“My Long Distance Boyfriend Is Moving Here, But I’m Unhappy”
Lately, I’ve been watching videos on Youtube with a certain guy I’m sort of fangirling over. And yet, I know I could never meet this guy, let alone start something with him. But the fact that I’m having such thoughts for him and constantly watching his videos in an attempt to feel any joy these days scares me. I’ve dropped subtle hints to my boyfriend and eventually admitted how cool I think this other guy is, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind it. I don’t think it’s healthy at all.
I know my boyfriend’s moving to me and maybe things will change when he’s finally here. He recently asked me if he’s saving up for a move only for our relationship to be doomed and then he asked if I still love him, and I said that lately I’m not sure. I thought maybe that would help him realize I need a bit more attention. Am I not in love with him anymore or am I just freaking out because I’ve reached the point where the long distance has gotten to me? — Not Feeling As Charmed
You’re not feeling it anymore, and not because the long distance is “getting to you”; it’s because the long distance portion of this relationship is ending soon and now you’re faced with the reality of taking things to the next level and you don’t want to. You aren’t into your boyfriend anymore, you’re bored with your relationship, and you’re looking for escape and stimulation elsewhere. (And, not for nothing, if you’re looking to YouTube for some joy because you aren’t finding it anywhere else, then it’s not just your relationship that’s in trouble).
Your initial spark and interest in your boyfriend began when he “lifted you from a dark time with another guy,” which sounds a lot like how your interest in this YouTube guy has begun. You need to break this cycle and start taking responsibility for your own joy and fulfillment. Take the wheel of your life and stop putting it in the hands of other people. YOU are in the driver’s seat here. Or, at least, you should be. So start thinking about which direction you’re headed and where you want to go. And stop leading on your poor boyfriend and be direct with him. These “subtle” signs you’re giving him are bullshit. Grow up and be direct.
Tell him you’ve realized you need to be single for a while and address your mental health and he should halt the plans he’s been making to move to you. Any grief he gives you over this will pale in comparison to you breaking up with him *after* he makes the move.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
It is also possible that you are depressed for a reason unrelated to your boyfriend. I agree with Wendy that it is not up to him to drag you out of your depression. First, figure out what is causing this depression. have you struggled with it before? He can not read your mind. I agree that it is crucial to first figure out what YOU want and need and then sit down with him and talk to him about it, directly and kindly, and ask him what HE wants. Also, how often did you see each other while it was long distance? If it was not very often, it might be that the relationship was over a long time ago.
WWS x 1000
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Sweetie, time for some therapy. You dont mention it in your letter, but if you are already in it, you need to be sure to address your relationship stuff with that person. Because it sounds like you are, for lack of a better phrase, living in a fantasy world that you have created online/in your head. Online friends, etc are fine- but you need a balance of stuff in real, face-to-face, life.
I’ve been in your shoes and I know how much this sucks and stresses you out. The pattern you have been on , to me , is straight up co-dependency. I’m still dealing with some of my co dependency habits, and they are hard to break. Please follow others advice and seek therapy. Good luck
It’s not a boyfriend’s role to make you happy. They can add joy to your life, but you have to be happy on your own first. It sounds like he was somewhat of a distraction from your problems in the beginning, and now that your problems are resurfacing, you feel like he’s not fulfilling his purpose anymore. You mention that something “isn’t healthy.” I’m not sure what you’re referring to, but one thing that I know isn’t healthy is your relationship to relationships. A good counselor can help you figure out what steps you can take on your own to feel better and what a healthy relationship looks like. I’d put the move on hold for now so that your boyfriend isn’t uprooting himself when it may very well not work out.
Man why are you counting on other people to make you happy or sad? You should be happy with your life and then find somebody who fits in and helps you keep it that way.
I wonder if the boyfriend isn’t as attentive or emotional because he’s scared? Uprooting and moving to be with someone is scary and could possibly be making him depressed or anxious. I’m moving for someone I’ve been in a LDR with for years and I went through albeit brief depression/anxiety stage because I was scared.
They both need to talk and evaluate what they’re feeling and why.
I would say time to grow up but even children take accountability for their own happiness. So I’ll say break up with your boyfriend and get into therapy. Telling somebody you aren’t sure you’re in love anymore does not mean they’ll start paying you more attention and why you came to that conclusion needs to be worked out in therapy.