Shortcuts: “My Girlfriend Role Plays a Little TOO Well”
It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
Dude, it’s called role playing. She was acting a part. Anyone who’s watched “Pretty Woman” or countless other movies with call girls or hookers knows enough basics to play a call girl convincingly enough for it to be fun. But if it wasn’t fun for YOU, say something. And next time you guys role play, do whatever turns you on (if your girlfriend is game).
You may not get her to stop texting completely and, surely, it wouldn’t kill you to continue replying to SOME of her texts. But if the frequency and early start is driving you crazy, simply say: “Aunt Jane, I love that we’ve been keeping in touch so well, but I hope you won’t be offended if I don’t always reply to your texts quickly. For one thing, I don’t usually check my phone before 9, and when I’m at work or doing something during the day, I don’t always see that I have a text or have time to respond. You know that, if you ever have an emergency or need to get hold of me immediately, you can always call me. Email is a good way to touch base, too.”
Make some effort. Go to the pub. Have a beer. Instead of listening to rubbish talk for hours, just put in one hour. Or two. Play some pool or darts or whatever other pub game is around. And if you seriously can’t stand doing that — if you can’t do something basic like hang out in a pub for an hour or two to make your husband happy, then maybe he isn’t the only one acting childish.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1: I’m trying to imagine a situation in which someone is a sex worker and then has a burning desire to recreate that life in their later, personal relationships. Aside from those mythical creatures known as sex workers who do it because they enjoy it (yeah… I think if that were common criminals wouldn’t need to kidnap thousands of immigrants and other young women to make them do it…) I really can’t see that happening.
LW3: Punishing someone with a week of refusing to speak to them because they didn’t want to do the same thing you did on a Saturday night is absurd. It’s controlling and mean. I’m not saying the LW sounds like a barrel of fun right now but there is not really a level of not-fun-ness that would make her deserve such treatment. LW3, if your husband truly hasn’t spoken to you in a week over something like this, get to counseling, seriously. I wouldn’t put up with even an hour of being punished by someone refusing to speak to me; how has your husband gotten you to forget how it feels to be treated with respect, so much so that you’ll put up with it for a week???
I have to disagree on the third letter. I have a hard time believing the husband’s silent treatment is solely due to this one instance. The LW states that her husband has complained she doesn’t make any effort. It leads me to think that this or a similar situation has occurred a number of times. It does come across in the letter that she wants to stay home being miserable and he wants to socialize, with her! How many letters does Wendy get from women complaining their husband/boyfriend don’t ever want to go out and do anything. I think Wendy’s advice is spot on and on a last point, what the heck does menopause have to do with any of this? Throwing that in as an excuse makes me think she wants to milk that and use it as a reason to not do something on quite a regular basis. “I can’t possibly do the dishes tonight Honey, I have the menopause.”
Depending on how crowded the pub is, the menopause may be of some concern due to hot flashes (I hate being around crowds when I’m hot, but I can’t imagine it when having a hot flash). However, it doesn’t sound like that kind of pub. Menopause is not a reason to say no to ‘sit in the pub listening to rubbish talk’. I agree that she probably isn’t making an effort. But he isn’t helping the situation by giving her the silent treatment. Either way, this couple needs counseling to figure out a) how to talk maturely about their issues and b) actually compromise with how they want to spend their free time.
Like I said, she doesn’t sound like she’s much fun at the moment. I just think giving someone the silent treatment to get your way is way worse than “childish” — it’s just cruel. Imagine not being able to speak to your partner for a week because they literally wouldn’t answer you. You say, “Hi, honey, how was your day?” and they say NOTHING. You say, “Bob, this really hurts my feelings that you aren’t talking to me,” and they say NOTHING. You say, “Hey, I’m having really bad hot flashes right now so I’m going to go lie down” and they say NOTHING. No sympathy, no engagement, no discussion, nothing… I just can’t imagine how that would feel, because luckily, my partner and I talk constantly and are always there for each other even if one of us is angry at the other. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if he purposely took that away from me in order to punish me. Does the LW really sound so bad that she doesn’t deserve the basic human respect of answering someone when they talk to you?
Someone pointed out that if they weren’t meeting other people at the pub (I assumed that they were), then she called talking to him at a pub “rubbish talk” which is pretty mean. In that case I think they both need counseling. But one mean comment versus a week of calculated cruel treatment… Idk, the latter still sounds worse.
I think I’m going start throwing out the phrase “rubbish talk” around here.
1.That’s rubbish talk
2. Tell her you tired of her rubbish talk and you need your sleep
3. Well, at least you got a week free of rubbish talk.
LW1, I’m wondering what you would think would change if she ever has been a call girl. If it’s past it’s past.
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LW2, with my mom it’s not texting, it’s Facebook. She’s absolutely horrendous and makes everyone around her upset with the way she communicates. We have talked to her and she continues this behavior. At least I can step away from facebook. I don’t know what I’d do if she invades my phone the same way. I know I ignore the repeated inquiries until a time that’s convenient for me and if I get junk for it say that I wasn’t available at that time, rinse and repeat. It may not sink in with your aunt but consistency will make it more of a pattern for you.
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LW3, ouch! Hanging out with your husband boils down to “rubbish talk,” no wonder he doesn’t want to talk to you right now. I’m not a fan of the silent treatment and a week seems unfair, but that was really mean what you said to him. Is there anything you do want to do right now with your husband?
Regarding the pub in the 3rd letter…I *hate* bars and pubs. I enjoy the occasional happy hour when it’s not so crowded but I will VERY rarely hang out in a crowded bar or pub on a Friday or Saturday night. I would much rather hang out at home or at someone’s house or a place that’s not too crowded. I can’t blame the wife for not wanting to go to a pub. But…the fact that this husband’s reaction was so extreme tells me that there is something else going on besides this, or this hasn’t been the first time this has happened. Some good discussion between husband and wife NEEDS to happen and soon.
I also dislike crowded places but you can find ones that are less crowded that are still fun. Plus, it doesn’t sound like they were meeting up with anyone so effectively she told him that she doesn’t care what he has to say so he gave her what she wanted and stopped talking to her.
Lyra – I agree with all of this.
LW1–If she had kissed you and not required payment, she wouldn’t have been a very good call girl.
LW2, are you my niece from the future? She’s only 8 now but when she gets a cell I’m gonna text her all day I love her so much!!
Um LW1- how do YOU know how accurate her call girl role playing was? Because if you’ve enlisted call girls before and you’re judging your girlfriend for *maybe* being a call girl once you really need get over yourself. Though the weird judginess about her sexuality is enough reason for you to get over yourself on its own- bc I’m with Wendy. That’s what role playing IS. It’s playing a ROLE.
haha, point, tara!
She’s always a smartie 😉
I prefer smart ass 😉
Or he got *his* ideas from movies too.
yeah but if he did then why doesn’t he think it’s possible she did too?
You may be right! Though people can be dumb.
yeah i highly doubt he actually thinks it’s a possibility, why else would he outright ask her and then not believe her. because who writes in asking for advice if they actually believe their so’s answer? it sounds like she’s too ‘sexually open’ for him. which is fine, but don’t assume she must have been paid for sex in the past because she’s so good at role playing.
Haha, love this.
So LW3 you refused to go to the pub, did you counter with a way to spend time together that didn’t involve the pub? Did you say hey I’m not feeling a pub tonight can we check out x restaurant and then rent a movie together? (or insert whatever you want to do) It sounds like you both have poor communication and if you want to stay married you might want to learn to talk to each other.
My girlfriend has fun in bed and enjoys role playing automatically equals she was once a prostitute. WHAT. THE. EFF?
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LW1, I bet plenty of dudes would be more than happy to take your place. Not because your girlfriend was once a call girl, but because it sounds like she enjoys sex. If you’re not comfortable with role playing, talk to her or suggest other things.
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I think it’s pretty misogynistic to draw the conclusion you have.
As someone who is very sexual, kinky, and loves role playing, I can’t tell you how many men have been threatened or intimidated by that. That a woman could be just as sexual or more sexual than the average man. Some men automatically assumed I must have slept around a lot because why else would a woman know what she likes in bed? It’s ridiculous and insulting to her sexuality that you would assume your girlfriend could have been a call girl. It comes across as controlling and like you are trying to rein her in because she is “too good” or “too wild” in bed which automatically must mean that she’s tainted or a slut. Which is a ridiculous and sexist assumption to have.
LW3 – I can totally relate. Crowded places can be very draining to me energetically. I barely go to parties anymore, mostly because they start around when I want to be in bed with a good book. Menopausal stuff has accentuated my introversion. If he likes going out with crowds of his friends at the pub and it is not for you, perhaps you can suggest a compromise, going to a more quiet environment for tea, for instance. If it has to be all his way all the time, and if this has been a pattern in your marriage, then couples counseling is indicated. It is very cruel of extroverts to always foist their extroversion on to their introverted partners and to assume that extroversion is the right way to be. And read the book “Quiet”. It may ring true.
Ooo I wanna read Quiet. I always thought I was extroverted until I took a Myers-Briggs test and it turns out I’m an INFJ; I really love going out and talking to people and I’m pretty chatty and forward, but too much of that, too often really, really drains me and I take a while to bounce back. So I always was able to sympathize with my introverted friends, and it turned out that’s because I actually am one. Haha.
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I started a forum topic about the test a while back: .
High five from another INFJ! 🙂
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It’s super funny because my students THINK I’m extroverted because I’m super energetic at school and I love talking with them and with other teachers and with parents…but I get home and I literally put on yoga pants and hang out with my cat and don’t talk to anyone besides texting Navy Guy or my friends. I really think the introversion/extroversion is a spectrum — I know people who are infinitely more introverted than I am.
I’ve never been a police officer or a massage therapist, nor am I a THESPIAN, but I think I’ve done a pretty convincing version of each when it’s been called for.
I play the part of a sex-starved attorney VERY convincingly.