Quickies: “He Suddenly Lost Feelings for Me. Is it a Midlife Crisis?”
It makes me feel so confused because everything was great. At first I thought he sounded depressed but now I am thinking he’s having a midlife crisis (he’s 37). But I am unsure, and unsure how to help him. We still live together but just as friends because he broke up with me. But he said he didn’t want to hurt me. I need help please . . . what should I do? I wanna stay close with him in hopes that when he gets feelings again, we can get back together. Please help. — He’s Feeling Empty
You’ve only been together a year. The time and energy you would potentially have to invest in this person who’s given no indication he wants any kind of future with you is not worth it, no matter how perfect you think your relationship was – especially when you have a kid who needs your attention and protection. It would be one thing if you had a long-term commitment with this guy. But a year? Come on, all of my underwear is older than that.
It’s time for you to find a new place for you and your child and move out of the place you’ve been sharing with the guy who, out of the blue, suddenly went from loving you to having zero feelings at all. That’s not midlife crisis behavior (and 37 is a few years young for “midlife” anyway); it’s behavior that might be indicative of some mental illness or he may simply have outgrown your relationship and lacks the language and/or maturity to express that to you. At any rate, this is no longer a safe or healthy place for you and your child to be, and you need to find a new suitable home for you two and move on from this guy. Trust me when I say no good is going to come from hanging around and finding out, especially when you have a child to protect and care for.
I truly do not want to lose him, but he said he is disgusted, disappointed, and sad but still loves and cares about me. I feel I’m on the brink of losing someone I really care for. He doesn’t want to see my kids for now – at least until he feels comfortable again…if he ever will. What can I do to keep this man who did nothing but love and care for us? — Afraid to Lose Him
At six months, your kids should barely even know your new boyfriend yet (if at all), let alone be handled by him. It’s entirely possible that your gut reaction that your boyfriend touched your daughter inappropriately was correct. How do you know it wasn’t? Just because he said it wasn’t? That you would initially think your boyfriend had inappropriate intentions underscores just how fast this relationship has moved and how wrong it is that he is already so involved in your kids’ lives! You should wait until you really, really trust someone before you let him be that involved. I think it’s best for you to focus on your kids for now, and on being the best mom to them, and put dating on hold for a bit. I’m concerned about your judgment being that you’d introduce a man to your kids so quickly and let him be so intimately involved with them, despite what you say was a “hard time in the beginning building a bond.” Six months in IS the beginning!!
I don’t know what your question is but the answer is birth control.
LW1 sounds like the man is a narcissist who engaged in a discard. The everything being perfect in the beginning the love bombing and then the sudden loss of feelings and he seems a bit too young for a mid life crisis. LW1 if you are listening read up on this and get out now.
LW 1 – some people like the chase, they fall fast and hard and they PRETEND that they are perfect. Do/Be everything their partner needs. Then they either get tired of the facade or are ready for the next transformation. It’s not you – it’s your partner.
LW 2 – Wendy’s right – six months your kids should barely know this person let alone have bonded with them. Stop adding your kids to your honeymoon period – you’re the adult. You need to introduce people only once they’ve proven themselves to be long term and that means you have actually been with them long term.
LW 3 – dude – do you understand how babies are made? Do you understand that women are fertile through their 30’s- like the whole decade? If you don’t want (more ) kids – start being responsible.
LW1 – Someone who says they lost all feelings for you (or anything about their lack of feelings), is deliberately saying “there is nothing you can do about this.” If he had any interest in staying together, he would be identifying a problem you can work through as a couple. In a way, he’s done you a favor by acknowledging it’s a done deal, and that you have no say in it. There’s no room at all for reconciliation when one partner has no interest. Move out, as Wendy said.
The first letter, the man sounds so dead inside and cold-get the heck out of there. It gave me chills.
The second, you were probably 100% on your instincts. His reaction, I can’t see what he would be doing with a child’s leg? It all sounds weird and suspect. They should just be meeting him at six months. It’s way too early to introduce but I think you really need to do some reflecting and soul searching. Your mother instincts told you it was wrong, and you’re choosing to feel bad and guilty- defending him, instead of making sure your daughter is okay.
Predators look for single moms. You need to focus more on your kids and your instincts and learn how to spot a creep, I think.
Third, dude, get snipped. You seem to have an issue having safe sex, so at least be smarter.
“I mean, too-good-to-be-true perfect: no fighting, great to me and my child.”
No, that’s not too good to be true perfect. That’s what you should be expecting. If someone can’t meet that bar, they aren’t worth dating.