“My Boyfriend’s Ditching Me on New Year’s Eve!”
Last year during winter break, instead of spending New Year’s Eve with me, the boyfriend stupidly flew down to party with his roommate who only lives 45 minutes from me (the boyfriend’s hometown is on the opposite side of our large state). He didn’t think about asking if I wanted to spend it with him till afterwards. It was impulsive, and he didn’t want to back out on his buddy, and since we hadn’t been dating for that long, I was chill, but I was really sad at midnight. He texted me the whole time saying how much he missed me, and he came over for New Years Day at my family’s house.
Fast forward to this year, and we got back together right after he’d made plans to party with his roommate again for New Year’s Eve (though he’ll come hang out with me for a few days afterwards). I would go to the party, but I kind of feel like his friends didn’t invite me (and my boyfriend hasn’t made an effort to invite me; he probably knows I wouldn’t have fun), wild parties aren’t my scene, and I really like spending time with my family on New Years Eve. Is it too much for me to ask for him to change his plans? He has had issues prioritizing his gazillion friends and me before, so this is why it makes me worried nothing has changed. What do I do?? — Ditched on New Years Eve
No, I wouldn’t say that it’s too much to ask your boyfriend if he’d consider spending New Year’s Eve with you and your family, but I wouldn’t put too much pressure on him either and I’d respect whatever decision he made. It’s not as if he’s coming to your neck of the woods and not spending any time with you. He’s planning to spend a few days with you after New Year’s, after all. And really, it’s not such a surprise that a 21-year-old guy would rather hang out with his buddies on New Year’s Eve than his girlfriend’s parents. Even if he loves your family and gets along well with them, NYE just isn’t the occasion one tends to reserve for other people’s parents.
When you approach your boyfriend about NYE, be prepared to make a compromise. What you want is to spend the evening with both your family AND your boyfriend, and that just may not be in the cards. If it’s most important that you have your boyfriend to kiss at midnight and he’s set on partying with his friends, why not ask him if you could come along? But if you can’t stand the idea of going to the party, understand that your boyfriend already made those plans and you can enjoy the evening with your family and look forward to spending a few days with him afterwards.
If you’re still together next year, you may want to address NYE far in advance so you’re both on the same page. It sounds like you have very different ideas of how to spend it — he likes a night of debauchery with his friends and you like a night at home with your parents — and your best bet may be to do something completely new that both of you can appreciate and not feel too shortchanged by.
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It sounds like you haven’t brought this up with him yet so I would recommend doing just that. Don’t wait for him to specifically invite you… (especially if he already knows you would rather hang out with your family) invite yourself. Those are things that are acceptable in relationships. Then you can both go together and hang out with your parents for a few days afterwards.
“invite yourself. Those are things that are acceptable in relationships.”
I’m not so sure about that part. I hate it when people does that to me, so I never do it. I usually think if i was welcome I would have been invited explicitly.
I get that – but in this case I feel like he didn’t invite her not because he didn’t want to come but because he assumed she would spend it with her family as she has made it clear is her intention. So in this case she needs to find her voice and let him know she wants to spend it with him, and open the discussion for them to have a conversation about potential compromises.
It just seems to me like she is waiting for him to read her mind. And it’s not going to happen like that. If she wants to hang out with him she should bring it up.
This shouldn’t even really be an issue (yet). Now, if she brings it up and he is not willing to compromise (i.e. really doesn’t want her to go….or whatever compromise they can come up with) then that is an issue. But I don’t see how there is a problem here when they haven’t really even begun to discuss it.
I disagree. When people are in a relationship, at least where I’m from, it’s understood that when you invite your friend to your party, their s/o is automatically invited. The only time it’s not that way is if it’s a specific outing/girls nights/guys night/ etc… where the s/o wouldn’t be appropriate. Parties are usually open to many people, esp since she noted that it would be a “wild party”, that’s not exactly a sit down dinner thing. If I was throwing a party, it wouldn’t even be a question whether or not my friend’s s/o would be invited. But idk, some people/area/cities are diff. I just don’t think it would hurt the bf to ask his friend if she could come & she def. needs to express her opinion on the matter to him.
“it’s understood that when you invite your friend to your party, their s/o is automatically invited” I agree with that, and I always make sure my friends know they can bring their partners. But it’s up to them if they want to bring them or not.
What I mean by “when people does that” is not “when people bring their SOs to my parties” but “when someone I’m seeing assumes I want them to come with me and doesn’t wait for me to invite them explicitly”. I really don’t like that.
Some people are hard to integrate. They don’t make an effort and you, as the link between them and your friends, are supposed to make sure they are comfortable. And it ends up taking too much energy. If I know my partner and friends are not a good match and my partner is not going to do his part to get comfortable, I’d rather go alone. And it sounds like this LW will not try to have a good time, just mope around making sure her BF knows she’d rather be someplace else.
Just want to say I agree with your last paragraph sooooooo so much. I’ve been in relationships where it was as simple as that, my partner & friends were not a good match– he didn’t have fun coming along with me, and his presence stressed me out because I knew he was uncomfortable and sometimes I just wanted to have fun without worrying about how to make him feel better.
“He has had issues prioritizing his gazillion friends and me before, so this is why it makes me worried nothing has changed. What do I do??”
Ask him about you joining him at the party because you want to spend the holiday with him, then listen and watch carefully. His response will tell you if those priortization issues are going to crop up again.
If he hedges or seems like he doesn’t want you around, express your disappointment in not being able to go (without bringing up the past), and genuinely tell him to have a great time at the party. Why? Because you’ll know that you’ll pretty much be second fiddle to his friends in this relationship. You can start making plans to hang out with your friends on NYE…and start looking for a new guy.
If he makes a genuine effort to include you – even if that means you don’t end up going to the party…then breathe a sigh of relief, because he’s working to include you and get over the priortization problem. Only you will know if he’s being genuine or not, and only you can control your response to his actions.
Which reminds me: If his genuine effort means you don’t go to the party, make plans to hang out with friends on NYE…and don’t hold it against him, okay? Sometimes couples have to fly solo, and no one should go in to the new year nursing a grudge.
Good luck, and here’s hoping you two have many NYE celebrations ahead of you.
That phrase struck me as well. I (like I said in my comment below) think that this is more of a personal values clash then just the NYE party.
I’m betting that when this one gets updated, we’re going to hear about another breakup, how LW didn’t go to the party or the combo platter – they broke up because of the party (he didn’t want her to/for some obscure reason she couldn’t go/discussion over the party finally brought the underlying issues that are clearly there to the surface).
I agree with this. Or the update will be about a big fight they had over it and now she doesn’t know if she should stay or go.
So true. My first boyfriend ever (in early college) actually broke up with me over New Year’s plans. We’d been together for several months and I thought that it would be nice to spend the evening together. He said “I’ve been doing the same thing for New Year’s for 5 years now and I don’t intend on changing my plans”. And then broke up with me for “demanding too much of him”. So.
I like your post, but I would add one thing. If she chooses to go to the party, she needs to be genuine about going. Meaning that the LW should definitely not go just to play the martyr! I know the LW said that parties aren’t her scene, but she would need to at least act like she’s okay with being here. Hopefully she would even have some fun!
Otherwise if the LW were to go to the party but spend the whole time moping because she would prefer to be with her family, I could see the b/f being reluctant to attend things with her again. Besides, if the shoes were reversed and the b/f were to spend NYE with the LW’s family, she wouldn’t want him moping either!
Hope whatever the LW decides, she has a great time being with someone she cares about.
Good point, Splash. This is not the time for keeping a tally (“Since I didn’t go last time, I MUST go this time….”) or trying to make up for the past. Can’t wait to see the update on this one.
this is a great point. It is new years and fun! I am sorry but new years is not a family holiday. To expect a college guy to spend it with a gf’s family is overstepping bounds.
I think Wendy’s response is perfect. Do that, exactly.
I may get some flac for this, but this doesn’t sound like it is just about the NYE party. What struck me is she states: “the boyfriend stupidly flew down to party with his roomate”. It sounds like she critizes his decisions…maybe I am wrong but it sounds like they are two different people who want different things. She sounds like a homebody who enjoys spending time with the family ( and there is nothing wrong with that), and the boyfriend sounds like a typical college guy who likes to party. The great thing is he does comprimise to meet her needs, but it seems that she sees the compromise but wants even more. I just think that there is more to this story and the partying bothers her more then him just going to the NYE party with his friends. I guess what I am trying to get at is she will not change this guy into the family oriented homebody she enjoys being, and she has to compromise a little too. If she goes to the party she might find that she enjoys herself and will get to be with the boyfriend, or she can stay home and see him a few days later. But LW remember, he did make these plans with his friends first so don’t be suprised if he does not change them to hang with your family, but except the compromise he is presenting. And if I am right about this not just being about the party and it is a clash of personal values, you may want to reconsider what that will mean to you in the long run, because it may seem like something small now, but it will def get in the way later. Try to look at the big picture as well.
You might be reading too much into this, but I’m reading the same things you are.
Me too.
oh, hi : ) just saw this lol but yes me 3
Totally agree. It will be very hard to maintain a long term relationship with how far apart these two seem to be. I know if I was a home body and my BF was a party dude it just wouldn’t work. But maybe thats just me.
I agree with all this. And I want to add something.
I think the underlying subtext is that her feelings are hurt & have been hurt since she was ditched that first NYE. So every NYE he’s not with her just re-opens a wound that never actually healed. I wonder if she just pretended to brush it off because she knew that it wasn’t intentional or personal, but was actually pretty upset about it.
And I get it. Because I’ve definitely had my share of Come to Jesus moments with significant others in the past about how hurtful it is for them to make plans that exclude me without even considering my feelings about it beforehand, or bothering to make me aware of potential plans until they’ve already committed to them. Reasons for having done so range from “I didn’t think we had plans for that weekend” to “It just didn’t occur to me that I needed to tell you because I knew you’d be fine with it” to “I thought I did tell you”.
Here’s the thing. You gotta get over that, LW. You can confess it to your BF & explain that you’ve been carrying a grudge ever since, and that’s the context that you’ve been approaching all of this from, even though you know you shouldn’t have. And HONESTLY tell him that you’re going to pack all of that away and let this NYE be a fresh start for the two of you. Or you can just keep it to yourself & resolve to pack it away anyway because you don’t want this minor situation to turn you into an screaming banshee.
Either way, if you continue to hold onto that, it WILL poison your relationship to the point that you believe that he NEVER considers you or just doesn’t think much of you, and you spend the time that you are with him punishing him for that until he’s had enough. Don’t let that happen, LW: either breakup with him now (and honestly, it does seem as though you’re both on different pages) OR don’t let the previous situation color your entire future with him. Good luck, lady.
I love that you called it a Come to Jesus moment. 🙂
But in all honestly, she and her guy need to have a Come to Jesus meeting about what they want and how they BOTH feel, otherwise this relationship will turn sour quick.
Right, wrong, or indifferent, I don’t see her relationship with “the boyfriend” lasting till next year.
OK, LW, I totally get where you’re coming from. However, currently, I’m kind of in your boyfriend’s shoes. So here’ what it looks like from his side (sort of):
I live far from my home town and home state. My boyfriend lives there (LDR), my parents and family, and the one good friend I still have there. When I travel home, it’s usually for anywhere from 3-5 days over holiday weekends, because I don’t get much vacation time. I’m usually strung out from either 6-8 hours of plane travel, or 14-16 hours of driving. It can be really, really difficult to prioritize who I’m going to see. My parents live 3 hours from my sister, 2 hours from my one remaining good friend, and 2.5 hours from my boyfriend. Everyone is spread out across the state. So who do I prioritize? My parents, whom I love dearly but who are sooo boring I mostly just lay around and read with when I’m there? My sister, whom I love but bicker with when we spend more than 3 hours together? My friend, whom I almost never see, and am falling further and further away from? Or my boyfriend, whom I love dearly but who lives sooo far from everyone else, we basically spend ALL our time together when I’m there?
Obviously, my situation is different than yours and your boyfriend’s. I agree with Wendy- you can definitely ask him to spend more time with you, or to bring you to his NYE party. I hope he says yes. But also understand that he’s probably trying to balance his “guy time” with his “girlfriend time” and his “girlfriend’s family” time. Just because he wants to have a little of each doesn’t mean you’re at the bottom of his list of priorities. It just means sometimes there’s no good way to please everybody.
I like your prospective in your last paragraph.
It sounds like when you come home your loved ones need to plan a party so you can see everyone – even if it for only 1 night.
Haha- that would be fun. I am a terrible party-thrower, though. I get so nervous that no one will show up, or that they will and everything will be all awkward…I had my bf over for Thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ and I was a wreck all morning until he got there and everything was fine 🙂
Plus, it sounds like they go to school together, so he is able to see her most of the time. Granted, this time, it his own roommate he is going out with, who he also sees, but he does not need to “prioritize” her during the vacation the same as if it was always long distance.
I agree with what Wendy said, but I also tend to agree with what emjay said above.
The tone of your letter, plus outright saying that you’ve had issues with your boyfriend not prioritizing your relationship before, lead me to believe that this goes beyond a NYE party.
Listen, I get it. I had a boyfriend in college who was ALL ABOUT partying – as most dudes are at 21, after all – and I hated it. I tried to get him to do more things with me, but he was always beckoned back to partying. It frustrated me to no end, we fought about it a lot, and it made me feel insecure. Eventually I realized that what was happening was simply a sign that we weren’t right for each other.
I’m not saying you’re in the same position I was. But I AM saying that this could be a sign that you two might not be meshing well enough for a long-term relationship. If this is a pattern of behavior you aren’t fond of, and if the prioritizing is an ongoing issue, that’s a big sign that this relationship likely isn’t the right one for you. I know most 21-year-old dudes enjoy partying and hanging with their friends, but it’s not out of the question to find someone in your demographic, and maybe someone slightly older, who you’ll fit better with.
Which leads me to one last question – Why did you break up in the first place, really? Whose decision was it? You make it sound mutual, like neither of you wanted to get too serious. Yet it seems like you want some pretty serious-relationship-esque things out of your boyfriend – spending NYE with the family, prioritizing you above friends, etc. If you agreed to a break because you didn’t feel comfortable expressing your desire for something more serious, then this definitely isn’t the right relationship for you.
Hey RR! Its been a long time since I commented. I usually feel like I missed the mark all together with my advice,, but I am glad that I wasn’t the only one seeing something different than what the LW was writing in about.
Without thinking about their past history, I wonder if the problem of prioritization is really all on the b/f as the LW says.
When I read the letter I couldn’t help but wonder where her sense of priority is also. In reading her laundry list of why she wouldn’t go to the party (b/f didn’t invite her, she wouldn’t have fun, she doesn’t like wild parties, his friends didn’t invite her, she likes to spend time with her family…..), I wondered why, if spending time with the b/f on NYE is important to her, she seems dead set against going to where he is planning to be. It seems like this is also an opportunity for her to prioritize him too. I get the feeling that the LW expects the compromise to be him adapting to her instead of a trade off.
I feel like if he would rather party and she wants to stay home, him spending a few days with her after the fact is a pretty good compromise.
I definitely agree that you have to balance prioritizing each other, and compromise sometimes when you don’t really want to attend something. Occasional compromise is normal and healthy. But I wonder here if EVERYTHING is a compromise for either him or her…and if that’s the case, it probably means the relationship isn’t right. If she never wants to do the things he’s interested in, and vice versa, then that’s a pretty big sign that you’re not right for each other. These two may simply not have enough in common.
You’re right, and unfortunately sometimes that happens. If they can’t find enjoyment in activities the other likes or that they can do together, a relationship would be very difficult.
The last paragraph of ReginaRey’s response touches on this, but, LW…
First you say, “We had been dating for nine months, but wanted to spend some time being single before getting too serious.”
Then, “He has had issues prioritizing his gazillion friends and me before, so this is why it makes me worried nothing has changed.”
It kind of sounds to me like you guys broke up because he wanted to party & mack on chicks & you wanted to knit stockings in front of the fire & drink tea. I’ve been the girl at home knitting while her boy drinks : ) but at this age & time of life…. it might not work for you to date him, especially during college, if it frustrates you for him to be going out with friends on a big holiday where many (most?) 20-somethings plan on getting glitter in their underwear & drowning in champagne.
That’s not really what you asked… just sharing my thoughts : )
I agree with you completely.
Asking a hard-partying dude to ditch his buddies on NYE to spend time with his girlfriend’s PARENTS?? That’s not something I see happening. And like Splash says above – that’s not really a compromise. If she wants so badly to spend time with him on NYE, then she should go with him. He already has plans. Maybe she wouldn’t feel left out if she got to know the friends better. And MAYBE she would actually have fun!
But, as others have pointed out, there may be a values mismatch here. While homebodies and party-ers CAN date happily, I think that’s not usually the case.
i (a homebody) ecstatically happily dated my best friend (a partier) for 3 years in college….. but he had ZERO problems “prioritizing”… if i walked into a party, he would literally shout, “LK!!!!” & run over & pick me up & bring me around to everyone & make sure i got to play fun games with fun people & he’d even plug my ipod into his frat’s speakers so i could hear my music. when i stayed in from a party, he’d come to my room at the end of the night LITERALLY just to come kiss me & cuddle me goodnight – then he’d leave if my roommates were in or if i wanted to sleep alone.
point is, it’s possible. plus, i’m an introverted homebody : ) not a couplebubble homebody lol
BUT it doesn’t sound like their “break” was super amicable or like it was known that they’d get back together…. LW says, “nothing changed” NOT so now we’re really serious & happily committed to each other for the long term : /
You’re right, it CAN happen, but it’s a give and take. It sounds like you and your ex handled it awesomely.
I do say, though, that NYE is NOT the time for the home-body to try and get the party-oriented type to stay in with the family. Try it on a holiday that’s NOT centered around glitter and champagne. 🙂
For these 2? Staying separate might be best for both of them.
Respectfully, asking ANY guy to ditch buddies on NYE to spend time with the girlfriend’s PARENTS is a little bit much. It’d be one thing if this was choosing between partying with friends and spending the night just him and the LW, but that’s not what she’s asking for here.
I’m engaged, have been with my fiancee for several years, love her very much (and have absolutely no issue telling people that), and her parents are awesome . . . but even now, it’s insanely awkward to have PDA around her parents beyond the occasional hand-holding or curling up watching a movie. I don’t feel that way around our friends, but her parents? Definitely. I can only imagine that those feelings would multiply a million-fold if this was still a newish, not-guaranteed-on-the-way-to-the-chapel kind of relationship. So, yeah, I can completely see the boyfriend here choosing the buddies over the parents.
I mean, I get that this is college, and people go home for the holidays, and they don’t have alternate places to stay and such, but if the LW wanted to spend the night with her BF, why not actually suggest something outside of the home? The last time I was dating a girl (prior to my fiancee) on NYE — and she lived with her parents, for the record — I picked her up, we went out for a nice dinner, caught a movie, got coffee, took a walk in the town park, and kissed under the stars at midnight. Grand total of the entire night was maybe $80, tops (we got classy coffee, not that plain black stuff 🙂 ) for 5 or 6 hours of time together, and they could have split the cost. I think THAT’S the bigger issue: why does the LW see only “wild party” or “quiet night at home”?
Points for “mack on chicks”
For the record, I’m 23 and would much rather sip tea in front of the fireplace than get glitter in my underwear. I suffer from early-onset old lady syndrome. I need a dude who suffers from a mild case of old-man syndrome, too, I think.
I used to love partying, couldn’t imagine wanting to stay in on NYE and now I would dread going out on NYE. Funny what age does to you. I was lucky enough to find someone suffering from old-man syndrome when my partying days slowed down.
Last year, I let my daughter stay up for the ball to drop for the first time (of course we both fell asleep on the couch by 10:30). We made little snacks and taped balloons to the walls. Best NYE yet!
I have notoriously boring NYE’s. The best ones were when I was a kid, all the way up through most of high school and some of college, making dip and fudge with my parents and watching movies all night.
I’m so not in to NYE anymore either. I dread it in fact. I hate the super croweded bars with an $80 cover and open well drinks and then it takes you 20 minutes to actually get to the bar. I live in a big city, so this is the norm.
Anyway, last year my sis’s boyfriend couldn’t spend NYE with her, so we had a little party at her house. I rented movies and cooked this scallop/shrimp/lobster dish and we had champagne. So much fun! This year, I’m hoping for a low-key house party.
Yours sounds like a lovely evening l_b_h.
Yours sounds ideal too, minus the seafood. You would think vacationing in Maine every year of my life would have given me a love for it, but no.
I wish my sisters were still around to enjoy it with them.
Oh, l_b_h, I wish they were too!
Shellfish. I think you either love it or you don’t. A nice filet is also great, and special! I’m not sure what the vegetarian equivalent would be. A nice wild mushroom risotto?
Oh man I feel a need for a NYE related open thread! Something along the lines of what is everyone’s favorite way to spend New Years and any crazy new years stories! (Wendy are you listening?) 🙂
I’m “old” but I still like to party… I just can’t do it like I used to! Hangovers get SO MUCH worse with age. Now it’s limited to holidays and weekends when I don’t have much of anything planned on the following morning/day.
I heard that! For whatever reason, I could drink like a fish in college. Now, I’m drunk as eff after 4 drinks and that gets a little embarrassing when you’re 30.
Of course, we are usually drinking RBVs and Jager-bombs, so it’s possible that a lower tolerance isn’t necessarily to blame… Or it could also be my policy of drinking tastefully at home & restaurants (a glass of wine, maybe a beer or two), but going big or going home when it comes to drinking out on the town (see above)…
Jesus, that sounds terrible. I’m not really as much of a binge drinker as what I just said makes it sound. Never mind. :::walks away:::
I’d imagine that glitter in your underwear could cause some irritation…
Mee tooo, only I’m 24. But still. I knit/nap in front of the TV 6 nights a week, and the other is usually spent running errands or something. And then about once a month I go get my drunk on with friends. It’s a good system.
Same here – except I’m older, but it was just as true when I was 23. My NYE tradition is to go to my best friend’s parents house, where they have a little family party, because MY family likes to go out and get their glitter, and that’s just not my thing.
lol y’all … yes, my NYE tradition is to have a little champagne with my parents before they go out for my mom’s birthday… then i cook crepes & do a puzzle while I watch the annual NYE What Not to Wear marathon & start a new journal for the new year : )
Unrelated, but I adore Stacy & Clinton. I don’t really care that it’s a little bit cray-cray that I wish they were my friends. 😉
is it crazy that i think they already are my friends… ?
ME TOO! That’s why I’m so glad to be with a dude in his 30’s. He’s perfectly happy to sit at home with me on a Saturday night and watch UFC or cook dinner and play CLUE 🙂 I’m only 25 but I’m already an old cat lady, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Me too. I’m 23 but my biggest hobbies include reading, crocheting, cooking, and baking. If that doesn’t scream “old lady”, I don’t know what does. I’ve never enjoyed partying. For New Year’s Eve the past 9 years, I’ve made a tradition of staying home and having a few friends over. It’s AWESOME. We hang out in our pajamas, eat junk, play board games, watch movies, laugh uncontrollably, and have a grand old time.
I also have early-onset old lady syndrome! I work in retail and one of my co-workers requested New Years Day off (for obvious reasons) and when my manager was reading the scheduling requests I told her to feel free to schedule me to open that morning since I definitely won’t have a hangover. Last year my fiance and I stayed in and ordered pizza and watched the 3 BluRays we’d gotten from other family members for Christmas. This year will definitely be the same.
You’re asking him to join you for a fun time, not scrub the dead skin off your feet. “Hey boyfriend, I know you already have plans that you made before we were together and that’s cool, but I wanted to throw the offer out there to hang with me because I’d love to spend that night with you, what do you think?” Then he says yes or no. Worst case scenario, you spend time with him another day. What’s the big deal?
p.s. Not trying to belittle the LW for not knowing how to bring it up, I was just honestly confused as to why it was even a big deal. After skimming some comments above it does seem like there is more going on here.
Thank you! I am really confused about why this was necessary to write in about. I don’t even know how to give advice for this besides…talk to him.
i think my boyfriend should want to scrub the dead skin off my feet… question mark … or at least do it if asked. please god, don’t smite me for my unreasonable relationship desires : )
LoL… you’ve got a good man if he does! My bf won’t even touch my feet, but that’s cuz he doesn’t like feet in general.
LOL! I love it! I already knew that I’d found “the one,” but he really exceeded my wildest expectations when I came home from my bachelorette party (totally wasted, of course) with my shoes in my hands after walking the streets of Austin barefoot for at least a mile because my feet hurt too badly and I was too drunk to keep it together on heels. He washed my feet for me while I laid hanging halfway off the bed, drunk-rambling. And as I lay there, I didn’t tell him, but I thought, “Now, this is true love.” LOL! He did call them Hobbit Feet, but hey, I figured I’d earned that. What is it about handling our feet that really reinforces the commitment to us? 🙂
Ha! I’m a runner and ex-ballet dancer, so I wouldn’t wish performing a pedicure on me on my worst enemy, let alone my boyfriend. I guess I drew inspiration from my own biggest insecurity, lol.
“stupidly flew down to party with his roomate”
LW, I think you’re asking too much of this guy. It’s NYE. He’d rather be with his friends than with your parents. What’s so stupid about celebrating with his friends instead of with people he barely knows?
You haven’t been dating for so long. He’s not your husband or anything, you’re both very young, and you just got back together. Let everyone party however they see fit.
I agree. Also, I’m not a fan of people ditching firm plans when something else comes up – short of an emergency or a incredible once in a life time opportunity. If he made plans with a friend already and you want to spend NYE with him then ask if you can be included in his plans. If partying isn’t your thing then see him the next day. It sounds like you want what you want – your boyfriend hanging out with your parents for NYE. Period. I don’t see the part where you are meeting him half way or taking his needs into account. Characterizing his plans as “stupid” because they don’t reflect what YOU want isn’t the way to behave in a healthy relationship. You might want to rethink YOUR priorities before having that conversation with him.
I agree. This letter reads to me that the LW wants what she wants. Period. The boyfriend with her and her parents for NYE, notwithstanding the boyfriend has already made firm plans with his friend. I don’t see where she is meeting him half way or taking his needs/wants into account. Dismissing his plans as “stupid” because they don’t reflect HER choice is immature – and not the way to behave in a healthy relationship. I think she needs to examine HER own priorities before having that conversation with the boyfriend.
oops – first post didn’t go through until I re-wrote it (?)
One idea if you have the space is to host a small party of your own in the future. Then you get to set the tone, size, and type of people. My BF and I have done that successfully by merging our top people so we both get to see who we want to see.
Sounds like you both have differing ideas of fun – and that probably won’t change..at least not for a while. I doubt your bf will be happy hanging with his gf’s parents on New Year’s for a few more years to come so if this theme of different opinions on social activities / fun is a frequent thing you may want to reassess this relationship’s fit for both of you.
He might have issues prioritizing you, as his girlfriend, but I’m not sure this New Year’s Eve is an example of that. He had the plans before you guys got back together, and, based on what you said about the previous year, had probably already bought a plane ticket, etc. I do, however, think it’s a tad strange that he hasn’t asked you if you’d like to go with him, especially since he knows your feelings were hurt that you guys weren’t together for it last year. If it is extremely important to you to spend that night with your family though, you may just have to accept the fact that it’s not your boyfriend’s cup of tea, and he is probably pretty typical of someone in his early 20s in terms of wanting to spend it with his friends, and not with his girlfriend’s parents.
I will never forget when my husband and I were dating and his mother had the whole family over new years day. I HATED it because I wanted to drink and party with my friends and the next day hung over, we all sat there with Grandma. Honestly, It is just a day. Just like valentines, it is a manufactured thing. Don’t put so much pressure on the holiday. He had previous plans so just let it go. This isn’t an insult to you but just him living up to previous obligations.
Oh so true. About notting putting so much pressure holidays.
So, you have different opinions of how a holiday should be spent. That’s not a deal breaker. What I have done in the past, to great success, is I would do my thing. My SO would do his. We would pick a different day and do something special together that we both enjoyed. It’s a win-win, and you get to spread the holidays, or whatever it may be, out. More fun overall!
Wow. I need to edit before I post.
*Not putting so much pressure on holidays.
I think he hasn’t asked her to go is because he does not want to make her uncomfortable. I’m starting to play devils advocate I guess, but she does state that she does not like the party scene, I would assume that after nine months he is aware of that fact…but you never know right? Then on the other hand extending the invite to her regardless would show that he does want to spend the eve with her….hmmmm this is kinda a hard one….
It is funny that you think it is a hard one. I think it is just so simple to spend it separately and see each other later in the holiday. He has the choice to go to a party or play charades with her family? watch a movie? human sacrifice (j/k)? To expect him not to go out with his friends because she doesn’t like to party seems really harsh. She should do her traditions and see him another night. She won’t even be able to kiss him with her family sitting right there.
Well when I said a hard one is bc I’m not inside the boyfriends head. There could be a million reasons why he didn’t invite her that’s all I was saying. Trying to pin it down to one is the hard part! LOL! But you are right about about her expecting him to drop his plans for a family/ parental thing.
you are right about that. But I know when I was in college, the Christmas holiday was tricky in general because everyone was home. I lived 6 hours aways from school. So you didn’t see your college friends all four years. or went to one friend’s house, or you went back to campus early if you had an apartment. The LW is dealing with what every college kid does. He probably isn’t even thinking about it because this family time is so important. Or maybe he just wants a break.
Another thing that tips me off to some of the same things emjay and Regina Ray are saying is the fact that she mentions that this is her boyfriend’s ROOMMATE and their friends.
Something seems off if (after nine months of dating (even with a 5 month break), she doesn’t know these friends, and especially his roommate, well enough to feel comfortable tagging along to a party unless explicitly invited.
I know everyone’s college experience is different, but if it’s similar to mine or the stereotypical college experience, I don’t get the sense that this is a formal dinner party with a guest list. I would assume a roommate’s girlfriend would be welcome, no questions asked. It’s one thing to say she just doesn’t like the party scene and isn’t interested, but I get the distinct feeling that this guy is compartmentalizing his friends vs. his girlfriend. I don’t see a future where these two worlds aren’t blended in some way–whether that’s him making more of an effort to include her with his friends or her being more understanding when he wants/needs a “guys night”.
The point is, it shouldn’t feel like he’s prioritizing friends over her… in a healthy relationship, I think friendships should blend so it doesn’t feel so much like a zero-sum game for the partner’s attention.
It could be that this guy is compartmentalizing his friends. But it could also be that she doesn’t like his roommates and friends and hasn’t tried to get to know them.
Regardless, something isn’t meshing and your last paragraph is spot on.
I thought it was odd as well.
Lia- that is a good point about college parties. Extra guests are usually welcomed without question, especially if it’s a girl, and ESPECIALLY if it’s one of the dude’s S/O. I can kind of relate to the boyfriend here, because I like to party & tend to date guys that don’t. There is definitely a degree of compartmentalization that goes on. Having a low-key significant other can sort of work to balance out a crazy party lifestyle, so it could be that he doesn’t want to blend the two worlds.
With that said, if he agrees to NOT go to the party and spend NYE with the LW, he’ll probably be antsy the entire time, wondering how much fun he’s missing out on. NYE is a touchy holiday– expectations for a good time are always really high. I know it’s also the sort of holiday couples expect to see each other on, but if those couples have different ideas of what they want to be doing when the ball drops, then it’s best if they stay separate. If he’s spending the next few days with you, LW, I’d just let it go.
Hmm, not to be totally nitpicky but I question your use of the word “stupidly” as it seems overly dismissive and its not a term I really like using within the context of my own relationship since it denotes a lack of respect for the other person.
Just because someone’s personal decisions don’t necessarily jive with yours doesn’t automatically make it wrong or bad.
Eh, I’m probably reading too much into this, my art history degree is showing I guess 🙂
oh and during the past two NYEs my bf and I have been together as well as this one coming up, only last year were we not separated by a couple thousand miles. I guess I’m kind of sad about it but it is was it is *shrug*
no… i really agree that if my SO was calling me “stupid” ……….. well ……… they wouldn’t be so S to me anymore o_0
heh, yeah, at one point during a fight my boyfriend called me “stupid” in the heat of the moment and I actually stopped the fight and explained to him why he couldn’t use that word as an insult because its not only disrespectful and he also doesn’t believe to be true but it also keeps us from fighting fair– he understood and felt pretty bad after that. And, for the record, he hasn’t used that word since.
haha I didn’t really mean it as he is actually stupid! He actually called himself that after he told his roomie he would go to the party and then the next day I asked him if he wanted to spend NYE with me. Which he said he would have rather done, but needed to honor the commitment to his friend. The same thing happened this year, and especially because he committed before we were back together, he felt like he had to honor his word and not ditch his friends. I should have described it as impulsively….
But I wrote a reply to Wendy after I resolved everything, so hopefully it clears up some of the stuff that people have been confused about. 🙂
LW, I think you have to make a decision about what’s more important to you: seeing your boyfriend for NYE, or spending it with your family? Since the party is only going to be 45 minutes from your parents’ house, why don’t you go from like 7 to 10, and then go home (with or without him) to spend midnight with your family? I think your boyfriend is making an effort to show you that you’re important to him by coming to visit with your family for a few days afterward. You could show some effort in return by going to the party, socializing with his “gazillion friends” (whom I’m guessing you don’t know well, or care to know), and just trying to have fun. I don’t think you need to worry about anyone coming up to you and saying, “hey, you weren’t invited.” If your boyfriend is a good one, he’ll introduce you to people and help you fit in. I think the main thing is to do whatever will cause you to *not* be resentful going forward, and you’ll be fine.
That is actually a really good idea, and I really wish I could split it 50/50. The thing I didn’t really have space to mention in the letter was that the house the party will be at is at the end of a really dangerous, dark scary road and very isolated. Driving there at night is pretty much out of the question or I would just spend some time with my family first and go to the party around 10 and have it both ways! Boooo windy roads 🙁
Wait, so is everybody else sleeping over at this party? Windy roads? You sound like my grandmother here a bit. You need to NOT be so fearful of the world. Grown ups can drive down windy roads even at night…
Not on New years! I live in a rural area and the RULE is if you come you have to sleep over. especially if there is ice and snow. You can slide down embankments and noone would be able to find you. There is a reason this is the way horror movies begin. The only time I haven’t slept over for NYE is when I was sick and didn’t go out.
um, how does anyone get to the party if its impossible to drive there…?
they get there early and sleep over.
LW, I just needed to chime in and say that this is an absolutely ridiculous way to live your life.
Think about it this way. Driving on roads with curves (or anything else that looks “pretty much out of the question” for you) is not out of your reach. There aren’t people out there with stronger arms to turn a steering wheel, or feet which are more effective at pushing a brake pedal than yours are. You have all the necessary equipment. The world was made for people much dumber and weaker than you to navigate independently. I can tell just from this comment that you are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for. I once worked with someone with intellectual and developmental disabilities who had to take 3 different buses in a major city to make it to our appointments. And she did it, every freakin week, without a problem. Don’t sell yourself short.
Look, I don’t mention to belittle your personal sense of safety…but I do have to agree with many of the previous commenters. Assuming you are not living in a developing nation with very poor infrastructure, and this road is maintained but the government, chances are its in sufficient enough shape for you to drive safely at night.
If you don’t want to go, that’s cool, but don’t let a bunch of twist and turns stop you from going. Just go slowly, don’t have any alcohol in your system, and keep your brights on.
Is it a rickety rope bridge over a bottomless chasm with enormous man-eating screeching birds of prey? Is it guarded by a carnivorous troll? Are there murderous hillbillies with banjos lying in wait? Maybe there’s no paving and the gravel bottoms out into a quicksand bog that will devour you and your car without leaving behind a sign of your passage and untimely demise? By “isolated” do you mean that no one will hear you scream? I could go on, but…
are all of you city folk? Live outside of the snow belt? My parents would have KILLED me. I once was in a car accident in an area with no cell bars. It required walking along a dark road until I could call. And since there is no bars, your phone dies quickly. If her BF has to fly across the state, I bet it is flying to a rural side. I live in PA and if you flew to Harrisburg and drove a half hour, you would have no cell bars. I am with you LW.
I think the issue is that it really seems like the LW wrote about how to compromise, but all the details seem to make it plain that she doesn’t want a compromise. The LW can’t got to the party because she:
1. Likes to spend it with her family
2. Doesn’t like wild parties
3. b/f didn’t invite her
4. b/f’s friends didn’t invite her
5. wouldn’t have fun
6. the road there is dangerous
7. the road is windy
8. the location is isolated…
I can understand if the LW just simply said it isn’t her scene and she doesn’t really want to go to the party, is it reasonable for her to ask the b/f to spend NYE with her in her choice of venue. But, it just isn’t presented in that way. If the road is an issue, why not bring a sibling who is of age? Or a friend? That way you have company while you walk on the wild side? Unless the LW just doesn’t want to go, in which case, i wish she would just say so instead of making excuses!
exactly! this girl strikes me as the type who no matter what kind of solution your can come up with, they can come up with an excuse as to why it cant happen….
Well, she did say large state. And while I guess that could mean Alaska or Montana, most of the states that are large enough to warrant flying across are on the West Coast, or Texas, not part of the snow belt.
Anyways, I think Splash has it right. This is just one thing in a laundry list of why she wasn’t willing compromise.
LW, I agree with Wendy, and, because of my personal preferences, I side with your boyfriend. I like to party on NYE. For someone to ask me to spend a low-key NYE with them would be way way too much for me. Unless we were the only people on the Moon or on Mars…. Can’t say no to that!
But back to you – in your last sentence – “it makes me worried nothing has changed”. Did you even bring it up? If you hadn’t mention anything, and expect your bf to read your mind, well, no surprise nothing has changed. And you said it yourself, it’s not that he doesn’t want to be with you on NYE, but knowing you, he most likely didn’t invite you because he knows it’s not your cup of tea.
And the last thing I’ll bring up from your letter – you said that last NYE you were both texting each other and missing each other. I know you want this NYE to be different. How much would it be worth it to you? Would you be willing to give up spending the night with your parents and enduring a party for the few moments at the beginning of the year that you get to spend with your bf?
If you still can’t decide, flip a coin. As in, pick “heads” for staying with your parents and “tails” for going to the party (or the other way around). Flip the coin, and then, before you look at it, think really really hard as to which side you’d like to see. And that should be your answer. You won’t even have to look at the coin :). In the event that you still don’t know which option you like better, once you look at the coin, you have to do what the coin says. The coin always knows best 🙂
On a more general note – this is a new relationship. Before this, he had his own traditions, and you had yours. Moving forward, the only options are to merge traditions (it seems kind of hard in this situation) or create new ones. However this turns out, I hope you have lots of fun on NYE with your loved one(s) 🙂
I would just like to say that I like your advice, but she has to first find out if the BF even wants her at the party, and they have been together for nine months, so there could be a variety of reasons for him not inviting her. A) b/c she doesn’t like parties as stated. B) he wants to party hard w/o her complaining the whole time. C)he knows how much she likes to spend it with the parents. And of course there r a lot more possiblities, but these are some that popped nto my head first.
As a person whose scene includes wild parties, I was in your boyfriend’s situation a lot with my last serious boyfriend who was kind of a homebody. New Year’s Eve is right up there with Halloween as one of the best party nights of the year, so I think you should either give the party a try or don’t get mad when he doesn’t want to come and hang with your parents. My ex used to guilt me into staying home with him all the time when my friends were out having a good time, and I ended up just resenting him for, and eventually I started to feel like I had to choose between my boyfriend and fun, and you don’t want him to feel that way about you.
One way I’ve cleverly ensured my guy wants to be with me on New Year’s Eve is to make sure we’d be doing something, say, even remotely exciting. I mean, seriously, I am SUPER CLOSE with my family, but even we don’t sit at home with one another New Year’s Eve playing Mah Jongg as we watch Dick Clark. I mean, come on! Live a little.
Here’s another tip. If you don’t like wild parties — then don’t date some one who does. Because 9 times out of 10 it leads to nothing but fighting. Especially if the non-partygoer always insists on taking every time the partygoer actually (GASP!) goes to a party as a slap in the face. “Really? Am I asking too much?” Yes. Yes, you are. You most definitely are.
Moreover, he’s already made plans. And bailing on your best friend on a big day such as New Years is more than just a little lame…even if you all of a sudden have a girlfriend.
PS — Your boyfriend simply might not be inviting you because he knows you’d be a real drag. This sounds harsh, I know. But the tone of your letter implies you’d be a real wet blanket at this party. If you honestly can’t go and actually have a good time or hell, even fake it successfully— then don’t go. But don’t be annoyed that you’re not going either.
Mark, as usual, you said it perfectly. I spend every holiday with my parents/family EXCEPT New Yrs Eve! That’s a party day! Even for the people that don’t usually party! I would hate to recall my first “legal” NYE sitting at home w/ my or my S/O’s parents, as you say, playing Mah Jongg. LW, maybe you can talk to him about coming over your house until about 10-10:30pm & then you guys drive to the party. I know it’s 45 mins away, but in retrospect it’s not so bad. You gotta realize that even though you’re not into the “wild partying”, your bf is & he wants to live it up. You can’t hold him back from that or resent him. You either gotta accept it, try to join in, or end things for good.
It’s possible for a homebody and a party guy to be in a good relationship, it just requires flexibility and creativity. My Fiance and I have been together for 4 years, and during the first year I HATED going out on NYE – I hate crowded bars, I hate people who don’t know how to hold their booze and I hate trying to get a cab. Solution: we host a party. I get all pumped making dips, appetizers and and busting out the punch bowl, and also get to set my own tone for the evening (no beer pong table, but that punch bowl is filled with vodka, etc etc.) all of our friends come over, he doesn’t feel like he missed anything and at 2 am when everyone leaves, I’m in my cozy pajamas in 30 seconds. Compromise!
I’ve already had people asking about this year’s bash, so I know I’m doing it well and I have a lot of fun with it, and he doesn’t even mind not going out to bars and stuff because everyone he actually likes comes to him. Homebodys can still be fun people! They just need to actually… be fun.
I love me some mah jongg!!! That said, I would never force my husband to play it with me on NYE 🙂
Oh, to clarify: I wasn’t slamming Mah Jongg in any fashion. The members of my family are all slaves to it… We simply adore it and play it ALL the time. Hell, it’s the one game we all genuinely agree on… Plus, it’s rather like chess, the more you play it…the better you get.
I’m exhausted just thinking about staying up past midnight. LW, stay at home with your folks and let the bf hang out and get shit faced with his friends. It’s unfortunate but it isn’t tragic. Text him if you like but don’t obsess over it. If you’re still together next year, then you can spend NYE together.
As you get older, you’ll realize that NYE is just a day like any other and it holds no magical qualities other than an excuse to get together with loved ones and party.
LIES LIES DIRTY, DIRTY LIES
No lies, just age.
Haha you know what’s funny is my boyfriend literally told me almost the same thing. He was like, “It’s just another day! What matters is that I love you every day of the year – not just on that one.” cue swoon lol. But your comment actually made me feel a lot better – I was stressing over something that really isn’t worth stressing out over. It is just another day. 🙂 Thanks Landygirl!
Relationships require compromise. Spending NYE with your family is not compromise, it’s asking him to sacrifice the second-best partying day of the year (#1 being Halloween, of course) in order to sit home with your parents.
I’m assuming that you live with your parents now, but what FH and I do is throw a party at our place. It’s more mild than wild, but at midnight, we go drink champagne in the streets and watch our neighborhood ball drop with our friends. It’s definitely not sitting home with his mother and grandparents, playing games and watching the ball drop, but it’s not getting “take your top off” drunk and barfing in the street, either.
We spent our first NYE together with his family. It was weird and awkward, and she’s tried to get us to go up there every year to do it since. No thanks!!
Wanted to chirp in because this is basically what I asked my hard partying boyfriend of 2 years to do. Leave NYC, what we both consider to be the capital of NYE, his boys and family, and spend that night with me and my family up in our snowy new england college town. I’ve asked him to do this for 3 reasons mostly. 1. I haven’t been home for the holidays in 4 years and my mother is about to kill me. 2. My sister and her fiancée and my brother will all be there which is also rare. 3. NYE is (so cliché) our anniversary and we’d never really think about spending it apart baring unforeseen events. I really don’t think my request is out of line. We’ve gone out and partied hard both the year we were casually dating and our 1st year together, which is something I hardly ever do (being the elderly 23 year old that I am) My parents are very chill with everyone staying in their house and PDA isn’t really a concern. Plus the younger generation will probably go out drinking after the new year anyway.
In the LW’s case I think that the spirit of compromise is not part of this relationship on either side. Open communication is key, as such I doubt her BF knows how upset she still is about the year before. He is a bit thick if he does not realize she wants to spend NYE with him however. Likewise she needs to understand his expectations/vision for the holidays, and thats something she should tell him as well. It also sounds like she’s a homebody, and someone with a few friends while he thrives on many plans,friends and parties. That doesn’t mean they are doomed, but mismatched socially and to ‘make it work’ takes well work.
I haven’t read the other comments, but what in the hell was “stupid” about his visiting his roommate for last year’s NYE? You were a new couple, he had already made plans with his roommate, he was texting you all night, AND he spent New Year’s Day with you. That doesn’t sound like a problem at all to me. It’s basically the same thing happening this year: you just got back together, and he already has other plans. So he’ll text you all night, and then come see you the next day. What is the problem? I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to back out of plans he made before you got back together.
I glossed over that because I simply had nothing nice to say about that remark. But now that you ask, my take simply was that is was “stupid” because he didn’t sit at home like a stick in the mud with her. In other words, because in her world he did something that wasn’t “all about her.” A sadly typical mindset in most letters here of late….
Sorry, just read the comments and saw the LW’s update on her use of the word “stupid.” I do still think you’re being too hard on him – he clearly is making you a priority by texting you when you’re apart and then coming to visit the next day. And I stand by my last sentence. He made plans already, he may be the type who doesn’t like backing out of plans. My boyfriend is the same way. When we host parties, he gets upset when people who had RSVPed don’t show up. I try and explain to him that it’s not a big deal if someone says they’ll come to a party and then bails, but to him, if you tell someone you’ll be there, you had better be there (barring an emergency of course).
It’s all a bit convenient as an explanation. It simply doesn’t at all jive with how it was used in my opinion…
I think she used the word “stupid” simply because she is writing into a women’s advice site and therefore just assumed that EVERYBODY would instantly agree that for new boyfriend not to drop everything to spend NYE with her was utterly “stupid.”
I agree with you. I read the “stupidly” comment as meaning she expected him to invite her, even though she did not say anything to him about it, and he didn’t know that.
She explained that her bf used that word first. read above. Not everything is an invitation for your generalizations about gender.
k
Maybe I’m to far away from college to have perspective, but in what world is a college relationship that hasn’t even past the year mark yet serious enough to demand together time on holidays?
Maybe things were different for me at that age than for others, but I didn’t start spending holidays with a SO, or their family (or them with mine), until I was out of college, and had been with the guy for quite some time.
I’m not saying that this relationship doesn’t have a long term potential, but at this point in time together-time on a holiday should be considered a bonus, not an expectation.
Yeah. Now that you mention it, it does seem rather rushed…
Yes!! My boyfriend for a year asked me if I wanted to spend christmas with his family and I actually said no because I felt it is too soon for me to get to know his family on that level.
That might be true for traditionally family centric holidays but NYE to me has romantic connotations and by that I mean is all about getting drunk and hooking up. In this case yeah it would be about family time, but for a lot of people I think it’s actually not that uncommon to want to spend NYC with the person you are getting down with on the reg. (as my 17 year old brother would say) no matter how much time has passed.
Right, for a relationship of any length, spending NYE together is not unreasonable. However, she’s asking him to spend NYE with her family, not just with her.
So not only is it unreasonable to expect a relationship of this age to be spent with a SO’s family, in the case of this particular holiday, it is plain old unreasonable to demand he spend it with her family, period. Like you said, NYE isn’t really a family holiday.
Sorry, I suppose I should have made that more clear.
so i honestly think that the two of you wont work out because 1. you dont seem to be all that great with compromise, and 2. you only want one solution (your house with your family). while trying to having any relationship with those flaws is not going to end well, trying to have one with someone who is so different from you is going to be downright impossible.
now, i also honestly think that if the LW would shift her perspective a little (and learn to compromise and lose the “my way or the highway” route), this pair could work out…
so she is a homebody and he is an outgoing partier- so he learns from her how to be more low key and more homey, and then she gets to learn how to step outside her comfort zone and go to some outings!
by being together you guys could balance each other out- he would learn the joys of being with a family on a holiday, and you would learn the joys of a fun party on a holiday! the best of both worlds!!
also as a side note, i absolutely think it is asking too much for him to spend his entire NYE at her parents. he said he would go see you for a few days after… do his friends get a few days? they only get a night! i think that he is being very reasonable with you….
i also wonder what would happen if at some point you get married and you SO wants to spend holidays with HIS familly…
I actually agree with you. My reaction as I was reading this letter was… really, LW? Since you go to the same school, I would assume you see your boyfriend on a regular, if not daily, basis. He wants to spend ONE big night away with his friends (whom it’s not clear if he sees on a regular basis) and you want to drag him away to spend time with your family… I mean, come on.. NYE with your parents would be dull for a lot of people, not to mention a 21 year old guy.
I can totally understand why the LW would be upset that the bf didn’t want to spend NYE with her and I would probably be a little upset too. But my bf, for example, is a “guys guy”. He likes to do thing with his friends sometimes without girls around, so he’ll have a party or night out and not invite me. I know his personality and I know that this has nothing to do with me – he just wants “bonding time” with his friends. So while I can get upset that he would rather sit at a dive bar with bad music drinking overpriced beers with his friends while I’m at home without him, I am okay with this because 1. wanting “his time” is not a poor reflection on our relationship (just like I’m sure you wouldn’t want to invite your bf to a pedicure and facials party), 2. if I date him, I have to accept him as he is, including his needs for “guy and party time” and 3. I have no other complaints about him.
I completely agree. It’s also not fair (and to be quite honest, completely rude) to expect him to break his plans just because they got back together. The appropriate thing to do would have been for him to ask the guys throwing the party if she can come (especially if this is a larger gathering with other guys SO’s attending), and then tell her she’s welcome to join them. They should probably go ahead and plan for the next year now, too, so there’s no confusion.
I also tend to be a homebody, but spending NYE, or any other major party event, with my family? Not so much fun for me. Where are HER friends? Doesn’t she want to spend time with them, as well?
good call on her friends!! LW, where are your friends on NYE?
i didnt even think of that…
I think that this NYE has been blown out of proportion. Like someone said above, a college relationship of that length isn’t one that I’d say presumes that you should be together on NYE. From what I gather, if he wasn’t hanging out with this friend who lives near you, he’d be in his hometown, which is really far away (though I’m curious what state is big enough to warrant flying across it — Texas?). The point to me is that he already made these plans. He doesn’t have to ditch them for you, especially if your choice would be to spend it at your parents. He’s a 21-year-old guy, so NYE is probably less of a romantic holiday and more of a drinking one. If you guys work out in the long run (if that’s what you want), you’ll have plenty of NYEs to spend together.
Oh my lord, it’s only New Year’s Eve!!! It’s just one night out of the year, not the end all be all of the world! I personally LOVE to get dressed up and get a little crazy on NYE (I’m 27, the desire to do so was even stronger at 21), my 28 yr old boyfriend would rather not get dressed up and pay $85+ for a bar admission, so guess what – I’m going to a trendy downtown bar and my bf will be going to a buddy’s house. I was the one who suggested we split up for the evening and he was totally fine with it – and appreciated that he wasn’t pressured to do something he wasn’t that thrilled about doing.
There are two keys to a successful relationship – communication and compromise. You have every right to express what you want, but he has the right to decline an invite to spend NYE with your family (which, to those of us in bar hopping crowd, sounds like torture – and I love my bf’s family!!) Like the other commentors said, the key issue with this letter is saying he “stupidly” flew to be with his friend. I’m not sure how this can qualify as “stupid”…a “stupid” decision at 21 would be to pee on the street in front of a police officer with an open container while trying to start a fight. My boyfriend has done some less than intelligent things but I can’t imagine ever calling him stupid or dumb. I respect and care for him too much as a person to judge him so harshly – after all he is only human!! Cut him some slack, he’s only 21!!!
This relationship wont (and shouldn’t) go anywhere “serious” until YOU are his first priority, and not his gazillion friends. I learned this the hard way a couple years ago when I was the one with the gazillion “friends” who turned out to be nothing more than people who only stuck around as long as they were having a good time.
Yes. Definitely yes, it is too much to ask for. I’m sorry, but I truly think so, and you probably already know so yourself, that you would be putting him in an unnecessarily awkward position.
This close to New Years I’d just leave it as is. I myself never was the party-party gal, but even to me, thinking of how it was being in my twenties, imagining having really fun plans with my friends to party for NYE, and then not even a full weak beforehand being asked to change them, to instead spend them with my partner’s parents sounds like a death sentence – regardless of my feelings for my partner. NYE is special, and you’re asking him to chose between having a blast going to the party of the year and having a probably pretty sedate and boring evening with your parents, that you can easily have any weekend of the year. I’m not saying that you or your parents are booting per se, I’m sure he really appreciates them and would like spending some time with them – at least most other weekends of the year. But not on NYE, when the alternative is a wild party.
You’re so young! There are a finite number of wild New Years parties that will be like this, let him have his fun. Nest year, bring it up very early on, you can start talking about it in February if you want. But don’t make him chose between you – whom I assume he loves – and the fun fun party option. You would be forcing him to make a choice that will make him miserable whichever way he chooses. It’s considerate to not wilfully put people in these kind of situations. And you don’t really want to go with him to the youthful party either. So for this year, embrace that you are different in this aspect, and let it go at that. You have a family party with your parents and let him celebrate in the way he in all probability really prefers to. It’s too late to make him change his mind in a good way, no matter how you bring it up at this stage, it will be bad. Besides, it’s not like you’re married, or even engaged, it’s alright if he prioritises his friends to a certain extent.
Regarding: “He has had issues prioritizing his gazillion friends and me before, so this is why it makes me worried nothing has changed.”
OK, so this then is a serious thing to look into. Just not on NYE. Don’t make him prove you matter to him by forcing the issue on this NYE. but afterwards, really reflect on how ho does prioritise and reflect on if and in that case you need for him to change about those priorities. Tell him that you’re in a serious relationship now, and in order to move forward, you would need this and this from him. So what are we talking about? Think it through.
Is it time he spends with you? Is it time he sacrifices from his party friends? Is it not so much the time, but about the decision making, that you need to be included in the decision? So that you don’t feel you didn’t have a say in it? If he likes wild parties and you don’t, how does a healthy compromise that truly suits both of you look? You will have to meet him somewhere in the middle, think about which middle you can feel genuinely fine with. And then talk to him about it. How it is now, how it will be when you move in together, when you get engaged, when you actually start your own family. And again: don’t make him sacrifice the wild party now, just because you want proof that he will be able to do so some years further on. And then if you find he prioritises his friends too much, take it up in general, not at the cusp of a party you know he’s set on going.
So, let everything be as cards have been delt for this holiday, and talk about it in a general way afterwords. Tell him what is important to you – the time together? Being included in the decision? Etc
Good luck! 🍀
I totally feel you. My Boyfriend decided to travel out of country on NYE, including his family members and his friends (couples).
He did not have the courtesy to even sit with me to plan how I can be a part of his night, or he did not even impress the importance of my being with him.
Last minute he invites just 3 days before the NYE and he has been out of the country for a week already!
I think this is not a good sign, if your partner doesn’t see the importance of your being in his life sharing moments and precious time fully in his senses with you to capture it for future, then he is not the one for you. And my dear, he doesn’t deserve a minute thinking about why he doesn’t value what you do value.
Move on dear..