“My Parents Give My Sister Thousands While I Get Nothing”
Now, in addition to their preexisting debts and expenses, they have large medical bills from their child’s birth that are in collections. My parents are certainly free to do whatever they want with their money. But I feel incredibly hurt that my sister is getting rewarded for her financial irresponsibility while my husband and I carefully budget and make sacrifices so that we can pay off our student loans, in the hopes of being able to afford to have a family of our own. My parents have also made pressuring comments about my husband and me having children, and I have told them that the reason we have to wait is because we can’t currently afford it.
I feel like I should address this with my parents, especially since when they re-did their wills two years ago they informed me that their assets will be equally divided between my sister and me, which doesn’t take into account the considerable financial gifts they have given to her while they are still alive.
Just because I manage my finances responsibly doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be incredibly helpful to receive some financial assistance every now and again, particularly since it would allow me and my husband to start a family much sooner than otherwise.
I don’t know how to bring this up in a way that won’t result in a huge fight or falling out with my parents (particularly with my mother, who has always favored my sister over me), since my parents have kept me in the dark about how much they are assisting my sister and have not expressed any intention to amend their wills to reflect a more equitable division of their assets.
At the end of the day, I don’t NEED money from my parents. My husband and I work hard and make sacrifices, and ultimately make ends meet more comfortably than most. But I feel like my parents care more about supporting my sister, financially and otherwise, than they care about supporting me. It’s no secret that they love her more than they love me, but giving her tens of thousands of dollars and cosigning a mortgage for her is such an overt display of love and support for her and her family, while I get nothing.
I’m just at a loss as to what to do or how to address this with my parents without making the situation worse, and I’m so hurt and upset right now that I’m worried I will snap at them over Thanksgiving dinner. Advice? — Hurt By Parents’ Generosity
First of all, do NOT snap at anyone at Thanksgiving. That won’t solve anything and it will just make the situation worse.
Basically, you’re very resentful that your parents are helping out your sister and they aren’t helping you, but it sounds like your sister has actually ASKED for help and you have not, right? I could certainly understand feeling resentful if you’d both asked for help and they denied you but gave freely to your sister. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. And it’s unfair of you to resent your parents for “denying” you something you didn’t ask for — or worse, resenting them for providing your sister with something she DID ask for.
It’s great that you are so responsible and have been carefully saving your money and putting off parenthood until you feel better able to afford a child. And it’s a shame that your sister and her husband haven’t shown the same level of responsibility and maturity. And maybe it seems to you that your parents have even enabled such irresponsibility, but put yourself in their shoes for a minute. They have a daughter they love very much who is asking for help, not just for her, but for her baby now, too. Can you appreciate how difficult it would be as a parent to say “no” not just to a daughter, but essentially to a grandchild, too?
Obviously, I don’t know the details of your family history or the dynamics at play. I have no idea why you think your parents favor your sister over you. But if this particular issue is indicative of a larger issue, then it really just seems to be about your sister receiving what you don’t feel comfortable asking for yourself and you equating that thing — financial assistance, in this case — with love, which is really unfair.
It’s also unfair to assume that all things are equal and that your parents are somehow required to share their assets equally with you and your sister once they die. Things are rarely equal and parents often have very good reasons — reasons that have nothing to do with favoring one child over another — for allotting a bigger share of their assets to one kid. These reasons could include, but are not limited to: wanting to help a child who has had an illness that has created enormous medical bills or made it difficult to work; wanting to give an unmarried/widowed offspring a little more financial security; passing along a little more to whoever has more children to care for; passing along a little more to the offspring(s) who have a greater financial need.
These reasons may not all be fair. Life isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that some people get sick or some people can’t have kids or some people lose spouses. It isn’t fair that some people work really hard all their lives and die penniless while others are born with silver spoons in their mouths and never know the meaning of a dollar earned.
I guess my point is that we get ourselves into a world of hurt when we start equating money — or, especially the dispersing of money — with love/ the expression of love. Money can certainly buy a certain level of security and it can make things easier. But, as you know, it can also make things harder. It can ruin relationships and create mountains of resentment.
I don’t know, maybe your parents DO love and support your sister more than they support you. Maybe the expression of their love and support is much deeper than the financial assistance they give your sister (the assistance that she asked for and that you did not). And if that’s the case — or even if it’s not but you believe it is, which is hurtful enough — I am sorry for that.
I can imagine that’s a painful and lonely feeling. But instead of letting the resentment eat you up, focus on the love and support you DO have from the people who share it freely, and accept what love and support your parents give you in whatever way it’s shared with you, understanding that we all have limits and flaws and overtly favoring one child over another is a huge flaw of theirs as parents and as people.
Also, if you want financial help from your parents … ask for it. It worked for your sister!
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I think Wendy’s advice is great. I would focus on this part of what you wrote though “At the end of the day, I don’t NEED money from my parents. My husband and I work hard and make sacrifices, and ultimately make ends meet more comfortably than most. ” You don’t NEED money and you thankfully make ends meet more comfortably than most. Also, I would not get into the will issue. It’s their money, they can divide it up however they see fit. It just seems really petty to me to be fighting over an inheritence. It’s money you won’t get until they die anyways, which will hopefully be a long time away. Parents shouldn’t have to keep track of which child they help out over the years and then adjust their will accordingly every few years.
What is with people thinking they’re entitled to their parents’ money?!
“My parents are certainly free to do whatever they want with their money”…goes on to explain why they really aren’t.
The most important issue here is separating your resentment of your sister’s behavior from anything your parents have or haven’t done. I know you think your sister is irresponsible, and you may very well be right about that, but it’s not your parents’ fault that that’s the case. They are trying to help your sister out of what seems like a difficult situation. You can disagree with that, but it’s really not about you. Just try to consider your own relationship with your parents separately from all of that: Would you ask your parents for money in the situation you’re now in if you didn’t have a sister? If so, you can also ask now. If you would ONLY ask in reaction to your sister’s situation, as kind of “being treated equally” thing, try to let it go. This kind of rivalry among sibling is normal, but you’d do better to try and overcome it.
So, the will thing is weird to me. God willing, your parents will live a long life. So this will might come into play 30 years from now. My husband’s grandfather just passed at 98, you could live an entire lifetime before that even becomes a factor. I am also guessing that your sister got help with a down payment, not a whole house bought for her, right? They didn’t give her $250k right? I don’t know your situation but it is clear that you have gotten very worked up in your head over this. The Prodigal Son (Daughter) is the so old that it is biblical.
Yeah it sucks, but you really don’t need the money, and your parents probably see that, and are probably very proud that you aren’t digging into their retirement money like your sister is. You need to get over the idea that money equals love, because it is making you sounds very spiteful. Money is just money not love.
Eesh. I just don’t get this, at all.
I mean, I’d understand maybe a low-level annoyance, some sprigs of resentment here or there—yeah, it’s frustrating when those who are *not* showing competence at managing their own lives seem to get the most help from others, especially when it’s your sibling & your parents—but LW, it seems like you’ve been ~nurturing~ these negative feelings, rather than (rightfully, in my opinion) brushing them off? And like Wendy said, I don’t know WHY you’re assuming that your sister is more loved, or if that feeling is actually what’s informing your focus on the money aspect, but you need to either 1.) let it go 2.) ask for help, if you, y’know, actually want financial HELP & not just “love”. Because if it’s *love* you want, then you need to disassociate love from money.
And the will thing is SO petty. You keep saying “equitable” as if your parents are leaving MORE money to your sister, but they aren’t. You say yourself that it’s split evenly. What, you want them to deduct from your sister’s share all of the money they loaned her in the past? No. That’s batshit, & it’s not your business.
Actually, none of this is really your business. Your parents themselves are “keeping [you] in the dark”, & they are right to do so. As long as they can afford to help your sister out in the way that they do, just forget all of it. Clearly, you need something from your parents, yeah, but it isn’t money. So stop.
Yeah it seems the LW somehow equates the fact that her sister is a screw up, and needs help with, oh look my parents love her more, because they bailed her out of jail, and kept her from going in to bankruptcy. LW they don’t love her more, because she needs help, they just are good parents who are making sure their daughter has the best chance of not failing. You don’t need that help, and even if your parents don’t show it you would be surprised how much they really really love you for that fact… until you blow up on them about it.
Also, wouldn’t it be nicer to just be happy for your sister that she has your parents to fall back on? I come from a big family and we’ve never done equal. If one of us needs money more than the other, then that’s who it goes to, and we’re all happy for whoever gets the help they need. This is your sister, not some stranger. Take pride in the fact that you don’t need it and just let it go.
I suggest you ask your parents if they can help you in any way to buy a house, if that’s what you want. No need to mention that they helped your sister, they already know that you know, right? And if they pester you about having kids, are you very clear ro them that money is the main reason, and if you had more money (hint hint) you’d be having babies ASAP ?
I haven’t read Wendy’s advice yet but had to get my gut reactions out now – oh for the love of god please!! I can’t even imagine harboring those thoughts – calculating what parents have given a sibling while they’re alive, thinking about what you’ll each get after they die, wanting more, resenting the hell out of your parents for helping your sister, being hurt by someone else’s windfall, wanting to be rewarded for doing what you think is right (living responsibly), oh gross this is all so disgusting.
Let’s put the financial issue aside for a moment and look at the emotional issue. If you really feel that your parents love your sister more than you, that needs to be dealt with. While they’re still alive. Because once they’re gone, your pain and anger will complicate the grieving process. You need to tell them how you feel now, while you all have the opportunity to work on your relationship.
I think the main issue here goes deeper than the money. It sounds like the LW holds a lot of resentment because her parents “love her sister more”. You’re going to need to work that out somehow, because even if your parents gave money equally, you’d still feel that way, and you’d still have a problem.
As for the money, Wendy is right- If you want money, ask for it. I asked for money for one thing in my life (my wedding), and I got it. Sure, my parents give me $20 here and there, but they never offered to help me out financially, because I never asked. They assumed that they raised a child who can take care of themselves.
Well, I feel sort of weird here because I can understand why the LW feels the way she does.
I have two siblings and my parents have helped both of them buy houses. My mother has told me when my time comes the same amount they gave to my siblings is waiting for me. Most parents I know and our family friends do the same. It just seems to me if you have kids you want to treat them all equally with love, support and yes, financially.
My husband’s parents do the same. They help out his sibling financially but we don’t need the money so what they try to do is give my husband special presents to make it even, be it in the form of a nice watch or vacation…
I know when I have my own grown kids, I will see how much I have to give and split that among all kids evenly. Favoring one child over the other just seems wrong to me…
Anyway, LW, talk to you parents. Tell them how you feel and see what they say. Maybe they do have good reasons. Maybe they gave all they could without factoring you in. Who knows. If I were in your place I would say something and then see their reaction. Obviously, you can’t force someone to be generous with you but you can always tell them how it makes you feel. In the end, be thankful you don’t need it and know that you will treat your children differently.
LW, I understand where you are coming from (my younger, irresponsible) sister is my mom’s favorite (she’s told me!) and my parents help my sister and her husband out financially, especially since their surprise pregnancy (but *my* parents didn’t buy them a house!). You can’t control how your parents act or how your sister acts. You can only control how you act. And purposefully being thankful has helped me. Be thankful that you have enough money right now. Be thankful that your parents seem like people who would help you out if you ever needed it. Be thankful that your niece/nephew is being taken care of. Be thankful that your life is probably a lot less stressful since you don’t feel like you “owe” your parents financially. Be thankful that you learned to be responsible with money. Be thankful that you are smart enough to start a family when you are ready, which will be best for your future child. Sometimes, I need to re-remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for when I feel like my parents (er, really just my mom) continually pick my sister over me. But, these feelings and insecurities are OUR problems, not our parents’ or our sisters’.
It does suck and it is extremely unfair…but you know what? Karma’s a bitch. Some day this will all catch up to her. Even though your parents are buying her house, she still has medical bills and a baby to support. Some day — probably sooner rather than later — your sister is going to realize that she has no money. She may have to declare bankruptcy. She probably already has credit that’s shot to hell. She probably won’t have a comfortable retirement savings and will have to work until she’s 80. But you will have security. In 5, 10, 20 years, you’ll be secure. I don’t agree with the fact that your parents bought her house, but some day this is all going to catch up.
My parents have supported me financially much more than my brother because I really really needed it, even post college. My brother got a really hefty salary right out of college in the computer field whereas I’m still barely making ends meet. I feel really bad that I still need their help sometimes, but I’m incredibly grateful that my parents have helped me and supported me when I needed it most. Without that I wouldn’t be where I am today.
I know it sucks and I know it’s not fair, but try your best not to let the bitterness get in the way of having a good relationship with your family.
Letters like this make me grateful I’m an only child. That being said, I’d rather have my parents around for a lot longer than have to live in a world without them. Money ain’t that great.
LW, you gotta let it go. I know it sucks, and it’s awful, but if you ask and they say no, there’s not much you can do. I hope things get better for you, and it sounds like you won’t repeat your sister’s mistakes.
I have a lot of siblings and growing up in a household like that, not everyone gets equal attention. As a mother of more than one kid you absolutely cannot give equal time and attention to each kid. It’s like triage, if one person has a bullet wound and one has a cough, you treat the bullet wound first. Sorry your life is so good that your parents feel that you can handle it? No, I’m not. I have rarely got my parents attention first and that is because I have my shit together. Do I resent them? No! I put myself in their shoes and I know that they are grateful that they don’t have to worry about me.
Put your big girl panties on and deal with the fact that fair doesn’t always mean equal. Your parents aren’t trying to give your sister a better life than you, they are trying to make her life as good as yours. And if you can’t get over it then get yourself to therapy so you can grow up.
What a truly bizarre situation. The entitlement issues, pettiness, and jealousy over others financial situations is really strange. LW, it’s none of your business what your parents do with their money. NONE. That you are jealous over your sister’s terrible finances is hilarious though. Can you imagine her credit score? Instead of harboring such negative feelings that only hurt yourself, try to let it go. I would laugh to myself as I looked at my bank account statements and revel in my responsible adultness. 🙂
I wonder why you are so certain that your parents love your sister more than you… They could be feeling something as simple as guilt, because they failed in teaching her proper financial responsibility. They may feel that, somehow, it is their fault that she is the way she is. Or it could be even simpler. They may feel guilty because they dropped her on her had as a baby (out loud, it sounds funny, not creepy).
I can see where one sibling getting a house and the other getting nothing would be hurtful and upsetting, and I think that while it’s wonderful that DW has so many commenters who would have nothing but the warm fuzzies if they were in your shoes, not everyone is so selfless that they wouldn’t be upset by this.
I’ve been in a similar although not equivalent situation, LW, and the best advice I have for you is this:
1) You can feel however you want to. Be upset, angry, hurt, however you like.
2) Recognize that your bad feelings are yours to deal with, and neither your parents nor your sister deserve to have you take out your bad feelings on them. Do not be a jerk to them just because you’re sad. None of the other parties are doing anything actively wrong, even if your feelings are hurt by it.
3) I think it would be ok to mention one time and one time only to your parents that you’re hurt that your sister got a house and you didn’t BUT this one time can come only when you have dealt with your feelings to the point where you will not be accusatory, mean, guilt-trippy, passive aggressive or hateful when you bring it up. Bring only your resignation to the table. Be aware that your parents might get defensive or upset in return, and while that’s not ideal, it’s also not going to be unexpected. Weigh carefully what you think you’ll be getting out of the conversation and how much good you think it will do for you and your parents’ relationship.
4) Don’t bring this up with your sister. You know it will not go anywhere you want it to, and what’s she supposed to do? Give the house back?
4) After that, let it go. Completely put the whole situation out of your mind. I know that’s easier said than done, but practice. This is one of those fake it till you make it things.
5) The will thing really is kind of petty. Let that go first if you can.
6) Therapy. It helps with everything.
Hope this helps – worked for me, although I skipped entirely talking to my parents, because it just wasn’t worth it. Don’t let the judgement of the other commenters get you down, the internet lends itself to a pile-on and people tend to forget that there’s a real person on the other side.
Its crazy to me that so many suggest she should just ask the parents for money. I get that a few people meant it different ways, but still surprising to see so many suggest that to resolve this.
The world would be a much better place if people stopped expecting handouts.
So, WWS and here is what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would approach them and say something like “I understand that you would love for my husband and I to start our families. The truth is that in order to be financially responsible and not incur debt, we need to wait X years. However, if you could help us out with X amount of dollars for X years, we could start having children sooner. We are very responsible financially and we would not misuse your funds. Otherwise we won’t be starting our family for X years.” Or something like that. So ASK and if they get weird and say no, then you can bring up the fact that your sister is receiving more help than you are and has for a very long time and that you feel really hurt and offended by that. Then you have said what you need to say and the ball is in their court. At least it is all out in the open and if you don’t NEED their money, then you are free to live your life without them pressuring you to have children before you are financially ready.
Wow, what a crock of shit. Not the letter. But many of these absurdly sanctimonious comments. REALLY?! So pretty much everyone here wouldn’t even so much as bat an eye if their parents showered thousands upon thousands of dollars on their sibling? Yeah right. Is it fantasy land on here today or what? Sorry, I simply don’t buy it. You’re not ALL saints… Thanks for the good laugh though.
LW, please understand that this is a situation you can’t fix. You don’t (and shouldn’t) have control or any say in how your parents spend their money. You don’t want to deprive your niece/nephew because you want to throw a fit about your sister being supported. You won’t actually feel better if they stopped supporting her, because she’d still be fiscally irresponsible (and probably coming to you for money!) and you’d still feel like your parents loved her more than you. I don’t even think you’d feel better if they gave you money, because it wouldn’t compare to the constant support your sister has received and a lifetime of feeling less loved.
The only thing you can control is your reaction to the situation. I can absolutely relate to the resentment, but being resentful only hurts you. So whatever you do, whether you talk to your parents and ask for money to start your family or decide not to mention this to them, also realize that you need to decouple the practical issues of money and financial support from the emotional issues of sibling competition, unequal love, and judgement that are happening here. The money issue is a symptom, the love issue is the disease.
I didn’t see anyone comment on the grandchildren aspect of this. While there certainly may be exceptions, aging parents really, really want grandchildren. In fact, providing them grandchildren, especially ones they can frequently enjoy, is – in its own real way – “good behavior” to aging parents. I have no idea how this factors in in LW’s case, but it might, particularly as “we” do not know what the conversations were between LW’s sister and their parents.
Children ARE expensive, and can be as expensive as you want, up to and including live-in nannies or giving up full time employment to stay home. Still, I’ve seen young couples just getting by with several kids and having a great time as they did so, and I’ve also seen couples put kids off until some monetary goal and then stress out over almost everything in their zeal to get child rearing perfect.
Raising kids may be the ultimate in YMMV!
Make passive aggressive statements at Thanksgiving and buy yourself Christmas presents this year. Seriously though I think what you really wanted was some understanding and commiserating. So it sucks when parents don’t make sure to treat their kids equally, it’s painful and costs thousands in therapy (which you will have to pay for because your parents are too busy supporting your sister). One thing I really admire about my fiance’s parents is how equally they treat their 2 kids, they don’t let his younger sister do anything he wasn’t allowed at the same age and they will try to give one child extra presents or take them to dinner if they give the other financial help. My mom didn’t do that and now when she complains about my spoiled and needy sister I make PA comments and say tough shit.
Be proud of yourself and how self sufficient you are but if you want to get snarky sometimes, or ask for money for therapy go ahead.
I do believe that the squeaky wheel gets the grease or in this case, the stunted child gets the financial support. Your sister refuses to grow up and your parents refuse to let her. You may think it’s about the money but it’s deeper than that, it boils down to this…you think your parents do more for your sister than they do for you so therefore, they care about her more.
I think it’s more about not wanting their child to fail, which seems to be the one thing your sister excels at. Now that she has a child, your parents will maintain status quo because of the baby.
I know how you feel, my oldest sibling has gotten a shitload of money from my Mom. I will say, I’d rather be in my position than my siblings, because their life sucks because they can’t conduct it successfully. Eventually when your parents are no longer able to support her, she’ll start feeling the pain. Just make sure that you don’t assume their role and start bailing her out, she needs to grow up.
LW, I can understand where you’re coming from, having a sister who is much like yours.
Unless you ask for help, you will never receive it. Your parents may very well think that you have everything in hand/taken care of and don’t need help. You say you don’t need the help, but feel slighted. Honey, remember – they are taking care of your sister because they feel they need to. That she needs extra help and you don’t. This is actually a compliment, however backwards, to you and your husband.
If you truly need money, ask for it. Just make sure you work out a payment plan, unless they decide to gift it to you.
As far as the wills are concerned – it’s really none of your business what your parents decide on with their money/assets. My mom had originally left everything to my younger sister because “she can’t take care of herself and she’ll need help”. After my sister grew up a bit (older, not wiser), my mom changed her will to give me everything as long as I create college trust accounts for my nephews. I am more financially responsible and my mom wants to make sure there is money for the grandkids rather than squandered on my sister.
After a while, my mom started easing up on giving my sister money. She hasn’t cut her off, but she has pulled back. Your parents may do this too.
Bottom line – don’t pick a fight over something that you don’t know ALL of the information about, especially when you haven’t asked for the same considerations that your sister has.
Question for OP – do your parents assume you are going to be the one to take care of them when they get old? If that is the case, then I think you can say something. Otherwise, you really can’t tell them how to gift their money. But if you will be their primary caregiver, I don’t think it’s all that out of line to talk to your parents about them leaving you more – because it will be a financial and emotional hardship.
I am thinking about having a similar discussion with my parents because it’s obvious my mother wants me to move closer now that they are older and having issues. But these are my prime earning years, my sister makes 3x my salary, and it just doesn’t seem fair for me to move to a town I don’t like, make much less money, have the burden of caring for my parents and then have everything split down the middle when they die. Luckily, my sister would probably agree with me and we are close enough I don’t worry about resentment. But I wouldn’t dream of having this talk unless I will find myself in a precarious financial situation from taking care of them. Ugh, good luck.
My parents used to enable my addict brother and this went on for YEARS. They would give him places to live, money, cars, etc. while my husband and I worked hard. My mom’s philosophy on this was that I “lived with man and so I should be independent.” I never resented my parents for not giving me money because I knew that it meant I was stronger, more able and in their eyes, less of a dependent. These things made me very proud of myself.
So perhaps, LW, you could use this situation to empower yourself and look at all that you’ve accomplished in your independence. Sometimes when we stop seeing the lack in our lives and realize all the good that we have, better things come our way.
As someone who has to deal with something similar to this, my best explanation is: parents will baby the baby for as long as they act like a baby. If you are halfway intelligent and responsible (at least in comparison to others in your family), they will leave you to your own devices. I guess you can take it as a half-azzed compliment.
This will sound harsh, but its none of your business how your parents are spending their money. Also, think of it this way, if you were the one receiving the money from your parents that would mean that you’re not as successful as you are. They aren’t giving her money because they like her better. They are giving her money because she can’t handle her own shit!
One thing I don’t think that has been touched on is parents who show their love through money. Maybe this LW grew up that way? My bil grew up that way, his family didn’t ‘show’ love, but rather ‘bought’ it. So instead of being told I love you or hugged or encouraged, they just bought their kids things. He definitely equates love with money as an adult. Like if he makes my sister upset, he’ll just buy her something and thinks that it fixes everything and that they don’t need to talk about it anymore. Because that’s how his family functioned.
I do think that this LW needs to stop focusing on the money. It’s not about the will or how much will be left to who. If she feels like her relationship with her parents is not where she wants it to be, that’s where she should focus her energy. It’s hard because I think we all have moments of I want what they have! I want somebody to write me a $10,000 check etc. But, we have to learn to let those just be fleeting thoughts and not take over and influence our relationships with loved ones. And if they do take over, usually there is a reason. As an outsider reading the LWs letter I would say she probably doesn’t have the same relationship with her Mom as her sister and she’s jealous of that. But, it’s easier to focus on the money. Because it’s tangible and isn’t as sad to think about. I could be totally off the mark here, but that’s the feeling I got from reading her letter. I’m actually pretty sad for her, because I have such an opposite amazing relationship with my Mom and reading things like this makes me very thankful for that!
I think that sometimes, parents are inclined to look out for the “weaker” child…not necessarily that they love him/her more, but they realize that one of their kids needs more help. In this case, the LW’s folks see that the LW is self-sufficient, capable, good at managing money, etc., while their other daughter is kind of a mess. And now that there’s a grandchild involved, it’s even more incentive to ensure their assistance.
We saw this within my grandfather’s family…he was one of 8 children, & the one that got the most “help” (and was cut the most slack) from their parents over the years was the proverbial black sheep. He did not associate with the family, did not help out when the aging parents needed a lot of care, etc. One of the sisters, Ruby, became quite wealthy, and never had any kids. Upon her death, her will divided her assets evenly between the still-living siblings, EXCEPT for the ‘black sheep’ brother. He was left exactly $1 in the will, with the comment, “For all you did for Momma and Daddy.” That is one of our favorite family stories–don’t mess with Aunt Ruby!
Our family dynamic seems to be very different. In my family the “least favored” child (ok I don’t think he’s “least favorite” just that he makes my mom the most sad) is the one that has gotten the most financial help. My mom would (and has) dished out financial help to all three of us when we are in need, but she raised us to be independent and self-sufficient so I actually feel better that I haven’t needed as much assistance from my mom.
Still, I get how the LW could be mad at this inequality, for myself I would split everything in a will the same among my children (unless one needed medical assistance), but you’re really focusing too much negative energy into this. It’s not healthy to be this resentful.
So, my mom sent me flowers a few weeks ago because I was depressed. My hair stylist moved to California, my close girlfriend moved to California, the Kid was getting ready to leave, I had a breast biopsy, and I started my effing period, and got a chest cold. I was about five seconds away from sticking my head in the oven.
Anyway, my sisters didn’t get flowers or anything. They must currently hate me.
I KID, I KID!
LW, might you consider for a moment how your sister feels about your success?
I mention this because there’s a little disparity too in my family between the attention and money my parents invested in my younger brother, and what they gave me. Like you, I didn’t really NEED a lot of help or support or attention; I’m independent to a fault. My mom once said of me, “You flew the nest and never looked back.” My brother’s not struggling, but he’s been a little slower to leave the nest. (And I think this is a fairly common sibling dynamic – the first-born being more independent than the younger.) He’s followed a different trajectory than I did, not better or worse, just different.
But he said something to me this year when he graduated college that struck me. He graduated Magna Cum Laude (second-highest honors) for which the whole family was exceedingly proud of him. During graduation photos, he asked me to remind him which Honors level I’d gotten, and I answered “Summa” (highest). And he kinda snorted and said “Of course you did.”
That was the first time it ever hit me that he might feel, or have felt, that he’s living in my shadow to some extent. That as the first-born, I set the bar for what was expected of him achievement-wise (mostly re: grades, I was almost all As and Bs and he was more Bs and Cs) and he felt he had to live up to that.
So maybe, LW, your sister is embarrassed to be living in your shadow. Think about how you’d feel in her position – and especially how you’d feel if you knew your older sibling judged you so harshly for not living up to the same standard she set before you. Think on it.
I completely get where the LW is coming from – it sucks that her parents are enabling her sister’s bad choices with money. She’s trying her best to be responsible and self-sufficient while her sister is digging herself into a hole that mom and dad are filling with cash. It could be a couple thousand or a couple hundred thousand, it would feel the same for her.
It sounds like right now she needs reassurance from her parents of their love an support (“It’s no secret that they love her more than they love me”) and in my opinion, that’s ok. I would definitely suggest a therapist to help her through the process of either coming to terms with this or helping her figure out a way to talk to her parents about this, change the conversation. My family dynamic is not something I intended to address with my therapist, but it has really helped me in my interactions with my family.
And man, some of this commenting has certainly gotten out of hand! The “I would never!”s? Replace money with something else (doesn’t need to be a physical thing); I’m sure you’ve all been jealous before.
It’s better to be independent than dependent. It’s better to be able to support yourself than to need handouts from others. You have the better end of this deal, whether you see it or not. I’m sure your parents are proud of your self-sufficiency… and so it comes down, to me, whether I’d want their respect or their cash. I guess you have to make that decision for yourself.
I think you are completely justified in how you are feeling, particularly if this is one in a lifetime of times your parents have given your sister different or preferential treatment. My family dynamic is similar (although immediately less extreme) and it hurts.
Now that being said, it will help you feel better to remember what other commenters and wendy have already said, fair isn’t necessarily equal, money doesn’t equal love, and your parents can spend their money however they want.
Ask your parents for what you need. If what hurts is the emotional stuff, open up to your parents about how you feel you get the short end of the emotional stick. They may have no idea you felt that way. If it’s about you needing financial help, then ask. Nothing will change for the better if you don’t ask.
And on another note, have you thought about things from your sisters perspective? My younger brother is kind of like your sister in that it has taken him a long time to get it together, and my parents have really given him a lot of support, financially and otherwise. Like you, I came to resent that. During a heart to heart with him a long time ago, he told me he felt like *i* was the favorite because I was the golden child, while he needed constant bailing out. Knowing that has really helped our relationship, and helped our relationships with our parents. They don’t love one or the other of us more, they just love us differently, because we are different.
Well, I have definitely been in the same situation with me and my sister, only we are a bit younger. We still both live at home, but she is always asking for more money, more stuff, more everything. They bought her a freaking piano she played for maybe a month and is now just taking up space in her room.
Much like the LW, I feel uncomfortable asking my parents for money, also because I’m the older one. But I have come to realize, that even when she gets the stuff she asks for, my sister is not happy. I eventually realized I resented not because she gets more stuff, but because she asks for more and doesn’t feel guilty about it, and I just can’t bring myself to do that. I would not like for my parents to pay for more than what they already do.
I think that if it’s for something you really want/need, you can ask them. But not in a “you gave her x amount of money so I want the same” way, just say you could use their help or something. I think, also, in these situations, the best is to look within yourself and find out why this bothers you so much.
If I’m going to read this generously, I’m going to say that the money here is being used as shorthand for the love, for reasons that people have already mentioned (money being a tangible expression of love, etc.), and I’d venture to say that if the LW was getting the emotional support from her folks she wouldn’t worry so much about things being equitable. My folks are very supportive of me, and will still buy me lunch when we meet up, or bring me a candy bar— just little things that are part of their way of showing that they love me. Amusingly enough, now that I’ve gotten older, sometimes I buy or bake them treats, so we end up passing things back and forth.
My folks give far more money to my youngest brother, who is a T1 diabetic and needs the help while he’s in school. I’m delighted that they can help him out— he’s a good kid, and I don’t sit around stewing that they pay his rent while he’s in college while I have always paid my own (my parents are ridiculously generous with their kids, and I am so, so grateful that they are). I didn’t need the help, and I don’t care two pence that it’s not “equitable.” But if I need help on a job application, my mom is there to advise. Or my dad brings me chamomile tea when he knows I’m in a rough patch with grad school. I suspect if the LW had more support period, she would worry far less about the money.
Can you guys please help me out? I’m in the same situation as the LW except my younger, favorite (of the two adult kids my parents have) is NOT in need financially, has a great job, successful husband, is living in huge home #2 that my parents helped them buy), and is pushing my dad to buy her and hubby a second (vacation) home and he’s actually considering it!! Whereas I am unemployed after losing a long career but looking hard for a job, taking grad courses that I pay for (they also paid for her phd), and live in a one bedroom rental and never ask for or get $ help. Parents just sold their ny home and my sis literally just took what she wanted from the house (had it all sent to her in FL without telling me she was going to.) and my dads valuable collections too. So what do I do? I hurt!
When it comes down to it, LW, what your parents do with their money is none of your business.
I’m surprised at how many people there are who are NOT on the side of the author. I agree that depending on each situation, a parent may have to help a child more than another. However, her parents are buying her a house? That is a huge deal. Why can’t they just help her with some furniture for an apartment? I think the parents are enablers. I guess I just understand how the author feels, as I experience this on both sides of my family. My mom has bailed my brother out of debt several times and he continues to ask her for money. I told my mother I don’t want to know about it anymore. My sister in law and her husband are very similar to those in the original posting….always complaining about money, but having child after child. My mother in law and father in law helped them with the house, baby-sit constantly and pay some of their bills (I know this because they told me and husband). Now, while I like the fact that my husband and I are independent and responsible, I also don’t like to hear comments like “I hope you never need help, because I don’t know if I can afford it”. It also bothers me to see people getting taken advantage of….I mean, doesn’t anyone want to see their parents be able to retire? After a while, it does make a person feel a little resentful when there is such disparities. I think it’s wonderful that a parent is able to help and wants to help, but parents also need to save for their retirement and ensure they aren’t enabling.
I just read your post and so empathize with how you are feeling. I’ve had similar issues with my brother. Your parents seem to be catering to your sister out of a need they have to feel needed, important or liked, but it isn’t out of love. If they really loved her they would focus more on showing her how to be financially independent. By just dishing out money to her they are only making her dependency worse…its like giving a drug addict more drugs…..unless your sister learns to be financially responsible she will ALWAYS have a money issue. Throwing money at the problem only makes the problem worse. And what happens when your parents are no longer here? Have they thought of that??
I can beat that. My parents give my sister money and spend holidays with her instead of me. Even if money doesn’t equal love, does time equal love?
When the irresponsible sister asks for money, the parents need to reply “sink or swim.” She will never learn how to handle money until she actually starts trying. My parents do the same with my sister. In fact my retired Dad put her on his checking account! It is so inequitable. She is stealing from him and could care less that using up all his funds means that he has none left for the rest of her siblings, nieces, and nephews. It’s all about her and her family only. Unfortunately my parents let her get away with it because she tells them a sob story. The absolute worst part is that my Dad left no survivor benefit for my Mom so he needs to be putting money aside in case he dies first. Instead my sister eats up his retirement check every month.
I read this and its exactly how I feel. It seems that this is how life is. If you are responsiblem, try not to burden anyone with your needs and live independently you get nothing. You are left to fend for yourself whether that be by your family or by the state. If you live irresponsibly, are needy, stretch yourself so those who care feel they just help you and take of others resources then your are rewarded. Im sorry to all those who say that she should suck it up. My parents used to ‘index link’ my pocket moneyw ith my sister yet she has always put herself in situations that require bailing out, taking their time and energy and even moving their house and furniture at the age of 70 plus. I put my hand in my not very deep pockets and paid for a professional removal firm. I’m with the author. Parents have a duty to all their children and shouldn’t have to shout or ask to get considered.
First things first. Why should children ( in this situation your sister) ask their old parents for financial support. I know that i have no idea about your parents’ financial condition, but always they favouring your sister over you for no reason sounds a bit wierd. I suggest you have a polite discussion with them, being straight forward in approach. Tell them that parents have a duty to all their children at the same time and your sister should as well be obliged for caring about her parents. They can’t carry expectations from one child and simply favour the another. This is totally unjustifiable.
What is not addressed in this Q&A, there is far more going on in the family dynamic! Why do they have such an underperforming sister? Something was already going on here that hasn’t been straightened out.
My step-father uses his money as a business transaction – and that includes family. (It was explained to me after years of scratching my head as to why he always seemed to favor his own kids). As long as they give him all their time and love (co-dependency), he will give them unlimited cash. As a result, they have no careers, no ambition or any other healthy form relationship. So, favoritism isn’t his motivation, but rather to control people around him.
For my own personal development and character, I decided his money just isn’t worth it. If he says jump, I ignore him, while the ones who are getting money have to ask, ‘How high?’ It’s kinda sad actually, but that’s the reality in my own family.
Being in a similar situation, i can relate to this one. I just wanted to give some insight on the feelings involved. Its about more than just the money. For as long as i can remember, there has been a huge divide in favoritism between me and my sister. My sister is the favorite child while i am not. While growing up, the way you feel this difference is in the giving of love and attention. When everyone has left the parental home though, the way you love is given out now is through financial help. When you already have this wound, it becomes like rubbing salt into it everytime. When you have a financial crisis, you have to deal with it by yourself, freak out by yourself, worry by yourself, and it hurts. Meanwhile your other sibling has a safety net provided by your parents that you will never have, that spares her this terrible anxiety and pain. In the end, its just a constant reminder that you don’t matter as much or mean as much, and thats where the pain comes from. Its hard to deal with those feelings when it happens over and over again. Her mentioning the will isn’t even about the money, it will be the last and final declaration of love in her eyes, and it will be like a punch in the gut when its cemented in stone that with their dying breath, she doesnt matter as much as her sibling. This is the perception that happens. Honestly, more than anything, i think she just wants her parents to notice her. Its not really about the money.
I get it. I have a younger sister who never left home and never got a job. She lives with our mother, rent free. She doesn’t help with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. My mother even puts gas in my sister’s car every week. I, on the other hand, moved out when I was 18 and have always supported myself. Lately, though, things have been tough due to some financial issues. But when I’ve asked for help, I’m told the family can’t afford to help me and my sister, too. Seriously? My sister sits around and doesn’t even try to be independent, so she gets rewarded with a free ride and I’m told to fend for myself?
Money isn’t love, but it’s a damn good proxy. All things being equal, if you give more time, praise, money consistently to someone over another, you love them more. If the gap is large and inexplicable enough and you’re the other, it’s better to stop the abuse and move on with relationships that are mutual. Just because you share some dna, you don’t have to endure abusive behavior.
I’m sure if she DID ask she would be told “look at you & all you have”, and then try to make her feel bad about the “poor” sister. Face it, some parents just don’t give a damn unless you are one of the “chosen” ones
Perhaps talk to your parents at an appropriate time, away from other family members. Let them know how it makes you feel when you aren’t included in the apparent “blessings” bestowed upon the sibling that isn’t responsible. It isn’t as if it wouldn’t help you. That it’s hard to see your sister get rewarded for not being responsible and maybe they don’t realize it isn’t really helping her future to bail her out. If your parents were fair it would go a long way making you feel loved for who you are and proud of you for not begging off of them and help your sister to know she’s loved equally but has to be as responsible as you. In the end the best for both of you.
I can relate to this. My parents have always favored my sister. They have given her hundreds of thousands of dollars, paid for her kids to travel around the world, bought her a car, bought her kids cars, paid for her kids’ private school tuition and extracurricular activities, college tuition, her kids’ braces, summer camps, while she never worked. The most they ever “gave” me was a loan of $50 to tow my used car once when the alternator went out. I had to pay them back within a week. Any time I ever asked for anything, no matter how small, I was turned down. My kids never got anything. They gave her kids lavish gifts (laptops, bikes, designer handbags) for birthdays and Christmas. They gave my kids $10 gift cards. Even when we were children, they gave her private music lessons, cameras, expensive gifts while I got a package of underwear for my birthday. If parents have a favorite child it will never change. Don’t bother asking. It isn’t worth it. Just cut them out of your life and be at peace with your husband. Enjoy your own life without them. That’s what I finally did.
Cleary a good deal of people here don’t come from wealthy families. I totally sympathize with the responsible child. Ask the Parents for equal treatment now. You shouldn’t amend the will for 50 years from now. Holiday get together just stink when greedy siblings are always getting extra help.
I think Wendy’s advice regarding the one daughter feeling slighted was terrible! Basically she just said suck it up buttercup and move on. The one daughter was clearly irresponsible while the writer had her act together. The parents should have stated they would help both their daughters out if need be. To just give to one all the time is not right! Do better Wendy!
Actually, I said “if you want financial help from your parents … ask for it. It worked for your sister!” Where was the part where I said “suck it up buttercup and move on”?
I agree, the onus shouldn’t be on the responsible daughter to ask for financial support- it’s on the parents to actively reward financially sustainable behaviour while penalising short-termist behaviour.
I don’t think the LW is being petty. It’s really hard to sit back and watch an entitled sibling get and get and get. It hurts to know that you are not your parents’ favorite child. The squeaky wheel gets the grease I suppose. 🙄