“My Girlfriend Spends Way Too Much Time with Her Family”
Every Monday her parents come over for supper and I think that’s wonderful, so that’s not the issue. The issue is her need to eat with them another 2-3+ nights per week. Also, her mom comes over every night to tuck in her granddaughter, and they talk all the time. On the weekend, I know my girlfriend is awake because she instantly FaceTimes her mother from bed, then her cousin. Rinse repeat every weekend.
If I don’t go to family things, they grill her and she hates that I don’t go to everything. Then, if her family has questions about me and my life, they won’t ask me, they ask her. I’m 32 years old, I’ve spent thirteen years in the military and I’ve moved across the country twice, with many more regional moves. I’m close to my parents, but I don’t feel nearly as close to mine as she does to hers.
If I ask her about why she’s so involved with them, she tells me that, when her husband left her, she relied on them and this became normal. I have not asked her to change anything other than to ask her mom not to come by at night. She would come over and sit down for several hours but do nothing to help. It was very uncomfortable for me because I can’t unwind with my girlfriend’s mother over my shoulder every night.
Am I letting this get to me or is there really a problem? — Confused in Connecticut
I think the biggest problem here is that you moved in with a woman whose lifestyle was wasn’t a fit for you. And knowing she had a daughter, you both should have been extra cautious about taking such a big step like moving in together. That you made that step before you felt confident in your lifestyles being a match is a big red flag. You’ve both been married before — why would you take such a big step in a relationship without being fully ready? THAT, more than your girlfriend’s relationship with her family, is the biggest issue here.
But, yes, your girlfriend’s relationship with her family is an issue, too, because it’s interfering with your relationship and family life. Your girlfriend is being rude by not respecting your privacy and your time together. And you’re enabling her as long as you don’t “ask her to change anything other than to ask her mom not to come by at night.” So, you expressed your concern about that, your girlfriend talked to her mom, and now her mom no longer spends hours at your place every evening sitting on your couch not helping out, right? That’s great — sounds like communicating with your girlfriend works! So… why don’t you communicate about the rest of your concerns? Tell her you feel disrespected when she Facetimes her mother and cousin every weekend morning from bed (with you right next to her, I’m assuming?). Maybe you could ask her to wait until you’re out of bed/in the shower/at the gym, etc. Maybe she could excuse herself to another room or switch to a quick phone call where you don’t have to be included. If you would like her to spend less time eating dinners with her family, suggest she cut back to the Monday family supper you all enjoy together and maybe one additional dinner without you (and then you could use that time to do something you enjoy on your own).
What you’ve described doesn’t sound that wild. Is it different from what you — and a lot of other people — are used to? Yes. Is it different from what you want? Yes, obviously. But it also doesn’t sound like anyone is refusing you and your needs. The one time you expressed a concern, it was validated, and behavior was changed. So, continue expressing your concerns and work on compromise with your girlfriend. And in the future, make sure you know what you’re getting into before you make another big step forward in a relationship!
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What Wendy said. This is who she is. I think you realize that you can’t ask her to stop seeing them as much without her resenting you, and it sounds like you’re not willing for this to be your life. You shouldn’t have moved in with someone who you’re this incompatible with.
Yes, WWS. And so awful for you to try and change her family dynamics now that you live with her, especially since you probably met her and she was like that already.
I hate to pile on, but this is exactly why people tell you to wait till you really know someone before you move in with them. You moved in with her before you fully understood her relationship with her family. That dynamic was set long before you met her, and it’s not going to change much, if at all, because you came along.
I know that’s hindsight, and doesn’t help you much with your current problem. There’s really no easy solution. You can talk it out with her and see where you can both compromise, but if she won’t, you’re down to two choices. 1) Decide the relationship is worth the annoyance of dealing with her family, or 2) Decide that it’s not, and move on.
Who cares if you aren’t close to your family? She is close to hers. And when times were rough for her, they stepped up. How lovely her grandmother tucks her in every night. How lovely she had support if your job takes you away. Instead of being happy for her, you want her to do things your way. Too bad. You found her like this. She compromised on the mom not coming over for hours. She can compromise on taking calls away from you. Figure out what you are going to compromise on because nothing in her dynamic is off. And not for anything, why wouldn’t they ask her instead of you? You think they haven’t figured out how you feel about them?
You asked if this was really a problem. I think the problem is you. Accept it or leave her be.
Great response. What happens for her and her child if she pushes her them away and then you leave?
I think Wendy gave great advice but I think there’s a nuance of this relationship that she missed.
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For military folks *, the whole idea of being so reliant on Mom & Dad is a foreign concept. The military is all about learning to operate as a fully independent adult without parental interference. Her family’s involvement is always going to bother him. If they get married and move away, her dependence on her parents is going to get worse because she isn’t used to coping hardships/unhappiness on her own.
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LW, try this…think about this relationship in 5 years. If things are exactly the same with her parents’ involvement, how does that make you feel? Are you OK with it? Or do you see yourself, angry or tired from the struggle? If it’s the latter, (which I think it is), then you should probably move on from this relationship.
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I’m sure she’s a wonderful young woman but she’s not the wonderful young woman for you.
*I’m a veteran
I would tread really carefully. Her family will undoubtedly know why their daughter is limiting time with them. In their minds they might think you’re trying to isolate her, even though that’s not your truth. Communication is key, and she has to want the same thing as you, more couple time. If she doesn’t want to change the status quo, you have to decide if you can live with this dynamic.
I think it’s pretty clear that this relationship came out of the dynamic of her being a single mom, so I wouldn’t say it was weird, overall, so much as you personally feeling like because the situation has changed (you are now there), the dynamic should too.
1. I think it’s perfectly valid that you didn’t want her mother over there for hours just hanging out. And I actually think it’s valid that you’re a little aggrieved that adding another person didn’t strike anyone as a reason to reassess norms.
2. It’s absolutely weird to grill someone because their SO doesn’t come to all family stuff . But if your gf is pressuring you too then this should be a sign that you may not be compatible. It’s not surprising that they address her for your personal business, you’ve probably made it clear that you’re not going to be open with them. If you have a problem with what she tells them, you need to talk to your girlfriend about what you want shared.
3. It’s cute as fuck that grandma comes over to tuck her granddaughter in. If you want to change that situation, you need to understand that you are changing things not just for your girlfriend or her mother, but also for her daughter.
4. If you want to spend more time with your gf at dinner, instead of telling her she shouldn’t like her parents so much (which is going to go over well with no one), tell her that you’d like to spend X amount of time with her at dinner.
5. If you guys are serious, and honestly, if you’re living with her daughter you should be, is your military commission of the sort that means there is a possibility for short notice moves? If so, does your gf know that? If no, tell her immediately, because I’m guessing that might be a dealbreaker for her.
Like, it’s obviously not going to be the case that you’re going to get your gf to have a relationship with her parents in exactly the way that makes you comfortable. So you need to figure out what about it is clashing against your needs, and talk to your gf about those rather than how you view her relationship with her parents, which, if no harm is occurring, is none of your concern.
Your girlfriend has a close relationship with her family. Good for her. Maybe you should be happy for her and embrace it. If you can’t do that you’re probably not the man for her.
I hear you asking her for compromise, but what are you willing to offer? You’ve asked her to change once, and she did. I think you need to ask her “how can I love you better” and be willing to change based on what she asks for from you before you make her change her family dynamic again.
Hey everyone. Thanks for the constructive criticism. It should be noted that, in the time leading up to me moving in, I wasn’t made aware of her mothers strange behavior. I never saw it. I addressed it with my girlfriend and let it go, at the advice of many of you.
Two instances have occurred since then, both of which the rest of the family found out about and were floored. We took a trip to Boston with her daughter and her cousins family. Her mother put her through a guilt trip and was crying hysterically because my girlfriend didn’t invite her. She was miserable the entire trip. The second occurrence happened one night when we were getting ready for bed. I had changed clothes and was having a glass of wine before bed and she was reading to Zoey in bed. All of a sudden I hear this noise and the front door flies open and her mom comes barging in the house unannounced and didn’t ask my girlfriend ahead of time. She marches right into the bedroom and starts playing with her granddaughter, which just wakes her up and we had a hard time getting her to sleep after that.
When the rest of the family found out (I didn’t say anything because I didn’t feel like it was my place to tell everyone) they told my girlfriend that she can’t allow that kind of behavior. They didn’t really “pile on” but they made it a point that she can’t allow this kind of behavior.
Hello, I understand your predicament and I don’t think it’s right how some people have bashed you…. you need to be able to express your concerns as well. I don’t live with my girlfriend but I am pretty much in the same situation. I only live a block away from my girlfriend but she lives with her mother. She is almost 40 years old and has lived with her mother for several years. She literally does every single thing in that household, she does not have kids but I am lucky to get one or two dinners a week with her, which she is usually late for because she’s doing stuff for her mother. Every other night she’s eating with her mom and comes over just about time for bed every night. I am a single father of two children that are teenagers and I have full custody of them. I would love nothing more than to move in with my girlfriend and have her be more of an influence in my children’s lives. We have been dating for 3 years now and have had many disagreements over her mother’s involvement in our relationship… I love her and I cannot imagine my life without her. I just don’t know if it will ever become anything more because she refuses to step down from any of the roles she is playing for her mother. There doesn’t seem to be a good solution because as you can see most people side with her and her relationship with her mother. My kids will be grown in 5 years so her time to help raise them is quickly coming to an end. She says, she looks at it like her mother is not going to live forever so she needs to spend as much time with her as possible. I have no leg to stand on in this argument. It just is what it is so ultimately I’m not sure what to tell you about it. I’m not sure what to do about my situation either. We have broken up a few times but we have always gotten back together because we cannot seem to live without each other but the problem Still Remains…. the only thing I can tell you is that if you love her it’s just something you have to deal with. You could move on and find someone else and they may not have the same issue… but is that issue going to be any better??? That is the question you need to answer.. for me, I have answered that question and all I can do is hope that one day it will not be like this and we will have a life of Our Own…. unfortunately that maybe 20 years from now…..
Tread very carefully. This is a dynamic that you’re not accustomed to and are actively uncomfortable with. While this is clearly unhealthy she’s not going to want to go down to the lack of visits that you would prefer. Especially considering her past, you only having recently moved into her place, you aren’t married, and the fact that the military may make you move again. She seems like the type that wants a lot of active support. Her family is her safety blanket in case your relationship with her doesn’t work. You probably need to show her that when you’re around she doesn’t need all that contact and support with/from her family. But it can’t be a “hey this is all unhealthy and your mom is crazy.” It needs to be “we need to figure out how to set healthy boundaries with her, maybe we should go to therapy together” that is, if you’re in this for the long haul and can genuinely accept more family involvement than you’re accustomed to. If even once a week is too much for you or she’s not willing to lower her family contact than the level it’s currently at, you’re not a good match, it’s not even worth trying. And you should look at it as a blessing that you found out before tying the knot. This is exactly why you move in before marriage – to figure out if you’re compatible or not. If not compatible well now you can separate without a divorce attorney. Moving in together breaks up couples all the time because it’s hard to live with another person. It is what it is. Moving out sooner will save heartache in the long run.
Locks are your friend. If MIL has a key, then a chain lock you use when at home alone is a bigger friend. Your wife needs to handle her relationship with her mother and any necessary boundaries. You can’t do that, so good that you didn’t.
Locks are very much needed!
For all the critics…reverse the dynamics. The boyfriend’s mother comes over every night to tuck in his child…the boyfriend’s parents visit 3 times a week, etc. Comments would be very different.
This is crazy. Nothings come in between me and my family. If a partner doesn’t understand how close a person is to their family they can hit the road. This sounds very selfish. Sorry to be so harsh.
Just give up and leave her. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable when a friend’s family is around all the time. Her family doesn’t respect your privacy and probably will never like you, no matter how hard you try. If she always has time and makes plans for her family, but no time for friends. She don’t deserve to be in a relationship.
This guy needs to put in for a transfer and leave this situation behind. They are clearly not compatible.
It’s not “cute” that grandma comes over every night to tuck in the granddaughter. It’s intrusive! Wendy is right, you moved in too quickly before fully understanding this weird dynamic between mom and daughter, although how you didn’t see the red flags is odd. If she doesn’t want to change it, which is her right, then you need to MOA. Even if she does, grandma isn’t going to go quietly based on your update. Do you really want to deal with the drama?
This dude is a divorced dad ‘without custody’. AKA loser father. No chance he cares what’s best for this woman’s kid. Oh so now he wants to play daddy and set household rules? Uh huh… right up until he gets stationed somewhere else. Moving in together was a huge mistake- for both of them. Neither of them are mature enough for this.
I’m particularly concerned about the grilling when he doesn’t always go to family things. That’s really unpleasant for the girlfriend. Not that that means you need to have to go to everything. It’s a good chance for you to do your own thing ie gym, sport, catch up with mates, chill etc
Confused in CT: It sounds like your gf’s primary relationship is with her mother, not with you.
Assuming this is a fairly new relationship for you as a couple, how long do you think you should wait until you become her main relationship focus?
Months? Years?
Could you tolerate living like this if nothing changes?
I think you and your gf need to either have some very long conversations about this, or else see a couples counselor.
LW: The follow up details in your comment were REALLY helpful.
In general, I would say that essentially raising your kids with your extended family will of course (hopefully) result in a close, warm relationship. It’s hard to overestimate the kind of bond and loyalty this can create.
However, the details you added sound like it has crossed into enmeshed territory. Her mom may also be intentionally manipulative, but I don’t want to assume. Her distress could be real.
If you really feel like she is the one for you, start doing the work along with her. Get into couples therapy right away.
If you’re not ready to sign in for the long haul, get out before all three of you get even more hurt. And…tell her why.
We’d all love an update!