Quickies: “We Can’t Agree on Whose Family to Live Closest To”
I’m torn because my children have never been far from me, are a big part of my life and I have grandchildren who want to continue to see me just as much as they always have. My fiancé is adamant about staying five minutes away from his daughter and has reminded me that she is his first priority, and I don’t think he is willing to compromise by moving to a city where we will live halfway from his daughter and halfway from my family (17 miles from each). He has asked that I move in with him so that he remains living five minutes of his daughter, which would mean that I would live thirty-five miles (forty minutes) from my family. Is this unfair? — Looking for a Halfway House
He has a young child he’s still raising and you don’t. Seeing grandchildren and your grown kids is not the same as raising a child. Your fiancé is likely shuttling his daughter to activities, birthday parties, back and forth between his house and her mother’s — it’s important to live near all of that. You, on the other hand, don’t have that kind of responsibility and can still see your family plenty being forty minutes away. That you seem unwilling to make the move for your fiancé out of respect for the responsibility he has as a father of a minor suggests that perhaps you aren’t really ready to marry him. Marriage takes compromise. Marrying a single parent and becoming a step-parent to a minor takes an extra dose of compromise and sacrifice. Not everyone is cut out for that role. You need to be honest with yourself if you are, and then take the appropriate steps if you aren’t.
I flat out asked him if he had lost interest and to be straight-forward with me, and he responded by saying he simply didn’t know — he doesn’t know how to be a good boyfriend and that he’s got things to figure out and that he wants to keep the door on us open. He still wants to be able to see me. Our relationship was not sexual, so I know that he’s not just keeping me around for sex. I’m broken-hearted. Any help and advice would be great. I really don’t want to lose him. — Not Ready to Lose Him
Respectfully, he’s not yours to lose, and he’s already gone anyway. How many different ways does he have to say he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend? Maybe he doesn’t want to be anyone’s boyfriend. Maybe he likes being a free agent and hooking up with whomever he wants. Maybe he’s met someone else he wants to pursue and he wants to “leave the door open” with you in case things don’t work out with that person. Either way, you’re disrespecting yourself “leaving the door open” for some guy who peeked in, shrugged his shoulders, and was like, “Eh, lemme see what else is out there first and maybe I’ll come back, check things out again some time.” MOA.
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LW 1 where do you live because here in Texas a 40 minute drive is nothing. You are still extremely close to your family. As a matter of fact, I bet your young adults wouldn’t mind you being a bit further away. It’s completely reasonable to put an 8 year olds needs first. Lastly, I remember reading a looonnggg time ago about a couple in New York who were married but lived in different apartments, due to their wildly different tastes and needs. It worked for them apparently
LW1: either find a tenant for your house and join your fiance, or stay where you are if you are not ready to move and live separately. But don’t ask him to move away of his 8 years old child.
LW2: it is over, he is not that into you
LW1 irks me. (I won’t even touch on the foolishness of the other two.) Many people commute an hour each way every single day—yet 45 minutes is too far to drive to visit her grown kids, so her fiance should move away from his grade-school daughter? How selfish. And her suggestion of moving midway between everybody was rightfully shot down by the fiance. Making sure it’s “even” in inconvenience is so stupid when you’re talking about a 45 MINUTE DRIVE. How petty.
Don’t get serious with somebody who lives too far away. Apparently, 35 miles is too far.
The thing that gets me about LW #1 is that you were perfectly fine commuting and being that 40 minute drive from your boyfriend/Fiance for however long you’ve been dating (has it been a while? Or maybe not that long after all….). So, 40 minute drive is not a dealbreaker for you in respect to a partner, but it is for visiting family? Isn’t one of the points of getting engaged and married so that he becomes part of your family? Maybe start thinking of him as your family, or at least a part of it. If that doesn’t sit right, then maybe you shouldn’t get married.
LW1 what strikes me most is that Wendy call it a compromise when in fact it is the woman that would have to totally adjust to her partner. It is not a compromise, a compromise would be to live halfway 🙂 It is actually such a short distance that fathers often commute more to visit their child or just to work. So it is also very petty of him to be so adamant, he also knew where his girlfriend lived. Besides it may not make sense financially to move to him if he only rents, you wood have much less space there than in a house (plus his child would live with you every other week!), it may also be difficult to rent a house, certainly much more difficult than a flat. I certainly wouldn’t move to someone, who doesn’t treat me as his priority and is uwilling to compromise. If you really want a marriage and moving in with someone, find another guy, someone who can actually compromise and wants to make sure you feel comfortable too.
LW1: For real? It’s just 35 miles. I don’t see what the big deal is. Some people drive farther than that to work every day. You have adult children. You don’t need to see them as frequently as he needs to see a young child. I live 750 miles from my family. It could be a lot worse. I can’t tell if you’re just super, super, super close to your kids or if you don’t like compromising.
LW2: The first thing on your “list” should be whether the person actually likes you as much as you like them. If you can’t check that box, then the rest don’t matter. I mean, really, who cares if someone is smart, funny, and cute if they don’t want to be with you?
Ditto to what everyone else has said about LW 1. I can’t believe she thinks 40 minutes is too far away. And it’s way more important for him to be near his 8 year old than for you to be near your young adult children. She *needs* him as she is still growing and in her formative years; your children don’t *need* you.
LW 1 – my MIL lives about an hour and 15 mins from us (usually the drive is longer because of Boston traffic) and still comes once a week to watch our son just to spend time with him. It’s inconvenient, but worth it to her to bond with him. This is not insurmountable. Stop being selfish.
#1) You are looking at 10 years + of having that child be his first priority, you will always come second. You don’t sound ready for that. At all. Please think it all through very very carefully before you disrupt your life with a move that leaves you bitter and/or a relationship that leaves you unhappy. The child has already been though a family break up, the last thing she needs is a troubled home with her Dad because you two have such different priorities or because of your need for things to be “fair”. They won’t be, she will always be his priority, keep saying that to yourself until you believe it and then decide if you are in for that
100% this!
LW1: You don’t seem to even be considering the fact that it’s not just about where you and your fiance live. It’s about where you, your husband AND your stepdaughter live. He doesn’t live 5 min away from his daughter. He lives WITH his daughter 50% of the time, in a home that is close to her mother (and probably her friends and her school and after-school activities).
Have you considered that the amount of time that you spend with your children and grandchildren may need to be reduced to include your new child, regardless of where you live? How will moving impact how she gets to and from school when she’s living with you? Do your fiance and his ex rely on each other for flexibility in their custody arrangement? There are so many questions to consider that revolve entirely around his daughter. Choosing where to live is his decision to make, and he’s made it: he’s not moving. It doesn’t matter if you or Wendy or I or literally anyone else doesn’t think it’s fair.
My biggest concern about your letter is that you don’t mention the impact of moving on your soon-to-be stepdaughter, or the fact that you’ll have a young child living with you 50% of the time. THAT should be the focus here. Your life will change dramatically from what it is now, even if you split the distance, because you’re going to have a child living with you.
I would agree with your concern. Personally, if there were a child that was my soon-to-be stepchild, I would also have thoughts about what things were good for her. She’s going to be family, and I’d hope that you would care enough about her to want things to work out well for her too.
35 miles from your grown kids with kids of their own sounds like nothing to me. (My parents and in-laws each live 1000 miles away) I always thought the ideal distance from my parents (as an adult) would be in the 2-3 hour range… so they could visit easily but not TOO easily.
A 40 min drive is still a doable regular visit, especially for someone who managed to keep a romantic relationship going across that distance.
LW1… I drive 35 miles to work every day! Which usually takes about an hour. I really can’t have any sympathy for this person. His daughter *should* be his priority- she’s only 8! LW’s adult children can also make the 45 minute drive as well to visit *her* – or they can meet in the middle. My sister lives 2.5 hours from my parents and they’ve done that a few times. There are so many ways to work around this, aka compromise! Ugh.
Wow. I have rarely so strongly disagreed with advice in this column. LW1, if you’re reading this—why would you want to marry a man who starts out the marriage as insensitive to your feelings and expecting you to adhere to his wishes without consideration for your own? Yes, he shouldn’t move away from such a young child, but your attachments to your grandchild and adult children are valid as well. There’s no need to live together to have a relationship, even a marriage, especially when it’s a second marriage and both parties have children and families. If you move, it should be because YOU want to, not because he pressures you.
Also sounds like one of her criteria for a partner is for him to be local and that’s ok. She’s in the middle of things where she libes and moving 40 mins away means an 80 min round trip and can’t just drop in or be dropped in on.
He has a minor child that lives wirh him 50% of the time. That’s the main takeaway you’re missing.
Of course her family is just as important to her, but they don’t need her presence on a daily, scheduled basis.
LW1: He has a young child! If she wants to see one parent while at the other parents house, easily done. Ditto for birthday parties and play dates. She can probably also ride the bus to school from both houses. Respectfully, you do not sounded already to be a step. Period very highly recommend family counseling before moving forward.
LW2: Oh honey. The only question left to answer here is how much of your dignity you want to keep. Move along and find someone who is as excited about you as you are about them.