NYE with them would be way way too much for me. Unless we were the only people on the Moon or on Mars…. Can’t say no to that!
But back to you – in your last sentence – “it makes me worried nothing has changed”. Did you even bring it up? If you hadn’t mention anything, and expect your bf to read your mind, well, no surprise nothing has changed. And you said it yourself, it’s not that he doesn’t want to be with you on NYE, but knowing you, he most likely didn’t invite you because he knows it’s not your cup of tea.
And the last thing I’ll bring up from your letter – you said that last NYE you were both texting each other and missing each other. I know you want this NYE to be different. How much would it be worth it to you? Would you be willing to give up spending the night with your parents and enduring a party for the few moments at the beginning of the year that you get to spend with your bf?
If you still can’t decide, flip a coin. As in, pick “heads” for staying with your parents and “tails” for going to the party (or the other way around). Flip the coin, and then, before you look at it, think really really hard as to which side you’d like to see. And that should be your answer. You won’t even have to look at the coin :). In the event that you still don’t know which option you like better, once you look at the coin, you have to do what the coin says. The coin always knows best 🙂
On a more general note – this is a new relationship. Before this, he had his own traditions, and you had yours. Moving forward, the only options are to merge traditions (it seems kind of hard in this situation) or create new ones. However this turns out, I hope you have lots of fun on NYE with your loved one(s) 🙂
As a person whose scene includes wild parties, I was in your boyfriend’s situation a lot with my last serious boyfriend who was kind of a homebody. New Year’s Eve is right up there with Halloween as one of the best party nights of the year, so I think you should either give the party a try or don’t get mad when he doesn’t want to come and hang with your parents. My ex used to guilt me into staying home with him all the time when my friends were out having a good time, and I ended up just resenting him for, and eventually I started to feel like I had to choose between my boyfriend and fun, and you don’t want him to feel that way about you.
One way I’ve cleverly ensured my guy wants to be with me on New Year’s Eve is to make sure we’d be doing something, say, even remotely exciting. I mean, seriously, I am SUPER CLOSE with my family, but even we don’t sit at home with one another New Year’s Eve playing Mah Jongg as we watch Dick Clark. I mean, come on! Live a little.
Here’s another tip. If you don’t like wild parties — then don’t date some one who does. Because 9 times out of 10 it leads to nothing but fighting. Especially if the non-partygoer always insists on taking every time the partygoer actually (GASP!) goes to a party as a slap in the face. “Really? Am I asking too much?” Yes. Yes, you are. You most definitely are.
Moreover, he’s already made plans. And bailing on your best friend on a big day such as New Years is more than just a little lame…even if you all of a sudden have a girlfriend.
PS — Your boyfriend simply might not be inviting you because he knows you’d be a real drag. This sounds harsh, I know. But the tone of your letter implies you’d be a real wet blanket at this party. If you honestly can’t go and actually have a good time or hell, even fake it successfully— then don’t go. But don’t be annoyed that you’re not going either.
Mark, as usual, you said it perfectly. I spend every holiday with my parents/family EXCEPT New Yrs Eve! That’s a party day! Even for the people that don’t usually party! I would hate to recall my first “legal” NYE sitting at home w/ my or my S/O’s parents, as you say, playing Mah Jongg. LW, maybe you can talk to him about coming over your house until about 10-10:30pm & then you guys drive to the party. I know it’s 45 mins away, but in retrospect it’s not so bad. You gotta realize that even though you’re not into the “wild partying”, your bf is & he wants to live it up. You can’t hold him back from that or resent him. You either gotta accept it, try to join in, or end things for good.
I’m exhausted just thinking about staying up past midnight. LW, stay at home with your folks and let the bf hang out and get shit faced with his friends. It’s unfortunate but it isn’t tragic. Text him if you like but don’t obsess over it. If you’re still together next year, then you can spend NYE together.
As you get older, you’ll realize that NYE is just a day like any other and it holds no magical qualities other than an excuse to get together with loved ones and party.
LIES LIES DIRTY, DIRTY LIES
Relationships require compromise. Spending NYE with your family is not compromise, it’s asking him to sacrifice the second-best partying day of the year (#1 being Halloween, of course) in order to sit home with your parents.
I’m assuming that you live with your parents now, but what FH and I do is throw a party at our place. It’s more mild than wild, but at midnight, we go drink champagne in the streets and watch our neighborhood ball drop with our friends. It’s definitely not sitting home with his mother and grandparents, playing games and watching the ball drop, but it’s not getting “take your top off” drunk and barfing in the street, either.
We spent our first NYE together with his family. It was weird and awkward, and she’s tried to get us to go up there every year to do it since. No thanks!!
I haven’t read the other comments, but what in the hell was “stupid” about his visiting his roommate for last year’s NYE? You were a new couple, he had already made plans with his roommate, he was texting you all night, AND he spent New Year’s Day with you. That doesn’t sound like a problem at all to me. It’s basically the same thing happening this year: you just got back together, and he already has other plans. So he’ll text you all night, and then come see you the next day. What is the problem? I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to back out of plans he made before you got back together.
Maybe I’m to far away from college to have perspective, but in what world is a college relationship that hasn’t even past the year mark yet serious enough to demand together time on holidays?
Maybe things were different for me at that age than for others, but I didn’t start spending holidays with a SO, or their family (or them with mine), until I was out of college, and had been with the guy for quite some time.
I’m not saying that this relationship doesn’t have a long term potential, but at this point in time together-time on a holiday should be considered a bonus, not an expectation.
so i honestly think that the two of you wont work out because 1. you dont seem to be all that great with compromise, and 2. you only want one solution (your house with your family). while trying to having any relationship with those flaws is not going to end well, trying to have one with someone who is so different from you is going to be downright impossible.
now, i also honestly think that if the LW would shift her perspective a little (and learn to compromise and lose the “my way or the highway” route), this pair could work out…
so she is a homebody and he is an outgoing partier- so he learns from her how to be more low key and more homey, and then she gets to learn how to step outside her comfort zone and go to some outings!
by being together you guys could balance each other out- he would learn the joys of being with a family on a holiday, and you would learn the joys of a fun party on a holiday! the best of both worlds!!
also as a side note, i absolutely think it is asking too much for him to spend his entire NYE at her parents. he said he would go see you for a few days after… do his friends get a few days? they only get a night! i think that he is being very reasonable with you….
i also wonder what would happen if at some point you get married and you SO wants to spend holidays with HIS familly…
I think that this NYE has been blown out of proportion. Like someone said above, a college relationship of that length isn’t one that I’d say presumes that you should be together on NYE. From what I gather, if he wasn’t hanging out with this friend who lives near you, he’d be in his hometown, which is really far away (though I’m curious what state is big enough to warrant flying across it — Texas?). The point to me is that he already made these plans. He doesn’t have to ditch them for you, especially if your choice would be to spend it at your parents. He’s a 21-year-old guy, so NYE is probably less of a romantic holiday and more of a drinking one. If you guys work out in the long run (if that’s what you want), you’ll have plenty of NYEs to spend together.
This relationship wont (and shouldn’t) go anywhere “serious” until YOU are his first priority, and not his gazillion friends. I learned this the hard way a couple years ago when I was the one with the gazillion “friends” who turned out to be nothing more than people who only stuck around as long as they were having a good time.
I totally feel you. My Boyfriend decided to travel out of country on NYE, including his family members and his friends (couples).
He did not have the courtesy to even sit with me to plan how I can be a part of his night, or he did not even impress the importance of my being with him.
Last minute he invites just 3 days before the NYE and he has been out of the country for a week already!
I think this is not a good sign, if your partner doesn’t see the importance of your being in his life sharing moments and precious time fully in his senses with you to capture it for future, then he is not the one for you. And my dear, he doesn’t deserve a minute thinking about why he doesn’t value what you do value.
Move on dear..