Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Husband Asked My Sister to Show Him Her Boobs”

About a year ago my husband, through text, said he would do a favor for my sister if she did one in return. Then he texted her and said his deed was done so it was her turn to hold up her end of the bargain. I confronted him and asked what exactly his deed was and what she was supposed to do in return. Apparently, he said he would set her ex up with someone and in return she would send him a picture of her boobs.
My sister says she would never send a pic of her boobs and yet there are texts from her to him saying, “Why would you ever tell her that – are you stupid?”, and “You should have lied.” He says he was just talking to her a lot about our relationship issues (which I didn’t know we had) and it was all a joke. Needless to say, I no longer have a relationship with my sister and am struggling daily in my marriage. We have been married for almost 18 years and we have three small children. I cannot get past what happened and I have a wall up keeping my husband out. I don’t want him to touch me at all. I have no trust anymore. I constantly catch him in small harmless lies that just continue to keep me from ever trusting him again, and every time I turn around he is talking to neighbors and friends about our relationship problems — how I won’t let him touch me, but he continues to leave out the reason why.

In addition to his constantly talking behind my back, he is drinking nonstop. He is a good person and hard worker, but I feel like he only gives me attention when he wants sex. Every day or every other day he wants to have long drawn-out talks of why it’s not working anymore, and then says he understands while the next day he acts completely different. It’s like a rollercoaster ride, and I’m tired of riding. I don’t know what to do anymore, and I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. I don’t know how or if I can ever get over the past. I just feel like I have some serious issues wrong with me. — Tired of the Rollercoaster

I don’t understand why you ended your relationship with your sister — who actually didn’t do anything beyond ask your dumb husband why he’d tell you he asked her to send pictures of her boobs — but kept your relationship with your lying, drunk, loser of a husband? Did you even talk with your sister about the “deal” she supposedly had with your husband? I suspect she never intended to send pictures of her boobs to your husband and only let him believe she might to shut him up and make him stop asking. Imagine how she must feel now if that’s the case. Her BIL harangues her for pictures of her boobs (!!) and finally she says something along the lines of, “Okay, okay, whatever, just please stop asking!” And then he sets up her ex with someone and says, “Ok, I took care of my end of the bargain, so now show me your tits,” and she ignores him and, the next thing she knows, her sister isn’t talking to her anymore.

Dump your idiot husband who’s blabbing to everyone in the neighborhood about your personal affairs, apologize to your sister, and get yourself to therapy. None of this is OK or normal.

I’m not sure if I’m having a mid-life crisis or just got fed up with a bad marriage!!! I was very faithful to my husband for 16 years even though we lived separate lives!!! We lived in a huge, two-story home that had two separate apartments. He lived on the bottom floor and I was on the top!!! However, I still remained faithful to him because I did care for him and I don’t need a man 24/7 to make me happy — I’m a pretty independent woman!!!! This being said, I was still lonely and craved adult conversation more than sex; I can service myself if I need to!!!! This went on for years until a few years ago when I met a nice man and we had an instant connection — he made me laugh and we talked constantly and, of course, that led to a sexual affair eventually (although we did not have sex until eight months after meeting)!!! I fell madly in love with him (or so I thought, but maybe he was my communication vice)!!!! I am not perfect by any means and now here it is two years later and I’m still with my husband and I have my boyfriend, too, plus I’ve got a few friends with benefits. I’ve always been a good person, but I think I’ve gone over the deep end!!! Am I experiencing a mid-life crisis? Or was I always a slut and it just came out? Thank you for any advice you may offer!!! — Fed-Up or in a Mid-Life Crisis?

 
What difference does labeling your behavior make? Does a mid-life crisis justify your cheating in a way simply being a “slut” doesn’t? Or, maybe you think it’s the other way around and labeling yourself a slut is somehow better than labeling yourself in a mid-life crisis? Regardless what you call it, it’s clear your marriage has been over for a very long time. If you need to alleviate your guilt or whatever, tell your husband you’ve been cheating on him and ask if he’d prefer continuing your marriage of convenience since you’ve had separate lives for years and years anyway, or if he’d like to make your separation official and get a divorce.

As for your boyfriend, do you feel the desire to be monogamous with him? Or do you now feel that your needs are being met and as long as you’re relieved of your guilt, you’re content continuing to sleep with multiple men? It doesn’t have to be a “crisis” if there’s no conflict, but since it sounds like there IS some conflict, you have to figure out what exactly that conflict is. I’m not sure from reading your letter if the conflict is just guilt or if you feel lonely or if you’re using sex to fill a void. And if it’s the latter, you have to figure out if the void comes from your lonely marriage or from a lack of meaningful friendships or from not meeting your potential or what. I mean, you can wrap all these things up and call it a mid-life crisis, sure, but that doesn’t excuse you from making bad decisions or neglecting to take personal responsibility for the consequences of those decisions.

***************
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

22 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Miss MJ December 17, 2019, 10:05 am

    WTF, LW1?!? Get a lawyer to settle child support and custody issues, get a divorce and go see a therapist to understand what makes you think that staying with a drunken scumbag who hits on your sister is even an option.

    LW2: Either officially open your marriage or get a divorce. This should be obvious to you.

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  • avatar

    George Fayne December 17, 2019, 11:45 am

    Re: LW1: I actually assumed when I read the letter that the sister DID send the pic of her boobs. The sister later sent texts to the husband saying “Why would you ever tell her that – are you stupid?” and “You should have lied,” which sounds to me like they were collaborating.

    If that’s the case it makes sense to dump the sister, but I agree that dumping the husband is also the right move. There’s no trust here, you’re not happy, you don’t want him to touch you, he’s drinking a ton and spreading gossip about your family around town — why stay? This doesn’t sound repairable, or like he even wants to repair it.

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  • avatar

    FYI December 17, 2019, 12:48 pm

    Not sure where Wendy is getting the idea that the sister did not participate. That’s not how it seemed to me at all. The “You should have lied” comment sounds like something happened.

    Divorce, ASAP. His behavior is gross.

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    • avatar

      Kate December 17, 2019, 2:11 pm

      “You should have lied” probably just means, “you idiot, why would you tell your wife you asked for a boob pic? Now we’re both in trouble, and I didn’t even do anything.”

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  • avatar

    Fyodor December 17, 2019, 2:10 pm

    “My sister says she would never send a pic of her boobs and yet there are texts from her to him saying, “Why would you ever tell her that – are you stupid?”, and “You should have lied.””

    It sounds to me like the sister was in on this.

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    • avatar

      Kate December 17, 2019, 2:18 pm

      Where’s the picture of her boobs then? If she sent it, wouldn’t it be in with the other texts? I think the sister was just telling the husband he’s stupid for telling his wife about this dumb stuff.

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      • avatar

        George Fayne December 17, 2019, 2:20 pm

        Perhaps he deleted the boob shot. Perhaps he saved the pic to his phone and deleted the message. There are lots of reasons the wife might not have seen it. The other messages from the sister are hinky if she didn’t actually send one, if you ask me.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse December 17, 2019, 3:26 pm

      I can delete single texts.

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      • avatar

        Kate December 17, 2019, 3:59 pm

        Wouldn’t you just delete the whole convo though?

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      • avatar

        anonymousse December 17, 2019, 6:10 pm

        Yeah, you have a point but he’s a raging drunk. IDK.

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    • avatar

      Fyodor December 18, 2019, 7:01 am

      It strikes me as plausible that he thought that the boob shot on its own was incriminating in a way that the other dialogue wasn’t. We obviously don’t have the whole story, but she doesn’t say “I never sent you pictures of my boobs” or “tell her that it didn’t happen” She says “you should have lied”

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      • avatar

        Kate December 18, 2019, 7:21 am

        Yeah, I still don’t think that’s conclusive at all. It’s just as likely, or more so, that sis never sent him any pic, and she meant “you’re an idiot for telling your wife you asked her sister for a boob pic, way to blow up your already struggling marriage, jackass.”

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy December 18, 2019, 8:51 am

        That’s definitely how I read it.

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      • avatar

        Allornone December 18, 2019, 10:01 am

        I”m inclined to read it that way as well. Though I suppose either could be the case.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse December 17, 2019, 3:29 pm

    The kids you have with his gross, drunken man will be so much better off when you leave him. Think of what kind of an example you’re setting by staying with a man who acts this way. He badmouths you, drinks excessively and hits on your sister and other women, I assume. Gross. You need to leave him and make sure they know that his behavior and the example he sets is not to be expected nor repeated by them at all. If you’re worried about child support, find a divorce lawyer. If you’re not, still find a lawyer.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse December 17, 2019, 3:30 pm

    *The example you’re letting him set*

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster December 17, 2019, 3:39 pm

    LW1: Uhh therapy.

    LW2: If you need to borrow a set of pliers to pry the exclamation mark key off your keyboard, I will happily loan you one.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse December 17, 2019, 6:10 pm

      LOL.

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    • avatar

      ArtsyGirl December 18, 2019, 8:04 am

      Preach about the excessive exclamation marks. The LW is at least in her mid-30s and there are more !!!!! than my 11 year old niece uses when she texts me

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      • avatar

        Sea Witch December 19, 2019, 9:13 pm

        I understand it’s possible to get an ointment for that.

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  • avatar

    ron December 17, 2019, 3:59 pm

    Dumping the sister and keeping the husband is certainly going to solve this problem — what stupid thinking, LW. Having read the post again, I’m not convinced the sister sent the pics. Her comments can be read in other ways, as in ‘you just destroyed your marriage, stupid.’

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  • avatar

    mellanthe January 17, 2020, 5:06 am

    LW1:
    Sister should not have agreed to show said boobs, should have been honest with her sister, and should not have told him to cover up what is by all means a weird and inappropriate situation. It could be that she never sent pics and told him it was stupid to sabotage the marriage, but it’s unclear.
    Husband should not have asked to see sister’s boobs, should not have lied about it, and should not be confiding in his wife’s sister about their marriage difficulties.
    It sounds like both acted inappropriately, LW did what she could to make marriage work, but it is floundering because he’s not a decent person. And if your partner is of the cheaty or creepy kind, cutting out all the women but keeping him won’t change that.

    LW2: talk to your husband. It’s not clear why you live separate lives. “I don’t need a man” – then why MARRY one? Why literally promise to be someone’s world if you have no intention of being it. Some people live apart, and that’s fine if it works for them, but then you admit you need companionship, and find yourself having plenty of sex (with a boyfriend AND friends with benefits), so it looks less like you ‘don’t need a man’ for your emotional and physical needs, and more like you were just never keen on the one you had. You should be honest with him – what kind of relationship is it if you live apart, have a boyfriend and lots of FWB? What intimacy remains with your husband? Open relationships are fine if all agree, but it sounds like you’re having your cake and eating it.

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