Recently, we’ve stayed at their home a couple of times to visit/help out with their puppies (they don’t have children), and Darlene has been a bit friendly towards my partner, like moving her chair closer to his while dining. He did move his closer to mine (good move, not much gets by me). This last visit was very bothersome; we entered the house, she had already had a cocktail, she put her arm around my partner’s back/waist, looked him in the eye, and said, “What can I get you to drink?” in a flirty way, which I felt was inappropriate. He didn’t seem to mind because he is a narcissistic, attention-needing professional. Moving forward, when we went to leave, I gave her a hug which she seemed normal with, but then she wrapped her arms around my partner with her big tatas and said to him, “I love you.” It was just so inappropriate and I was very angry. Big tatas to my partner are like cocaine to a drug addict.
So my real concern is that all of my children and spouses and grandchildren are renting a beach house for five days, and I don’t want to leave those two alone at any time; I just don’t trust her not to do something stupid, as she seems really interested in him, and I’m not feeling that he respects me. If he can’t help himself, and needs that much attention in the worst of ways, then I would leave him, and he knows it. I am already not looking forward to that weekend. Advice would be helpful. — Not Down With the Tatas
I think that if you are so threatened by a woman with big tatas – a woman married to your son — that you’re already threatening to leave your partner if he seems in any way to enjoy her company, your problem isn’t with Darlene (or her datas). Honestly, I’m not even sure the problem is with your partner. I think the problem is with you. Nothing you said about Darlene seems so unusual. She likes to drink and is gregarious and friendly. It sounds like she’s a gracious host who offers her guests something to drink when they arrive (omg, crazy). So, she moved her chair closer to your partner at the dinner table, so what. You’re reading WAY more into that than a chair move warrants. Maybe she wanted to be closer to the bottle of wine. Maybe the “I love you” was borderline questionable, but drunks say stuff like that all the time. Especially ones with big tatas, and I should know.
So, here’s what I would do if I were you: I would get breast implants and start drinking more before your big family beach vacation so you can keep up with Darlene and steal back some of the attention from her. Oh, I’m kidding.
What I would really do is leave your partner at home since it seems apparent you don’t even like him anyway (he’s a narcissistic, attention-needing professional who doesn’t respect you, after all). Maybe it’s time to MOA, actually. And then go to the beach and don’t worry that Darlene with the tatas is tying one on because she isn’t your problem and you aren’t in competition with her. She’s your son’s wife of ten years. And if he’s not worried about the effect her big tatas and flirtatiousness is having on other men, you shouldn’t be either.
I have mentioned to him about planning things to do but it is impossible with his last-minute shift arrangements, and I understand that on weekends he has a lot of things to do, so it’s hard to see him. He assured me that he likes spending time with me but that we can’t do normal couple things like go out during the weekends as he’s asleep or juggling seeing so many different people and getting things done.
I know he cares about me as when I am with him he looks after me and we have fun, but it’s so rare for us to spend time together and it’s hard for me not to get upset when he chooses to see his friends or to do other things on the weekends rather than spend the time with me. The time I do spend with him is usually just relaxing watching a film or chilling at home as he is tired and wants time in after working and seeing his friends.
How can I change the way I feel about this and ultimately know he still loves me even though we can’t spend hardly any time together or have a “normal” relationship? There are so many relationship things I’d like us to do together, but ultimately I need to accept and be happy with just spending time with him relaxing and do the fun “couple” kinds of activities with friends instead whilst he’s working. I have set aside a time limit of a month to consider everything and make a decision on whether I can stay with him. What do you think? — Wanting More of His Time
I think what you’ve described sounds mind-numbingly boring and, unless you’re like in your 90s, I can’t imagine why you’d settle for these crumbs of a relationship this guy is dropping. You act like you’re the only one with a choice to make: settle for what he’s giving you or move on (move on, by the way), but he has a choice too: spend time with you or spend time with everyone else. He is not choosing you, so why on earth would you choose him and the boring, kind of degrading relationship he’s offering?
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.