“My Boyfriend’s Joining the Military And I Won’t See Him For Years”
My problem is that he keeps telling me I don’t have to do this with him, I can leave and that’s OK. He even said he’s fine if we “ride this out till I deploy and then break up.” I keep telling him I’m here for it, I’m not going anywhere. His answer is that I’m not taking it seriously enough, not really realizing how hard it will be. But I do realize it; I’m just not going to sit here and cry about it until he leaves for basic. He’s a logical, realistic person, and I feel like this is partially his way of coping himself and also his way of making sure I’m not going to just leave as soon as it gets a little hard. He loves me, and I know he wants me to have the best life I can, even if it were without him. But I do want to go through this, I can do this. I just don’t know how to get that through to him.
I know, too, that he’s unsure because I haven’t really decided on a career since graduating college, and I am unsure of what to do with my life, but I honestly believe I can do both. I can find myself and grow while being there with him.
For some background: We met online back three years ago, and I moved to be with him two years ago, so long-distance isn’t new to us, which is why this doesn’t scare me as much. I handled it then and I can handle it now.
I guess I’m asking you how I can show him better that I can handle this, and also why does he keep saying I don’t have to do this with him? It makes me feel like he doesn’t love me….but I know he does.
I’m very confused right now, and any advice would be wonderful. — Ready to Wait
Wow, so after dating long-distance, you actually picked up and moved to be with him and then, without even discussing it with you, he told you he was joining the military and planned/hoped to join some sort of elite group eventually that would mean you’d hardly see each other for six years? And you are convinced he loves you and wants a life with you? Really?! Because this isn’t how someone who is committed to creating a life with someone behaves. At the VERY least, he would have had numerous conversations with you about this plan of his – how it would affect him, you, your life together, your plans for the future. And, yet, he did none of that. He just went ahead and made the plans, then told you about them, and then started working on convincing you how hard it would be on you and how ok it would be if you break up when it’s time for him to leave.
He is really trying hard to send some messages to you. You need to listen.
The fact that you don’t seem to have a life outside of him – that you don’t have a career, that you don’t know what to do with your life, that you need to “find yourself,” also speaks volumes. It’s like you’ve put all your eggs in this basket — your relationship with him — and you’ve neglected other aspects of your identity. So… of COURSE you are willing to put your life — yourself — on hold for six years waiting for him because you have nothing else going on, it sounds like.
This isn’t healthy. This isn’t what Ted wants for you, and, consequently, it’s not what he wants for himself. He doesn’t want a woman whose identity is so wrapped up in him and his dreams and his plans. I think he probably wants you to have a life outside of him… and you should want that, too, especially since it doesn’t sound like the life you share with him is truly a shared life to begin with. You are hardly integrated in it if he’s making all these plans that so greatly impact you without even discussing them with you first.
Don’t waste your youth on this relationship that doesn’t even include you. Take this opportunity to break up amicably and find yourself, without the pressure of being someone’s rock. Be your own rock. Figure out who you are and what you want while he does the same, and maybe, if you’re meant to be together, your paths will bring you back to each other. And maybe they won’t. But I can promise that a path you follow to your own dreams and goals will be so much more satisfying and fulfilling than following the path to someone else’s dreams, especially when you are being told in more ways than one that you aren’t really welcome to accompany him on that path.
In other words: I think it’s probably time to MOA.
While I am planning to return to work part-time, do more community hobbies with our three girls at night, or do online college, he is not really looking further into the future for us all to be happy and at peace, I feel. When we first got together, he wanted a lot of children and we thought we’d build a family business together. But all of that has changed in the five years we’ve been together. Help us! — Ready for #4
You are NOT in a good position to continue adding to your family. You aren’t on the same page in terms of shared goals and ambitions, and as in the first letter above, your guy is trying to give you some messages and you are ignoring him. He doesn’t want what you want. He probably feels utterly overwhelmed being the sole breadwinner for a family of five as it is — a family that lives in a small home and can’t afford a wedding — and parenting three children.
When you have three children like you do and you are gunning so hard for a fourth baby before you have a financial plan in place for supporting all these kids, and before you and your partner have agreed on general life goals together — it’s often because there’s a huge gaping hole in your life that you’re trying desperately to fill. Your first, second, and third babies aren’t filling that hole and neither will a fourth. Babies aren’t bandaids. Work with what you have already. Figure out what is going on with your relationship and your financial plans.
Also, when you’re supporting three small children and a stay-at-home partner, you don’t need to own a tuxedo. The only thing your fiancé is trying to buy is time because he is not ready to legally tie himself to you and this life you’ve begun together. He sure isn’t ready to tie himself to one more mouth to feed. Please, please, listen to what he’s trying to tell you. He does NOT want more children. What he probably wants is a closer partnership – to feel more connected to you and on the same page in regards to future goals and plans. These are far more important steps to take in a relationship than adding to your brood.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1, he’s trying to break up with you, or more accurately, have you break up with him. He’s not even entertaining the possibility that you two could get engaged, then married, and you could move with him. He’s trying to tell you it’s over.
LW 2, you are an entitled fool. You don’t work, and you expect your fiance (NOT husband) to sign up to support you PLUS four kids? In a house that’s too small for you as it is? If I were him, I’d stop having sex with you, since you’ve got “accidental” birth control “failure” written all over you. Stop having children. Get a damn job.
LW1: Besides him telling you pretty clearly that he isn’t interested in continuing the relationship, you just THINK you can do it. You really can’t. I don’t mean that in a mean way but 6 years is a LONG time and you are so young. You will completely change as a person in that time, as will he. Sure, you could both change in ways that work but he doesn’t want it to work. You don’t get to convince someone to be with you when they say they don’t want to.
LW2: No, no more kids. No marriage. He is also being clear. He changed his mind once he saw the reality. If you can’t afford to have more children you do not do so!
LW1: Kiss him good-bye NOW. Don’t date him till he deploys. This is a recipe for disaster, for letting you with a broken heart. Just take the hint and say today: OK, let’s part our ways. He wants it. He wants to be free. He wants to invest in his career and not have you as a burden (sorry) to carry everywhere (I mean: entertain a long distance relationship).
And why on earth would you jeopardise your youth, your career, your love life, for some guy who says he wants to split and make his own choices as far away as he can without you? You are a masochist or what? Focus on yourself. This is not the only man on the planet. You will meet other men, who will want to build their life with you.
It seems you want to win some prize as the longest love sufferer in the world. Jesus!
LW2: I complain your “fiance”. What are you trying to escape? Focus on the children you have.
LW1 – he’s trying to get you to end the relationship. Why he’s too much of a weanie to do it himself, IDK, but he’s clearly trying to get you to pull the trigger.
I mean, I guess he’ll take the sex until he deploys, but there’s nothing confusing going on at all.
There’s no future here.
I’m sorry for LW1, but yes! Your response sums up the situation exactly and made me laugh, too. Well said!
LW1:
He is sending you a message. He wants to break up, but he’s too much of a NiceGuy^TM to do it himself. When you join the army, you aren’t gone for six years without any leave. When you are on active duty, you are entitled to thirty days a year.
“HOW LONG WILL I SERVE?
Active duty service terms typically last two to six years, but your service length may vary depending on your unit’s mission. Soldiers are eligible for a two-week rest and relaxation leave after six months of deployment.”
That’s from goarmy.com and my personal experience with a father was in the military, and a boyfriend ages ago.
He’s telling you a tale because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.
You need to start making your own life. It’s not healthy to be so dependent upon one person for everything. It’s going to be hard but you need to build a life for yourself. Get out of there, regroup, get to school or a job, or both. Make friends, find hobbies and things that genuinely make you happy. Yourself, not a boy.
Good luck.
Do anybody else feel stressed out when reading the second one? How is having another baby a good idea when you can’t financially support your own family? Also why does his mom decided whether or not she can have a job?
I think the boyfriend of LW1 did end it, and she’s just not hearing him. He may not have come out and said “I don’t want to be your boyfriend anymore, I am breaking up with you,” but he sure got the intent across. “I’m going away for 6 years and I’m fine with breaking up when I deploy.”
Lw1’s boyfriend definitely wants out and is trying to let her down easy as presenting it as an inevitable consequence of his deployment.
LW1: He’s not expecting you to cry. He’s expecting you to understand the reality of the situation, because most people would not stick around. I know it seems romantic, but you’re essentially putting your life on hold for six years for someone you’re kind of not really in a relationship with.
LW1, if your fiance doesn’t want a 4th child well that is that…you can’t bring a child into this world who is unwanted. He probably didn’t fully understand how much work kids are till you moved in together and had the third baby. Now he knows he doesn’t want another. My advice is to stop focusing and dwelling on wanting 4 kids so badly and enjoy having 3 kids. Also, it really sounds like you guys are not in a financial position to have more kids anyway. It’s not responsible to keep having kids if money is tight. I think you should focus more on other things…get a degree if you can, come up with a plan for a career for yourself, start putting money into retirement, start saving for college for your kids, start saving so you can get a bigger place to live if needed. Your youngest is 2 (I think that’s what you said)…3 years till they are in Kindergarten. That gives you 3 years to come up with a career plan for yourself, get some kind of degree or certificate if needed, and then find a job where you can start contributing the family, health care, retirement, and savings. Start thinking more responsibly and rationally and less about you emotionally wanting things. Remember, it’s totally normal for women to have this huge desire for another baby when their child is about age 1 or 2…it’s a hormonal thing. Good luck.
LW1: he wants to break up with you, but he’s too much of a coward probably because he’d rather keep you around for sex and to not be lonely before he goes. Someone who wanted to keep you around would have talked this through with you and figured out a way to make distance work. It will not be the same the second time around. I was in an LDR with my now-husband until we got together. If he had to leave for a long time now, after we’ve lived together, neither of us would handle it well. Also on some level I question how attached you are given you’re so comfortable with the idea of an LDR again after having lived together.
LW2: kids are a 2 yesses or one no situation. If one says no it shouldn’t happen. I’m guessing Fiance started to change his mind about having a large family once reality set in about being the only breadwinner supporting a large family. Maybe you had promised you’d work and he thought you’d be working by now and he feels betrayed by you. Maybe he was naive about the cost of raising kids and he’s understandably seeing reality and adjusting accordingly. Also being financially tight means every additional kid will lower the quality of life for the prior ones. It’s unfair to your current kids even if you can’t comprehend how unfair it is to your husband too. There’s a good chance he only proposed out of a sense of obligation to the kids as he is probably beginning to distrust you as you don’t seem to see reality. Going broke can happen and it isn’t pretty. Go to couple’s therapy, get a job, and whatever you do, don’t have another kid. Your relationship is on the rocks as it is and kids only magnify problems. I’m also guessing you want another kid as a way to procrastinate getting a job and going to school. This economy won’t let you keep having kids to avoid that. You will go broke first and then you won’t be able to go school. And then you’ll probably lose your relationship with your fiance and strain your relationship with your kids.