My sister says she would never send a pic of her boobs and yet there are texts from her to him saying, “Why would you ever tell her that – are you stupid?”, and “You should have lied.” He says he was just talking to her a lot about our relationship issues (which I didn’t know we had) and it was all a joke. Needless to say, I no longer have a relationship with my sister and am struggling daily in my marriage. We have been married for almost 18 years and we have three small children. I cannot get past what happened and I have a wall up keeping my husband out. I don’t want him to touch me at all. I have no trust anymore. I constantly catch him in small harmless lies that just continue to keep me from ever trusting him again, and every time I turn around he is talking to neighbors and friends about our relationship problems — how I won’t let him touch me, but he continues to leave out the reason why.
In addition to his constantly talking behind my back, he is drinking nonstop. He is a good person and hard worker, but I feel like he only gives me attention when he wants sex. Every day or every other day he wants to have long drawn-out talks of why it’s not working anymore, and then says he understands while the next day he acts completely different. It’s like a rollercoaster ride, and I’m tired of riding. I don’t know what to do anymore, and I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. I don’t know how or if I can ever get over the past. I just feel like I have some serious issues wrong with me. — Tired of the Rollercoaster
I don’t understand why you ended your relationship with your sister — who actually didn’t do anything beyond ask your dumb husband why he’d tell you he asked her to send pictures of her boobs — but kept your relationship with your lying, drunk, loser of a husband? Did you even talk with your sister about the “deal” she supposedly had with your husband? I suspect she never intended to send pictures of her boobs to your husband and only let him believe she might to shut him up and make him stop asking. Imagine how she must feel now if that’s the case. Her BIL harangues her for pictures of her boobs (!!) and finally she says something along the lines of, “Okay, okay, whatever, just please stop asking!” And then he sets up her ex with someone and says, “Ok, I took care of my end of the bargain, so now show me your tits,” and she ignores him and, the next thing she knows, her sister isn’t talking to her anymore.
Dump your idiot husband who’s blabbing to everyone in the neighborhood about your personal affairs, apologize to your sister, and get yourself to therapy. None of this is OK or normal.
What difference does labeling your behavior make? Does a mid-life crisis justify your cheating in a way simply being a “slut” doesn’t? Or, maybe you think it’s the other way around and labeling yourself a slut is somehow better than labeling yourself in a mid-life crisis? Regardless what you call it, it’s clear your marriage has been over for a very long time. If you need to alleviate your guilt or whatever, tell your husband you’ve been cheating on him and ask if he’d prefer continuing your marriage of convenience since you’ve had separate lives for years and years anyway, or if he’d like to make your separation official and get a divorce.
As for your boyfriend, do you feel the desire to be monogamous with him? Or do you now feel that your needs are being met and as long as you’re relieved of your guilt, you’re content continuing to sleep with multiple men? It doesn’t have to be a “crisis” if there’s no conflict, but since it sounds like there IS some conflict, you have to figure out what exactly that conflict is. I’m not sure from reading your letter if the conflict is just guilt or if you feel lonely or if you’re using sex to fill a void. And if it’s the latter, you have to figure out if the void comes from your lonely marriage or from a lack of meaningful friendships or from not meeting your potential or what. I mean, you can wrap all these things up and call it a mid-life crisis, sure, but that doesn’t excuse you from making bad decisions or neglecting to take personal responsibility for the consequences of those decisions.