“My Boyfriend Never Wants to Have Sex”
The first year was the best, but then we moved in together and his sex drive kind of… disappeared. I noticed that, instead of having sex four or five times a week, it quickly became once every two weeks. When I asked him about it, he would simply say that he was tired. The first few months we would still have sex, but only because I would ask. One day I decided to let him want me, and nothing happened for six months. When I ask, he says that for him sex is not important, that he is just tired, and that, no, he is not cheating. I even asked if he was gay, and he said no to that as well.
I know it’s a delicate subject especially for guys, so I never shout and I always stay calm when communicating. I begged him to tell me if maybe I am the problem, if maybe I should change something; I asked him to see a doctor as maybe that would give us answers. He finally went to the doctor and nothing was wrong with the blood test results, so I asked him to see a sex expert, saying that I would go with him if he wanted me to, but he doesn’t do anything.
I love him, but I am not happy. One day I am telling myself that it’s over, the next day I will look at him and think, “Why would I leave him when apart from the sex issue everything is going well?” Plus, I don’t want to break his or my daughter’s heart. I hate that I start thinking about other guys just for sex — I am not the kind of person to cheat — but my mind is driving me nuts!
What should I do? Am I being selfish? Should I be more patient? It has been two years, but nothing changes and I am completely lost. I don’t want a life without him, but I don’t want to stay with him if it remains this way. — Tired of Waiting
Your boyfriend has made clear that he doesn’t care about your feelings. He is fine and that’s that, and your needs don’t really matter. It’s not fun, but you have to make a choice. We are often faced with choices in life that aren’t the most ideal, that leave us unsatisfied, sad, and wishing things could be different. Most relationships don’t work out. Think of all the relationships you’ve had in your life. None have worked out so far, right? It’s what makes finding the “right one” so special. Because so many things have to feel right in order for a relationship to work — you have to be compatible in a variety of ways, you have to trust each other, like each other, love each other, have chemistry, have shared values and goals, have mutual respect, and have commitment to meeting one another’s needs. If any of those things is off and it can’t be fixed (especially if one or both partners don’t want to put in the effort in trying to fix it), the relationship can’t work. That doesn’t negate how wonderful every other aspect of the relationship might be. Indeed, that’s what makes breaking up so painful; when you feel deeply that so much of the relationship is good and wonderful, it especially hurts when there’s something that simply cannot be overcome to make the relationship successful.
Most relationships don’t work out. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but when we do — when we accept that that’s the realistic truth of it — it helps give us the push we need to leave when it’s time. It doesn’t ease the pain — it’s not supposed to. Breakups really hurt. They break hearts — especially when kids are involved. They take time to process and heal from. They leave us a little bruised and maybe gun-shy about pursuing a new relationship. But, hopefully, they teach us, too. They teach us a little more about what we absolutely need, what our deal-breakers are, and what we can afford to be a little more flexible about. Every breakup brings us so much closer to the right relationship — the one that won’t fall apart and leave us broken-hearted. Every breakup brings us closer to the relationship that will work out. I don’t think this is that relationship for you… but it could be the breakup that leads to the one that is.
Thank you in advance for any advice you can give. — Not the Maid
Divorce the motherfucker.
