“I Don’t Want to Tell Our Brother When Our Mother Dies”
As much as their potential behavior at your mother’s eventual memorial service may sicken you, I think you will feel worse in the longterm if you withhold news of your mother’s passing and deny your brother the opportunity for closure. Don’t let them make you feel worse than they already have. The short-term sacrifice it will require of you will be worth the long-term peace of mind that you did the right thing. In the mean time, bypass your brother’s wife and call him directly and tell him that time is running out to see your mother and that it would mean the world to her to see her son one more time before she dies.
Accept that you will not be getting any help from your brother — that the best you can hope for is a final visit for your mother’s sake (and even that may not happen) — and that life isn’t fair and the messiness of dealing with a parent’s final months, days, and moments, often falls on one sibling for a variety of reasons. I hope you at least feel rewarded for the stress you are feeling now with a sense of purpose in providing care and love for the woman who raised you, and that the time you’re spending together now is giving you both plenty of opportunity to express what you need and want to say before your mother passes away. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
She may not even know the clothes are yours. For all you know, your ex-husband took the clothes off the hangers, wrapped them up and presented them to her as a housewarming gift. Or, sure, maybe she IS trying to play mind games and make you jealous. Regardless, the best thing you can do, especially since you are very glad to be gone and free of your ex, is to STOP LOOKING AT HIS AND HS NEW GIRLFRIEND’S PHOTOS!! Seriously, block them both on social media and move on with your life. If you have no idea what they’re up to, their attempts at trying to play mind games – if that’s what they’re doing – won’t matter because you won’t see them.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
The clothes are nicer than what she had, or she’s just really weird
LW1: Your brother is an adult. His choice not to come.
Disengage from him: you can’t do more. You can’t act for the others. You can’t control what they do. You are doing the right thing. He is not and he is hurting himself. He may not know it, but he is.
You don’t have to inform him yourself when your mother passes. Let someone else do the call – a nurse, a priest, an acquaintance. But you can’t withdraw the information and hide it : this would be an abuse. Your mother doesn’t belong to you. Let him face his responsibility and take yourself a step back.
Make sure to let the family – at least the relatives you feel close to – know he let you do all the care and didn’t even pay a visit to his dying mum: it will help you a bit to confide in relatives you esteem and care for. How your brother behave at the funeral: let it be. You don’t need to pay attention to it or even to have a relationship with him. Focus on your own memory of your mum, you own relationship with her. The funeral will be about her, not him.
You need help yourself: you could speak to a therapist. When she will pass, you can also speak of your anger to the priest. He might help you. This is a very human feeling.
LW2… if you the abusive ex quickly and quietly, why are you stalking him and his current girlfriend to even know she’s posting pics in “your” clothing. You left, neither the man nor the clothes are your any more.
LW1…tell your brother and let him come or not. Don’t deny him the opportunity to say goodbye and/or mourn.
LW2…quit stalking your ex. It does nothing but bring you stress and if you really want nothing to do with him then it doesn’t matter what he does (or her for that matter). Letting it go is the best gift you can give yourself.