“Oops, I Said Yes to Two Weddings on the Same Day”
I have been good friends with bride #1 for years. I even got her the job she has now. Lately, we haven’t been getting along the greatest since I didn’t go to the bachelorette party. She found out that I went to the bride #2’s bridal shower and bachelorette party, got so mad, and hasn’t spoken to me for the last month and a half. I’m at the point where I don’t want to be in wedding #1 wedding anymore as she has turned into Bridezilla and has been rude and mean for the past year and half since she got engaged. And I made all nine sets of jewelry and all nine brooches and those are our gifts. And I have spent over $375 for the bridesmaid dress (shoes, hair, & make up not included, nor is this the price for my husband who is a groomsman).
As for why I didn’t go to her bachelorette party, I wasn’t invited! There was a miscommunication and I thought her bachelorette party was going to be in October but it was a few weeks ago instead. I didn’t know anything about it until her soon-to-be husband called my husband wanting to know where I was and he told her I hadn’t been invited. We had already made plans to go out on a pre-paid date night and were on our way when she called. Ever since then, she has been shady to me.
Anyway, now I need advice on how I should tell her that I’m leaving her wedding early, around 6:30, right after the first group dance, to be at wedding #2 by 7 p.m. — Double Booked
You messed up and no amount of pointing fingers at Bride #1 (“she’s a bridezilla!”) or avoiding responsibility (“I didn’t even know about the bachelorette party!”) or taking credit for having been a good friend in the past (“I made her jewelry for a wedding gift!” “I got her her job!”) can change that. You messed up. You agreed to go to a wedding on the same day you already agree to go to (and be in!) another wedding. That’s not only logistically impractical, but it’s also totally rude. And now you want to know how you can basically get out of most of the wedding reception EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A BRIDESMAID so you can go attend a different wedding? You can’t.
I mean, you can, I guess, but not if you want to still be friends with this person. And it doesn’t sound like you do. But it sounds as if your husbands are friends and that, if you two women start hating each other, that’s going to affect their friendship, too, which is unfair. It’s also unfair to ask your boyfriend to leave a wedding early, when he’s a groomsman, in order to go to another wedding with you. Or were you planning to go to the second wedding alone?
At any rate, the GOOD thing to do — the thing a compassionate person would do — is to NOT leave wedding #1 early. At least, not so early that your departure and subsequent absence will be conspicuous. And if that means getting to wedding #2 late, then so be it. If that means showing up for the reception, after the ceremony, then that’s the way it goes. You’ll have to explain to bride #2 that you didn’t realize how close you were cutting it by saying yes to two weddings on the same day when they overlap each other–I mean, it would be one thing if they were even spaced hours apart, but they aren’t(!)–and that you can’t in good conscience leave your friend’s wedding early considering you and your boyfriend are both IN the wedding.
If bride #2 doesn’t understand or if she gives you grief about it–well, then I guess that’s TWO friends you’ll have who are total “bridezillas” and think it’s a crime you have other friends. Or, they’re both, you know, normal people who think that, when someone RSVPs yes to a major event like a wedding (and even says yes to being IN the wedding), that person plans to actually be there for it (or at least for most of it).
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Wow, and I thought one of my bridesmaids was flaky. One of mine didn’t want to come to the bachelorette party for many of the same reasons the LW balked at even though the information went out to her multiple times… and guess what, she made it all night after one of the other bridesmaids took her to task about why it would likely be important for me if she were there and other friends couldn’t figure out why she’d rather go to a houseparty of some other friends she had. Doesn’t sound like any other bridesmaid did that for the LW. For my friend, she didn’t want to set-up for the wedding either – everyone just got one task each, but guess what… she came through and was there the whole day.
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I know in my friend’s case it was more a case of her being in her own world and not really being in tune with the people around her. She’s still known as my super flaky friend and the maid of honor from the wedding, my sister, and sister-in-law can’t stand her but in the end she came through in her own self-absorbed way. I haven’t even seen her since the wedding since I left the ball in her court to contact me if she wanted to hang out. She stresses me out sometimes, but she’s been my friend for over 12 years. It’s a friendship I want to continue. Plenty of people think that she will come around with age and I hope she does, but if she acted like this LW I’d totally be done.
She did not HAVE to set up for you and come to your bachelorette party. When did these things become mandatory? If someone invites me to be in their wedding party and I am free on that date and have the finances to cover it, I say yes with a smile but my yes does not make me an indentured servant. I’m a newlywed so trust me I get it. But this whole wedding party “etiquette” is ridiculous and un-fun…Let people give in ways they are led too. I hate feeling like If I don’t do something(due to valid reasons, although the bride may not consider my reasons valid) I will be guilted or judged because of it.
Don’t the bridesmaids organise the Bachelorette party? The bride must be furious she didn’t help organise it, let alone not attend
I’ve never been a fan of the whole bridesmaid idea to begin with – there always seems to be more expected of them then the groomsmen and it is always so expensive. That being said, you committed, and in order to be there for either friend you can’t just half be there. So choose one wedding, whichever one. I would choose the bride 1, since you committed to her first, if you still want her friendship but maybe you don’t. Also who wants to go to two weddings in one day? One per weekend is enough for me thanks!
And just because you did some favours for someone does not give you a free pass to behave badly.
I know, that’d be super stressful even as a guest to try and go to two weddings in one day!
I also think if you decide on bride 1 you should apologize for the flakiness.
I one billion times had the same reaction Wendy did. To all of it. Wow, LW, you’re a piece of work.
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If I were bride #1, LW, I would have began pulling away from our friendship the moment you said you were leaving my wedding early to go to another wedding. A wedding that I asked you to be in none the less, so apparently I thought you were important to me. I guess you didn’t feel the same. I promise you that’s what bride #1 was thinking.
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I’m not a fan of friends who makes plans…. until something better comes along.
Yep. I’ve ended friendships over things like this.
Right? I had a high school friend like this. It’s how she was. She would wait til the last possible minute to decide which option was best for her. We would all laugh about it at the time. I’m not friends with her anymore.
In my case, my friend called me up and told me that even though we had plans to hang out, she got invited to a party and she’d rather do that. Gee, thanks. This was not the first time she had done this. We know a lot of the same people, so I still see her, but we are more acquaintances than friends.
So I’m trying to imagine how you thought you’d have time for this. If you were just a guest and maybe not close to bride #1 but wanted to support them by attending just the ceremony I could see this. But, since you’re in the bridal party I can’t imagine thinking you would ever have enough time.
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There will be other times when you have to pick between events in life and when you’ve committed to one you stick to that one. Even if it sucks and you wish you could have gone to the second or third event you were invited to.
I’m going with she saw that 27 dresses movie – or whatever it was called – and the girl that used to be in Grey’s Anatomy was in a cab back and forth between two weddings.
Can we make up a new word…..Bridesmaidzilla….
Wow. LW, I agree with WWS. You messed up and are trying to shift the blame. But in all actuality, you have acted very rudely. If I were the bride, I would be hurt.
wow LW you are that bridesmaid that the bride will use to one up her friends when they recount the stories of their weddings in years to come. choose a wedding and go to it. if you don’t want to be in a position to also be choosing which friend (if any, lets be honest) you want to keep damage control must start now. And by damage control I mean endless apologies, you chose to RSVP to two weddings in the same day, this one is on you.
Seriously? If I asked you to be a bridesmaid (which, presumably, means I consider you a good friend) and then you told me oops you’d have to leave early because you said you’d go to another wedding ON THE SAME DAY, I’d be hurt, pissed, and probably kick you out of the wedding party. Not because I’d be a bridezilla, but because that’s incredibly rude on your part. FFS, pick one wedding that day and stick to it. I’d choose bride #1 since you are in the wedding party and your absence there would be much worse than simply bowing out as a guest to bride #2. And apologize all over the damn place to bride #1 for being so flaky and rude.
I am SO glad Wendy gave you the advice she did. It is NOT ok to agree to be in someone’s wedding (it is a choice, btw, not something you’re forced to do) and then decide to leave early for someone else’s wedding. Shameful, LW.
Here’s how you tell Bride #1 you’re leaving early: you don’t.
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Also, side note, unless both weddings are incredibly close…were you just planning on wearing your bridesmaid’s dress to the second wedding?
Sorry, LW, you blew it. It was wrong, wrong, wrong, to accept two wedding invitations on the same day, and especially wrong to agree to be a bridesmaid for Bride #1. The only way you can get out of this is to explain to Bride #2 that you screwed up and say you cannot go to her wedding. And then, if Bride #1 will still let you, spend all day at her wedding, like a bridesmaid is supposed to do. But honestly, you may have lost at least one friend, maybe two. If I were Bride #1, I would happily dismiss you from my wedding and maybe from my life. The fact that you were so unspeakably rude and then blamed it on everyone else, shows how self-involved and immature you are.
This sounds like most of the people I was friends with in high school. Spoiler alert: ten years later, I don’t have many friends from high school anymore… And the ones I’m still friends with would never pull this.
You’ve described my high school friends in a nut-shell.
Sometimes it sucks that I don’t have a lot of people to reminisce with – I had a good time in high school, and college too. But in my old age of 28, I see friends that are still struggling with this type of person and I’m so glad I’ve figured out that I really don’t have to deal with that crap. Like I considered going to my reunion this year, but what’s the point? I’ll see the people I want to see on my own time and for the rest I can look at old pictures by myself. And if I’m never a bridesmaid (which I feel like is a reason people sometimes remain good enough friends with someone they don’t particularly like), I’ll survive.
Wow, I sound so unsentimental… I really do appreciate the good friends I’ve been able to keep over the years, even if very few live nearby. Which reminds me, I need to call my friend who I’ve been playing phone tag with for a few weeks…
I don’t understand why you said YES to BRIDE #2. Did you think they’d be at different times? Or was the plan all along to leave the first wedding early? Will your husband who is a groomsman in BRIDE #1’s wedding leave early too, to accompany you to BRIDE #2’s wedding?
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Also, I don’t understand why you went into detail with all the stuff in the middle. It sounds like you said yes to BRIDE #2 and knew then that you’d need to leave early…. and nothing’s changed… and now you’re looking for advice on how to tell BRIDE #1 you are leaving early. Right? I mean, despite all the stuff in the middle, nothing’s changed – that was the plan all along? And for some reason you’ve been avoiding telling her? I mean, you said you emailed BRIDE #1 about being in BRIDE #2’s wedding, but I’m guessing it said nothing about needing to bail on BRIDE #1’s wedding? Ok, so, to answer your question: my advice is to call BRIDE #1 and tell her asap and apologize profusely for it. There, that was easy. My unsolicited advice is drop out of BRIDE#2’s wedding and somehow make it up to her.
I don’t think she’s in bride #2’s wedding? She’s just attending, right? Or did I read the entire thing wrong?
Oh you’re right. OK, so all the fluff in the middle was to convince us that Bride #1 is actually horrible and it’s OK now to skip out on her wedding. Same advice stands: if you’re set on bailing Bride #1’s wedding, tell her sooner rather than later; maybe she can find another bridesmaid, and apologize, again, for being a shitty friend. …. OR take everyone’s unsolicited advice and back out of Wedding 2.
You are correct. All the fluff was so we would side with her for being a bad friend.
Wow. That’s all I have to say.
Side note, I am in two weddings two weekends apart and my best friend got mad at me for accepting to be in the other wedding (I’m her MOH which is the latter of the two weddings) and she went as far as asking me to bow out (she knows the other bride). I told her I wouldn’t do that and that I accepted the bridesmaids asking a long time ago from the other girl and that the weddings are two weekends apart and it shouldn’t be a big deal. I think it’s blown over now, but was I wrong for not bowing out? I mean they are two weeks apart, so I’m not sure what the problem is.
Don’t you know, you need to clear your calendar for a full month for every wedding you’re in? Lol, unless there are scheduling issues in planning pre-wedding events, I don’t see the problem either.
Agreed. The bride asking you to bow out was in the wrong. Just because she’s getting married, the entire world does not revolve around her leading up to her wedding.
What?? They are two weeks apart and your friend is angry? That is 100% ridiculous. Hearing a bride talk about “her special day” is enough to make me stabby, but to expect a “special month” is a new shade of self-centered.
That’s scary if that’s how much pre-wedding work your friend plans on having you work on, lol. Not a big deal in my book anyway! Maybe she’s worried you’ll be wedding’d out.
Your friend is being a cow. It’s not your job to dedicate an entire month to her wedding, nor is it your job to make sure you are available for every thing she needs help with. But I’d bow out just because she asked me to – I wouldn’t want to stand up for someone who didn’t want me there. Also, the other woman doesnt seen to mind but this one does? Shows you SHE is being irrational
Oh no, she wanted me to bow out of the other wedding, not hers haha.
But thanks guys, I thought she was being nutty about it but I wasn’t sure if I broke some rule hah. I really think it’s all good now, but for a while there I was pretty upset and aggravated over the whole thing.
oh oops – I misinterpreted it! Either way, she’s being a cow and don’t bow out. You are allowed to have other friends and be important to them.
Definitely no rule, she doesn’t own her wedding MONTH for goodness sake. But I think that if you agree to be in a wedding you should at least carve out THAT DAY to not attend another wedding.
Bridezilla wants her to bow out of the other wedding, not hers.
No, you were not wrong. This is a totally different situation than the one presented in the letter. Two weeks is more than enough time. A day is more than enough time. You have a Bridezilla on your hands.
Yeah, I mean even if it was the next day, it’s none of the other girl’s business. She doesn’t get to own your bridal services. Tell her to screw off. You will regret giving in to silly demands.
No. Last year, I was a bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding and the next week a bridesmaid in my best from from uni’s wedding; and this year, I will be MOH in my sister’s wedding and the next weekend in my best friend from grad school’s wedding. My sis and friend are even having the same color dresses so I’ve joked I’ll wear the same shoes. When I tell people, everyone just says “phew, that sounds exhausting”, and both best friends were super happy that it was the next week and not the same weekend. No obligation to adjust.
Your whole story about not knowing about the bachelorette party sounds like bull to me, there is no way you didn’t get wind of that, and it sounds like you purposely planned this “prepaid date” when you knew the bridal shower was happening, instead of just asking why you weren’t invited. You are a bridesmaid, I don’t even think you should go to the second wedding at all, you should call and let bride#2 know that you made a mistake, and cant make it to her wedding, though it might be awkward, because I’m guessing there has been some trashing talking about bride#1 to bride#2. You didn’t really give any good examples of bride#1 being a bridezilla, just you not being there for her.
Yup. I thought the exact same thing when reading the letter. She knew about the bachelorette part and decided to be passive-aggressive instead of just asking about it. Don’t worry LW. I’m sure whoever planned the party TOTALLY learned their lesson.
I always like when you comment because that baby is just too cute.
Thank you!
LW, you said you were invited to wedding #2 a couple days after you agreed to be a bridesmaid in wedding #1. I’m assuming this was a verbal invite since you say all of this “bridezilla” cap has been going on for a long time. When the invite to wedding #2 arrives, you just need to check decline. If bride #2 inquires just tell her that you are in another wedding that day and you underestimated the amount of time it would take up. Send your best wishes and a card and call it a day. I know this isn’t the advice you want to hear, but suck it up. You made a mistake and this is how you fix it.
I agree with Wendy. Once you make a commitment to be in a wedding as a bridesmaid, you’re in it for the long haul. Now, if you find out for some reason you cannot do the duties (which would include being at the wedding reception until the end) then you have to opt out immediately , so the bride can find someone who can. Weddings are an all day event., so thinking you can pull off two in one day is ridiculous and rather irresponsible. Now, if Friend #2 was a best friend/sister etc etc..then the OP should have bowed out as soon as she found out #2 was getting married on the same day. But seeing as how she was not a bridesmaid at Wedding #2, this is not the case.
I’ve never liked the term “bridesmaid duties” – it implies they somehow owe you something because you are getting married. I did not have bridesmaids for this reason
I think of it more this way – if I cared enough about someone to be a bridesmaid, wouldn’t I care enough to stay for the whole wedding? I can’t imagine leaving early to go to someone else’s. I mean, ok, I was a bridesmaid for my SIL who I don’t really care for, but I do love my brother, so my point still stands. If you’re that close, why would you leave their wedding early?
I’m confused – am I reading this letter differently from everyone else? She is saying she literally had no idea about the bachelorette party being right after the shower – she only learned about it from another lady as they were leaving the shower and she was walking to her husband’s car to go on this pre-planned date night. (She had been told the b. party was in October and planned accordingly.) So if that is the case, it’s just a mix-up, and yes, the bride is in the wrong for holding a grudge (though the thing to do at the time would have been to go back into the shower venue and tell the bride you had no idea about the party and are sorry you can’t stay for it, instead of just driving off with the husband without saying anything). But otherwise, I agree with all – you don’t accept an invitation to a second wedding that is going to cause you to have to leave early from a wedding YOU ARE IN. Steps to take here: 1. have face to face with Bride #1, reiterate your legitimate reason for missing party (apologize for hurt feelings on that while still emphasizing it was not your fault since you didn’t know), and apologize for hurt caused by your considering leaving her wedding early, and confirm you will NOT be doing so. 2. Apologize to Bride #2 because you cannot make her wedding after all, because you misjudged how long you would be at wedding #1, which you are committed to because you are a bridesmaid.
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I see this so much. This, “I know I didn’t behave well, but it’s fine because listen to what SHE did!” It’s petty, childish, and rude.
I recently witnessed something like this. Bride asked Friend to be in her wedding party. Friend is appalled when a +1 isn’t added to her invitation (Friend is single). Friend decides to “get back” at Bride by not attending the Bachelorette party weekend in Miami (faked injury). Bride calls out Friend, saying she was hurt that Friend would do something like this. Friend fires back “But, you didn’t give me a plus one!” They fight it out, and Bride asks Friend not to be in the wedding party or come to the wedding. After that, Friend only spews hatred about Bride, talking about all of the “horrible” things she did. Basically, it was all an attempt to deflect from the selfishness and shitty actions Friend had.
Sorry, LW. You messed this one up. You agreed to be a bridesmaid, and you know what? Sometimes, that includes doing things you don’t want to do, no matter what the bride’s actions are.
Is it possible that Bride #1 only asked you to be a bridesmaid because your husband is a groomsman? I mean, you say the two of you have been friends for years but it doesn’t sound like you like each other. More specifically, it doesn’t sound like you’ve been a good friend to her at all. Okay, yes, you made the bridesmaid jewelry gifts and gave her a good recommendation for a job but your attitude about having done so (that she now owes you) pretty much negates any good will those acts might have engendered.
If you want to salvage whatever relationship you have with bride #1 – or at least between the husbands – you owe her an apology. Then you need to call bride #2 and tell her you goofed and can’t be at her wedding after all. Depending on what you’ve already said to her about bride #1, I would suggest simply telling her you misjudged the times of the two weddings. If you’ve already badmouthed #1 then you need to suck it up and tell #2 you’ve come to your senses and realized you underestimated your duties as a bridesmaid. Maybe you can swing by her reception later to wish her well but you are not going to make it to the ceremony.
And one more thing – you said #1 acted like it was crime for you have other friends. Well, if you’re blowing off her wedding events where you are IN THE WEDDING PARTY for someone else’s stuff, then she has every right to be irritated with you. If there’s anything left to be done, you need to step it up.
(I’m also wondering what this “pre-paid” date was. Seeing as the LW didn’t specifically mention this being a super expensive concert or prime seating at a sporting event, I wonder if we’re just talking movie tickets.)
I assumed the date was something like a groupon. I’d like to hear theories.
Question I would love the answer too. What is the LW’s husband saying about all of this? He is a groomsmen after all. Was he also going to ditch wedding #1 to attend wedding #2 with the LW? Or, was he going to be a responsible adult and make good on his commitment to being in the wedding?
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If it’s the former and he was going to ditch, I’m thinking bride and groom #1 should ditch this couple as friends permanently.
I agree with the general consensus here, and I also wonder if the LW understands what the purpose of a bridesmaid actually is–it’s not to go to parties and make the bride feel like “the only person in the world who is getting married,” it’s to be a real, present friend and help her celebrate and prepare for a huge transition in her life. Bride #1 asked the LW because she probably DID feel close enough to her to want to share that experience, in addition to the actual day of the wedding, and the LW disappointed her. I’d have told her point blank that if being in my wedding was such an inconvenience for her, I didn’t want her as a bridesmaid–and I’m saying this as someone who had only 2 of my 5 bridesmaids show up to my engagement party, shower and bachelorette party because they had prior obligations or lived out of town. Was I sad that my best friends weren’t with me on those days? Of course. But they had all told me (or my family, in the case of my shower) in advance that they couldn’t make it due to other obligations or the costs of travel (I got engaged and married within 8 months–even though I picked inexpensive dresses for them and didn’t ask them to wear specific shoes or get hair and makeup done with me, we were teachers right out of grad school and nobody could afford 3 round trip plane tickets like that). I knew they all wished they could be there, and I knew that they WOULD be there with me 100% on my wedding day–most of them spent the entire weekend at my house watching movies, doing beauty treatments and drinking pink champagne! I can’t believe that the LW is so selfish that she’s not only trying to ditch the wedding (and the pictures at the reception, which will be a reminder for years to come), but also creating this terribly uncomfortable and distracting situation between herself and Bride #1 at a time when she deserves to feel happy and loved. Nothing that she did sounds bridezilla-ish to me–in fact, she sounds pretty determined to ignore the LW’s bad behavior so she doesn’t have to deal with the awkwardness of rescinding the invitation to be in the wedding party. Also, presumably, she is paying per person for the LW to attend this wedding, and all said, the total will amount to way more than the $345 the LW paid for the dress–it’s really a slap in the face for someone you thought you were close enough with to share this special day in your life not to even care that she’s wasting your money and your hospitality. Hope she toughens up and kicks the LW out.
What Ali said. It’s incredibly rude to leave a wedding early in which you are a bridesmaid! When you say yes to being a bridesmaid, in my opinion, you are agreeing to be there for the bride on her wedding day. Not just pre-wedding through the first hour of the reception.
Funny story: I actually have attended two weddings on the same day, and was in one of them. However, there were significant differences:
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The weddings were 6 hours apart within 10 miles of each other.
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The earlier 1 pm wedding was a rather informal affair (my cousin) without a reception beyond punch and cookies in the church. It was also a quickly planned wedding, due to an unexpected deployment by the groom.
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My friend whose wedding I was in was aware of the family obligation and supported it completely. I confirmed with her that she was absolutely o.k. and fine with the earlier wedding (an invitation I received after I agreed to be a bridesmaid for wedding #2) BEFORE I accepted it.
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it’s been oh…10 years or so since then, and my friend and I are still close and still joke about the afternoon SJ (me) went to two weddings. But that’s ’cause we’re weird.
I sort of have the feeling that the only reason the LW is a BM is that her husband is friends with the groom and he’s a GM. (Sorry but I’m too lazy not to use acronyms.) I get the distinct impression she was never close friends with Bride #1, which would explain why she feels ok with being a total jackass.
And yes I know she says they’ve been good friends for years… I just think the word friend maybe doesn’t mean what she thinks it means.
I’m super late to this party, but I was once asked to be a bridesmaid in two different weddings on the exact same day. Happenstance really. Both were close college friends, both knew each other actually. The first had asked me about 6 months before the second did (first bride had a long engagement and is definitely a planner). I really really really REALLY wanted to be at both. I wanted to be in both. But. One was in Arizona, one was in Iowa. At the time I was living in North Dakota. I had agreed to be in the one in Arizona and had basically already booked my flight, got the dress, etc. Not to mention the fact that she had asked me so far in advance and even if I hadn’t booked a flight I would have still said no to the Iowa wedding because I had already given my word to the first bride who asked.
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It would be very tacky to ask the first bride if you can duck out early to attend the second bride’s wedding too. VERY tacky.