“My Fiancé Sees His Female Friend Behind My Back”
solution for. We’ll call her “Amber.” Amber and Scott have a several mutual friends from their childhood and youth group. Scott had strong feelings for her in high school, but unfortunately for him, they were unrequited. From what we’ve discussed, I gather that she was a girl who liked the attention and genuinely liked Scott as a friend, but nothing more. Amber was the girl who broke his heart.
I’ve always known that they’ve kept up with each other via email – not often, just occasionally. I know that he met up with her several years back, just to catch up. This was before we started dating. Two years ago, he mentioned meeting up with her for a drink after work. I would be out of town for work, and he seemed pretty relieved that I wouldn’t be able to join them. After some discussion (the crazy, insecure girl inside of me came to the surface), he explained that he just wanted closure, that he wasn’t looking for a friend, just wanted to get some feelings resolved. Well, I had to understand that. I can’t keep somebody from trying to move on from hurt feelings.
Then six months ago, he casually mentioned that Amber’s marriage wasn’t doing well (she’s having an affair with a wealthy, married man and is getting divorced). I was pretty surprised by the conversation. I didn’t even know that they had been talking. It turns out that he had met up with her twice. He insists it was innocent, and I completely believe him. He apologized that he did not tell me, he honestly thought he’d mentioned her name. We often each meet our own friends on our own. He promised he’d always keep me in the loop going forward, but the kicker is that he told me that he did not want me to meet Amber. His reasoning is that she can be catty and mean and he thinks that she would say something to me that would hurt my feelings. And if she does that, then of course his friendship with her would be over.
I can’t understand why Scott would want to be friends with this woman. He knows that I am hurting over this friendship, and yet there is no resolution. I can’t get past these feelings that either he doesn’t
care how I feel and/or there is something more. And I cannot be the kind of woman that forbids her man from having a friend who is a woman. But the whole “not meeting” is a big kink. This is just too much for me. Am I being an idiot by being so trusting? Or is he just completely clueless? — Concerned Fiancée
First of all, let’s get something clear: you are not a “crazy, insecure girl” because you’re worried about your fiancé meeting up for “closure” with some woman whom he once had unrequited feelings for and being relieved that you’ll be out of town when he finally sees her. Second, it wasn’t “closure” if he’s still meeting up with her occasionally behind your back. Third, he didn’t forget to mention he was meeting up with her. He purposely didn’t tell you about the occasions when he saw her because he knew it would upset you. You two are engaged, which means you probably talk a lot (and if you don’t, you shouldn’t be engaged). When you talk to someone every day, as most couples who are engaged to be married do, there’s very little day-to-day activity that goes unmentioned. Unless, of course, there’s an activity that one party wants to keep secret from the other.
You have a bad feeling about Scott’s friendship with Amber for good reason. It’s shady. He said he wanted closure and wasn’t looking for a “friend” and yet he has continued to see this woman he once had — and maybe still has? — unrequited feelings for. You are not wrong for feeling suspicious. And you would not be wrong for expressing your discomfort to Scott and telling him you have a real problem with him spending time alone with a woman he was had more than platonic feelings for and whom he can’t bring himself to introduce to you. You are not wrong in telling him you can’t understand why he’d WANT to be friends with someone he speaks so negatively about and that you have to wonder what it is that keeps him wanting more from her despite having supposedly gotten “closure.”
You can tell him you have no problem with him having women friends, but you do have a problem with him having women friends he sees behind your back, whom can’t bring himself to introduce to you, and has such unpleasant things to say about. (And for the record, I don’t believe the reason he wants to keep you apart is because he’s worried she’ll say something mean to you. I think it’s because he’s worried what you’ll think when you see them together. Maybe there’s chemistry there he doesn’t want you to witness. Maybe he’s concerned that because you know him so well, you’ll see how he acts when he’s with her and cut right through to his real feelings. I’d be worried, too, if I were him).
What you know about this woman is that she has no problem screwing a married man and that she likes attention from men who want her regardless of what her feelings for them are or what effect she has on them or their lives. What you know about her relationship with your fiancé is that it has, at one point (and perhaps still), included romantic feelings and that most of it — including the woman herself — has been kept secret from you. I’d say for those reasons alone you have very good cause to be concerned, and to feel disrespected. So tell Scott that. Let him know he’s treading on thin ice here and that his behavior is putting your relationship in jeopardy. Establish the kind of respect you hope to have in your marriage NOW. Let him know that his relationship with you should be the most important thing in the world and that it’s both of your jobs now to put your relationship FIRST, to take care of it and nurture it and not let outside influences, like a “friend” of one of yours who is apparently so unpleasant she can’t be introduced to the other, fuck it up.
Maybe you don’t feel comfortable dictating whom your fiancé can and cannot be friends with, but I hope you also don’t feel comfortable marrying someone until you feel 100% confident that he has the best interests of you and your relationship at heart, above everything else.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
First of all, Wendy- loved your advice! I loved the fact that you made it a point to tell the LW that she is not crazy or stupid. I think all too often when people are suspicious about their significant other doing, well, suspicious things, they are made to feel like it is their issue. This is not your issue LW.
The other day, Wendy posted this link:
http://lydianetzer.blogspot.com/2012/04/15-ways-to-stay-married-for-15-years.html?spref=fb
There was a particular quote in here that I wish the LW’s fiance would read and take to heart: “Leave your ex boyfriends and girlfriends alone. I’m sure you’re very trustworthy. Aren’t we all? The thing is, there’s absolutely no reason to test it. Your husband (or wife) and your marriage are more valuable than any friendship. Any friendship that troubles the marriage should be over immediately.”
I think if this guy is willing to make some changes (by stop hanging out with this woman!), than this relationship is salvageable. He might just not be admitting to himself that what he is doing is super shady. But, if he is unwilling to place his future marriage as his biggest priority by stop seeing this “friend”, well… he might not be the kind of man you want as a husband. Time to be 100% honest with your fiance, LW, and stop sugar-coating how much this situation is making you uncomfortable and hurt.
Wendy, this is PERFECT.
And LW– there’s no reason to let your desire to be cool with everything override the very reasonable distress you’re feeling. Your fiancè is being SHADY, and that’s not okay. It doesn’t matter if there’s nothing physical going on– he’s still deliberately NOT mentioning things & pushing boundries with a woman who “used to” have strong feelings for.
LW, this isn’t normal. There’s a big difference between being secure enough in your relationship to allow your fiance to have female friends and being okay with him meeting up with a girl he 1) used to have teenager-fueled romantic feelings for and 2) that he won’t let you meet. Please don’t believe him when he says he just forgot to mention that he had met up with her (more than once!). In reality, he just wanted to put his toe in the water without having to tell you about it. Even if he’s deeply committed to you, he’s probably having all kinds of “what if” thoughts since his relationship with her never came to fruition. By spending time with her, he gets to gauge how that future might have been. This isn’t cool. Not to mention, if he says she’s mean and wouldn’t get along well with you, why would he want to be friends with her himself? His first priority should be protecting his relationship with you. This girl shouldn’t even be a blip on the radar in the grand scheme of his impending marriage with you… but he’s letting her be. And you shouldn’t feel bad about questioning his behavior or calling him out on it.
LW- My husband has met up with his x-girlfriend several times over the years, and once right before we got married. He was with her for a long time, and he felt like he just needed to have one final conversation with her before taking that next step. And I was fine with it. I might give him shit about it jokingly, but really, it doesn’t bother me at all.
HOWEVER– If it really bothered me, he wouldn’t go. Or if I wated to come along, he would welcome me.
Your fiance is still thinking as a “me”. When you’re engaged/married, you need to think as a “we”. When you make decisions you have to think about how they’ll affect you both. It sounds like he’s not doing that, and that concerns me. You need to have a serious conversation with your fiance about his behavior. He’s been sneaky and he’s not making good decisions for you as a couple. I would not marry this guy until you guys resolve some of these issues!
Umm, yeah I 100% agree with Wendy. Your boyfriend is acting extremely shady, and it’s fine that he has female friends, but if he has female friends that you aren’t allowed to meet or talk to then there is something very wrong with that! I can be certain when I tell you that the reason he is making her out to be such a bad person is so you wont think anything is going on with them, he knows you are insecure about her, and he thinks if he makes her look bad you wont think anything is going on between them, and you will let him just keep on hanging out with her. He probably thinks you feel more comfortable if he tells you she is bedding up with some other guy right now.
I can also tell you that even though he might not be physically cheating on you, he definitely is still crushing on her hard, and that’s not cool either, because he isn’t removing himself from that situation. Eventually he is probably going to do something with this girl so you need to tell him that you either get to hangout with them together, or he has to stop seeing her. If she is such a good friend of his she could find a way to be nice to you. It is just bad that he would rather lie, and hide things from you, just so he doesn’t have to stop being friends with a hot piece of ass who he is in love with who HATES you! Oh and he definitely didn’t forget to tell you he was hanging out with her, that just doesnt happen!
I know this sounds judgy, but let’s take the first half of Wendy’s third paragraph and then think about the boyfriend….and how pathetic you have to be to be entertaining never-dead romantic feelings for a girl like this in his mid-freakin 30’s ESPECIALLY one he has had prior history with….(zomg, but people change!!)
LW do what Wendy advises, but if I were you I’d probably just dump him…this situation doesn’t really reflect well for what he thinks of / how much he values your relationship.
i think this is one of those times where it just doesnt feel right… something is off. that isnt crazyness, LW, and you need to trust your gut!! there is a huge difference between being a controlling bitch and saying your fiance cant have any female friends and then being worried because your fiance is being super shady with a former crush… huge difference.
also, did anyone else catch that these “feelings” were had in high school and this man is now is his mid-thirties?!?! how is he not over this woman?
I’ve never agreed with Wendy on a letter as much as I do this one. Sometimes I’ve read letters and thought “really, this is what you’re upset about, get over it!” There is nothing indicated in this letter that makes me feel the LW is crazy or that her fiance is being misunderstood.
OK, this guy had a crush on this girl in high school, and in his thirties he decided to meet her to get over his unresolved feelings and gain “closure”? Get over it! It was fifteen years ago! It just seems really fishy to me. If my boyfriend told me he was going out for drinks with some girl he liked back in high school to get closure, I’d tell him to grow the F up and go see a therapist if he needs closure.
People who are about to get married socialize with the opposite sex, but usually in groups and not in clandestine one on one meetings.
He’s putting this woman above you and your relationship — bottom line.
A happily engaged person should not need closure over requited love from high school. I am not not even dating anyone, and I don’t feel the need to revisit anything with any guy from my payt, much less a crush. Everything Wendy said was right. I don’t see how you guys could possible move on to marriage while he’s secretly seeing Amber and keeping her away from you.
LOVE Wendy’s advice! LW, listen to her!!
DW linked a terrific article last Friday – Fifteen ways to stay married fifteen years, by Lydia Netzer, and number 11 was
“Do not put yourself in trouble’s way.
…Any friendship that troubles the marriage should be over immediately. Protect it with knives and teeth, not because it’s fragile but because it’s precious. Don’t ass around with a “hall pass” or a “harmless flirtation.” Adultery isn’t an event, it’s a process with an event at the end. Don’t put your feet on a path that could lead someplace bad.”
Which is so friggin’ well said. I think if you’re hanging out regularly with a person who attracts you, and there’s a funny or off or heightened sense involved, then it’s just not a good idea, and it’s disrespectful to boot.
Wendy was spot on, Im not sure what else I could add. You have every right to have a problem with this “friendship” and every right to confront him about your feelings. Closure means just that, closing off the relationship and your feelings. And he claims he no longer wants her as a friend yet he has been a shoulder to cry on for her while she’s going through her divorce? Its clear what Amber is getting from hanging out with your fiancee. She likes attention, she wants to feel wanted, she wants to feel the power of having the “upper hand” in her realtionships with men. Your fiancee probably still does have feelings for this woman (doesn’t mean he wants to act on them) but she does have a hold over him. She uses that. To meet up with him and throw a pity party about her life and get the self esteem boost from a guy she knows likes her. “No Amber, you are talented and smart and beautiful, you’ll be fine. You can have any guy you want”. See where this is going….
You need to talk to him. HE needs to get to the bottom of his feelings. Why is he continuing to see her? What is driving him to do this even though he knows it has a negative impact on your relationship? Why is he allowing himself to be manipulated by this woman? Why is he so desperately hanging on to a “friendship” with someone who he thinks would be rude to the woman he is going to make his wife??!!!
I repeat, you are NOT crazy and you are NOT being “that girl”.
You’ve got to ask yourself why he is so attached to someone he was supposedly never romantically involved with. If you can’t leave your past behind you then you’ll never move forward.
I think the fiance needs to grow a backbone. This other woman has known about his feelings for a long time, so she turns to him whenever she’s going through a hard time because she knows he won’t judge her, but support her, at least emotionally. I agree with the other posters and Wendy, you’re completely in the right here. You should meet her. So what if she says something mean? LW, you know it’s coming, you’re an adult, you can deal with it. This also speaks of her immaturity – why would she be mean to the fiancee of the guy she only has platonic feelings for?
I would understand if she was part of the group of friends, and you guys couldn’t avoid her. But for him to go meet her one-on-one behind your back and not mention it to you, that’s not ok. He shouldn’t be keeping friends like this. Apparently his taste in women is great (your letter, LW, is very mature); he needs to work on picking his friends a bit better.
I totally understand why your boyfriend doesn’t want you to meet Amber. How incredibly awkward would it be for him to act inappropriately with her while you are sitting right there? And you know what tells you it is inappropriate? You can’t be part of it. Having a female friend is fine – but the rule is whatever you do with her or say to her should be things you can do and say if your fiancee was sitting there. If you aren’t allowed there – there is a reason. And it’s not the lame one he gave.
Where is your line in the sand LW? He can continue to have an inappropriate relationship with this women all the while knowing it hurts you? Is an emotional affair okay? Is sleeping with her okay? Because this is the path he is on. Everyone always comes down on ultimatums but personally I have no problem with them. Life is about choices and consequences. Draw your line in the sand or be prepared to share your fiance.
Yikes, what Wendy said. I’m cool with my SO having female friends, even one that he used to date. But he’s gone out of his way to make me comfortable with it, by inviting me along every time they hang out, telling me when they talk (in small conversations about our day, like Wendy dicussed). What you are dealing with is far different from that. I would be extremely uncomfortable and would have a very hard time trusting this guy. Shady. You need to tell him this is not acceptable. If his friend would talk shit about you that’s not a friend he should have, guy or girl. And the closure thing? Laughable. I hope you deal with this stat.\
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Wendy – I wish there was a thumbs up for your advice. This i have NOTHING to add to. Totally spot on. I wish I could just like it and let my opinion be known that way.
Been there and done this, without the fiance title. I, too, was frustrated that an ex wouldn’t introduce me to any of her guy friends. To make a long story short, I was never comfortable with knowing she would get phonecalls all the time from her guy friends that I never met. I just wanted us to hang out as a group and not be the best of friends. They are her friends not mine, so I expected that some of us may not hem and haw together. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her, I ultimately didn’t trust them. Especially when my ex mentioned that a couple of the guys had a thing for her in the past and not too distant past either.
Never give your finance an ultimatum, unless you know that he’s falling for her physically and/or emotionally. Otherwise, you set yourself up to be the “crazy woman.” Some relationships have friends that they don’t want their SO to meet, but I’m always under the assumption that if you don’t want me to meet this person; there must be an underlying issue that hasn’t been addressed.
Amber’s situation also sounds a bit drama filled. That can easily wear on your relationship if your fiance keeps in contact with her. You can voice how you feel about the communication that the two of them have, and if he doesn’t turn it down to a volume you are comfortable with, it’s on you to decide if you want to continue being in his life long-term.
Some friendships are toxic to couples, and it’s best to stay far away from those friendships.
I would be so hurt if my significant other met a woman from his past, that he admitted he had feelings for, behind my back. Your fiance shouldn’t meet with ANY woman for drinks without telling you, especially not one that he used to be (probably still is) attracted to. My gut feeling is that there is something going on here that shouldn’t be. Oh, and I agree with Wendy that most couples tell each other more than enough detail about their day to day life. My boyfriend and I are long distance and he knows every stupid detail of my day, including the crazy people I sat next to on the metro and what I ate for lunch. Him saying that he “forgot” to tell you is such a cop out.
Yeah, listen to the people here who are telling you that this isn’t normal.
1.) Scott is continuing to get together with Amber, who he only met up in the first place for closure? That’s not closure, that’s reconnecting, which isn’t necessarily bad, except for the fact that he’s actively keeping you apart (NOT NORMAL).
2.) He says he doesn’t want you to meet because he’s afraid she’ll be mean to you (NOT NORMAL). Some people have questioned why he would even be friends with someone like that. Some have called bullshit on the whole thing. Here’s the thing, LW: it’s one of the two (and neither is good). Either he’s choosing to continue a friendship with someone who he knows is such a nasty bitch that she would insult the woman he loves, or he’s making that fact up to cover up something that’s presumably worse (NOT NORMAL).
3.) Oh, and by the way, she’s the type of person to sleep with married men (NOT NORMAL).
This is unpleasant, but I’ve seen situations like this in the past, and they never ended well. Almost every time, the worst was true.
I’m not going to say it’s time to MOA, and I’m not going to say something is definitely going on. But at best, he’s putting his friendship with a woman of questionable character above the feelings of the woman he plans to marry, and that’s a pretty shitty best-case-scenario.
Get tested.
Just to think about this from the other side for a minute. You might want to talk to him about why he’s doing this. Is there something bothering him in his relationship with the LW?
If he is seeking this attention out, maybe he feels he is missing something. It doesn’t make it any less troublesome. But just dumping on him and telling him he needs to change probably won’t help unless there is some knowledge for why he is doing this.
Not to go straight to fear mongering, but one of the biggest red flags I completely ignored (stupid mistake) with my ex-fiancé is that I was never introduced to any of his friends. There was always some excuse, “We spend so little time together, just me and you. Why would I want to see all those other people when I can just be with you!?” bla bla bla bla bla yappity yap yap yap… In reality, it would have really messed things up with his girlfriend if he brought his fiancé around.
Get to the bottom of this relationship (whatever type of relationship that may be) and nip it in the bud NOW. If you want to have a prayer at saving your relationship, DO NOT WAIT or be passive about this. You should never be embarrassed about an emotional reaction you have to a situation. It’s your best gague – USE those feelings and force him to buck up. And if he doesn’t put you first? Well, you’ve got more problems than just “Amber”.
I want to give a thumbs up to every comment on here, and to Wendy’s advice, too.
This sounds remarkably like my ex. I think I drafted a letter to Wendy almost identical to this but never sent it because I dumped him first. Except he was 21 and a complete child. This man is in his thirties and should presumably know better.
LW, I don’t want to say you should MOA just yet, but this is a big test for your relationship with your fiance. Tell him how much this friendship bothers you and why. Explain that his actions and choices are jeopardizing your trust in him, and that is unacceptable if he truly wishes to marry you. I’m sure revisiting this friendship is very exciting for him. I will not argue that he has acted inappropriately towards you regarding this woman, but men are sometimes (often?) a little dense, as everyone can be at some point or another. If you spell out just why you are so put off by this friendship, you are doing your part to restore communication and trust. His reaction is what should tell you how to proceed. If he can understand that he’s been acting suspicious and hurtful, as well as why his actions caused so much anxiety for you, then perhaps he just caught up in the excitement of rekindling this long-lost friendship and wasn’t thinking things through. Of course that doesn’t make how he’s been acting excusable, but still, I’d be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt there. However, if he comes up with excuses or tries to turn this on you in any way, then that shows you where his priorities really are and that is unacceptable. I hope this works out for you.
Ugh, now I’m seriously considering sending this column to my former BF, but that’s a little bit too passive aggressive.. Right?
I am a big believer in the old adage, “secrets don’t make friends,” in your case fiancees. He’s up to something shady. Go with your gut and talk about it.
Wendy’s advice is spot on, as always. Personally I think the LW needs to MOA.
You aren’t crazy, you mistrust him and her for good reasons. Reading your letter reminded me of a really dark place in my life. As someone who has cheated (not my finest hour) and also been cheated on (karma works) my first thought as I read this one was “been there, done that, got the STD tests to prove it”. All of the things that your fiance is telling about “Amber” are the same things I would tell my ex about the “friend” I was spending so much time with.
From my experience I think that if he hasn’t already cheated physically, which is highly unlikely, at the very least he has cheated on you emotionally…and you know that, otherwise you wouldn’t have written to Wendy. Advice is only part of the battle, now it’s up to you, because only you can decide if that is a deal breaker for you or not.
P.S. Nope not the only one that thought of that case. I used to live in the area where he was from and arrested.
When someone makes you feel crazy about your fears, especially when they’re not irrational in the case of this LW, then the relationship needs to be examined in a big way. It’s such a cruel thing to do, and such a subtle form of manipulation that can lead to such huge, long-term heartbreak.
LW, if you’re boyfriend won’t let you meet this woman and continues to see her and tell you after the fact, consider moving on – or at least postponing the wedding.
Everybody is sure suspicious of the boyfriend. But honestly, for the life of me, I can’t figure out why he ever would have mentioned any of this to his girlfriend if there was actually something going on. If he was going to carry on this illicit affair as so many of you have suggested — why spill the beans then? No, I simply don’t see any logic to it at all..
Couple of reasons why he may have mentioned her: 1. He’s so Hung up on Amber he wanted to say her name out loud, 2. He is testing out LWs reaction to see how much he may or may not be able to get away with, 3. He knows if Amber gives him an opening he will jump on it and leave LW in the dust, so he’s laying some ground work (” I didn’t mean to fall in love with her but you know how I mentioned I was seeing her every once in awhile, and well it just happened….”).
Eh, all of those are trumped by the sheer fact that had he just shut up about it, he could easily have had his cake and eaten it, too. Because of that, I simply don’t believe that he is having any of that other cake.
I actually, take this letter at face value. I think he is probably just friends with her because she is bizarre and dramatic. He knows that she would be a complete and total bitch to his girlfriend, and so wants to keep them apart. Sometimes, it really can be THAT simple. PS — Even if he IS interested in this other girl, she CLEARLY isn’t interested in him…
I can understand where you’re coming from, but it is just as presumptuous to say that the friend is not into him at all, because we don’t have any of her story that has been seen in person. That whole side of the story is blocked to us, and LW can only tell us what he fiance is telling her. So there really is no way for us to clearly tell from this letter because the LW cannot meet her!
Maybe. But to me, if she was so interested in him, for starters, she wouldn’t be married to one guy AND sleeping with another… Hey, that’s not one, but two guys she is banging instead of him. So yeah, I simply doubt very much that she is into him at all. A fact that would probably be borne out by the fact that she is a 10 and he is lowly 5 or 6. He likes to bask in the thrall of her beauty… She, meanwhile, enjoys being admired, but in the end really just craves the hands-off attention…
On that I’m quite sure you are correct. He is very into his friend and would dump LW in an instant to be with her, but his long friendship/emotional relationship with his friend has never become physical, because she isn’t into him. He might not like her much if they actually got together. She is in the fantasy realm, where he is fixated on his first impressions of her and has blocked out all the negaitves he has since learned from the erotic zone of his brain. LW is his favorite woman among those he can have. The friend is his absolute crush and life’s desire.
Sometimes (most of the time I would think) people don’t know they are about to be in an illicit affair, its not often planned out from the beginning. I think you’re giving the bf too much credit in the scheming department.
Yeah. Totally. Those schemes are hopelessly implausible…
I had an ex who cheated on me with another woman. He would talk about her, mention seeing her at work, etc. I think he was trying to put me at ease to their hanging out so that he could get away with more.
Good thing I’m not stupid and figured it out pretty quickly and dumped his ass.
LW, neither one of you should have a friend that the other is not allowed to just meet. That is a Big Red Flag. Whether he has feelings for her or not, just the fact that you’re not allowed to meet her is bizarre. Tell him you want to meet her because its been bugging you but you want to put it behind you now and so you need to see her just once to have closure.
Such a red flag indeed and your man needs a wake up call. A legitimate fear for you may be that if you lay down the smack down on this little friendship of his with “Amber” then he’ll be mad or even choose to leave you over it…. let him go then!
Seriously this woman is bad news for your man and your relationship. He knows it or he wouldn’t tuck her away in some other area of his life that excludes you. I totally applaud you for being so trusting and understanding–you sound like precisely the kind of person who IS ready for marriage and who doesn’t jump to conclusion. But keep in mind, emotional affairs are JUST as bad as physical ones.
Maybe your fiancé just needs a swift kick in the pants to realize he is living in the past with an attention hound who could potentially ruin his awesome relationship. If he doesn’t see that, he’s undeserving of your love.
…and I would never allow my husband to be friends with someone I “couldn’t” meet. And yes, I said “allow.” LOL
Awesome advice column, Wendy. Possibly the best one I have read here. Right. On. The Money.
And.. perhaps I should just leave it at that, but I can’t resist adding my own personal element here.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve been that guy. I’ve been the guy longing for the “one that got away,” and not facing up to it or admitting it. Concerned Fiancée, he wants her. He wants her bad. She makes him go all gooey and warm inside and he just can’t help it. Of course, she’s not that interested in return, she’s probably stringing him along and is only doing it for the kicks.
She ain’t going to screw him…. or if she does, she will make him work hard for it. But Wendy is dead on target with one thing: the reason he doesn’t want you there is because you’ll see the chemistry. It will be obvious.
One more item. A neighbor down the street went to his high school reunion without his wife. Came home on Sunday night and told her he had hooked up with his high school girlfriend that he had always loved and was gone by Monday. Left a wife and two teenagers behind. I just read that old high school romances that broke up and then hooked up later have an 85% success rate in marriage. There is something about those feelings. Thank goodness my husband and I did not have that issue but I have married friends who still yearn for the hs boy that got away.
WTF did I just read?
Amber is a narcissist who thrives on male attention and gets off on destroying relationships. She’s trying to break you up. And if she succeeds, she’s not going to stay with your fiance. She’s going to get bored with him and dump him for the next unfortunate soul. Then your fiancé will come back begging for you to take him back. Don’t be the settled for chick. Dump this dude.
This man is not ready for marriage. He wasn’t even ready to get engaged. People who have truly moved on, especially decades after a high school crush, don’t need closure. He wasn’t looking for closure, he was looking to test the waters to see if there was still a chance and apparently she’s now stringing him along to keep meeting up with him. He’s still hoping there’s a chance. I hate to say it, but the LW is the second choice. This shady behavior from him should be a relationship-ender. Value yourself enough to not allow anyone to walk all over you.